Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘Allie-No’

2013 -> No Más

Posted by AllieB on December 19, 2013

2013 was the year of – what: it was the year of twerking, Snapchat, Kanye, Netflix, and my 30th birthday. It was a lousy year for the cruise industry (CARNIVAL), but SNL has been pretty funny. As I do every year, I marvel at how quickly it’s gone by…luckily, the month of January feels like it’s 3 full years, all on its own, so I figure that’ll help balance things out. Here now, a woefully incomplete list of random things in 2013, superlative-ized.

– Most likely to boggle ze mind: Wall Street Journal does 2013 in photos. These are incredible – you gotta take a look.

super moon NYC

The super moon on June 23, 2013 as seen in Manhattan #badass

– Most universally annoying thing that I secretly do not find annoying: selfies.

– Best example of why it’s great to be a Georgia Bulldog and not a SC Gamecock: Someone Caught Steve Spurrier Humping a Yoga Ball

– BBT’s most read post: ALRIGHT. So when I get mad, BBT gets good? (JSimps, the Post Office, the hot girl at Equinox…no one’s safe)

– BBT’s most gratuitous use of p0rn (spoiler: it’s food p0rn): Hide Your Crazy and Start Acting Like A Lady – I also like the post in general: personal truths, my new ‘hood, some tunes, and, of course, lobsta rolls…(I had to use a 0 instead of an o, my internet filter does not like that word.)

– Best place in the entire world to be around Christmas: NYC

grand central

– Most likely to wear short skirts and move to Boston and become a lawyer: my senior superlative in high school. The newspaper staff made them up, and I was on the newspaper staff so I got off easy – come to think of it, I might have even made it up myself… Nerd.

– Most likely to make you shake your first and ask, WHY GOD WHY: you can’t pick your family, and you can’t pick where you’re from: Grantland’s Rembert Brown does poetic justice to the injustice that was afflicted upon Atlanta sports fans this fall.

– Best dog of the year/century/millennium: Missy Baxter. We miss you, Missy :(

she got the paper every morning for most of her life, starting when she was a teeny tiny puppy and the paper was bigger than she was

she got the paper every morning for most of her life, starting when she was a teeny tiny puppy and the paper was bigger than she was

– …but this dog is a close second. This story made my entire year.

– Hardest restaurant to get a reservation: it’s not even in NYC – Canoe in ATL wins this. I called like 7 weeks ago and they were already booked up for Christmas Eve. WTF Canoe? Whatevs, ever since they started curtailing their bread basket by having waiters distribute SINGULAR pieces, as opposed to the legit carb orgy they used to do, I’m kind of over it anyway. UPDATE: Canoe literally just called – there was a cancellation, and we’re in. I take back what I said about the bread and being over it – y’all knew that was a bunch of BS. I guess Canoe is no longer worthy of this superlative, I’ll go with Charlie Bird (Mary, what’s your secret!?) or ABC Kitchen.

– Sneakiest giraffe/most typical tourists:

stupid tourists! serves them right.

As taken by me, with my iPhone, in Pilanesberg, ZA

– Most likely to suffer from injuries due to an omnipresent Melvin: Miley Cyrus.

– Most legitimately useful information that I will likely never use: these 99 life hacks. The mind REELS.

– Most inopportune moment to drop a curtsy: at my work  Christmas party, I walked out of the restroom at the same time as the President of our company did (he out of the men’s room, me out of women’s – duh), which is an inherently awkward meet and greet all on its own. Never one to miss out on a potentially humiliating encounter, I CURTSIED before him – just as one might the Queen – and raised my glass of champagne as I bade him a pleasant evening. Why would you do that, Allie? I don’t know.

– Most exclusive, seen-and-be-seen event of the year:

Doc4

– Least tan person in the world, on average, over the last 12 months: Me. Or maybe Fleming.

– Most likely to touch a frozen pole with her tongue and get stuck: Miley Cyrus.

– Best gift for the person who has everything – guarantee you they don’t have this: The Kanye West Pug Calendar: 2014% Awesome

kanye february

It’s been a good year! I blogged almost weekly (almost), I got my hair balayage-ed/ombré-ed (I think I like it?), and I rode the Staten Island Ferry.  I also knocked out my sixth continent and got Amazon Prime – 2013 was wild! Who knows what 2014 will bring for BBT…perhaps there will be some external ventures…maybe in the form of a novel? I KNOW, I’ll stop talking and start doing. HAPPIEST of Holidays to you and yours!!

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

Hide your crazy and start acting like a lady

Posted by AllieB on August 22, 2013

Oh hello.

Recently, thanks to the wisdom and maturity that comes with turning 30, I have been able to face some harsh realities about my person:

1. I can be lazy

2. I have a penchant for over-indulging

3. Time to put my money where my mouth is and start writing that damn book

4. I overthink everything – I am my own worst enemy

5. I need to give myself more credit

None of this is brand new information, obviously, and self-awareness is an important trait, but it’s pretty worthless unless I start modifying my behavior. So…that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to be a go-getting, self-disciplined, published author who doesn’t dwell on the mundane and gives herself a pat on the back every day.

Too deep? I feel uncomf. Let’s head back to the shallow end and talk lobster rolls.

It’s not a total non sequitur: lobster rolls are something in which I  might very easily over-indulge if I didn’t enforce some self-discipline (see #2). I would eat one, like, every day if they weren’t $28/ea and didn’t have 8,000 calories. For this reason, and I have a similar rule for fettucini alfredo, I only get to have it once/year and it has to be worth it. IE, from the best restaurant and I don’t mess around with portions. This way I’m neither deprived, nor am I disgusting – you know what I say about moderation and how key it is. I don’t respond well to words like “no” and “don’t” and “can’t” and this system allows for indulgence but in a – what’s that? – yes, moderated way. Playing mind games with myself is exhausting, in case you were wondering. And this brings us to #4, doesn’t it…

lobsta roll

that’s some straight food porn right there

Enough with psycho-babble BS, BBT. Dinner at Pearl Oyster Bar, home to the best lobster roll in NYC, was so fun. Three cool girls, some rose, a heaping serving of lobster and mayo on buttered bread with shoestring fries and some fried oysters on the side… Laureo & EDon, we’ll do it again soon, but we’ll have to go somewhere else because my lobster roll quota for 2013 has now been fulfilled.

I am moving over Labor Day. The moving part blows, obviously, but the end result is very exciting. I’m headed downtown, y’all, and it’s going to be great. I’m on the river, I’ll have a balcony overlooking the river, there is an ice machine and a washer/dryer IN UNIT. Plus my rent is going down by like $300 – I feel as though I’ve struck real estate gold. I was running along the Hudson River Running Path the other evening, and I took this pic at the intersection of my new street + Westside Highway (my building is half a block behind me).

what a serene vista

what up JERSEY!

Speaking of running…I use Songza, an app whose virtues I’ve extolled on many occasions, for tunes. I first choose the day and time: it was Monday evening, then the activity: working out, then I choose the genre: the selection varies – I usually go with Aggressive Rap but I chose Upbeat Country. I forgot how enjoyable country is…anyway, Miranda Lambert’s Mama’s  Broken Heart came on, and one line really stuck with me…reference: today’s title. Ladies, hide your crazy.

BOOM – I never do what I say I’m going to do, and this week I did: dos posts en una semana.

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The one where a stranger took a picture of me sleeping

Posted by AllieB on April 18, 2013

Hello, let’s jump right in. Today I share with you the pluses and minuses of public transportation. Please don’t stop before you begin, I promise it’ll be worth your while…

MINUS – like, minus to infinity: I had a work thing in the DC/Maryland area this week, and I like trains so I decided to take the Acela instead of flying. The Acela is my new favorite method of transport: it is a fast train that stops in only a few cities, and it has comfy seats and lots of leg room and there’s none of the security hoopla of airports. I went down Monday night and returned Wednesday morning on the 7AM train. My 5AM wake up call was entirely unwelcome: I already felt like I’d lived a week of two Mondays, two Tuesdays, and I was waking up to my second Wednesday – I was exhausted. The train ride from DC to NYC is 2 hours and 45 minutes, and I slept HARD, like hardcore R.E.M. sleep from Baltimore to Philadelphia, which is about 1.5 hours. I woke up as we got close to Philly very disoriented and confused…and then…THIS:

“Um, excuse me?” The guy next to me cleared his throat.

I turned to him and he continued, “So, I have something to show you, and before you think I’m really creepy – I swear I’m not – it’s just…well, here,” as he pulls out his phone, “I took a picture of you sleeping.”

