Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘dance party’

There are no small victories: BBT by the numbers

Posted by AllieB on April 10, 2014

Minus 10 points for missing last week – I don’t even have a good excuse and it will probably happen again, but I’m here today which I’d say is a victory – and not a small one because there are no small victories. Lots of exciting stuff going on: instead of using a standard bullet format to organize my thoughts, I am breaking them down by the numbers. And if that’s not enticing enough, there’s a really cool surprise when you get to the end…

24: 24 hours til I’m poolside in the Panhandle.

3: Three different sales people Pretty Woman’ed me at Bergdorf’s on Monday. I ordered something from Neiman Marcus online, and I didn’t like it. I also didn’t like the idea of waiting 14 days for my refund (there’s no Neiman’s in NYC), so I gave Customer Service a call and learned I could return my item to Bergdorf’s. Awesome! B-dorf’s is 10 blocks from my office. Things got a lot less awesome upon arrival – I totally get now how lousy Julia Roberts-as-prostitute felt when she went to that store and those bitchy ladies wouldn’t help her.

Sidebar Rant: I think there’s a required seminar all these employees attend where they learn how to make you feel like crap. First and foremost: the signature Eye Rake – this move actually has the same effect as that machine in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids except it shrinks your soul.  Anyone who is not toting an ostrich Prada bag or hasn’t had at least four plastic surgery procedures is subject to the Eye Rake wherein the sales associate rakes their eyes up and down your person, pausing to raise a single brow at especially offensive attire or accessories, such as a pair of Tom’s. Once they’ve robbed you of all self-worth, the employee will purse their lips in a smirky duckface and then, with a hugely exaggerated roll of their eyes, might they deign to answer whatever question you dared ask.

Perhaps one day I’ll go back in carrying not one but three Prada ostrich bags having spruced myself up with a face, brow, eye, boob, AND butt lift, then glide around with my nose in the air waving wads of cash saying, “Big mistake, huge.” Yeah….yeah.

I digress. Someone finally told me where to return the stupid dress, and I got my dollaz back in 48 hours. Mission: accomplished.

2: I’ve made two tomato pies in the last two weeks. Have you heard of the tomato pie diet? It’s all the rage – little known fact: mayonnaise and flaky pie crust are actually power foods.

tomato pie

4: I recently bought a pack of classes to Barry’s Bootcamp aka Torture Chamber Where You Pay $$$$ To Be Yelled At Then Almost Vomit. I’ve gone to four of them. Four is also the number of days since I’ve been able to stand up or sit down without crying a little.

0: I have successfully walked into the Men’s room zero times this week! Two weeks ago I moved up several floors to a new office, and the layout is literally identical to where I was with one exception: the men’s room is where the women’s room was, and vice versa. While I feel really good about my literacy and ability to identify the universal signs for MALE and FEMALE, I still find myself walking towards the wrong door…

5: …and last week I actually did walk thru the wrong door. Five times :(

2011: back in August 2011 the PGA Championship was at the Atlanta Athletic Club. I went to an early round and discovered the physical specimen that is Adam Scott. I spent much of the day stalking tracking his progress and I know I wasn’t the only one who felt our “connection” – it was palpable. Adam definitely needs another green jacket. What a smokeshow.

BBT and Adam Scott

See something you like, Adam? I think he might be jealous of my traps #hoss #mustbetheangle

19: Valeria, the human Barbie, has a 19 inch waist and maintains her inhuman proportions by way of plastic surgery and subsisting on an “air and light” diet. She’s freaking me the EFF OUT. Read more about how cool and normal she is in this GQ article. (Credit: Hilary.)

human barbie valeria

That’s a real person.

39: 39 Things That Only Girls Growing Up in the 80’s Would Get. This gave me almost physical pangs of nostalgia…Caboodles! Lip Smackers! Side pony’s! I actually still like a side pony…(credit: A)

23: So this what they mean by “heaven on earth” – the Annual Lobster Rumble on June 5 in NYC showcases 23 lobster rolls from 23 restaurants across the US, and I, the event attendee, am tasked to taste them all and choose a winner. Holy sh*t. There goes my “one lobster roll per year” rule. That was a really dumb rule anyway.

I was lying about the cool surprise – thought I’d lose you when I started talking about my “standard bullet format.” Thanks for reading!

I’m PCB-bound for a calm and relaxing wedding weekend with only a couple friends – we’ll go to bed early and there will be no dancing, especially not to Mustang Sally.

