Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

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Archive for the ‘Really?’ Category

Yesteryear

Posted by AllieB on August 20, 2013

Remember back in the day when I would write 4x/week about all kinds of interesting, newsworthy stuff? Let’s take a page out of that book.

Well, it’s happened. My love for Kate Middleton has soared to heretofore unknown, unreachable heights. What is it about motherhood?? Everything about the first Royal Portrait is so amazing I nearly cried. Look at it: her, the babe, the Prince, her again, the PUP…plus Grandpa Middleton snapped the pic! The general population should just forego their own family portraits moving forward – I’ll be comparing every Christmas card I receive to this, and I don’t think any of you are going to come out with a W. No offense…y’all have some really cute babies and puppies, but this is literally perfect.

I DIEShe could be holding a baby goblin and it wouldn’t matter. I might make this my screensaver.

This week in New York Life: commuting via foot and rail, as is the norm for NYC residents who do not have their own drivers, requires some accommodating. Those snazzy peep-toe pumps are not ideal footwear for navigating the grossness that is the subway and city streets. I’ve actually foregone most all of my pumps since moving here because I can’t handle walking around in that nonsense. Well, correction, I wear them in the workplace, but they stay here. There’s no place for those stompers in my weekend attire. NYMag did a feature on the desk shoes of working women in the city – see here. I’m guessing 98% of you have no interest in the shoes strangers keep at their desks, so I will just share with you my own desk shoes:

desk shoes

I wear the Toms to and fro l’office and today am sporting those monsters second from the right. I took them off for the picture.

This was less interesting than I thought it might be….

Online dating is something I have not yet explored, and I’m sure I will have to at some point, but these ‘shortcuts’ people keep coming up with are insulting. The latest rage in finding your match is a silicon bracelet – like LIVESTRONG or something – which shouts to all that you are SINGLE, thereby making it easier to spot potential soulmates. According to the website, My Single Band is  “…something that identifies your single status whilst at the gym, at a cafe, at the station, at work, an evening out or on holiday.”

20-single-bandsYou can choose one of three words for your personalized look: FATE, FUTURE, or DESTINY. What about BARF?

If you haven’t already seen it, you must rent The Impossible with Naomi Watts and Ewan MacGregor about the 2004 tsunami in southeast Asia. I have been having a real Naomi moment – she is just so talented. Also, when I was traveling in Thailand in 2006, I saw many areas that were still in total ruin because of the tsunami. In fact, it was in Phuket where we happened upon a homemade DVD of the wave coming in over the very hostel in which we were staying. That was weird and eerie…we didn’t linger long in Phuket. Anyway, the movie is excellent, and even Sister enjoyed it which is the only testimony you need. Sister and I don’t usually agree on movies.

The Justin Timberlake + N’Sync reunion has been confirmed for this Sunday at the VMA’s. Caro…take a chill pill.

This was fun, right? As I always say, something > nothing. May all your Tuesdays be not too terribly terrible. I’ll be back on Thursday with pictures of the lobster rolls I’m enjoying tomorrow with Laureo and EmDon.

Posted in Arbitrary, Princess Kate, Really? | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

ALRIGHT.

Posted by AllieB on January 16, 2013

Be advised: if you’re on my List or are at all guilty of irking me, today is not your day.

1. Jessica Simpson was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night. I can’t even…

I am speechless; I am without speech. First, easy on the Botox. Second, it is possible to dress in a flattering, appropriate manner in which you accentuate your best attributes and disguise your flaws. Jessica, who has the demonstrated mental function of a wet mop, has never heard this message from Captain Obvious and chose to wear that instead. Of course she did.

2. I went postal at the Post Office. The Post Office has now trumped SantaCon as my Least Favorite Thing. There was an incident yesterday morning involving myself, two post office workers, a roll of Priority Mail tape, and a roll of Standard Clear Shipping Tape. Long story short: one of the workers repeatedly gave me blatantly wrong, flat-out-erroneous information regarding the kind of tape I needed to use for my shipping needs. This resulted first in confusion, then frustration, and ultimately snowballed into blind, unadulterated RAGE. I honestly think the situation could have escalated to the point of law enforcement intervention, but, as though I were starring in my very own segment from Chicken Soup for the Soul, a good samaritan appeared out of nowhere and shared with me her roll of Clear Shipping Tape. I nearly burst into tears I was so grateful. I then realized that I acted like a total f’ing lunatic may have overreacted a teeny bit, and I apologized to the people with whom I’d had issue…one of them, anyway, the other one got the stink eye she deserved. Having worked in the service industry several times during my adult life,  I know how much people suck and how hard it is to be nice all of the time, and I know that I can air on the side of impatient, but this….this was unfounded.

