Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘get in my belly’

There are no small victories: BBT by the numbers

Posted by AllieB on April 10, 2014

Minus 10 points for missing last week – I don’t even have a good excuse and it will probably happen again, but I’m here today which I’d say is a victory – and not a small one because there are no small victories. Lots of exciting stuff going on: instead of using a standard bullet format to organize my thoughts, I am breaking them down by the numbers. And if that’s not enticing enough, there’s a really cool surprise when you get to the end…

24: 24 hours til I’m poolside in the Panhandle.

3: Three different sales people Pretty Woman’ed me at Bergdorf’s on Monday. I ordered something from Neiman Marcus online, and I didn’t like it. I also didn’t like the idea of waiting 14 days for my refund (there’s no Neiman’s in NYC), so I gave Customer Service a call and learned I could return my item to Bergdorf’s. Awesome! B-dorf’s is 10 blocks from my office. Things got a lot less awesome upon arrival – I totally get now how lousy Julia Roberts-as-prostitute felt when she went to that store and those bitchy ladies wouldn’t help her.

Sidebar Rant: I think there’s a required seminar all these employees attend where they learn how to make you feel like crap. First and foremost: the signature Eye Rake – this move actually has the same effect as that machine in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids except it shrinks your soul.  Anyone who is not toting an ostrich Prada bag or hasn’t had at least four plastic surgery procedures is subject to the Eye Rake wherein the sales associate rakes their eyes up and down your person, pausing to raise a single brow at especially offensive attire or accessories, such as a pair of Tom’s. Once they’ve robbed you of all self-worth, the employee will purse their lips in a smirky duckface and then, with a hugely exaggerated roll of their eyes, might they deign to answer whatever question you dared ask.

Perhaps one day I’ll go back in carrying not one but three Prada ostrich bags having spruced myself up with a face, brow, eye, boob, AND butt lift, then glide around with my nose in the air waving wads of cash saying, “Big mistake, huge.” Yeah….yeah.

I digress. Someone finally told me where to return the stupid dress, and I got my dollaz back in 48 hours. Mission: accomplished.

2: I’ve made two tomato pies in the last two weeks. Have you heard of the tomato pie diet? It’s all the rage – little known fact: mayonnaise and flaky pie crust are actually power foods.

tomato pie

4: I recently bought a pack of classes to Barry’s Bootcamp aka Torture Chamber Where You Pay $$$$ To Be Yelled At Then Almost Vomit. I’ve gone to four of them. Four is also the number of days since I’ve been able to stand up or sit down without crying a little.

0: I have successfully walked into the Men’s room zero times this week! Two weeks ago I moved up several floors to a new office, and the layout is literally identical to where I was with one exception: the men’s room is where the women’s room was, and vice versa. While I feel really good about my literacy and ability to identify the universal signs for MALE and FEMALE, I still find myself walking towards the wrong door…

5: …and last week I actually did walk thru the wrong door. Five times :(

2011: back in August 2011 the PGA Championship was at the Atlanta Athletic Club. I went to an early round and discovered the physical specimen that is Adam Scott. I spent much of the day stalking tracking his progress and I know I wasn’t the only one who felt our “connection” – it was palpable. Adam definitely needs another green jacket. What a smokeshow.

BBT and Adam Scott

See something you like, Adam? I think he might be jealous of my traps #hoss #mustbetheangle

19: Valeria, the human Barbie, has a 19 inch waist and maintains her inhuman proportions by way of plastic surgery and subsisting on an “air and light” diet. She’s freaking me the EFF OUT. Read more about how cool and normal she is in this GQ article. (Credit: Hilary.)

human barbie valeria

That’s a real person.

39: 39 Things That Only Girls Growing Up in the 80’s Would Get. This gave me almost physical pangs of nostalgia…Caboodles! Lip Smackers! Side pony’s! I actually still like a side pony…(credit: A)

23: So this what they mean by “heaven on earth” – the Annual Lobster Rumble on June 5 in NYC showcases 23 lobster rolls from 23 restaurants across the US, and I, the event attendee, am tasked to taste them all and choose a winner. Holy sh*t. There goes my “one lobster roll per year” rule. That was a really dumb rule anyway.

I was lying about the cool surprise – thought I’d lose you when I started talking about my “standard bullet format.” Thanks for reading!

I’m PCB-bound for a calm and relaxing wedding weekend with only a couple friends – we’ll go to bed early and there will be no dancing, especially not to Mustang Sally.

Spring is here!!!! TGIT!

Bryant Park 1And one day, not too far from now, those trees might even grow some leaves…

 Take a minute and count your blessings today. I say that in all sincerity.

