Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Advice from Bark Twice

Posted by AllieB on February 24, 2011

For some reason┬ápeople keep asking me to do an advice segment. I’m assuming that’s because I give great advice. Let’s see how it goes.

Dear BBT,

My friends are acting weird. They used to call and email me about meeting up and doing stuff, but now they never contact me and they don’t even respond when I contact THEM! What’s going on? What can I do?

-Am I Loser? (Podunk, USA)

Dear Probably,

They’re cutting you out. There are many reasons as to why this is happening, but it’s probably something you did. I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do except for make new friends – perhaps seek out people in a different part of town, or find some new hobbies. This way, you’ll tap into a whole new segment of the population who has no idea that you’ve been socially ostracized and have no friends. Chin up – you’re not a loser to people who don’t know any better!

Dear BBT,

I have a stalker. It’s not a creepy dude, it’s even worse – it’s a girl who, like, literally wants to be me. What if she goes all Single White Female on me?! I’m terrified. She keeps showing up wherever I am dressed just like me – I think she can see into my bedroom. What do I DOOOO??

-I’m Awesome (Awesomeville, USA)

Dear Are You Sure You’re That Awesome?,

I don’t like your tone. Maybe she’s just insecure and needs a friend – haven’t you ever read Chicken Soup for the Soul? Be nice; I have a feeling you’re one of those people who makes crap up for attention, and I don’t like it.

Dear BBT,

My roommate and I have not been getting along recently. Our power bill was over $300 last month and it’s all because she never turns off the lights and has like 15 lamps in her room (which is really weird in general). Also, she eats my food when she’s drunk, and it seriously pisses me off. Plus, she’s totally batsh*t bonkers and if I tell her I want to move out she’ll slice me in my sleep. How do I get her to want to move away from me so she thinks it’s all her idea?

-I Love My Leftovers (Poundtown, USA)

Dear Me Too,

Fear not! I have some great ideas:

  • Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”
  • Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if she knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
  • Everytime your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, wake her up and say, “it’s time to go to bed now.”

If those don’t work, have her committed.

Hope that helped!!

MPvZB emailed me this earlier, and I was about to ask why she sent it when I realized the question I really should be asking is why WOULDN’T she send it. WWDD?

10 Responses to “Advice from Bark Twice”

  1. A said

    Dear BBT, i feel like you’ve gone a little black swan on us…Regardless, you made me laugh during my hour of “i just slammed into a pile of bricks.” grazie!

  2. HB said

    I think letter #1 is to Allie from Allie with love.

  3. Is...that how you get the summation? said

    My sister thought the words to the Dawson’s Creek theme song were “Holly Ran Away” instead of “I don’t want to wait”.

    Wrong, so wrong.

  4. Pal said

    A I think your potato is in danger of being baked. Don’t mess with BBT.

  5. I said

    Good thing it was “WWDD” not “WWJD”… I don’t think anyone saw Joey’s Mom Jean/scientology thing coming….

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