3. Was The Duchess on glue when she approved her first official portrait? HATES IT. I’m going to chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and let this one slide…hopefully it will find a nice home in the basement. Or maybe in Pippa’s room…muahaha

kate-middleton-portrait

Kate, why are you POSSESSED BY THE DEMONS??

Ok, enough complaining and senseless lambasting – I got it off my chest, and I feel much better… As I mentioned, I joined Equinox (Equinox is a gym) and I’ve been going a lot – I even went on Saturday. To the gym. To a spin class. On a Saturday. In efforts to keep things interesting, I am trying every single one of their class offerings, many of which are brand new information. Case in point: “ViPR” aka “vitality-performance-reconditioning.” Intrigued by this collection of healthy-sounding words, I went to the 6:30 AM class last Wednesday morning….and here’s how that went (cut and pasted directly from The Serve).

So, this morning I went to the most nonsense class ever, I don’t even know how to describe. Apparently it’s not only new to Equinox, it’s new to the United States, so when I was mega-failing (flailing?) that made me feel a little better. There was a really really pretty girl in my class – she looked like Lucy Hale on Pretty Little Liars w the dark hair and thick eyebrows only much prettier. Prettier, taller, skinnier. I’m telling you, this girl had an a** that would NOT quit. She was even coordinated. She did not enhance my fitness experience.

I’m just glad she wasn’t in the locker room the same time I was…could’ve been awkward for everyone.

Anyway, the focus of the class is this very crazy huge, weighted black pipe/tube that you sling around. I am laughing thinking about it. It was really hard. There’s also a step box; I think I did 1,000 squats. At the end, the instructor sought me out and told me I didn’t “totally suck”, which I found encouraging, until I saw him give Lucy Hale’s hotter twin a high five and a, “You go, gurl!”

I won’t be returning.

This was pretty much how it went down

This was pretty much the jist

I know I’m not talking about resolutions, but one of my non-resolutions is to write more in 2k13…quantity>quality??

Posted in Really? | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Bad writing, fine dining, and kids that are rich

Posted by AllieB on August 22, 2012

I posted last week about the UGA student who wrote an allegedly satirical column on how to find that perfect husband in college. A lot of people hadn’t seen it before, and a lot of people had comments – is she serious, is this a joke, please tell me this is not real, etc. Ever the diligent journalist, I delved deeper and tried to ascertain just what exactly the author was trying to achieve. Turns out she wrote a follow-up article entitled, “Writer of ‘How to find perfect husband in college’ reveals true nature of column”, and now I really can’t stand her. She opens with:

To all who do not understand satire…

I quit reading after that, so I guess I’ll never know what she was trying to accomplish, and, frankly, I’m unsure I have the capacity to care less. The last thing a contested writer needs to do is condescend those who deigned to read her material. I’m not a moron, and I, for the most part, tend to catch on pretty quick, and it was in no way clear to me that she was being funny – and that’s me playing real fast and loose with the word “funny.”

Puppy break!

In light of my imminent departure, I’ve made a concerted effort to make the most of Atlanta and all of its delights. Read: I’ve been going out to eat a lot. I’m kind of embarrassed about that “bucket list” I posted several weeks back re: things I wanted to do before I left. Surely I know better than to announce plans of intention on BBT – they so rarely pan out, and then I look like I don’t follow through on stuff. Which, whether or not that’s true, would be a moot issue if I didn’t open my big mouth in the first place. I don’t prefer announcing plans to people – some might argue this would hold you to keeping them, others (moi) might say mind your own beeswax. So, about dining out:

Bistro Niko: Just a really excellent meal of food. I got the steak frites with both the bernaise and the maitre d’hotel butter (obviously) and it was nothing short of decadent. It’s a happening place, Bistro Niko is. Also, when I was younger my barometer of gauging a restaurant’s “cool factor” was the bathroom: the bathrooms at BN are pretty tight. BBT says: I liked it before, but – if I were sticking around – I could see it becoming a real go-to.

The Optimist: I’m sick of talking about The Optimist. It’s great, and if you haven’t been you should go, but can we please stop talking about it.

Big Ketch: I could likely survive a good long while off their hush puppies. I still haven’t had anything else on the menu. Do, however, beware of patrons taking a mid-meal snooze on the patio…this really happened, I snapped the pic myself. Man down; lock it up; where are her friends she’s passed out in her chair.

Grindhouse Killer Burgers: Hell yes. This place rocks – it is currently my favorite of the burger places. I got an Apache Turkey burger (pepper jack cheese, grilled onions, and green chiles), and it was awesome. I might go back again before I go.

Flip Burger: Meh. I’m kind of over Mr. Blais.

All of these places, of course, are listed on the spreadsheet with pertinent info.

Blog of the Week: Rich Kids of Instagram (credit: Lia)

Actual photo caption: Matching… #Ferrari #inmylivingroom #oneofushas2change #hamptons #NBD

 To give you just a little bit of perspective, this is my last Instagram:

 Actual photo caption: My two loves: 32 oz of beverage and a royal compact. Best gift ever @carriewyatt!

Suddenly my two loves seem…inadequate. At least I’m not a total d-nozzle; I, for one, am able to dress myself with the utmost confidence that I will in no way resemble my Ferrari. This guy’s totally bush league.

Hope you’re doing something happy on this happiest of hump days – I intend to.

Posted in Arbitrary, Food & Drink, Imparting Wisdom, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 7 Comments »

My picture is on Perez Hilton

Posted by AllieB on December 16, 2011

I received an email this morning from my friend Pal that included a teeny confession she’d previously neglected to share:

So like a year ago I wrote a half-serious email to Perez Hilton about Allie’s blog and that he should read it and hire her. I was just bored at work. And I included a picture.

Jump ahead 12 months and here we are:

Here, see for yourself.

There are like 97 other pictures of the two of us I would have chosen over this one….but whatevs. That was a great night: Basil’s patio with ABE the V and Paxton…we sure did laugh a lot, and that was the first time I had the life-changing grits AND the first time I tried vinho verde – a very tasty Portuguese varietal that I later wrote about here…but I digress. We actually look pretty normal compared to the other people – the other people who took the time to send Perez a photo professing their undying love and affection. Good grief. I tried to post a comment with a link to BBT, but it hasn’t shown up yet…may as well try to get some new readers out of this HUMILIATION.

Oh, and after their incident in the dressing room at Barney’s Co-op the other weekend, Allison sent Sloane Crosley an FB message, and now they’re writing back and forth. And the mother of the girl who writes Suri’s Burn Book has been reading BBT this week, too. The writer lives in Atlanta, btw – maybe she and I should meet for coffee and talk about the blogosphere? I am whelmed.

Really?? That’s the picture you chose?? REALLY???

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »

Enlighten me.

Posted by AllieB on December 1, 2011

Forget my lame suggestion of ties yesterday, if you’re willing to fork over $750, THIS is what you should buy the guy in your life:

It’s The BEASTIE BOYS! Per NYMag: Packaged in a handsome metal box are three eleven-inch dolls — fully poseable! — each with their own stands, white jumpsuits, goggles, work boots, and safety vests. (Who knew these rebels were OSHA compliant?) Tossed in for good measure is the two-disc deluxe version of their Sounds of Science. Yes, at $750 it’s a bit pricey for a meta-gift, but proceeds from all sales are split between two charities that benefit kids with cancer.

Fully poseable?! Who could pass. You’re welcome.

For this week’s Confounding Conundrum, I share with you the pictorial comparison below. Shown are two women: both are approximately 5’2″ and share the same thick trunk/shoulder/no-neck body type; both are five months pregnant.

And I guess the similarities end there, because evidently Hillary Duff is giving birth to a newborn human, whereas Jessica Simpson is giving birth to Shaq. I do wish that Hillary had on tights or a longer skirt, but for the most she looks pretty great. And it’s not that Jessica looks bad, per se, it’s that she still has FOUR MONTHS TO GO. This begs the question – what on earth is she growing in there?

I am reminded of the classic film, Men in Black. Rookie agent, Will Smith, is new on the job and is innocently helping a woman he believes to be human deliver her child. Everything is going as well as it could be, when BOOM!

Squid baby.

All I’m saying is: if I were Eric What’s-His-Face, I’d stick out the delivery in the waiting room, just to be safe.

Happy Birthday to BOBBY! BBT hearts you. XX

Take it easy and just be breezy. Yours in ridicule,

Baxter Bark Twice

LEST I FORGET: My friend Helen’s biz, H&H Home, will be featured as part of One Kings Lane’s signature Tastemaker Tag Sale series:  One Kings Lane will be offering our vintage and one-of-a-kind items at up to 50% off retail, starting TONIGHT, December 1st at 6:00 PM PST / 9 PM EST. Our Collection includes a curated assortment of newly finished, never-before-seen items hand-selected by H&H Home. To learn more, and preview the collection, visit www.handhhome.com. To join One Kings Lane and shop OUR sale, go to https://www.onekingslane.com/sales/12418 

ALSO: Scout for the Home is open til 8 tonight and will be serving wine. Scout is a great place to buy smaller items for the home/gifts…think mothers, sisters, friends and the like.

Posted in Celebs, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »