In a perfect world…
- pizza = kale
- Instagram automatically blocks all uploads with the caption “not bad for a Monday” and people who – in my opinion – post too much are limited to one photo per week. May I suggest Snapchat? Snapchat is a nice, disposable way to overshare. Also, you don’t have to use hashtags… #mostofyoushouldnot
- my Seamless order always comes in 15 minutes, even when the estimated time of arrival says 45-60 minutes
- the cute guy on the subway would not be married/5’4″/have halitosis.
- I would pay $475/month for rent, which is what the students at the University of Georgia (and surrounding community colleges, let’s be honest) moving into this ‘Jersey Shore Goes to Athens’ development are paying. Is this for real?? A LAZY RIVER?!
in addition to the lazy river, there is also a 20 ft outdoor tv and 25 person hot-tub. they should prob go ahead and add an on-site physician to treat all those “rashes” and have people sign release forms for the inevitable reality show
- Crimes Against Humanity would be punishable by law. No longer would we have to wait for karma to be the bitch - we could instantly dictate some sort of penalty befitting the nature of the crime. For example, when that jerk stole my cab on 18th and 8th the other night I could sentence him to a month-long inability to flag down any cabs and blackball him from Uber. That’d teach him. In a perfect world you can’t treat people like sh*t and get away with it, and your Crime Against Humanity would be promptly and properly handled. Perhaps one of those rashes going around that cesspool in Athens would make you think twice…
- dishwashers unload themselves
- much like the Red Sea parted for Moses so do the tourists on 42nd Street for me
- the girl in the Wendy’s commercial doesn’t exist. Neither do the Kardashians, Real Housewives, or LeAnn Rimes. Blake Lively isn’t allowed to speak and Channing Tatum is my boyfriend. I really don’t know what is up with my Channing Tatum crush, but it’s proving to stand the test of time/judgement of my peers.
- four-day work weeks – this could happen, y’all
- I can teleport anywhere I care to go. I could just suddenly appear in your living room or at the bday party or next to you on the beach. I would never miss anyone or anything again. SURPRISE IT’S ME ALLIE!
- I WOULD HAVE SO MANY PUPPIES
Summering in Montauk with all of my puppies
For those of you who read books, I have the following titles teed up on my Kindle – I am too lazy to add summaries, but I did add genre you are welcome:
Big Little Lies by Lianne Moriarty (chick lit)
One Plus One by Jojo Moyes (chick lit)
Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed (memoir – Reese Witherspoon stars in movie coming out in Oct)
Orphan Train by Christina Baker Kline (fiction)
Close Your Eyes, Hold Hands by Chris Bohjalian (fiction)
All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr (historical fiction – WWII)
Flash Boys: A Wall Street Revolt by Michael Lewis (nonfiction)
I Like You Just the Way I Am by Jenny Mollen (memoir – chick lit)
The Heist by Daniel Silva (mystery)
Lastly, I implore you to take a minute and watch this vid - it’s overwhelming to think about all that’s wrong with the world, but it’s also pretty neat to see what a difference you can make on a very small, local level. In a perfect world we would all be so considerate. I really love this - thanks, A.
The End. This weather is redonk – you should all have drinks outside on patios/rooftops this evening, as I intend to. TGIT!