Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘I’m saying this for your own good’

In a perfect world…

Posted by AllieB on July 31, 2014

In a perfect world…

– pizza = kale

– Instagram automatically blocks all uploads with the caption “not bad for a Monday” and people who – in my opinion – post too much are limited to one photo per week. May I suggest Snapchat? Snapchat is a nice, disposable way to overshare. Also, you don’t have to use hashtags… #mostofyoushouldnot

– my Seamless order always comes in 15 minutes, even when the estimated time of arrival says 45-60 minutes

– the cute guy on the subway would not be married/5’4″/have halitosis.

– I would pay $475/month for rent, which is what the students at the University of Georgia (and surrounding community colleges, let’s be honest) moving into this ‘Jersey Shore Goes to Athens’ development are paying. Is this for real?? A LAZY RIVER?!

athens ridge apartments pool

in addition to the lazy river, there is also a 20 ft outdoor tv and 25 person hot-tub. they should prob go ahead and add an on-site physician to treat all those “rashes” and have people sign release forms for the inevitable reality show

– Crimes Against Humanity would be punishable by law. No longer would we have to wait for karma to be the bitch – we could instantly dictate some sort of penalty befitting the nature of the crime. For example, when that jerk stole my cab on 18th and 8th the other night I could sentence him to a month-long inability to flag down any cabs and blackball him from Uber. That’d teach him. In a perfect world you can’t treat people like sh*t and get away with it, and your Crime Against Humanity would be promptly and properly handled. Perhaps one of those rashes going around that cesspool in Athens would make you think twice…

– dishwashers unload themselves

– much like the Red Sea parted for Moses so do the tourists on 42nd Street for me

– the girl in the Wendy’s commercial doesn’t exist. Neither do the Kardashians, Real Housewives, or LeAnn Rimes. Blake Lively isn’t allowed to speak and Channing Tatum is my boyfriend. I really don’t know what is up with my Channing Tatum crush, but it’s proving to stand the test of time/judgement of my peers.

guys, c'mon - how cute is this

guys, c’mon – how cute is this

– four-day work weeks – this could happen, y’all

– I can teleport anywhere I care to go. I could just suddenly appear in your living room or at the bday party or next to you on the beach. I would never miss anyone or anything again. SURPRISE IT’S ME ALLIE!

– happy hour on a boat has the same benefits as a Flywheel class – they are equidistant from my apartment, surely their physical impact should be equal as well?

– I WOULD HAVE SO MANY PUPPIES

PUPPIES

 Summering in Montauk with all of my puppies

Dang…reality bites.

For those of you who read books, I have the following titles teed up on my Kindle – I am too lazy to add summaries, but I did add genre you are welcome:

Big Little Lies by Lianne Moriarty (chick lit)

One Plus One by Jojo Moyes (chick lit)

Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed (memoir – Reese Witherspoon stars in movie coming out in Oct)

Orphan Train by Christina Baker Kline (fiction)

Close Your Eyes, Hold Hands by Chris Bohjalian (fiction)

All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr (historical fiction – WWII)

Flash Boys: A Wall Street Revolt by Michael Lewis (nonfiction)

I Like You Just the Way I Am by Jenny Mollen (memoir – chick lit)

The Heist by Daniel Silva (mystery)

Lastly, I implore you to take a minute and watch this vid – it’s overwhelming to think about all that’s wrong with the world, but it’s also pretty neat to see what a difference you can make on a very small, local level. In a perfect world we would all be so considerate. I really love this – thanks, A.

The End. This weather is redonk – you should all have drinks outside on patios/rooftops this evening, as I intend to. TGIT!

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You’re Doing It Wrong

Posted by AllieB on May 1, 2014

There are a million articles floating around the internet about the do’s and don’ts of social media, but there aren’t any by me, personally, talking about you, specifically, so…here we go.

Instagram:

-For me, the most egregious of all Instaffenses (Instagram + offenses = Instaffenses) is posting several pictures in a row. The one exception is if you’re traveling in some remote place and only have access to Wi-Fi sparingly, but even then I encourage you to exercise some restraint. I promise you’ll get more likes if you post singularly rather than in multiples, and likes, obviously, are the only reason why anyone posts anything. I get really mad when people clog up my feed. What’s that – you just lost a follower? It was me.

-#youcantpunctuatehashtags and only a special few can hashtag emoji…

hashtag wine

-Use your head: the same group of people need not post the same picture on each of their respective accounts at the same time. I can assure you we don’t need to see the Birthday Dinner table shot more than once, and we probably could do w/o it in the first place. Just because it’s not on Instagram doesn’t mean it didn’t happen…

-No, wait: the absolute WORST Instaffense is when people put up a solo picture that someone else took and call it a selfie. NEWSFLASH it is not a SELF-ie if someone else takes it. Then it’s just you “candidly” posing while your poor friend takes a picture over and over til you deem it postable. I don’t mind selfies, and I don’t mind if you have someone take a picture of you, but you cannot call the latter the former. That’s wrong.

-You aren’t fooling anyone with the TBT’s where you’re all “how awkward is this!” when it’s quite clear that you’re actually showing us how cute/talented/tan you were – your humble brag: it is showing. I posted one of these myself the other week, but I balanced out the adorable one (adorable!) with the second (not so much). Plus, I am picking a wedgie in both. No one’s thinking “look at how cute/talented/tan she was!” In fact, they’re probably thinking, “bless her heart” or “Allie…no.” I win!

easter wedgie collage

Do you think #Instaffense is going to start trending?

Facebook:

-I realize this is more of a personal problem, but perhaps you can commiserate: doesn’t it seem that the people you’re actually curious about never post or like anything, and the people about whom you do not care are all up in your face? Why is that? Why?

-I do not appreciate people who post constant reminders that they are on vacation, knowing that I am sitting on the 18th floor of an office building in Midtown Manhattan where yesterday it rained a month’s worth of rain. This applies to both Insta and FB. And Snapchat. Another personal problem, perhaps, but something I’d like everyone to keep in mind.

-These days I use Facebook more for news than personal stuff, and I like it when people post links to articles or things on the internet they like. Assuming you and I have the same interests, I’d be okay with more of that kind of activity.

I don’t think I’m asking for much here – just be less annoying and more smart when it comes to what you do and share.

And now, my life in pictures:

SPRING!! Foliage! Filters!

SPRING!! Foliage! Filters!

you can’t make this up.

you can't make this stuff up.

*and that’s a grande nonfat Chai Latte – don’t act like you weren’t wondering.

well, this is upsetting. also, wrong.

upsetting. also, wrong.

how to dress in NYC when it just rained for 2 days and is 700% humidity #elevatordoorselfie

photo 2

should I start a fashion blog..?

I apologize for the extended absence, but I’ve been busy working, playing, and I just wrapped up my Spring Wedding Tour 2k14. Congrats to two of the best and your respective marriages, ABE V and Pal – two great people, two great weddings.

Hey, have y’all been to Bermuda? I’d like to go, maybe in July…I’ll keep you posted.

Today is the first of May (insert Justin Timberlake “It’s gonna be May” picture here) which means I am half-dead due to allergies. I sound like a sick frog and my eyes are red and swollen in the manner of someone who is high on pot. It’s hotness all around here on the 18th floor in Midtown Manhattan – total hotness. TGIT! (?)

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Top 10 Reasons Why You’re Still Single

Posted by AllieB on March 27, 2014

I’m not going to sugarcoat it.

10. I can smell your Eau de Desperate musk from here. We all can.

9. You UGLY. Just kidding.

8. LET IT GO. Stuff happens, and it’s a fact of life that the older you get the more baggage you’ll be toting around, but maybe you should assess how you’re handling said bags…are you the person trying to stuff your full size rollerboard, 50 lb duffle, overcoat, and laptop case in the overhead compartment? No one likes you. Here’s an idea: how about checking the big, bulky ones? You’re not trying to hide the extra luggage, you’re just stowing it someplace more convenient and out of the way…bonus: people like me won’t kick you in the shins as we finally pass by your seat after watching you wrassle with your crap for 30 minutes.

Emotional baggage -> literal baggage

7. Your horizons: they are too narrow. Eschew all you think to be true about your “type.” Chemistry is a tricky, unpredictable thing, and who knows who or what might strike your fancy. I’m not saying lower your standards; I’m simply suggesting that maybe your white knight rides a black horse.

6. The idea of your sacred alone time becoming shared time with another human is unsettling.

5. You’re not even trying. If you’re not meeting new people – be it at a bar, volunteering, a concert, whatever – then you really might die alone. There is also online dating and speed dating, and, once you have a target in mind, casual stalking & choreographing “accidental” run-ins. In the words of someone annoying, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

4. You have a blog. Two words: Flat Face

3. You’re too social. You’re a recluse. You drink too much. You’re uptight. You’re a slob. You’re OCD. You’re too aggressive. You don’t take initiative. You’re not motivated. You’re always at the office. Your Flywheel classes are making you poor. Why are you so fat.

Huh? I’ll explain: it seems you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, so might as well go ahead and fly that freak flag at full mast. We all deserve to have someone look meaningfully into our eyes and say: “I like you very much. Just as you are.”

2. You took this quiz on Buzzfeed, How Single Are You?, and got “Destined to be Single.” Oh.

…and the #1 reason why you’re still single…

Well, I don’t actually know. But this could have something to do with it:

everything happens for a reason(Source)

Conversely, it could just as easily explain why you’re not single…

TGIT! I hope you’re enjoying this lovely Sprinter – or Wing, if you’d prefer. I have a nonnegotiable “No Tights” policy that kicks in April 1, so YO, Mother Nature: let’s wrap it up.

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Anything you can do, I can do almost or equally as well

Posted by AllieB on October 3, 2013

I’ve mastered the subways; I emerge from underground and know instinctively which way is N/S/E/W; you should see me weave thru the herds of cattle throngs of people on the sidewalk; I stuck out my tongue at a cab driver last week when he violated my right of way – let’s face it, y’all, I’m a New Yawker.

alexandra

a saavy city girl from the very beginning. that’s right – GIRL

While I think we can all agree these are noteworthy accomplishments, I’ve still yet to conquer my Everest: mastering the art/science/I think it might be magic of making dinner reservations. I spent a good chunk of time this week trying to find two restaurants that will impress my high-brow foodie friends, A and K, when they come to visit, and I’m getting the proverbial talk-to-the-hand at every place I’ve tried. I mean, this is like a month in advance! Evidently no one A) knows who I am or B) is aware that I manage a very dated and irrelevant restaurant guide to Atlanta. K&A, how do you feel about dining at 5:30? Actually, wait: who needs restaurants – we’re all talented chefs, why don’t we just cook our own meals!?! And let’s be sure not to have any wine at all.

what would happen if we did either of those things

what would happen if we did either of those things

Obviously, none of us would ever find ourselves in this sort of situation, and I want to be very clear that I am NOT condoning such behavior, but when I saw this I thought I’d better share: The Rules for Calling in Sick When You’re Actually Hungover. Upon completion I found myself wanting to seek out Captain Obvious so I could thank him for sharing such brand new information, but who am I to judge – let’s see what I’ve got:

1. Mind over matter. I am a strong believer in this: stop wallowing and get over it. I am lucky not to get the voms when I am overserved, so I’m sure this is easier said than done…but most of the time I feel like people are just being big babies.

2. Water: it’s not a myth. Water before, during, and after your ill-advised outing will help tremendously. And cold Vitamin Water Zero in the morning is like nectar of the gods.

3. A lot of people say exercise. Me, not so much

4. Oh. I was supposed write a list about how to call in sick when you’re hungover. I don’t really have any tips on that for I hath ne’er done such a thing.

5. Cpt Obvs: 1, BBT: 0

But seriously: drink water.

Ok, this is weird, right? Mediocre-hurdler-turned-bobsledding-hopeful, Lolo Jones, is trying to gain 60 lbs to make “bobsled weight.” Her daily diet includes two 1,365 protein shakes and FOUR double bacon cheeseburgers from McDonald’s. This approach seems flawed. She is literally going to turn into a double bacon cheeseburger…literally. Ehhh, Lolo makes me uncomf – she seems like she’s kind of nuts, if not a little bit delusional:

“My abs are still there,” she said. “I’m still cut, just super solid.”

Yeah, a super solid double bacon cheeseburger…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, G FORCE!!!!! Remember that time we went to Pakistan? Such adventures we’ve had…I love you!!

incognito in Lahore

incognito in Lahore. also, barefoot. ew

TGIT! Feels good to be back on sched…truthfully, I’ve had a whole week of Thursdays, but I’m glad everyone else is now on my same page.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Truth Day

Posted by AllieB on August 15, 2013

And by truth day I mean…a day of truths.

1. I like Perrier, but I love Pellegrino

2. If there’s one thing I really miss about Atlanta it is the ubiquitous, well-priced, spacious delight of a grocery store that is Publix. It irks me that grocery stores up here can’t sell wine – I’m not sure what BS law mandates that; I think it’s just because there isn’t enough room. I also really miss the Publix sub sammies; this was a heretofore containable yearning that has blossomed into an insatiable craving thanks to this link MC sent me. The key, y’all, is to ask them to scoop the bread and add fresh jalapenos to everything.

If you’ve never experienced the glory of a Pub Sub, you’re probably wondering what’s soooooo great.

Publix Subs Are The Most Delicious Thing To Ever Happen On Earth

two points for the Leo GIF. You come here to me, Leo

3. When people try my patience I count to ten and employ breathing exercises I learned in that yoga class I took once. Namaste.

4. I saw this on Pinterest ages ago, and it’s really stuck with me. That Pinterest – so wise.

wise words

truth bomb.

5. I don’t drink coffee, I drink Earl Grey tea with almond milk. 3-4 cups in the morning, 1 in the afternoon. And now you know so you can quit wondering

6. My new running shoes are from the men’s department – NOT because of size…because of color.

7. Why is it that people with brand new puppies do not post nearly enough pictures, yet people with new babies…all the damn time.

8. I used to smoke a LOT of cigarettes. It was a filthy habit and one I 100% shut down literally the day I arrived in NYC.

9. I’m alarmingly bad at math. I didn’t know how to do 20% of a number until like six months ago. People always told me the trick of moving the decimal to the left and multiplying by two, but I thought it was it myth. It is not.

10. For the love of Roy G Biv, slow your roll on filters. I don’t not use them, but – as with everything in life – moderation is key. Taking innocuous scenery shots and using 12 CameraPlus filters is cheating, and then it usually goes from bad to worse with hashtag drivel like, #nottooshabbyforaMonday – it’s annoying as eff. Here, por ejemplo:

before and after

A totally meh scene made post-worthy by aggressive enhancement. #waitthatiscool #maybeIshouldputitonInsta

11. That empty subway car is empty for a reason

12. BBT turned three in July. This means to say: if BBT were a dog, BBT could get wasted legally. In toto, BBT has 341 published posts – 3/4 of them are about weather, 2/3 mention Kate Middleton, 1/2 discuss my love of reading, 1/3 tell that story about the woman dying next to me on an airplane…I’m lucky anyone reads this thing.

13. Once you’re in the trust tree, you’re there for.ev.er

14. I really like my job. Even without Bagel Fridays I genuinely look forward to coming to work. And, just when I thought things couldn’t get any better, my most favorite friend El works here now, too!!! I’m on the 10th floor and she’s on the 11th, which is good because there needn’t be too much togetherness, but it’s fun to know she’s here and is available for afternoon strolls and/or AWD’s.

2000 lax cats

We go waaay back: 2000 Lax Cats. We’re in there somewhere

15. Back to Leo, please enjoy this GIF history of Leo DiCaprio raising glasses. Will someone give the man an Oscar already!? I’m going to watch Blood Diamond this weekend. Maybe also Romeo + Juliet.

16. My kid’s gonna be the one with the pony. My kid might also be the one without shoes…

17. Allow me to reiterate my suggestion of Orange is the New Black. My enthusiasm has increased tenfold in the last week and you should all tune in. No flakiness – it has my official stamp of approval. Boom. Sidebar: did you know that I am a notary for the State of New York? It’s like I literally have a stamp of approval.

18. Y’all know how much I love horoscopes – NYMag now does a weekly roundup using, yep, GIFs (scroll down for the good stuff). Here is mine for this week:

GEMINI: Go off by yourself and spend time in contemplation or meditation. At this time of year, psychological self-evaluation can be of enormous help in your personal growth.

Ha. Haha. Well played.

19. This seems like a good stopping place.

And a very happy Thursday to you and yours!

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 7 Comments »