Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

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Posts Tagged ‘personal shame’

Beach Bum Tan > Baxter Bark Twice

Posted by AllieB on March 21, 2013

It’s a common stereotype: people in the North are more abrasive, louder, and sometimes literally pushier than people from the South. I wouldn’t argue with this at all. The good manners and common courtesies with which I was raised and am accustomed to are not a given, and I think I need to just put on my big girl pants and get over it.

Case in point: last Friday evening at Beach Bum Tan. All I wanted was a spray tan in a booth, which they didn’t have, but the seemingly pleasant girl behind the counter, Mariam, said she could airbrush me herself in like an hour. No prob, I had some wine with Mary Cath around the corner and went back. In the time I was gone Mariam apparently underwent some kind of lobotomy, and it was not she but Mr. Hyde who was doing my tan. Things started off poorly when she accused me of lying about being from New Jersey and continued on in the manner of a downward spiral for the duration.

“I’ve got an Allie Baxter in the computer right here – see? That’s your name, you’ve been to our Jersey location before. You’re from Jersey.”

“I think it’s another Allie Baxter. I am from Atlanta.”

“Why would there be two of you?? And we don’t even have any stores in Atlanta!”

Precisely my point. “Look, I really haven’t been here before, and sometimes people have the same name…maybe there’s another Allie Baxter in New Jersey.”

“Fine, whatever. You’re not from Jersey, I get it. SH*T we’re running behind. Hurry up, Abby, we gotta get this done fast.”

She turned and stalked down the corridor. Assuming by Abby she meant Allie (after all that you’d think she’d get my name right), I dutifully followed along behind her, really thrilled to have the crazy person give me a spray tan. Once situated, the berating continued.

“You know how this works, right?”

“Yes, I -”

“When’s your event?”

“Tomorrow.”

“TOMORROW?! When were you going to tell me it was TOMORROW. Jesus frigging Chr- I just asked you if you knew how this works, and you said yes, but OBVIOUSLY you do not if you’re here a frigging day before whatever little party you have. It’s a TWO DAY process.”

“Um….I didn’t know…I’m sorry?” Her manner and tone really did make me feel sorry.

“Let’s look at you – oh my god you’re even paler than I thought. You’re like a Type I, I can’t even give you that much color or you’ll look like a frigging idiot. Seriously, do you go outside, like, EVER?!”

I inferred this to be a rhetorical question.

“I’m going to write out a list of instructions for you, Abby, and I think I’m going to call you tomorrow to make sure you’re following them TO A TEE and not screwing it all up.”

She shut off the airbrush thingy and ordered me to dry off while she attended to her other customers. I mulled over our interaction and started to get a little pissed off because seriously?! I got dressed and marched out to the reception area, ready to stand up to this relentless abuse.

“Listen, Mariam,” I began, planning to tell her while I appreciated her ‘input’ I did not appreciate being yelled at but that the tan was looking really good. (See what I did there? It’s a Compliment Sandwich: two compliments bookending a criticism. It’s a trick for delivering unpleasant truths. I learned it from Family Guy.)

Before I could continue she cut me off, thrusting a two page pamphlet in my hand with illegible scrawls all over it, “Remember what I said about FOL-LOW-ING THE IN-STRUC-TIONS. Oh, and here’s an envelope for my tip. People are usually happy with the outcome and leave me, like, $7-$10. BYE Abby.” She looked at me, then looked pointedly at the envelope.

I feel like this is what The Today Show and People magazine are talking about when they talk about bullies. Instead of standing up for myself, I obediently took out a $10 dollar bill, placed it in the envelope, murmured a feeble “thanks” and shuffled meekly out the door.

The good news is that it was a buy-one-get-one-free situation, so I’ve got a voucher to go back for another. If anyone wants to go be Allie Baxter (NOT the one from Jersey), you are more than welcome to a free airbrush and moral smackdown with Mariam.

Cool story, Hansel. On Saturday I am going on vacation!!! The whole Baxter fam is headed to Playa del Carmen in Mexico. Weird stuff always happens when all of us travel together, so fingers crossed no one dies on my airplane! Here’s a pic of where I’ll be – it looks pretty nice. And my new phone just arrived, so I’ll be sure to document our week on Insta. BOLO for humble brags!

playa del carmen

Ok, I’ll finish the drill. For those of you still reading, here are a few external links for your reading enjoyment. Adios!

In the vein of what I mentioned last week re: my mortal fear of a subway-related death, there are also these things about which to be concerned.

You’re going to want to meet Mo, a brand new baby river otter.

This article published in the LA Times 25 years ago that predicts how things would be in the year 2013 (2013 is the year it is now – this guy got it pretty wrong).

*I always come up with the title after I write the post, and I’m only now seeing that Beach Bum Tan and BBT share the same initials. I HATE THAT PLACE.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Have you met Penny?

Posted by AllieB on May 6, 2011

Penny, best known as the funny, awkward, not very skinny girl on my new favorite show, Happy Endings, is, apparently, my doppelganger. PX will not let this go, so I’m embracing it. She is funny and awkward and charming and can speak fluent italian when she gets drunk. Lo faccio anch’io! Plus, people really seem to like her – I almost feel flattered reading this, like he’s talking about me personally.

Penny is also pretty fiesty. In this week’s episode she learned how to self-defend herself and she totally kicked a**. I can kick a**.

See? I don’t take crap from anyone – that’s me laying down the law to that sasquatch of a human, Paxton. He’ll try to tell you that he’s keeping me from ordering more tacos (oh look, it’s TEX’s TACOS), but it wasn’t, it was me being angry at him for calling me husky.

Which brings me to my real point of issue. It’s all fun and games until someone gets called “husky.” Things really get out of hand when the insult is accompanied with a link to Urban Dictionary.

Huskaroo:

A pudgy or chunky person. In a sentence: That girl just ate half an extra large pizza! What a Huskaroo!

The really unfortunate thing about this is that I did have pizza when I got home last night…sigh.

Whatever, Penny rocks.

courtesy of my frenemy, Paxton

 

 

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

Do as I say, never as I do

Posted by AllieB on April 20, 2011

I wish I could say, “disclaimer: the following story didn’t actually happen” or something, but I cannot. I swear I’m not a total social retard – like, I know I’m not – but when I fail, I do so spectacularly.

Cut to: Saturday at Kramers. I was sitting casually at the bar, as I did for entirely too long that day, and I found myself without anyone to talk to. Since I am comfortable sharing this detail, it is obvious that I am not a loser, I just am by myself sometimes. . . anyway, there I was, sitting, and I thought, hey – why not meet someone new. So I turned to the gentleman sitting a few seats down from me, assessed the situation, and tried to think of something to say.

Me: Did you know your beer is frozen?

Him: <stares at the obviously frozen beer, then back at me> Yeah, I actually did notice that.

Me: I hate it when that happens…did you, uh, bring it from home?

Him: <with a look that could only be described as pity, swivels on stool, conversation terminated>

No. He did not bring his frozen beer from home, Allie, YOU IDIOT.

I’m going to change the subject.

Last night I made a really delicious omelette – how the H do you spell omlette?!? Anyway, I sauteed some green peppers, onions, and shrooms, poured in my egg whites, added some mozz cheese and a liberal douse of Tabasco and voilà!

Admittedly, this is not a photo of my meal – mine was slightly less photogenic. Things went awry when Missy Baxter tried to eat the homemade chocolate chip cookie dough I’d just made, and I had to leave my egg-based creation unattended over open flame…whatevs, it still tasted great, and I had a grapefruit to go with it. Bon appétit, indeed.

Speaking of Français, my parents stayed here last night. I’m stuck wrassling over cookie dough with the dog while they’re sipping champagne in Champagne.

:|

Lastly, Grindhouse Killer Burgers opened a new outpost yesterday, conveniently located on Piedmont in Morningside, complete with liquor license and patio, not to mention their famously awesome burgers. BP & Pantalones – we can hit that up for Friday lunch.

Posted in Arbitrary, Food & Drink | Tagged: , , , , , | 8 Comments »

Ruminations Part Deux: Help.

Posted by AllieB on January 12, 2011

I’ve just woken up from my afternoon nap (today it was more like an early evening nap), and I feel very well-rested. Having slept for 12 hours each of the last 24, I feel really very clear headed and wise. A tad sluggish, but getting back on the BBT horse earlier helped a bit – these posts don’t write themselves, you know.

Right before my nap, I was on Facebook, hitting refresh on my mini-feed and waiting for some sort of exciting information to pop up. It didn’t. Then, I saw it – on the bottom right hand corner of my page…Facebook Chat. It’s omnipresent with its grey dot, but I obviously never, EVER sign on the thing. I strayed towards it on my mouse pad, weighing the pros and cons as I got closer and closer….

ALLIE – NO!

Luckily, I was able to stop myself in time. I marched straight over to the carpet and knocked out a few sit-ups, punishing myself for such a near-miss. Facebook Chat?!? Never will I ever. Then I took Max outside and we both nearly bit ass on the sheet of ice that is the driveway. The shock of cold air did us both some good, and we came in revitalized and refreshed – in other words, in perfect shape for a nap.

Another lesson in poor judgement that I almost executed earlier was the purchase of some Pajama Jeans. I was watching some riveting daytime television when the ten minute infomercial came on…intrigued, I moseyed over to the website to do some more research – I mean, what a great idea: the comfort of some pj pants combined with the style and fit of my fave pair of designer jeans! And, what’s this: a free grey crewneck T that I get to keep even if I return my Pajama Jeans?! Sold. There’s no way these are too good to be true.

ALLIE – NO!

I think we can all agree these bad boys – genius as the premise is and as reasonable a price – are indeed too good to be true. Great for loungewear, maybe, but not so much in public. There’s one woman riding a bike in hers on the informercial – I guess they could be okay for that, too, and maaaaybe for a Sunday trip to the grocer…but probably leave them at home on your next dinner date.

So, a couple of close calls today…fingers crossed I venture out tomorrow. In fact, hopefully upon reading this those with mobile mobiles will be so concerned about my sanity they will come to get me, ignoring my insistence that they not put themselves at risk. Plenty of people have offered to fetch me, I would like to note, but it didn’t seem worth it….rest assured, I’ll be singing a different tune tomorrow.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Nostalgia: France

Posted by AllieB on October 20, 2010

For no other reason than that I haven’t had a new Facebook album since June, I decided to post random pictures from the Baxter Family trip to France back in August. Staying at my aunt and uncle’s home was beyond incredible, and we really did have such a good time – I am ready for a return trip!

Chateau Cerisay - clockwise from top right: front door, moat, chapel, grounds, main house. TAKE ME BACK!

Anecdote: my aunt and uncle have become friendly with the neighbors, and they were kind enough to invite us over for a cook-out. The host of the party, we’ll call him Jacques, was charming, flamboyant and an amazing cook.

I have always been of a proponent of really indulging oneself on vacation – no limits, really take advantage of the culture, cuisine, etc. This means to say: I helped myself to the food and wine. At one point he saw me taking a second chicken kabob, and he inquired, “Oh, is that for your little sister?” Embarrassed, I assured him that yes, it was (not). Shortly thereafter he came over to where Jordan and I were sitting, and the following conversation ensued:

Jacques: “Deed your seester geeve you her kabob?”

Jordan: “No.”

Jacques (to me): “Non! You ate that?! A second kabob?!”

Me (humiliated with a side of rosacea): “Um, yes…you know what they say about vacation – lots of wine and lots of food!”

Jacques: “Mais oui, to have lots of wine – that is very Franche, but to have two kabobs…that is SO not Franche.”

Oh the shame. I tried to joke with him later about the incident, saying I should probably run wind sprints home to work off the second kabob, and he responded in a decidedly non-joking manner, “But of course!! That eees a good idea!!”

Note to self re: future travels – do as the locals do, not as obese Americans do…

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »