Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘gross’

You’re Doing It Wrong

Posted by AllieB on May 1, 2014

There are a million articles floating around the internet about the do’s and don’ts of social media, but there aren’t any by me, personally, talking about you, specifically, so…here we go.


-For me, the most egregious of all Instaffenses (Instagram + offenses = Instaffenses) is posting several pictures in a row. The one exception is if you’re traveling in some remote place and only have access to Wi-Fi sparingly, but even then I encourage you to exercise some restraint. I promise you’ll get more likes if you post singularly rather than in multiples, and likes, obviously, are the only reason why anyone posts anything. I get really mad when people clog up my feed. What’s that – you just lost a follower? It was me.

-#youcantpunctuatehashtags and only a special few can hashtag emoji…

hashtag wine

-Use your head: the same group of people need not post the same picture on each of their respective accounts at the same time. I can assure you we don’t need to see the Birthday Dinner table shot more than once, and we probably could do w/o it in the first place. Just because it’s not on Instagram doesn’t mean it didn’t happen…

-No, wait: the absolute WORST Instaffense is when people put up a solo picture that someone else took and call it a selfie. NEWSFLASH it is not a SELF-ie if someone else takes it. Then it’s just you “candidly” posing while your poor friend takes a picture over and over til you deem it postable. I don’t mind selfies, and I don’t mind if you have someone take a picture of you, but you cannot call the latter the former. That’s wrong.

-You aren’t fooling anyone with the TBT’s where you’re all “how awkward is this!” when it’s quite clear that you’re actually showing us how cute/talented/tan you were – your humble brag: it is showing. I posted one of these myself the other week, but I balanced out the adorable one (adorable!) with the second (not so much). Plus, I am picking a wedgie in both. No one’s thinking “look at how cute/talented/tan she was!” In fact, they’re probably thinking, “bless her heart” or “Allie…no.” I win!

easter wedgie collage

Do you think #Instaffense is going to start trending?


-I realize this is more of a personal problem, but perhaps you can commiserate: doesn’t it seem that the people you’re actually curious about never post or like anything, and the people about whom you do not care are all up in your face? Why is that? Why?

-I do not appreciate people who post constant reminders that they are on vacation, knowing that I am sitting on the 18th floor of an office building in Midtown Manhattan where yesterday it rained a month’s worth of rain. This applies to both Insta and FB. And Snapchat. Another personal problem, perhaps, but something I’d like everyone to keep in mind.

-These days I use Facebook more for news than personal stuff, and I like it when people post links to articles or things on the internet they like. Assuming you and I have the same interests, I’d be okay with more of that kind of activity.

I don’t think I’m asking for much here – just be less annoying and more smart when it comes to what you do and share.

And now, my life in pictures:

SPRING!! Foliage! Filters!

SPRING!! Foliage! Filters!

you can’t make this up.

you can't make this stuff up.

*and that’s a grande nonfat Chai Latte – don’t act like you weren’t wondering.

well, this is upsetting. also, wrong.

upsetting. also, wrong.

how to dress in NYC when it just rained for 2 days and is 700% humidity #elevatordoorselfie

photo 2

should I start a fashion blog..?

I apologize for the extended absence, but I’ve been busy working, playing, and I just wrapped up my Spring Wedding Tour 2k14. Congrats to two of the best and your respective marriages, ABE V and Pal – two great people, two great weddings.

Hey, have y’all been to Bermuda? I’d like to go, maybe in July…I’ll keep you posted.

Today is the first of May (insert Justin Timberlake “It’s gonna be May” picture here) which means I am half-dead due to allergies. I sound like a sick frog and my eyes are red and swollen in the manner of someone who is high on pot. It’s hotness all around here on the 18th floor in Midtown Manhattan – total hotness. TGIT! (?)

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »


Posted by AllieB on January 16, 2013

Be advised: if you’re on my List or are at all guilty of irking me, today is not your day.

1. Jessica Simpson was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night. I can’t even…

I am speechless; I am without speech. First, easy on the Botox. Second, it is possible to dress in a flattering, appropriate manner in which you accentuate your best attributes and disguise your flaws. Jessica, who has the demonstrated mental function of a wet mop, has never heard this message from Captain Obvious and chose to wear that instead. Of course she did.

2. I went postal at the Post Office. The Post Office has now trumped SantaCon as my Least Favorite Thing. There was an incident yesterday morning involving myself, two post office workers, a roll of Priority Mail tape, and a roll of Standard Clear Shipping Tape. Long story short: one of the workers repeatedly gave me blatantly wrong, flat-out-erroneous information regarding the kind of tape I needed to use for my shipping needs. This resulted first in confusion, then frustration, and ultimately snowballed into blind, unadulterated RAGE. I honestly think the situation could have escalated to the point of law enforcement intervention, but, as though I were starring in my very own segment from Chicken Soup for the Soul, a good samaritan appeared out of nowhere and shared with me her roll of Clear Shipping Tape. I nearly burst into tears I was so grateful. I then realized that I acted like a total f’ing lunatic may have overreacted a teeny bit, and I apologized to the people with whom I’d had issue…one of them, anyway, the other one got the stink eye she deserved. Having worked in the service industry several times during my adult life,  I know how much people suck and how hard it is to be nice all of the time, and I know that I can air on the side of impatient, but this….this was unfounded.

3. Was The Duchess on glue when she approved her first official portrait? HATES IT. I’m going to chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and let this one slide…hopefully it will find a nice home in the basement. Or maybe in Pippa’s room…muahaha


Kate, why are you POSSESSED BY THE DEMONS??

Ok, enough complaining and senseless lambasting – I got it off my chest, and I feel much better… As I mentioned, I joined Equinox (Equinox is a gym) and I’ve been going a lot – I even went on Saturday. To the gym. To a spin class. On a Saturday. In efforts to keep things interesting, I am trying every single one of their class offerings, many of which are brand new information. Case in point: “ViPR” aka “vitality-performance-reconditioning.” Intrigued by this collection of healthy-sounding words, I went to the 6:30 AM class last Wednesday morning….and here’s how that went (cut and pasted directly from The Serve).

So, this morning I went to the most nonsense class ever, I don’t even know how to describe. Apparently it’s not only new to Equinox, it’s new to the United States, so when I was mega-failing (flailing?) that made me feel a little better. There was a really really pretty girl in my class – she looked like Lucy Hale on Pretty Little Liars w the dark hair and thick eyebrows only much prettier. Prettier, taller, skinnier. I’m telling you, this girl had an a** that would NOT quit. She was even coordinated. She did not enhance my fitness experience.

I’m just glad she wasn’t in the locker room the same time I was…could’ve been awkward for everyone.

Anyway, the focus of the class is this very crazy huge, weighted black pipe/tube that you sling around. I am laughing thinking about it. It was really hard. There’s also a step box; I think I did 1,000 squats. At the end, the instructor sought me out and told me I didn’t “totally suck”, which I found encouraging, until I saw him give Lucy Hale’s hotter twin a high five and a, “You go, gurl!”

I won’t be returning.

This was pretty much how it went down

This was pretty much the jist

I know I’m not talking about resolutions, but one of my non-resolutions is to write more in 2k13…quantity>quality??

Posted in Really? | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

On notice: Nancy Grace. Not on notice: PUPPIES!

Posted by AllieB on June 7, 2011

It’s cool to be in the know about current events, and as a purveyor of coolness I bring you a very special BBT: guest author and the newly named Crime Correspondent, Leila Ann. Nancy Grace, you better watch it because Leila Ann is coming for you/your job/your coiffure.

I watch the Today Show religiously and am really good at reading article headlines, so I have a general idea about a lot of things, but Leila…she takes it like 988 steps further, especially re: heinous acts of crime and those who commit them. This Casey Anthony trial is completely out of control, IMO. Leila Ann, evidently, thinks so as well. Even if you don’t know anything about the case in question, you should read this because it is hilar (NOT the subject matter – the verbiage):

On day 1 Casey’s defense lawyer,  Jose Baez attempted (to NO avail, IMO) to claim that Casey did NOT kill Caylee but that Caylee drowned in the family pool and that George Anthony (Caylee’s grandfather) helped dispose of the body.  The defense also claims that George molested Casey as a child leaving her emotionally scarred, thus the reasoning behind Casey not telling a SINGLE person for ONE month that her daughter was missing.

Here are my thoughts regarding Casey’s epic failure in selecting an adequate defense:

  1. Jose Baez received his degree to practice law from Strayer University
  2. I’m more apt to believe a mass email that upon forwarding to 10 friends within 1 minute, I will receive success, love, money and a unicorn.
  3. Early childhood molestation cannot be physically proven years after the fact…the only possible evidence would be for Casey to take the stand (if this does happen, you can find me at the Orlando Court House battling it out for one of the 60 seats available for public viewers).  Looking at Casey’s track record it’s clearly evident she is a compulsive liar, so yes, PLEASE put Casey on the stand.
  4. Lastly, by introducing such an outlandish theory the defense is going to have one helluva time proving their case.  Despite some holes in the prosecutors case, the defense could have potentially used the “accidental death” cover-up. However, Baez (evidently, fresh off an acid-trip) went WAY too far with his convoluted theory and has almost ZERO evidential proof.

If you’ve turned the news on at any point in the last 3 weeks, your probably aware that a lot more has taken place. If you’d like to know more, all you have to do is ask…I can go on for days.  If I ever was elected to Congress and needed to filibuster, this would be my topic.

So, there you have it. We can now all watch with breath that is baited for how this pans out. Thank you, Leila, your wisdom and insight is always appreciated, especially in arenas about which I know so little. I’m happy to bring on other correspondents…MP – if you’d like to write about the wonder that are the fried goat cheese balls at Ecco, that might be acceptable. Variety, as they say, is the spice of life…and BBT is nothing if not muy caliente.

I’ve been setting up my home office the past few days, and it’s coming along nicely. Upon learning that Comcast couldn’t come hook up my internet until Thursday of this week and would charge me an extra 10 bones to do so, I decided to pick up the materials from the Comcast Office off Chamblee Tucker and install it myself. Allie, no. Between the time spent driving out to Chamblee, the waiting in line, the insufficient items provided, my two trips to Best Buy and the 17 mins on the phone with Customer Service, I’m thinking I should have just left it to the professionals….although a professional could not give me this self-satisfied sense of ownership I feel when I look at the blinking lights of my router – you can’t put a price on that. I’ve rearranged my furniture like five times and I’ve yet to figure out a pleasing layout…I have a date with IKEA this week. That, surely, will go well.


  • Tuesday 6/7: Howell Mill Food Park hosts a myriad selection of food trucks, including TEX’S TACOS (here’s this week’s truck schedule), amongst others…
  • ADOPT A PUPPY!!! These three SO-ADORABLE-I-want-to-SQUEEEEEZE-THEM black lab puppies are in a foster home for now, but they need permanent homes…..this is through Atlanta Lab Rescue, and I’m being totally serious: be a hero and go adopt a puppy.

Posted in Imparting Wisdom, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Back to my roots

Posted by AllieB on May 11, 2011

I felt a bit exposed yesterday with all that talk about…you know…so today I revisit one of the founding fathers of BBT, a key component of its basic principles: celebrity fails.

Tara Reid…come on down!!!

The UK news source, Mail Online, reported:

According to an eyewitness at the Oasis Beach Club in India, Alkif., on April 14, Tara, 35, was having a ball when one of her front teeth popped out. Instead of calling it a night, “Tara got on her hands and knees and searched the floor,” says the witness, “and when she found it, she pulled out some glue, glued it back in and just continued partying!”

You know it’s time to call it a night when…your tooth falls out on the dance floor, and, upon finding it, you don’t even go brush it in the Ladies’ Room but instead whip out your handy tooth glue, smear some on, pop the thing back in, and keep dancing. I am not an overly anal person when it comes to the Five Second Rule and have been known to take sips of stranger’s drinks (and then meet said person later and say, “nice to meet you, we’ve swapped saliva” – why do I do that to myself.), but this…this is not okay.

She looks like a hot steaming mess of hotmess.

This will unlikely intrigue my male readers, but whatevs – can’t win ’em all. Go look at Boobs Legsly or something…anyway, my favorite blog about random crap that I never see anyplace else on the internet, The Hairpin, has recently revealed What Your American Girl Doll Says About the Rest of Your Life. I, of course, had Samantha, like anyone who is anyone did. My personality profile is, therefore:

Did you know, when you picked her out, that Samantha was the cool one? Duh. . . every girl wanted a Samantha. If you owned her, you quickly learned the value of cachet.

By virtue of acquiring a status symbol early on (a Samantha doll was the designer jeans of third grade), you never quite had to worry about things the way other girls did. You therefore grew up to be confidant, capable, and nonplussed. You’ve always been well liked. You aren’t the funniest in your group, but you’ve never really noticed or cared. It’s true, I’m very breezy. If you thought about it, you could probably recognize other women who had Samanthas. But that’s not that impressive: everybody can.

The link above details the rest of them, but, as a Samantha-owner, I don’t particularly care to share them – do that on your own time. I will say: I’m impressed.

Speaking of my roots, JBax aka Baxter Bark Thrice, graduated this past weekend. The 12 lbs of rope she has slung around her neck are indicative of the minimal effort and lack of involvement she maintained during her college days, and she was also definitely not elected Homecoming Queen. <sense the tone>

The ropes = awards and honors, in case you didn’t pick up on what I was putting down. I’m so proud :)

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , , , | 5 Comments »