Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘can we not’

Woe Is Me

Posted by AllieB on February 6, 2014

<updated Thursday afternoon 2/6>

So, I have my health, the sun is shining, nearly all of the black ice has melted on the sidewalks, and I just read a most amazing masterpiece entitled: THIS IS THE APPROPRIATE THING TO DO WHEN A STRANGER TEXTS YOU. Like, Allie, what was all that nonsense earlier? I apologize for writing such a depressing post – one of BBT’s founding principles is “no depressing posts” and today…I got all up in my head and forgot about the fundamentals; I forgot who I am. #neveragain #neverforget

L8er dudes

<original post Thursday morning>

Hi.

These are the reasons why my life, as I know it, is in shambles:

1. I was the victim of subway grossness. There was a man, me, a crowded rush hour car, and….do I have to spell it out? I took my gym bag and sandwiched it between me and…him, jabbing him with my elbow as I did so, and he definitely backed off, but it was awful. People are disgusting. F you dude, seriously.

2. Between The Subway Incident and The Sludge, I’m sorry to say that the honeymoon is over: I am currently in the latter state of my love/hate relationship with NYC. We had a great run, but things have gone south. The Sludge has taken away a piece of my soul I may never get back. I cried real tears making my way to the subway yesterday morning. The wind + horizontal rain + foot-deep “puddles” of mud/snow/ice/pee/poop (that is what Sludge consists of) made me really unhappy. I didn’t know I was allowed to bitch about winter and have been a great sport about it, but if everyone else in the city is, so can I, and now I’ve unleashed a beast I cannot contain. More weather is coming this weekend. I quit.

3. I am very displeased with the outcome of the Top Chef season finale.

how to get up

help.

WOE IS ME IS RIGHT

But I suppose morale could be lower: I could be in Sochi. The journalists have arrived to cover the Games, and, per their tweets and pics, things are not quite ready. This is horrible. I am actually very concerned about the Winter Olympics, from infrastructure issues to something really bad happening, and the more I read (and I’ve been reading a lot), the more worrisome things seem. One reporter for the Chicago Tribune tweeted:

My hotel has no water. If restored, the front desk says, “do not use on your face because it contains something very dangerous.” #Sochi2014

Then, a little while later:

Stacy St. Clair ‏@StacyStClair  Feb 3 

Water restored, sorta. On the bright side, I now know what very dangerous face water looks like. #Sochi #unfiltered

View image on Twitter

I really thought that was urine. Sick.

Seriously, things are not in good shape over there, and it sounds like they could get worse, with the U.S. Adding Toothpaste Bombs to the List of Sochi Worries. A writer for Grantland mentioned “toxic sludge filling washbasins” – huh? – and a “hotel maintenance crew kicking down someone’s locked door to install a cable box” which seems altogether unnecessary. Russia says they’re ready and have security measures in place akin to a “ring of steel” – I hope they are right. U-S-A!!!

This is a pretty bleak BBT. I wrote most of it yesterday, when I was in a very bleak place, and I figured that today – Thursday! TGIT! – I would wake up with the usual spring in my step and tweak it armed with a decidedly sunnier disposition. I woke up springless. I’ve gotta get it together, let’s cheer me up…

-Jon Stewart had a hard time with what went down in ATL last week, and this is hilarious. Humor at the expense of others is the best medicine

-as far as I’m concerned, David Beckham won the Super Bowl. My goodness.

david beckham super bowl H&M 2014

-a baby elephant faceplant

elephant face plant

-a picture of the city, sans Sludge. Ok, NY, I still love you. We’ll get thru this…there are better days ahead.

bryant park

Bryant Park as seen during a mid-afternoon stroll last spring. I’ll be having lunch al fresco before I know it…ish

-and, of course, this:

hashtag wine

Ok, I feel much better. Enjoy your days.

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The one where a stranger took a picture of me sleeping

Posted by AllieB on April 18, 2013

Hello, let’s jump right in. Today I share with you the pluses and minuses of public transportation. Please don’t stop before you begin, I promise it’ll be worth your while…

MINUS – like, minus to infinity: I had a work thing in the DC/Maryland area this week, and I like trains so I decided to take the Acela instead of flying. The Acela is my new favorite method of transport: it is a fast train that stops in only a few cities, and it has comfy seats and lots of leg room and there’s none of the security hoopla of airports. I went down Monday night and returned Wednesday morning on the 7AM train. My 5AM wake up call was entirely unwelcome: I already felt like I’d lived a week of two Mondays, two Tuesdays, and I was waking up to my second Wednesday – I was exhausted. The train ride from DC to NYC is 2 hours and 45 minutes, and I slept HARD, like hardcore R.E.M. sleep from Baltimore to Philadelphia, which is about 1.5 hours. I woke up as we got close to Philly very disoriented and confused…and then…THIS:

“Um, excuse me?” The guy next to me cleared his throat.