Spring is here!!!! TGIT!

Bryant Park 1And one day, not too far from now, those trees might even grow some leaves…

 Take a minute and count your blessings today. I say that in all sincerity.

 

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I wish you would stop being useless and start being pizza

Posted by AllieB on May 9, 2013

I went to two weddings last weekend. I flew to Charleston on Friday for the rehearsal dinner of one then flew to Atlanta on Saturday for the ceremony/reception of another. While it may seem that this nonsense itinerary was me being a really, really good friend, it was actually because I wanted to see all my peeps…and because of my FOMO. It’s real convenient when a selfish gesture is construed as a selfless one. I’m glad I did both, but it’s unlikely I’ll ever do it again. Future brides and grooms: it’d be great if you could check with me prior to setting a date.

My spring nuptial tour wraps up this weekend in Highlands, NC. Lindsay, I am ready to party on your behalf.

wigs

Actually, Lindsay, me and the belly dancer are both ready. Wigs & Babaganoush – A’s Bday 2010. I think we can all agree that you’re best as a blonde, and I think Kim Zolciak wants her wig back…

Several weeks ago I went to the New York Tenement Museum (of course I did) and, while browsing in the gift shop afterwards, I found a book that caught my eye: 642 Things to Write About. Obviously I bought it. Wouldn’t it be neat if I knocked out all 642 things, kind of like a Julie & Julia thing (the girl cooks all of Julia Child’s recipes from her most famous cookbook). As I’m wont to do, I haven’t really followed thru on this big idea, but better late than never. To summarize: the book has 642 random thoughts, words, ideas, and scenarios about which you can write; here are some examples:

-Write for 10 minutes about what is running through a husband-to-be’s head while his wife-to-be is walking down the aisle to the alter where he stands. (I’ve started this; it’s going to be great – it might even make me famous)

-Describe one of your bad habits and why you secretly get joy out of it (this won’t make an appearance on BBT…ever)

-Something you’ve always regretted saying (I mean….where do I begin)

-What you ate for breakfast (Special K)

-Write about something you know absolutely nothing about. Make all of it up. (I do that every time I write a BBT post)

serial killer

I’ve never won any penmanship awards.  Dexter bc duh; CSI bc you have to know what kind of tricks are up the police’s sleeves – gotta stay current; Say Yes to the Dress and Kardashians bc you’re clearly insane and only insane people watch those shows; Friends bc you weren’t always this way – once upon a time you loved a good laugh.

So I figure I’ll get started on some of these, and the 636 other questions, and share them on BBT sometimes. This will be fun!

Fail of the Week:

Yesterday morning I woke up around 6 AM and was going to do some stuff on my home comp while I had a cup of Earl Gray and watched some tube. I turned on my tv, then made my tea, and returned to my room to settle in for a bit. I went to change the channel…no remote. Obviously it was there, in my room, since I’d just used it to turn the TV on, but I couldn’t find it. I got SO frustrated, and before long this frustration began to boil over into legit anger…it was when I started hurling pillows around that I decided to not go all Courtney Love on my own room, and just go to work early. I figured when I got home it would be hiding in plain sight on my dresser or something – you know, “if it were a snake it would’ve bitten me” type thing. It was when I got to work and was unpacking my stuff that I realized my remote was in my shoe/second bag I carry around everywhere…how or why I know not, but…fail.

That was an even cooler story than Hansel’s.

theres my remote

Damn you, remote. And damn you, Gwyneth Paltrow!! My work friend, Gail, gives me all her mags when she’s done, hence the stack. It’s f’ing gross out, hence the ‘ella. Although up here you’d be wise to never leave home w/o an umbrella.

There’s an About Me page on this site, and it’s  just a few facts about moi that I change up every now and again, with the exception of Favorite Foods section. My four favorite foods have been the same since the very beginning, and they are as follows:

  1. cheese
  2. steak
  3. cheesesteak
  4. pizza

I really love pizza.

ariail

Little Mermaid agrees.

That was random. Here’s the thing – sometimes I really have no idea what I’m going to write about, and I have to start somewhere – this week I started with the title, having filched it from Sister ages ago with plans to use it on BBT in some capacity, and went from there. I also made homemade pizza with Jordan on Tuesday (whole wheat dough from Trader Joe’s – very delicious) and had a slice for dinner last night (Joe’s on Carmine, a real institution), so a pizza theme seemed kind of appropriate….

And that’s how my mind works.