“You – wait … WHAT?!?!?” It took me about 3 seconds to process this (if you count out 3 seconds Mississippi-ly that’s a long time to process a thought), and once it hit me I was not happy.

“Yeah – stop, don’t look at me like that – you sleep really…I guess I’ve never seen anyone sleep like that before. You were, just, getting after it. I wanted to tell my friends about it but I didn’t think they’d believe me, so I took a picture…then I felt bad about sending it, so I decided I’d show you before I sent it to anyone and let you decide if I could share it.”

He handed me his phone. Suffice it to say…it wasn’t good. My head was lolled back on my shoulders, mouth gaping open, eyes pretty much wide open and staring right at him (I sleep with  my eyes open – have we talked about that?) and hair a veritable rat’s nest around my dome. “Plus,” he said, ever so helpfully, “your head kept doing that thing where it falls forward and then snaps back…aw man, I should have taken a video!”

Sweet. “Yeah, you’re gonna have to delete that,” I told him, “delete that right now.” My level of kiddingness was neg.

“OK…I get that. Here, done, DELETE.” He was sad to see it go, but he probably already sent it to his buddies anyway and the part about letting me decide was a bunch o baloney – I wasn’t born yesterday.

Then he added, “But I guess I also took it because I thought you should know how you sleep…”

I assured him that he was definitely not the first person to take a picture of me sleeping, but was absolutely the first stranger who had, and he goes, “Ha, that you know of….”

At this point all I could do was laugh. He didn’t seem like a weird creep (and I don’t give people much benefit of the doubt when I’m assessing weird creepiness), he was definitely somewhat PLU, around my age, not heinous…hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself… Then we pulled up to Philly and he got off. The end.

(Author’s note: I went back and forth about whether or not I was going to include a pic of me sleeping – obviously not the one he took, but I wasn’t lying when I said that others had snapped pics of me in medias slumber. I decided that, given all the weird crap going on right now we could all use some cheering up..so…here. Bus – me – under it.)

It is intentionally a very small file. No need to supersize this assault on the eyes

It is intentionally a very small file. No need to supersize this assault on the eyes

Here’s my takeaway: are there any classes that teach people how to sleep normal? I bet there are – there’s a class for just about everything in NYC. I do usually sleep with an eye mask, which helps with the eyes-open issue…but, as we all now know, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

gratutitous NYC pic featuring the West Village, my 'hood

gratuitous NYC pic featuring the West Village, my ‘hood

PLUS!: AM New York, a free newspaper up here, distributes their paper via paper people who stand at subway entrances, passing them out as people walk by. You’ll find a wide array of paper people: some are surly and just hold them out, silently; some are shouting about deals/coupons in that day’s edition; and others are less focused on giving away papers, but engaging with passer-bys. Normally, no gracias – leave me alone – but there is a woman who stands on the landing at the Bryant Park/42nd Street station at the corner of 42nd and 5th, where I emerge from subway to city every morning, and she is maybe my favorite human in NY.

“Alright, girl – it’s another beautiful day out there! Let me see you smile, oh yeah, there it is! Look at that smile! You go, girl, you’re gonna be great today, just keep smilin’…”

Each morning as I climb up the stairs, regardless of my disposition or mood, I cannot help but break into a huge, goofy smile, and I feel so silly about it I start laughing to myself. So, basically, because of this woman, I start each day laughing outloud. I believe that my overall quality of life has been improved since I began seeing her every day.

Cheesiness factor: high. I care not, you’d all be so lucky to have this gem of a person in your life.

On a serious note, I’d like to thank you all for your concerned texts/calls/emails/gchats about my sister, Charlotte, who ran the Boston Marathon on Monday. She was very close to the explosions, but she had her phone with her (many hadn’t had a chance to retrieve between finishing/running race and the blasts) so she was able to let us know right away that she was fine and safe and kept us posted as to her location, etc. It’s such a horrible tragedy on so many levels, but I really do appreciate the social media focus on the inherent good in people that shows itself in situations such as this. I also really appreciate these five golden retrievers – “comfort dogs” – who are part of the K-9 Lutheran Parish in Boston and trained specifically to provide emotional support.

This is Luther. Luther is hard at work and not enjoying a minute of it

This is Luther. Luther is hard at work and hating every second of it

BBT sends thoughts and prayers to all those impacted by Boston, the Texas explosion, or any of the other unpleasantness going on right now. XOXO….and TGIT

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I Drive a Minivan – The Sequel

Posted by AllieB on August 8, 2012

In a delightful demonstration of I-really-should-have-seen-this-coming irony, I, once again, find myself behind the wheel of the famously infamous minivan. After making such a big deal about getting rid of it – I even discussed a memorial service? –  here I am, less than a year later, back to commandeering that godforsaken turquoise family vehicle with but one automatic sliding door and zero DVD players. It’s not really a downgrade; I sold my car and am borrowing the van from my parents during my remaining weeks in Hotlanta. Plus, Gaylen really spruced the thing up – she even beat out the dent in the ceiling so I no longer have to deal with gallons of water sluicing through my open window after a rain storm. If you wanna go for a spin, call me. I’m like Enterprise; I’ll pick you up.

We’re baaaaack! The bumper stickers are gone now, so the only identifying characteristic is that the headlights are taped on.

BTW, selling a car by yourself is a huge pain – fielding calls/emails from strangers, meeting up with said strangers, having to go on test drives with strangers who are used to driving on the opposite side of the road…it’s not fun. But when it’s all said and done, it’s a huge adrenaline rush…there’s nothing like good old-fashioned negotiating followed by a solid handshake and a lot of cold hard cash. Admittedly, my wheeling and dealing skills could use some work – the bargaining convo went something like this:

Buyer: So you’re asking for X amount of dollars? I’ll give you $800 less.

Me: Sold!

Allie, no. It’s a good thing my mom was there to step in and bump the price back up. Everyone knows you never accept the first offer…

I laugh at a lot of things: myself, you, JSimps, corgis, death-themed family vacations, Workaholics (funniest show on tv), Drop Dead Gorgeous (the only thing Kirsten Dundst has ever done right), Ross on Friends (you’re welcome)…it doesn’t take much. This exchange, photographed from this month’s issue of Reader’s Digest (embarrassing), is very funny…if not just a little bit lame.

LOL! I put this on Instagram yesterday, and here it is on BBT today. Are you on Instagram? I love that thing – my name is alliebax, should you want to follow me..or whatever.

Nava is closing on Friday. SAD!! I will miss the patio, the cheese fritters, and the hangar steak. I will not miss the heinous service. We probably owe it to our time in Atlanta to swing by for a beverage…that place was our go-to back in 2k5/6. My imminent departure likely had a lot to do with it.

Happy Hump Day! TTFN & XOXO, BBT.

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Taking one for the team

Posted by AllieB on May 8, 2012

HELLO!! Let’s jump right in.

Although posing for wedding pics can be a real pain, the end result is always fun to browse – the actual event was months ago and things have started to get blurry, then all of a sudden you have 1,772 pictures to relive the entire day…for better or for worse. What this most recent set of images from the Baxter-Maines nuptials has learned me is that I ought to avoid the camera unless I am intentionally posing. Now, I’m not totally vain and I realize that these weddings photos aren’t about me, and it doesn’t really matter what I look like – it’s not my day – but it’s become too glaring of an issue to ignore. Plus, this blog is about what I want it to be about, and today is about me teaching you what not to do when taking pictures:

1. Show any sort of raw emotion.

Char seeing my dad for the first time. Seriously, BBT, get it together. Lucy looks on serenely; I could very possibly be on the verge of collapse.

2. Do the running man on the dancefloor:

Mom looks cute and breezy. I look like a hoss.

3. Sport any kind of hair-do that showcases abnormally large ears (I GREW INTO THEM) or bedeck oneself in a drab, ill-fitting, button-down mock turtlenecks. WTF is that.

Allie & Otis Nixon, 1993..? I think it was ’93. It was post-over the wall catch, pre-departure from the Braves. Whatevs – we were instant kindreds.

But, seriously – don’t do the running man on the dance floor, and keep the singing along to a minimum. I decided to leave out the pics of my Steven Tyler impression – it was simply too cruel to share…for the sake of both my peepers and yours. Note to Char/Mom: be kind when assembling the wedding album.

I think I want to start writing freelance..like for local publications. Specifically: restaurant reviews. Specifically: restaurant reviews where the publisher foots the bill and I am treated like Julia Roberts in My Best Friends Wedding. Should someone have an in on that, holla. And I’m kidding about the diva part, as the photos above so clearly demonstrate: BBT is no diva.

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