Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘what would dawson do’

Don’t be such a ninny

Posted by AllieB on May 18, 2011

I’ve been phoning it in all week – time to get back on track. I’ve upset Dawson, and we can’t have that…

Regrettably, I did not make it to the food truck bonanza last night – I went to hot yoga and was rendered noodle, thus physically was unable to attend. I wasn’t quite as devastated as our buddy Dawson there, but I was still distraught to miss…next time.

I feel badly for making a mockery of jumping off Monday into the vast chasm of despair that is Tuesday …because this girl actually did it, and not just metaphorically. Left at the altar by her fiance, Li-Wan was so fraught with misery that she leapt out of a window 80 feet above the ground. In a show of truly remarkable reflexes, Guo Zhongfan, an aid worker, rushed to the window and managed to grab her neck as she went down, catching her in mid-air, effectively pinning her to the building thus allowing for her rescue. I think this story could really unfold nicely – Guo, a heretofore quiet and maybe even lonely gentleman, performs this act of heroism for the forlorn, heartbroken young girl…they find solace in each other’s company, bound forever by this single act, and one day walk down the aisle together, as Mr. and Mrs. Zhongfan…..see, there’s always a silver lining…and this is really insane. Source: NYPost

I will say – after this mental move, the chances of Li-Wan and her fiance reaching any kind of reconciliation are not so hot…I guess that’s something to keep in mind: don’t jump out of a window if you want to mend fences down the road. Noted.

It’s been a slow week. Well, not really, in life it’s been a crazy week but that tends to translate to a BBT snoozefest. An avid reader with a mind for business has an idea, and I think I like it: he suggested that I create some kind of graphic/image, put it on a sticker, and put it in the windows of places where I frequent/have reviewed/approve of.  Zagat has one, Creative Loafing has one, why can’t BBT have one….something like this – the international sign of LIKE.

Dawson was always a real pansy, wasn’t he – a total douche nozzle.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 6 Comments »

Advice from Bark Twice

Posted by AllieB on February 24, 2011

For some reason people keep asking me to do an advice segment. I’m assuming that’s because I give great advice. Let’s see how it goes.

Dear BBT,

My friends are acting weird. They used to call and email me about meeting up and doing stuff, but now they never contact me and they don’t even respond when I contact THEM! What’s going on? What can I do?

-Am I Loser? (Podunk, USA)

Dear Probably,

They’re cutting you out. There are many reasons as to why this is happening, but it’s probably something you did. I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do except for make new friends – perhaps seek out people in a different part of town, or find some new hobbies. This way, you’ll tap into a whole new segment of the population who has no idea that you’ve been socially ostracized and have no friends. Chin up – you’re not a loser to people who don’t know any better!

Dear BBT,

I have a stalker. It’s not a creepy dude, it’s even worse – it’s a girl who, like, literally wants to be me. What if she goes all Single White Female on me?! I’m terrified. She keeps showing up wherever I am dressed just like me – I think she can see into my bedroom. What do I DOOOO??

-I’m Awesome (Awesomeville, USA)

Dear Are You Sure You’re That Awesome?,

I don’t like your tone. Maybe she’s just insecure and needs a friend – haven’t you ever read Chicken Soup for the Soul? Be nice; I have a feeling you’re one of those people who makes crap up for attention, and I don’t like it.

Dear BBT,

My roommate and I have not been getting along recently. Our power bill was over $300 last month and it’s all because she never turns off the lights and has like 15 lamps in her room (which is really weird in general). Also, she eats my food when she’s drunk, and it seriously pisses me off. Plus, she’s totally batsh*t bonkers and if I tell her I want to move out she’ll slice me in my sleep. How do I get her to want to move away from me so she thinks it’s all her idea?

-I Love My Leftovers (Poundtown, USA)

Dear Me Too,

Fear not! I have some great ideas:

  • Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate’s potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, “He just didn’t belong.”
  • Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if she knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
  • Everytime your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, wake her up and say, “it’s time to go to bed now.”

If those don’t work, have her committed.

Hope that helped!!

MPvZB emailed me this earlier, and I was about to ask why she sent it when I realized the question I really should be asking is why WOULDN’T she send it. WWDD?

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , | 10 Comments »