Newsflash: Two people fell overboard and are now missing from a CARNIVAL cruise ship in Australia. Can we have an intervention with Carnival? Dear Carnival, SHUT IT DOWN. Shut them all down. However, at this point, if you’re dunce enough to willingly book a Carnival Cruise, you might deserve whatever misadventures that may befall you.

TGIT!!! Peace – Love – Pizza

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It’s a bird, it’s a plane…it’s Wine Gal

Posted by AllieB on October 6, 2011

One of my biggest flaws, I think, is my lack of creativity when it comes to costumes. I have a pretty good imagination and can be creative with other stuff – this blog doesn’t write itself – but I suck at costumes. People who do not suck at costumes: A, K, Leila, Pants, Caro…you’ve all had some remarkable ‘stumes. Case in point: two years ago I dressed up as Parker Posey from Dazed and Confused. LAME. And, to make it even lamer, I was the only person who did it so instead of SENIORS my shirt said SENIOR – senior singular. I did enjoy having that whistle…and making people fry like bacon.

Last year, as I was thinking about options, I decided that, whatever I chose to be, it had to include a cape. Who wears capes? Superheros. Somehow I landed on a “wine superhero” (probably after a great deal of wine) and yada yada yada…meet & greet WINE GAL.

Wine Gal wore all purple: purple knee socks, purple tennis skirt, purple tank bathing suit (oddly, I owned all of these things), and I bought some sparkly purple fabric to fashion a cape. Key accessories included a gold fanny pack and my weapon of choice – corkscrew, duh – and then mini bottles of wine which served as my strength serum – think Popeye and spinach. I didn’t really have a super power….unless you count the ability to consume incredible quantities of red wine as one. Which I do.

So, here we are… Once again I have no idea what to be, I only know what I don’t want to be:

-slutty nurse/waitress/maid/police officer… you can pretty much be a slutty noun. Those costumes are lame and SO obvious. PLU don’t dress up like those things, but I just wanted to reassert how not okay they are – I don’t care what you saw in Mean Girls.

-persona from current events. Apparently Charlie Sheen is trending as this year’s most popular costume. That’s really dumb.

-any kind of animal. Either you’re a slutty kitten or you wind up in some huge cow costume with icky udders. No to both. Unless you’re a dude, in which case a big goofy animal costume can be funny. Actually, guy costumes are a totally different conversation – the same rules do not apply.

-anything really ugly or scary. I’m sorry, I’m just not good at really immersing myself in a look…this might be why I’m no good at costuming. Maybe I just need to get over myself and go as Mt. Rushmore or something……A, you will forever have my respect for that mountain of an ensemble.

Fack. BOLO for Wine Gal 2.0.

*PLU = people like us.

He changed our lives and imaginations with his inventions. Check out this compilation of tributes from across the world – an “iMemorial” of Steve Jobs – worth a look.

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And a very Happy Friday to you

Posted by AllieB on February 4, 2011

Can you blame him?

Don’t need sound. What you do need is a freaking rain jacket – boooo rain. BOOOO!

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The results are in, amigo. What’s left to ponder?

Posted by AllieB on January 24, 2011

It’s all happening…!

The rumors have been circulating for years – years! – but the confirmation has finally been confirmed: the sequel to Zoolander will be released in 2012. This is not exactly brand new information, but I am pleased to know that they are making progress. The script is finito and Ben Stiller even shared some basic plot details (credit: NYMag):

“Now the studio has the script and we’re at that point where we’re waiting to see what they want to do. It’s ten years later and most of it is set in Europe. I don’t want to give away too much, but it’s basically Derek and Hansel ten years later – though the last movie ended on a happy note a lot of things have happened in the meantime. Their lives have changed and they’re not really relevant anymore. It’s a new world for them. Will Ferrell is written into the script and he’s expressed interest in doing it. I think Mugatu is an integral part of the Zoolander story, so yes, he features in a big way.”

That really is a cool story, Hansel.*

Girl Talk did not disappoint; it was awesome! We had seats in the balcony – by far the best in the house. Except for the fact that the balcony was moving…a lot…like bouncing up and down. This concerned me a bit, but, upon further examination, I realized that the people below us would actually be much worse-off should the balcony collapse, so it was fine. I also nearly pushed Sister over the railing – ACCIDENTALLY – but that definitely would’ve put a damper on the evening. Sorry, without any irony. I’ve been noticing a flux in thoughts of the macabre ilk, recently…might need to check on that…

BOLO for a balcony!

*Zing.

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