Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘happy helperton’

If you have to ask, the answer is no

Posted by AllieB on January 5, 2012

Oh, look – it’s Jessica Simpson. My biggest concern, I think, is that she’s so top-heavy she’s going to topple over. To quote a wise acquaintance, she looks like a kite – a very large, incapable of ever possibly taking flight kite. WHY DOES SHE REFUSE TO HIRE A STYLIST.

Gracias, Y Kenna.

J Simps is a great segue to my next subject – you know she sends some seriously manic texts: “I’M OUT OF CHOCOLATE OH WAIT I JUST FOUND SOME CRUMBS IN MY CIRCLE SCARF PLEASE BRING ME SOME CHEETOS WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU?!” … or something like that. Please refer to the flow chart below. ErinD sent it to me, and I got a kick out of it largely because I have a history of sending the most redonkulous texts ever. I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I should compile a coffee table book or similar. (It should be noted that people on the receiving end of these messages have never made such a suggestion.) Back in the day, I could have had my very own thumbnail on Texts From Last Night. Luckily, I’m totally in control of the disorder nowadays – much to the relief of everyone in my phone book.

Even if I’d had access to this during my texting heyday, I’m not sure it would have helped – namely because I can’t read from right to left or down to up, but also because it’s completely extraneous. Allow me (this is my maiden flow chart, so bear with me):

Personally, I think my guide proffers a much simpler solution to all texting malfeasances. And it would behoove me to take my own advice….wisdom: imparted.


Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , | 9 Comments »

What to Give: Holiday Gift Ideas

Posted by AllieB on November 30, 2011

Ho ho ho!!! (Sister, someone’s calling you.) Merry Christmas!

I’ve mentioned my lack of creativity before re: costuming, and the case is very much the same when it comes to gift giving. I think those who can give thoughtful and not necessarily elaborate or over-the-top gifts have a truly enviable skill. You know the person – they could make a bag of dirt seem appealing. They’re the ones who bring the delicately wrapped and ribbon-adorned lace cookies to the bake sale when you bring a half batch of Nestle Tollhouse because you ate most of the dough. (I speak not from experience….) Anyway, some people just have “the touch.” For those of us who don’t, there are gift guides.

For Guys: I’ve been asked by more than one person for gift recommendations for boys. This is pretty much the blind leading the blind, but I did a little research…and…here. Sorry in advance. I found this one guide: Gifts for Guys That DON’T SUCK that is trying just a little too hard…there are 4 pages of ideas, including a camouflage baseball, stainless steel ice cubes, and bacon-flavored hot sauce. I think I might pick up that third one for yours truly.

If anyone but Barney Stinson handed me a drink with these in them, I’d get the H outta D.

Look, shopping for guys is tough. Get him a tie. A Vineyard Vines or Ferragamo one with a tasteful golfing or aquatic or football motif. YKenna – I helped you not at all, did I.

White Elephant Party: Thompson Ferrier Candles. I always say you must smell a candle before you buy, but at this price I say go with it – Elegant Gardenia sounds pretty safe. I still don’t quite get the premise of these parties, but this falls in the right price range – can’t beat $15. This Capri Blue Jar candle ($28 at Anthro) is actually my most favorite, and it’s larger than most.

For Pallison Cleveland: The Meatball Shop Cookbook by Daniel Holzman and Michael Chernow (Ballantine Books; $28).  Make this: Start with the signature beef version and work your way up to the advanced-technique “bunny balls.”

Stocking Stuffer/Gift That Keeps on Giving: Best invention ever – the rubber wine stopper. This set will cost you $11.33 and will change the life of its recipient. It can make a bad bottle of wine good – literally. Go ahead and buy 2 – one to give and one to keep. That’s kind of nice mantra with Christmas shopping in general…

For the person who has everything/is impossible to shop for: a gift to charity in their name. Honestly, I really like it when people do this in my honor, especially when it’s to a cause I hold dear. If you’re really stumped as to what to get someone, think about what they like: puppies, trees, art, hunting, music, children, healthcare…if there’s a noun, there’s a 501 (c) 3 raising money for it. Most of these causes will send a notification to the person for whom you gave the gift, so that’s a nice little bonus.

This is a woefully incomplete list…nothing for parents…and I didn’t even include anything for me! That’s probably because I already have everything I could possibly wish for :) Well, except for new Frye boots and/or a console table for my abode.

Here are 425 more ideas from $3 to $1,295. 

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , | 9 Comments »

New & Improved

Posted by AllieB on November 16, 2011

Good day.

Two, no three things of interest:

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar has been released. They seem to have cut out the bonus 13th month that I posed for…strange. That Brooklyn Decker is just tragic, isn’t she?

so sad :(

On a wholly unrelated note, I have updated my restaurant spreadsheet!!! I’ve even helpfully HIGHLIGHTED the new restaurants, per the suggestion of Randy Dale. I know I am missing some because there are more than 150 restaurants ITP (there are three or four OTP that I need to mention…next time), but it’s pretty comprehensive. You may check it out here, and it is also updated on my Atlanta Restaurants: A Guide page that has some other helpful links to reviews and stuff. I aim to please.

