Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Dear Jessica

Posted by AllieB on September 14, 2010

I’m worried about you. I’ve heard that you’re actually quite teeny in person, and I’m sure you are, but most people aren’t seeing you in person – they’re seeing you in US Weekly and People and on Tyler Durden, and these photos – they aren’t good.

Honestly, I’m not sure you even have all that much weight to lose – the problem is more that you insist upon dressing as though you’re actively seeking out ridicule. It seems that, these days, every time you leave the house it’s an egregious fashion fail. You’re cute! You have nice hair! Many people seem to find your ditziness endearing! You once had, like, the best body ever! You can doooooooo this!

Can we not:

Let’s revisit a time when things like this were happening:

a compilation by People from 2007 - these aren't necessarily my favorite looks, but you get the jist

In spite of your bevy of recent blunders, I am nevertheless optimistic. Just get a stylist and go for a couple of 3 mile yogs/week. Not unlike Lindsay Lohan, I think there is hope for you yet. And I’m sorry for comparing you to Lindsay Lohan just now – that may have been a bit harsh.

Your Friend – AllieB

P.S. Also, maybe stop talking about your poor hygiene while you’re on the talk show circuit – you’re not doing yourself any favors.

4 Responses to “Dear Jessica”

  1. char said

    In particular, what’s with the one that caused me to mistake her for a stingray?

  2. AllieB said

    HA! Mom and I were just discussing this – it’s uncanny! Also, unfortunate.

  3. Mom Jeans said

    Preach on, brotha

  4. Mary Catherine said

    Kate saw her yesterday in person, and bc of this post I had to ask what she thought re: her size. She said her arms looked a little big (apparently she is VERY self conscious of her arms) but all in all looked fine…. she had on a ‘slimming black dress.’ Poor girl just buys unfortunate looking, too tight clothes…

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