 

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F is for Fur

Posted by AllieB on March 13, 2014

Hello. I was sorting through my closet recently, and I was sad to realize I probably wouldn’t have occasion to wear my fur vest again this season. Well aren’t I the lucky one because today dawned 18 degrees with 30mph winds… I’ll probably be sporting this thing thru May. Happy Memorial Day love BBT and her vest.

I digress. Let’s get to the heart of today’s relevant matters:

1. GET YOUR GD GIRL SCOUT COOKIES AWAY FROM ME

2. Atlanta was excellent. It made me really excited for spring up here…I still believe in seasons, and Mother Nature will reward me for my loyalty.

atl collage From top left:

  • this is something fun you can do in Snapchat – add your mph as you snap! This was taken on a stroll around Chastain Park. #haulingA #tryharder #grannycangofaster
  • Silly Sally!! She was an absolute delight, and a very willing participant in this photo (BBT: do something about your hairs)
  • ATL as seen from Casa di K via the skillz of Professional Snapper, A
  • Ok, this isn’t ATL, it was on the subway the other morning – but is that not B.D. Wong?? I’ve been watching a lot of Law & Order: SVU recently, but I’m pretty sure it’s him…

3. BIG news: I have a new favorite mascara…! My gold standard L’Oreal Voluminous will always have a place in my makeup bag, but I recently purchased L’Oreal Voluminous Butterfly Mascara because who could resist a “revolutionary butterfly brush” that will give my lashes a “winged-out effect.” Turns out – it actually does what it says! I curl my lashes 9 out of 10 times before putting on mascara, but some mornings I’m like, “ain’t nobody got time for that.” The technologically advanced makeup brush really did extend the outer corners of my lashes while providing the usual 6x my normal volume. It absolutely does not replace an eyelash curler, but for those mornings when you just can’t handle that extra, 3 second step, it gets the job done.

l-oreal-paris-voluminous-butterfly-mascara

4. Hello, PornBurger. The craziest thing is that this dude makes all these up himself – I will pay him $1 million to open a restaurant. Or maybe we can just get married?

pornburger_thefullmounty

 oh hey.

5. WHERE IS THAT AIRPLANE? Seriously though – where is it? This is beyond bizarre.

It doesn’t even feel like a Thursday – it feels like a horrible parallel universe version of Thursday that lasts 72 hours and all you want is that glass of wine you’ve legitimately earned (for once) and you can see it but you can’t reach it…. That doesn’t even make sense. I gotta get out of here. Suffice it to say, I am ready for the weekend.

ready to party

 Yep. Happy Weekend from BBT and her vest

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I wrote it, now you read it

Posted by AllieB on November 27, 2012

Tis the season for holiday gluttony. And, if you’re like me, maybe a little bit of sloth. Well, if you’re like how I used to be…more on that in a bit. Hope everyone had a delightful TGivs. I stayed in the Tri-State area, hung out with family, shopped, and went to the opera. It was quite a night: we had dinner at La Grenouille beforehand, then saw Un Ballo in Mascheraat Lincoln Center – here, I’ll break it down for you with a little schizophrenic Q & A:

Did you enjoy the opera?

I don’t know.

Can you provide a plot summary or quick synopsis?

There was love, infidelity, death, some sneakiness…and lots of masks.

Ah. Care to enlighten us further?

I’m sure I would if I could.

Did you wear a long red gown and white gloves and prettily cry a single tear at the end like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman?

Yes, no, and of course not.

Well, can you tell us how dinner was?

I can! Dinner was amazing. La Grenouille has an excellent prix fixe pre-theater dinner menu – I had the duck confit served with tuscan white beans to start, and for my main I had the beef medallion in a peppercorn sauce served with mashed potatoes. I’d had my fill of starches by this point, but the meat was cooked to perfection. We had a 2005 Bordeaux to accompany the meal, and it was, overall, just excellent. Sidebar: I went vegan awhile back and it’s going great.

And really nothing else to add about the opera?

Really, nothing else. Oh, maybe – there are screens mounted on the seats in front of you so you can follow along with what’s being sung – should your hair ACCIDENTALLY fall back over your own chair, say while you’re taking a quick nap or similar, thus blocking the words for the person sitting behind you, said person could possibly overreact resulting in something of a disturbance/tussle. Just FYI.

Thanks for that.

My pleasure.

So…dinner was great!

I was sad not to be in Atlanta, but I wasn’t even invited to come home – my parents weren’t in town to host us, they were here instead. 

 Tierra Patagonia in Patagonia. I would very much like to go to there.

And I don’t hold it against them at all: coolest hotel ever in a faraway & not oft-traveled country > cooking for me. We’ll make up for it at CHRISTMAS!!

Noteworthy mention: my mom booked the trip through Ansley Thomas at Smart Flyer, and I know she was very happy with the planning process and the trip itself. Yeah, this place looks alright.

So, I know you’re dying to know what I was referring to re: no longer being sloth-like, and here it is: I registered to run the LA Marathon on March 17, 2013. I’ve always said I’d do one before I turned 30, and those days are getting REAL numbered, so carpe diem and all that. I think it will make me feel good to cross something so substantial, something I’ve been talking about for so long, off my bucket list. I’m setting up a series of checks and balances to ensure that I don’t flake: the $165 registration helps; the airfare to get out there won’t hurt; and I think I’m going to raise money, too, the designated charity TBD. Also, if you’re reading this then you therefore know about it, so you can make it your life’s mission to hold me accountable. Before I began my training the farthest I’d run was the 6.2 mile Peachtree Road Race, and I spent most of the time availing myself to the refreshments offered along the course, which included Krispy Kreme donuts and beer. That was probably less “run” and more “lopsided walk due to persistent indigestion.” In spite of all of this, I am optimistic and excited: I have a training schedule that I compiled from various reliable online sources, and I’m going to join one of those running clubs. Tis the season for people to meet Red Face Allie.

After a rather unpleasant morning yog earlier this week, I am anticipating some real issues with the cold weather + outdoor runs. I’ve got a 20 miler in February that is going to be borderline impossible in the best of conditions, and I need to be prepared for the absolute worst. So, I did some research for a face mask of sorts because my nose is the only part of epidermis for which I do not have proper covering…suffice it to say, I’ve not made much progress. (These are all results found on Amazon when I searched “cold weather facemask”) 

From left: nope; absolutely not; could be funny…but, no.

Solution: unknown. I’ll keep you abreast. ABREAST.

Who says we can only give thanks one day/year?! No one, come to think of it, which is good because here I go:

1. I had my first celeb sighting!!! I was in the West Village with Mary Cath and Kate, and they can attest that those three exclamation points do my reaction no justice…I kind of freaked out…

Victor Garber. He’s in a lot of stuff!!! Argo, First Wives Club, Titanic, ALIAS…totally legit.

2. Green Chile Mac & Cheese at Good Restaurant. Holy YES PLEASE. I dined here the other evening with Laura and Lucy, and, although there were three of us working on it, we didn’t come close to finishing…I was contemplating how I might pack it up to go and carry it around in my clutch for the rest of the evening, when the waiter – who, I’d like to add, had been jumping the gun on our dining experience ALL evening – swooped in and took it away. I guess I thought I’d reconciled the incident, but given the amount I’ve thought about it since…clearly not. We have no choice but to return.

3. Hand sanitizer and other helpful anti-sick tricks. I end up next to Patient Zero for the next avian/swine flu on the subway at least 3x/week. When I inevitably find myself next to Snotty McHackUpALung, I like to daintily fake sneeze* into the crook of my elbow in hopes they will follow my example next time instead of sneezing in someone’s ear. (It was my ear. A GUY SNEEZED IN MY EAR.) I also got a flu shot and I take my Juice Plus every day.

*Obviously it’s a fake sneeze – my real sneeze would take out an entire subway car of people. I do not ACHOO in confined spaces.

4. My “around the city” NYC pics. This will never get old – I’m sure you feel the same way.

Christmas-tree lined sidewalks. This is my new favorite thing, and they smell SO good – much better than garbage.

My guy at the Starbucks in the bottom of my office building calls me Atlanta. At first he said Hotlanta (right????), but the other baristas thought that meant make my drink extra hot…so now it’s just Atlanta. It’s my daily caffeine and hometown fix.

5. ExACTly.

WHEN THE FOOD THAT I ORDERED ISN’T AS GOOD AS I HOPED

Go forth and prosper; be kind and rewind; aim to please; hold the door open for someone; tip an extra 10%. Tis the season to not be a jerk.

GoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAWGS!!!!

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Pizza for everybody!

Posted by AllieB on April 16, 2012

This is not brand new information, but I demand a click-thru on this link: #WHATSHOULDWECALLME. It’s funny because it’s true and awesome and I love GIF images.

 FLIRTING 

What I think I look like:

What I actually look like:

Haha. Happy Munday. Also, Happy Eggs Benedict Day – true story.