My posts are getting shorter and shorter…OH YEAH – I went back to Mirko and ordered off the menu…BBT says: delicious. I got papardelle (long, wide noodle) with the mushroom cream sauce. It had approximately 1,400 calories and 45 grams of fat, but it was really, really good. My father got the papardelle with the Amatriciana (spicy tomato) sauce, and his was really good, too. Not as good as my gluttonous concoction, but very tasty nevertheless. Plus, the Spinaci salad (baby spinach, goat cheese, raisins, some vinaigrette dressing) was also quite good. Forget Pan-Asian on Sundays; I’m going to Mirko.

Watch out for tornadoes.

Posted in Food & Drink, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

That’s Enough Advice, Bark Twice

Posted by AllieB on April 14, 2011

For my third advice column, I’m doing actual questions asked by actual people…ish. I liberally paraphrased the following questions from multiple convos with multiple people, but I can do that because I call the shots around here.

Dear BBT,

I want to meet new boys – where/how can I do that?

-Single and Ready to Mingle

Dear Never Refer to Yourself as “Ready to Mingle” Again,

Service projects! Philanthropic social events!! Irby Avenue!

I really have no idea. But what I do know is this: leave :| at home – no one wants to talk to Flat Face.

Dear BBT,

My friend is such a drama queen and I really don’t think I can take it anymore. I don’t want her to think I don’t care, but I also don’t think I can handle another second of her bitching and moaning. Thoughts?

-End of My Rope

Dear Join the Club,

Take it easy, JtC – being dramatic about another’s drama helps no one…I think lots of times people just go thru phases where they have their head so far up their own ass that they don’t know up from down. Maybe take a little breather – go invisi on gchat, hang out with a different group of friends for the weekend…sometimes space is the best medicine.

This is not good advice – space is the best medicine?? I really don’t know what to say…YOU’RE a drama queen.

Maybe I’m not as good at the wisdom imparting as I thought. I think I’ll stop now.

It’s just as well, anyway, because Zirkle #3 shared with me an amazing blog that is equal parts fascinating and terrifying – not only in subject matter, but also re: the domepiece of its creator. There’s obscure…and then there’s morphing famous celebs with Steve Buscemi’s eyes.

Anne Hathaway + Steve Buscemi's eyes = nightmares 4 life

I am repulsed, yet I can’t look away. There are so many awesomely horrible ones…Heidi is a favorite,  and the Kardashians…here – have a gander: Chicks with Steve Buscemeyes.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Advice from Bark Twice (Numero Dos)

Posted by AllieB on March 3, 2011

The first installment of my advice-giving piece went over well, so, for lack of better fun and interactive Thursday ideas, I’m going with it. I really want to do another survey, but I’m having a hard time coming up with new ideas. Should you have a suggestion, please share. Anyway, here we go: Round 2.

Dear BBT,

My friends have been pressuring me into getting a tattoo. Of our group of 6, everyone but me has a large Chinese symbol on either their back or lower abdomen. They keep calling me a pansy or a wuss for not getting one. I mean, I guess theirs are cool – the symbols mean important, relevant things like “peace” and “serenity” and, like, “wise” or something. I don’t want them to cut me out – I don’t want to end up like “Am I a Loser” from last week! Help!

-Peer Pressured (Bulls-Eye, USA)

Dear Tramp Stamp,

Congratulations, you are the winner of this week’s DUNCE award! You have to wear your dunce hat for a full seven days so everyone knows what an idiot you are for even considering succumbing to the peer pressure of your dumbass friends and marring your skin with an erroneously translated LARGE Chinese symbol. $1,000 that your friend’s “peace” tat means “man hands.”

*Disclaimer to my pals with body art: none of this applies to you.

Dear BBT,

I want to start a blog. Should I? I mean, is it hard? I just don’t know if I’d be any good at it…

-Indecisive (Blahville, USA)

Dear If You Have to Ask, the Answer Is No.

Note to self: get a second dunce hat.

Dear BBT,

I have a crush on this guy, but I don’t think he even knows I’m alive. Well, actually, he does because last week when I was trying to make my way over to talk to him, I tripped on my huge feet and poured my drink all over his clothes. It was so embarrassing for both of us because where I spilled made it look like he had wet himself – everyone was laughing at him more than me. Anyway, he has avoided me ever since and I don’t know how to make him not hate me! Please help.

-I can’t help it (Klutztown, America)

Dear Is Your Name Allie,

Wait, seriously, are you trying to make fun of me or something because this sort of thing happens to me all of the time. Well, I don’t really have the klutz problem, but I’ve been known to pull equally imbecilic moves like inadvertently making fun of a guy’s grandmother or something. It’s very hard to properly shoulder-dip and head-toss when your foot is in your mouth – I think my only hope is to one day just stop talking. As for you, maybe you can not walk and drink simultaneously…? Your Q has me stymied – it’s like the blind leading the blind. Good luck to the both of us.

If you would like your question pondered by BBT, please send an email to

Tis a glorious day in the ATL! There’s a new Pinkberry opening in Buckhead next to Borders and CVS across from Dick’s and Target and from 6 – 10 p.m. tonight they’re serving up free yogurt! And don’t forget about the free fries from Chick-fil-A tomorrow from 2 – 4 p.m. To round out my freebie trifecta, I just reserved a Turkey Cobb Sandwich from Corner Bakery and will be retrieving said sammy next Thursday after work.

Today, I leave you with these tweets from Steve Martin. I’m telling you, I love The Twitter.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , | 5 Comments »