Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Advice from Bark Twice (Numero Dos)

Posted by AllieB on March 3, 2011

The first installment of my advice-giving piece went over well, so, for lack of better fun and interactive Thursday ideas, I’m going with it. I really want to do another survey, but I’m having a hard time coming up with new ideas. Should you have a suggestion, please share. Anyway, here we go: Round 2.

Dear BBT,

My friends have been pressuring me into getting a tattoo. Of our group of 6, everyone but me has a large Chinese symbol on either their back or lower abdomen. They keep calling me a pansy or a wuss for not getting one. I mean, I guess theirs are cool – the symbols mean important, relevant things like “peace” and “serenity” and, like, “wise” or something. I don’t want them to cut me out – I don’t want to end up like “Am I a Loser” from last week! Help!

-Peer Pressured (Bulls-Eye, USA)

Dear Tramp Stamp,

Congratulations, you are the winner of this week’s DUNCE award! You have to wear your dunce hat for a full seven days so everyone knows what an idiot you are for even considering succumbing to the peer pressure of your dumbass friends and marring your skin with an erroneously translated LARGE Chinese symbol. $1,000 that your friend’s “peace” tat means “man hands.”

*Disclaimer to my pals with body art: none of this applies to you.

Dear BBT,

I want to start a blog. Should I? I mean, is it hard? I just don’t know if I’d be any good at it…

-Indecisive (Blahville, USA)

Dear If You Have to Ask, the Answer Is No.

Note to self: get a second dunce hat.

Dear BBT,

I have a crush on this guy, but I don’t think he even knows I’m alive. Well, actually, he does because last week when I was trying to make my way over to talk to him, I tripped on my huge feet and poured my drink all over his clothes. It was so embarrassing for both of us because where I spilled made it look like he had wet himself – everyone was laughing at him more than me. Anyway, he has avoided me ever since and I don’t know how to make him not hate me! Please help.

-I can’t help it (Klutztown, America)

Dear Is Your Name Allie,

Wait, seriously, are you trying to make fun of me or something because this sort of thing happens to me all of the time. Well, I don’t really have the klutz problem, but I’ve been known to pull equally imbecilic moves like inadvertently making fun of a guy’s grandmother or something. It’s very hard to properly shoulder-dip and head-toss when your foot is in your mouth – I think my only hope is to one day just stop talking. As for you, maybe you can not walk and drink simultaneously…? Your Q has me stymied – it’s like the blind leading the blind. Good luck to the both of us.

If you would like your question pondered by BBT, please send an email to

Tis a glorious day in the ATL! There’s a new Pinkberry opening in Buckhead next to Borders and CVS across from Dick’s and Target and from 6 – 10 p.m. tonight they’re serving up free yogurt! And don’t forget about the free fries from Chick-fil-A tomorrow from 2 – 4 p.m. To round out my freebie trifecta, I just reserved a Turkey Cobb Sandwich from Corner Bakery and will be retrieving said sammy next Thursday after work.

Today, I leave you with these tweets from Steve Martin. I’m telling you, I love The Twitter.

5 Responses to “Advice from Bark Twice (Numero Dos)”

  1. @CharlotteK said

    Added @SteveMartinToGo to “friends” list not b/c he is but so I’ll see all his hilarious tweets Thx @alliebaxter!

  2. Also... said

    …when I followed your link about the free fries, happened to notice another story about how CFA introducing a Banana Pudding Milkshake? Whose idea was this??

  3. HB said

    Dear BBT,

    I really love chinos. It’s a problem. Help.

    • AllieB said

      Dear Rosie O’Donnell,

      Thanks for writing! No matter what you wear, you will look as though you have on chinos. Maybe try to wear fewer colors in the poop family – that could help.

  4. Pal said

    I had to read this twice to understand why you were putting a Turkey sandwich on hold. I get it now.. but was momentarily afraid we were heading for a “Mental Gellar” situation.

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