Obviously my spreadsheet is woefully out of date, and I’m sure one of these days I’ll get around to updating it, but for now…whatever. I did venture to one of the newer spots in town this weekend: STG Trattoria on W. Paces Ferry in the same complex as Flywheel and Dry Bar. It’s really good! K and I shared a Nature Salad, which really was full of nature: radishes, beets, carrots…more nature than I usually prefer, frankly, but it was lightly dressed and we wanted something crunchy and green, so it served its purpose. Then we shared the Spinach, Proscuitto, Mushroom, Parmesan, Bechamel pizza, which was amazing. My favorite part was definitely the bechamel…just kidding – I don’t know what that is, but it made my pizza awesome. There are lots of neat things about STG, from the wine-bottle lined entry way, to the u-shaped dining bar that kind of focuses on the huge super-hot ovens that they cook that pizza in. It’s run by the same guy who does Bocado – Brian Lewis – and he’s got Joshua Hopkins of Abbatoir (LOVE) and Adam Waller of Sotto Sotto (ALSO LOVE) in the kitchen. I think this place will only improve over time, but it will also be very loud when it’s crowded – not shocking given that dining at Bocado is like playing a screaming match of tennis. Word to the wise: be very specific when you order your bottle of wine, lest you end up with a $54 one as opposed to a $29 one…oh yeah – the extensive wine list is all sold at a retail prices so none of that pesky 200% restaurant mark-up. BBT says: go forth and dine. Two forks up.

I ought to start taking pictures of my food now that I am with iPhone, which I am absolutely loving. I’ve been terribly busy the last few days, so I don’t feel like I’ve totally acquainted myself with it…much to my dismay, the manual was not that 50 page booklet like most devices, but some very simple and abbreviated fold-out pamphlet. I kind of feel like Apple threw me in the deep end without any floaties…

*Pizza for everybody! – Rebecca, if you’re reading this, I did it for you….long live Oz 2k3!

Short but sweet, no? I’m slowly but surely getting back into the swing of the blogosphere. Do your part and eat some hollondaise today. TTFN!

Posted in Arbitrary, Food & Drink | Tagged: , , , | 5 Comments »

Tricks of my trade

Posted by AllieB on February 1, 2012

I can already tell this is not a guy-friendly post, so here’s a little something for y’all…here’s Candice Swanepoel posing for the Victoria’s Secret swimsuit issue. This picture is actually a before (left) and after (right) photoshop.

Is it just me, or does she look better in the before than she does the after?? For more ego-boosting images, click here.

I am a fountain of information, if I do say so myself. The best eye drops, hangover cures, mini-Vaseline canisters…not to mention restaurant tips and the like. You’re welcome for all of that, but I do have a confession to make…more often than not, I have not actually tried the product which I am pedaling – shameful, I know, and a little dishonest. (I really do want to try that hangover pill – did anyone ever get that?) BUT I do feel that I am somewhat upfront about that…except the mini Vaseline thingys, I blatantly said I’d ordered all 4 when I had not, nor have ordered any of them to this day. Anyway, whatever, get over it – I HAVE tried this product I discovered (by way of H.L. Edge) and now you all need to try it. Meet and greet: Frownies.

  • Frownies are a simple method to reverse deep expression lines Frownies repair wrinkle-damaged skin without dangers of injections or toxic chemicals
  • Dramatically reduce lines and wrinkles safely and naturally
  • Trains the underlying facial muscles to regain the strength and tone they have lost
  • Use daily or nightly; leave on for a minimum of three hours

My favorite place to use them is on my brow that is furrowed. Whenever I read, text, or am displeased with someone, my brow goes into furrowed mode. Given the amount those three things are happening, I’m starting to sport a permanent furrow (I refuse to use the word ‘wrinkle’ here). I’m not going down that Botox path just yet, and these seemed like a good intermediary step. I (Gaylen), obviously, purchased them off Amazon so they were a mere $14 for 144 patches. I haven’t been using them for all that long, but it’s interesting – when you put them on you can tell how much your skin is inclined to relax into that same furrowed position, and the frownie patch ensures that it cannot. Visit this link and buy your Frownies today!!!

Moving along. I fell short in my wing post last week in that I didn’t offer any recommendations for where to get the best ones. Mr C’s is good, Wing Factory, obviously…Treehouse has those teriyaki ones that are pretty decent. One Star Ranch does a pretty good hot sauce…but for those who like to get all adventurous-like in the kitchen, these look pretty awesome, too: Bacon Cheddar Buffalo Wings. JBax told me about this cooking blog, and it has really good pictures – if the food tastes half as good as it looks, then I’m sure it’s awesome. I rarely get all the way thru the post to look at the actual cooking preparation, but if anyone’s looking for something delish to whip up for Super Bowl Sunday, these look like a winner.

It’s FINALLY February!! January…..don’t ever do that again. Happiest of Hump Days to you all.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »