Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

If you have to ask, the answer is no

Posted by AllieB on January 5, 2012

Oh, look – it’s Jessica Simpson. My biggest concern, I think, is that she’s so top-heavy she’s going to topple over. To quote a wise acquaintance, she looks like a kite – a very large, incapable of ever possibly taking flight kite. WHY DOES SHE REFUSE TO HIRE A STYLIST.

Gracias, Y Kenna.

J Simps is a great segue to my next subject – you know she sends some seriously manic texts: “I’M OUT OF CHOCOLATE OH WAIT I JUST FOUND SOME CRUMBS IN MY CIRCLE SCARF PLEASE BRING ME SOME CHEETOS WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU?!” … or something like that. Please refer to the flow chart below. ErinD sent it to me, and I got a kick out of it largely because I have a history of sending the most redonkulous texts ever. I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I should compile a coffee table book or similar. (It should be noted that people on the receiving end of these messages have never made such a suggestion.) Back in the day, I could have had my very own thumbnail on Texts From Last Night. Luckily, I’m totally in control of the disorder nowadays – much to the relief of everyone in my phone book.

Even if I’d had access to this during my texting heyday, I’m not sure it would have helped – namely because I can’t read from right to left or down to up, but also because it’s completely extraneous. Allow me (this is my maiden flow chart, so bear with me):

Personally, I think my guide proffers a much simpler solution to all texting malfeasances. And it would behoove me to take my own advice….wisdom: imparted.


9 Responses to “If you have to ask, the answer is no”

  1. hb said


  2. Tina said

    Simple and true.

  3. Stingray City said

    An attraction in the Cayman Islands. Also, Jessica Simpson.

  4. Bradley said

    Maybe its a random coincidence, but every time i have visited your blog, we have discussed or pondered J Simps. For what its worth, she has great hair, right?

    • AllieB said

      it’s not a random coincidence. and you’re right, she does have great hair – there’s always a silver lining. perhaps you should visit my blog more often….

  5. K said


  6. […] I appreciate what this flowchart (I LOVE FLOWCHARTS) is trying to do, it has one fatally egregious error that I cannot get past. See if you can spot it […]

  7. […] does» Chicken wings and truth bombs: because that’s what BBT does Baxter Bark Twice on If you have to ask, the answer is noLK on I love Tom Brady and puppies a normal amountAllieB on A day late and a dollar […]

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