Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘hump day happenings’

Back to my roots

Posted by AllieB on May 11, 2011

I felt a bit exposed yesterday with all that talk about…you know…so today I revisit one of the founding fathers of BBT, a key component of its basic principles: celebrity fails.

Tara Reid…come on down!!!

The UK news source, Mail Online, reported:

According to an eyewitness at the Oasis Beach Club in India, Alkif., on April 14, Tara, 35, was having a ball when one of her front teeth popped out. Instead of calling it a night, “Tara got on her hands and knees and searched the floor,” says the witness, “and when she found it, she pulled out some glue, glued it back in and just continued partying!”

You know it’s time to call it a night when…your tooth falls out on the dance floor, and, upon finding it, you don’t even go brush it in the Ladies’ Room but instead whip out your handy tooth glue, smear some on, pop the thing back in, and keep dancing. I am not an overly anal person when it comes to the Five Second Rule and have been known to take sips of stranger’s drinks (and then meet said person later and say, “nice to meet you, we’ve swapped saliva” – why do I do that to myself.), but this…this is not okay.

She looks like a hot steaming mess of hotmess.

This will unlikely intrigue my male readers, but whatevs – can’t win ’em all. Go look at Boobs Legsly or something…anyway, my favorite blog about random crap that I never see anyplace else on the internet, The Hairpin, has recently revealed What Your American Girl Doll Says About the Rest of Your Life. I, of course, had Samantha, like anyone who is anyone did. My personality profile is, therefore:

Did you know, when you picked her out, that Samantha was the cool one? Duh. . . every girl wanted a Samantha. If you owned her, you quickly learned the value of cachet.

By virtue of acquiring a status symbol early on (a Samantha doll was the designer jeans of third grade), you never quite had to worry about things the way other girls did. You therefore grew up to be confidant, capable, and nonplussed. You’ve always been well liked. You aren’t the funniest in your group, but you’ve never really noticed or cared. It’s true, I’m very breezy. If you thought about it, you could probably recognize other women who had Samanthas. But that’s not that impressive: everybody can.

The link above details the rest of them, but, as a Samantha-owner, I don’t particularly care to share them – do that on your own time. I will say: I’m impressed.

Speaking of my roots, JBax aka Baxter Bark Thrice, graduated this past weekend. The 12 lbs of rope she has slung around her neck are indicative of the minimal effort and lack of involvement she maintained during her college days, and she was also definitely not elected Homecoming Queen. <sense the tone>

The ropes = awards and honors, in case you didn’t pick up on what I was putting down. I’m so proud :)

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Raising the Bar

Posted by AllieB on April 27, 2011

Meet Barmy. Barmy has a teeth tat of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

British plumber Barmy Baz Franks, 29, got a dentist to use ultra-fine brushes and stencils to paint images of the smiling royals.

Barmy, this is not the best example of you making good life-choices, particularly since it cost $1,650 of YOUR OWN MONEY. These drawings are called “gnasher tats” and they’ll last for three months. That’s two months, 30 days, and 23 hours too long.

Speaking of jacked-up grilles, I share with you today’s word of the day:

Wonky: askew or messed up

She’s got that wonky tooth that needs some dental attention – it might be rotting.

Yeah, I saw him last night – he had to leave early, his eyes went wonky before 10.

I just like saying it, plus – and you know how I feel about alliterations – I can say it with Wednesday. Like ‘Wacky’ except for Wonky: it’s Wonky Wednesday.

My parents made me do my very own Easter egg hunt on Sunday, thereby acquainting me with a whole new level of self-mortification. I guess there were perks: I found $20 (FACE, Jordan), and I was thrilled to get the silk scarf I picked out in Pakistan and the beautimous earrings they brought me from Paris…but, still. Anyway, back to wonky: it pains me to say this because she is the most best dog in the whole world, but Missy Baxter just does not photograph well.

My EYES…!!! MY EYES!!!

(photo by Mr. Baxter – in his defense, I think Missy’s peepers skewed the light for the whole shot)

Based on other people I’ve talked to, I’m all alone with this, but you should probably pay attention anyway because I tend to be on the cutting edge of most things. Happy Endings, the new show that comes on at 10 on Wednesdays on ABC, is hilarious. Watch it, record it, whatever – give it a chance. Is it the next Friends? No. (Friends is irreplaceable.) Did I laugh out loud when I watched it, both after wine and again a few days later without wine? Yes, I did.

Joey: All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best Abbey I’ve ever seen.What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?

Chandler: I think it’s great. It’s great. Y’know, they’re thinking of changing the name of this place.

Joey: Really? To what?

Chandler: To Put the Camera Away!!!

Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby.

-The One with Ross’s Wedding

Posted in Arbitrary, Princess Kate | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »