Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘touché’

Top 10 Reasons Why You’re Still Single

Posted by AllieB on March 27, 2014

I’m not going to sugarcoat it.

10. I can smell your Eau de Desperate musk from here. We all can.

9. You UGLY. Just kidding.

8. LET IT GO. Stuff happens, and it’s a fact of life that the older you get the more baggage you’ll be toting around, but maybe you should assess how you’re handling said bags…are you the person trying to stuff your full size rollerboard, 50 lb duffle, overcoat, and laptop case in the overhead compartment? No one likes you. Here’s an idea: how about checking the big, bulky ones? You’re not trying to hide the extra luggage, you’re just stowing it someplace more convenient and out of the way…bonus: people like me won’t kick you in the shins as we finally pass by your seat after watching you wrassle with your crap for 30 minutes.

Emotional baggage -> literal baggage

7. Your horizons: they are too narrow. Eschew all you think to be true about your “type.” Chemistry is a tricky, unpredictable thing, and who knows who or what might strike your fancy. I’m not saying lower your standards; I’m simply suggesting that maybe your white knight rides a black horse.

6. The idea of your sacred alone time becoming shared time with another human is unsettling.

5. You’re not even trying. If you’re not meeting new people – be it at a bar, volunteering, a concert, whatever – then you really might die alone. There is also online dating and speed dating, and, once you have a target in mind, casual stalking & choreographing “accidental” run-ins. In the words of someone annoying, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

4. You have a blog. Two words: Flat Face

3. You’re too social. You’re a recluse. You drink too much. You’re uptight. You’re a slob. You’re OCD. You’re too aggressive. You don’t take initiative. You’re not motivated. You’re always at the office. Your Flywheel classes are making you poor. Why are you so fat.

Huh? I’ll explain: it seems you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, so might as well go ahead and fly that freak flag at full mast. We all deserve to have someone look meaningfully into our eyes and say: “I like you very much. Just as you are.”

2. You took this quiz on Buzzfeed, How Single Are You?, and got “Destined to be Single.” Oh.

…and the #1 reason why you’re still single…

Well, I don’t actually know. But this could have something to do with it:

everything happens for a reason(Source)

Conversely, it could just as easily explain why you’re not single…

TGIT! I hope you’re enjoying this lovely Sprinter – or Wing, if you’d prefer. I have a nonnegotiable “No Tights” policy that kicks in April 1, so YO, Mother Nature: let’s wrap it up.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Glamour Shots of the Mug Variety

Posted by AllieB on August 30, 2010

Welp, Paris Hilton got busted for possession of cocaine. According to various sources, it was not hers and the only reason it was on her person is because she borrowed her friend’s clutch because it went better with her outfit than the one she had. Oh, ok.

Seriously, whatever – celeb arrests are hardly headline-worthy, and, with this being Paris’s second drug bust THIS SUMMER (her friend wound up pleading guilty to the charges and Paris was off the hook-hmm, a pattern?), I’m kind of like, BFD, ya know?

What is worthy of comment, however, is how good Paris manages to look in her mug shots – all three of them! If you’re gonna end up in the slamma, I guess this is the way to go.

2006 - DUI; 2007 - turning self into jail to serve time for DUI; 2010 - cocaine possession

Some people are not so lucky. Mischa never looks good,  so it’s hardly shocking that’d she’d look sallow and greasy in a mug shot. I’m not sure what Jason Wahler did this time (he’s been arrested on seven different occasions – like, really?), but they might wanna go ahead and book him for mass murder, as I’m pretty sure this is what mass murderers look like.

They actually look like they belong in jail.

Posted in Celebs, Really? | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »