Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘I’m saying this for your own good’

Wake up and smell the gardens

Posted by AllieB on August 6, 2012

I am wary of two things*: outer space and Craigslist. The first makes my head hurt if I think about it for too long, because seriously – how?!, and the second is a well-known haven for predators and freakshows of all kinds, and I’d be just plain foolish to not be on guard. Right now I’m selling my car, and I’m sure to always have someone with me when I meet people, and I also have my uncannily intuitive gut intuition – it’s possible I even have a sixth sense of sorts, so I feel pretty good about spotting the psycho killers right away….anyway, I received this email last week re: purchasing my car.

I have a very nice Rolex submariner cobalt blue dial worth 6200 A emerald diamond 18k gold worth 4000 and a little cash if interested.

Hey, thanks but no thanks. My gut says: SCAM!!! I’m telling you, it’s a sixth sense…

The Olympics are still happening. I haven’t been watching all that much, to be honest, but the daily round-ups by Vanity Fair blogger Michelle Collins supply me with pretty much all the info I need. She’s pretty funny…

“Diving is an insane sport. It’s like watching people repeatedly rehearse their own suicide.”  – BBT says: TRUTH

A waiter claiming to have served 15 top officials of the International Olympic Committee posted a copy of the receipt online, and it’s pretty standard:

You’ve got your exotic fruits, some sorbet (a gentleman always cleanses his palate), and 19,000 pounds’ worth of Hennessy.BBT says: that’s not a bad tip.

In my other Olympics segment today we revisit some of the greatest gems and pearls tweeted by swimmer Ryan Lochte, who has emerged as a very talented athlete with a shockingly low I.Q. and an extreme inability to assemble words together in a remotely sensical manner. I guess he’s spent much of the last two years in a gym/hurling tires/skateboarding, which doesn’t necessarily lend itself to interaction with people on a social level, but…come on, dude. This is some pretty basic stuff.

 “Always reach for the moon cuz if u slip up u will still be a star!!#Jeah

“Rocks, paper, siccor……..”

“Too travel is sometimes better to arrive!”

“Pain is temporarily, but pride last forever”

“Can u catch lightening in a bottle and set the water on fire?”

“Wake up and smell the gardens”

Huh? And from what device is he tweeting that wouldn’t auto correct “siccor”??? The slideshow has 25 tweets, and I honestly wanted to include all 25…but you can check them out for yourself here. They’re all amazing. However, in spite of this…assault on the English language, I gotta say – I wouldn’t kick him out of my lane…if you get my drift.

He reminds me of Forrest Gump.

*I am wary of more than just those two things, but they were the two most relevant what with the Mars landing today and all. A close third would be tornadoes. I leave you with this: a picture of BBT’s favorite Duchess – I swear she’s getting cuter by the day.

Have a great week! Don’t forget to reach for the moon and remember that pain is only temporarily.

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Here’s what’s happening in your world tonight

Posted by AllieB on January 20, 2011

Good afternoon. This weather sucks.

BUT! Treehouse has deigned to join the rest of the free world in the Groupon et al craze, and for only $8 you can get $20 worth of food and/or booze without any restrictions! Click here for the deal; it’s only available until midnight.

Thanks for throwing us a bone, Treehouse. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’ve stopped going in protest against their refusal to offer happy hour specials or Recession-friendly deals, but really – it’s about time. Maybe I should buy a few more…

I’ve grown tired of picking on Boobs Legsly, and Jessica Simpson seems to finally be heeding my advice by going out in public less, so I’ve been forced to find a new target for my celebrity ridicule. Taylor Swift…COME ON DOWN! Newsflash: your relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal was total baloney. Write your little ditty about picking apples in New York and sharing pumpkin spice lattes or whatever you need to do to mourn the loss of your fake – not to mention gay – boyfriend, get your platinum records and Grammy’s and make your millions, but for the LOVE OF GOD leave US Weekly out of it.

What the crap – how are you so boring. Just looking at you makes me want to take a nap. The only thing that could make you more boring would be doing something like not serving alcohol at your 21st birthday and having platters of cookies instead. Oh, wait…..

Girl Talk is tomorrow at the Tabernacle! If you don’t have tickets you’re probably S.O.L. unless you want to fork over $100…fortunately, I do not fall into that category, thanks to Leila, and have been accumulating glow sticks for weeks. I’ve also been preparing for my transition to Dance-Floor Allie by way of nightly stretching and some solo head banging – it’s like I’m the White Swan morphing into the Black…..except not because that would freak everyone out. DANCE PARTY!!!

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