I turned to him and he continued, “So, I have something to show you, and before you think I’m really creepy – I swear I’m not – it’s just…well, here,” as he pulls out his phone, “I took a picture of you sleeping.”

“You – wait … WHAT?!?!?” It took me about 3 seconds to process this (if you count out 3 seconds Mississippi-ly that’s a long time to process a thought), and once it hit me I was not happy.

“Yeah – stop, don’t look at me like that – you sleep really…I guess I’ve never seen anyone sleep like that before. You were, just, getting after it. I wanted to tell my friends about it but I didn’t think they’d believe me, so I took a picture…then I felt bad about sending it, so I decided I’d show you before I sent it to anyone and let you decide if I could share it.”

He handed me his phone. Suffice it to say…it wasn’t good. My head was lolled back on my shoulders, mouth gaping open, eyes pretty much wide open and staring right at him (I sleep with  my eyes open – have we talked about that?) and hair a veritable rat’s nest around my dome. “Plus,” he said, ever so helpfully, “your head kept doing that thing where it falls forward and then snaps back…aw man, I should have taken a video!”

Sweet. “Yeah, you’re gonna have to delete that,” I told him, “delete that right now.” My level of kiddingness was neg.

“OK…I get that. Here, done, DELETE.” He was sad to see it go, but he probably already sent it to his buddies anyway and the part about letting me decide was a bunch o baloney – I wasn’t born yesterday.

Then he added, “But I guess I also took it because I thought you should know how you sleep…”

I assured him that he was definitely not the first person to take a picture of me sleeping, but was absolutely the first stranger who had, and he goes, “Ha, that you know of….”

At this point all I could do was laugh. He didn’t seem like a weird creep (and I don’t give people much benefit of the doubt when I’m assessing weird creepiness), he was definitely somewhat PLU, around my age, not heinous…hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself… Then we pulled up to Philly and he got off. The end.

(Author’s note: I went back and forth about whether or not I was going to include a pic of me sleeping – obviously not the one he took, but I wasn’t lying when I said that others had snapped pics of me in medias slumber. I decided that, given all the weird crap going on right now we could all use some cheering up..so…here. Bus – me – under it.)

It is intentionally a very small file. No need to supersize this assault on the eyes

It is intentionally a very small file. No need to supersize this assault on the eyes

Here’s my takeaway: are there any classes that teach people how to sleep normal? I bet there are – there’s a class for just about everything in NYC. I do usually sleep with an eye mask, which helps with the eyes-open issue…but, as we all now know, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

gratutitous NYC pic featuring the West Village, my 'hood

gratuitous NYC pic featuring the West Village, my ‘hood

PLUS!: AM New York, a free newspaper up here, distributes their paper via paper people who stand at subway entrances, passing them out as people walk by. You’ll find a wide array of paper people: some are surly and just hold them out, silently; some are shouting about deals/coupons in that day’s edition; and others are less focused on giving away papers, but engaging with passer-bys. Normally, no gracias – leave me alone – but there is a woman who stands on the landing at the Bryant Park/42nd Street station at the corner of 42nd and 5th, where I emerge from subway to city every morning, and she is maybe my favorite human in NY.

“Alright, girl – it’s another beautiful day out there! Let me see you smile, oh yeah, there it is! Look at that smile! You go, girl, you’re gonna be great today, just keep smilin’…”

Each morning as I climb up the stairs, regardless of my disposition or mood, I cannot help but break into a huge, goofy smile, and I feel so silly about it I start laughing to myself. So, basically, because of this woman, I start each day laughing outloud. I believe that my overall quality of life has been improved since I began seeing her every day.

Cheesiness factor: high. I care not, you’d all be so lucky to have this gem of a person in your life.

On a serious note, I’d like to thank you all for your concerned texts/calls/emails/gchats about my sister, Charlotte, who ran the Boston Marathon on Monday. She was very close to the explosions, but she had her phone with her (many hadn’t had a chance to retrieve between finishing/running race and the blasts) so she was able to let us know right away that she was fine and safe and kept us posted as to her location, etc. It’s such a horrible tragedy on so many levels, but I really do appreciate the social media focus on the inherent good in people that shows itself in situations such as this. I also really appreciate these five golden retrievers – “comfort dogs” - who are part of the K-9 Lutheran Parish in Boston and trained specifically to provide emotional support.

This is Luther. Luther is hard at work and not enjoying a minute of it

This is Luther. Luther is hard at work and hating every second of it

BBT sends thoughts and prayers to all those impacted by Boston, the Texas explosion, or any of the other unpleasantness going on right now. XOXO….and TGIT

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Normalcy: it’s not for everyone

Posted by AllieB on November 14, 2012

The people-watching in New York is second to no other place I’ve been, including Flora-Bama. It’s a veritable sensory overload up here. Some days I am no mood to observe or interact with my fellow citizens, and I put in my headphones and keep to myself, and other times I like to immerse myself in my surroundings and see what peeps are up to…it is during these times that I hear things I wish I could unhear and see things I wish I could unsee.

Cut to: Sunday morning in a coffee shop in the East Village.

It was a lovely Sunday morning – daylight savings was the night previous, everyone was well-rested…a perfect bluebird fall day. I was standing in line at a locally-owned coffee shop to order some tea (I prefer Earl Grey), while the rest of my party retrieved the bagels. Spirits were high – I may have even been humming, I don’t know. I’d been there for only a short while when I got bored with my own thoughts and started listening to the twosome ahead of me. It was a boy and a girl, each carrying a musical instrument case – pretty sure both were banjos – who were meeting to go play a gig. The boy, we’ll call him Boy, was wearing one of those pork-pie hats, a sweater vest, and stonewashed jeans that were so stiff and sturdy they could likely stand up on their own.

As for the girl (Girl), just picture a much frumpier, less cute, more nasal, infinitely less charming Zooey Deschanel.

These descriptions, I realize, are not very flattering, and I honestly don’t think it was until after I heard their conversation that I began to view them so negatively. I think you’ll understand why:

Girl: So I’m totally thrown off by the time change, I had no idea where I was, what time it was, or what I was doing when I woke up. It was soooooo weird. I don’t even know what’s happening right now

Boy: Oh. Yeah. I don’t DO that whole “extra hour of sleep” thing. I stayed up an extra hour later just to be sure I didn’t get any more sleep than I usually do, because I don’t believe that you can just HAVE a free extra hour of sleep, you know? That’s just not how I do things.

Girl: For sure, I get that.

Boy: Yeah. I feel perfect today. Totally the same as I did yesterday. I don’t even really need this coffee, it’s just something to do while we wait for our ride. I’m not, like, tired – I’m totally on level.

Girl: Yeah. Yeah.

Oh COME ON. I wanted to yank that stupid hat off his head and stomp on it with my mass-produced, non-vintage boots. What an a-hole. WHO DOESN’T LOVE AN EXTRA HOUR OF SLEEP!? I’d always thought that was a rhetorical question – evidently, it is not. At least my bagel was delicious. I don’t think I’ve written an NYC post without talking about bagels, and that is because they are so awesome up here. I have one/week.

 Boy in pork pie hat who hates sleep + whiny celeb wannabe Girl = the flattest of all of my faces (for all my talk about flat face, there aren’t very many pictures of it…I’m actually quite smiley. Here is one exception: this is me during last week’s big storm. There is nothing remotely resembling a smile on my face.)

Let’s get current on some events:

- go see Skyfall. It is the best Bond movie of the Brosnan/Craig era, and not just because of Daniel Craig the scenery, Daniel Craig the chase scenes, Daniel Craig the Bond Girls, and Daniel Craig, but because it’s actually a good story. BBT says: a TEN! BBT also recommends Argo; it, too, is excellent.

- the CEO of the Irish airline, RyanAir, wants to start selling standing-room only tickets on flights. This seems to me a really dumb idea – possibly the dumbest I have ever heard. BBT says: I’m not going to dignify this with a response.

- Jessica Simpson is looking better (credit: People by way of Caro) – I guess anyone is going to look good next to her fugly mess of a sister. BBT says: Woof (but keep up the good work, Yessica!)

My idea of what constitutes a current event is perhaps incorrect.

Have a happy hump day! My Wednesday got started off on the wrong foot when I somehow managed to ride two stops in the wrong direction on the subway. I had to get off, climb all the way up the stairs, cross over Park, go back down more stairs, and wait for another train. I’m so ashamed – what a rookie mistake. The good news is that once today is over it will be Thursday, and then it will be Friday.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Taking one for the team

Posted by AllieB on May 8, 2012

HELLO!! Let’s jump right in.

Although posing for wedding pics can be a real pain, the end result is always fun to browse – the actual event was months ago and things have started to get blurry, then all of a sudden you have 1,772 pictures to relive the entire day…for better or for worse. What this most recent set of images from the Baxter-Maines nuptials has learned me is that I ought to avoid the camera unless I am intentionally posing. Now, I’m not totally vain and I realize that these weddings photos aren’t about me, and it doesn’t really matter what I look like – it’s not my day – but it’s become too glaring of an issue to ignore. Plus, this blog is about what I want it to be about, and today is about me teaching you what not to do when taking pictures:

1. Show any sort of raw emotion.

Char seeing my dad for the first time. Seriously, BBT, get it together. Lucy looks on serenely; I could very possibly be on the verge of collapse.

2. Do the running man on the dancefloor:

Mom looks cute and breezy. I look like a hoss.

3. Sport any kind of hair-do that showcases abnormally large ears (I GREW INTO THEM) or bedeck oneself in a drab, ill-fitting, button-down mock turtlenecks. WTF is that.

Allie & Otis Nixon, 1993..? I think it was ’93. It was post-over the wall catch, pre-departure from the Braves. Whatevs – we were instant kindreds.

But, seriously – don’t do the running man on the dance floor, and keep the singing along to a minimum. I decided to leave out the pics of my Steven Tyler impression – it was simply too cruel to share…for the sake of both my peepers and yours. Note to Char/Mom: be kind when assembling the wedding album.

I think I want to start writing freelance..like for local publications. Specifically: restaurant reviews. Specifically: restaurant reviews where the publisher foots the bill and I am treated like Julia Roberts in My Best Friends Wedding. Should someone have an in on that, holla. And I’m kidding about the diva part, as the photos above so clearly demonstrate: BBT is no diva.

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Enlighten me.

Posted by AllieB on December 1, 2011

Forget my lame suggestion of ties yesterday, if you’re willing to fork over $750, THIS is what you should buy the guy in your life:

It’s The BEASTIE BOYS! Per NYMag: Packaged in a handsome metal box are three eleven-inch dolls — fully poseable! — each with their own stands, white jumpsuits, goggles, work boots, and safety vests. (Who knew these rebels were OSHA compliant?) Tossed in for good measure is the two-disc deluxe version of their Sounds of Science. Yes, at $750 it’s a bit pricey for a meta-gift, but proceeds from all sales are split between two charities that benefit kids with cancer.

Fully poseable?! Who could pass. You’re welcome.

For this week’s Confounding Conundrum, I share with you the pictorial comparison below. Shown are two women: both are approximately 5’2″ and share the same thick trunk/shoulder/no-neck body type; both are five months pregnant.

And I guess the similarities end there, because evidently Hillary Duff is giving birth to a newborn human, whereas Jessica Simpson is giving birth to Shaq. I do wish that Hillary had on tights or a longer skirt, but for the most she looks pretty great. And it’s not that Jessica looks bad, per se, it’s that she still has FOUR MONTHS TO GO. This begs the question – what on earth is she growing in there?

I am reminded of the classic film, Men in Black. Rookie agent, Will Smith, is new on the job and is innocently helping a woman he believes to be human deliver her child. Everything is going as well as it could be, when BOOM!

Squid baby.

All I’m saying is: if I were Eric What’s-His-Face, I’d stick out the delivery in the waiting room, just to be safe.

Happy Birthday to BOBBY! BBT hearts you. XX

Take it easy and just be breezy. Yours in ridicule,

Baxter Bark Twice

LEST I FORGET: My friend Helen’s biz, H&H Home, will be featured as part of One Kings Lane’s signature Tastemaker Tag Sale series:  One Kings Lane will be offering our vintage and one-of-a-kind items at up to 50% off retail, starting TONIGHT, December 1st at 6:00 PM PST / 9 PM EST. Our Collection includes a curated assortment of newly finished, never-before-seen items hand-selected by H&H Home. To learn more, and preview the collection, visit www.handhhome.com. To join One Kings Lane and shop OUR sale, go to https://www.onekingslane.com/sales/12418 

ALSO: Scout for the Home is open til 8 tonight and will be serving wine. Scout is a great place to buy smaller items for the home/gifts…think mothers, sisters, friends and the like.

Posted in Celebs, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »