Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Archive for the ‘Arbitrary’ Category

Top 10 Reasons Why You’re Still Single

Posted by AllieB on March 27, 2014

I’m not going to sugarcoat it.

10. I can smell your Eau de Desperate musk from here. We all can.

9. You UGLY. Just kidding.

8. LET IT GO. Stuff happens, and it’s a fact of life that the older you get the more baggage you’ll be toting around, but maybe you should assess how you’re handling said bags…are you the person trying to stuff your full size rollerboard, 50 lb duffle, overcoat, and laptop case in the overhead compartment? No one likes you. Here’s an idea: how about checking the big, bulky ones? You’re not trying to hide the extra luggage, you’re just stowing it someplace more convenient and out of the way…bonus: people like me won’t kick you in the shins as we finally pass by your seat after watching you wrassle with your crap for 30 minutes.

Emotional baggage -> literal baggage

7. Your horizons: they are too narrow. Eschew all you think to be true about your “type.” Chemistry is a tricky, unpredictable thing, and who knows who or what might strike your fancy. I’m not saying lower your standards; I’m simply suggesting that maybe your white knight rides a black horse.

6. The idea of your sacred alone time becoming shared time with another human is unsettling.

5. You’re not even trying. If you’re not meeting new people – be it at a bar, volunteering, a concert, whatever – then you really might die alone. There is also online dating and speed dating, and, once you have a target in mind, casual stalking & choreographing “accidental” run-ins. In the words of someone annoying, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

4. You have a blog. Two words: Flat Face

3. You’re too social. You’re a recluse. You drink too much. You’re uptight. You’re a slob. You’re OCD. You’re too aggressive. You don’t take initiative. You’re not motivated. You’re always at the office. Your Flywheel classes are making you poor. Why are you so fat.

Huh? I’ll explain: it seems you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, so might as well go ahead and fly that freak flag at full mast. We all deserve to have someone look meaningfully into our eyes and say: “I like you very much. Just as you are.”

2. You took this quiz on Buzzfeed, How Single Are You?, and got “Destined to be Single.” Oh.

…and the #1 reason why you’re still single…

Well, I don’t actually know. But this could have something to do with it:

everything happens for a reason(Source)

Conversely, it could just as easily explain why you’re not single…

TGIT! I hope you’re enjoying this lovely Sprinter – or Wing, if you’d prefer. I have a nonnegotiable “No Tights” policy that kicks in April 1, so YO, Mother Nature: let’s wrap it up.

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Today > all the other days

Posted by AllieB on March 20, 2014

Happy First Day of Spring! I mean that sincerely, without any irony.

I walked 3.7 miles home from work on Tuesday evening: it was a balmy 40 degrees, I had a horrible case of office eyes and was in dire need of fresh air, plus my credit card may or may not have been at The Randolph in Nolita since the Friday previous. It took me about 70 mins, start to finish, and I made my way thru a lot of tunes and even a few thoughts.

walking home and tunes

 The thoughts I’ll keep to myself…although I don’t think I had any between Madison Sq Park and Houston – I truly cannot account for a single moment of those 30-odd blocks. It always weirds me out when that happens.

As I mentioned earlier, Adult Allie left her card at the bar on Fri, and it stayed posted up there for four full days before I finally got around to retrieving it. What’s remarkable to me is that, in the time we were apart, I managed to use it just as much if not more than usual, including 3 or 4 orders off Seamless (3-4x), an Amazon item (obviously), and these from Shopbop (Mom, I can justify these to you in a separate conversation). Thanks, Internet, for storing my payment methods and facilitating/enabling/abetting my one-click shopping habit. I love hate lovehatelove the Internet.

In this week’s “Legitimately Useful Information” segment, I share with you some Google hacks I learned from my new favorite site, Refinery29 - the article has 10, and here are my favorites:

You know when you’re trying to tell someone about a song, and you kind of know the name of it but you’re missing a vital word? Simply insert an * for the word you don’t know, and Goog does the rest:

Shake ya Tailfeather

The other one I like, because I am forever wondering how to say things in various languages, is to add “translate” before the phrase in question and then the language you’re wondering about at the end. This is better explained via image, per the below:

where is the bathroom swahili

Ambapo ni bafuni? I am ready for my visit to the Congo!

I’ve made jokes about this in the past, but y’all…could Culinary Allie be more than a figment of my imagination?? In the past couple of weeks I have handily whipped up a number of delicious concoctions, and other people have eaten these creations and not a single person suffered from any kind of poisoning or death. When is the next Top Chef audition?

look whos cooking Baked Marinaded Tomatoes with Sauteed Spinach and Cheese (credit: Swedge’s Pinterest); Top Sirloin cooked to rare-medium perfection in my skillet grill pan, accompanied by bottleS, apparently, of Malbec and a lovely view; chocolate chip cookie dough from scratch

Who even needs pasta?? Me. I need pasta. T-minus 30 days.

WHERE.IS.THE.PLANE. WHERE IS THE PLANE!?!?! Oh, maybe Australia. Nope, scratch that – it’s in The Bermuda Triangle.

In an effort to curb my burgeoning gambling problem, I chose not to fill out a bracket for sports. I look forward to heckling those who lose and sucking up to those who are winning out…it’s all about the Benjamins (yours, not mine).

When I use a lot of pictures I therefore feel the need to use fewer words. TGIT! Today > all the other days. One little known but entirely true fact about the First Day of Spring is that After Work Drinks are mandatory… soooo AWD’s for everybody! MC, try to keep it together til I get there….

P.S. When I read this I nearly trashed today’s entire post because YES: How The First Day of Spring Feels in NYC

We are just so happy and want to be outside….

And eat Brunch outdoors.

How The First Day Of Spring Feels Like In NYC

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F is for Fur

Posted by AllieB on March 13, 2014

Hello. I was sorting through my closet recently, and I was sad to realize I probably wouldn’t have occasion to wear my fur vest again this season. Well aren’t I the lucky one because today dawned 18 degrees with 30mph winds… I’ll probably be sporting this thing thru May. Happy Memorial Day love BBT and her vest.

I digress. Let’s get to the heart of today’s relevant matters:

1. GET YOUR GD GIRL SCOUT COOKIES AWAY FROM ME

2. Atlanta was excellent. It made me really excited for spring up here…I still believe in seasons, and Mother Nature will reward me for my loyalty.

atl collage From top left:

  • this is something fun you can do in Snapchat – add your mph as you snap! This was taken on a stroll around Chastain Park. #haulingA #tryharder #grannycangofaster
  • Silly Sally!! She was an absolute delight, and a very willing participant in this photo (BBT: do something about your hairs)
  • ATL as seen from Casa di K via the skillz of Professional Snapper, A
  • Ok, this isn’t ATL, it was on the subway the other morning – but is that not B.D. Wong?? I’ve been watching a lot of Law & Order: SVU recently, but I’m pretty sure it’s him…

3. BIG news: I have a new favorite mascara…! My gold standard L’Oreal Voluminous will always have a place in my makeup bag, but I recently purchased L’Oreal Voluminous Butterfly Mascara because who could resist a “revolutionary butterfly brush” that will give my lashes a “winged-out effect.” Turns out – it actually does what it says! I curl my lashes 9 out of 10 times before putting on mascara, but some mornings I’m like, “ain’t nobody got time for that.” The technologically advanced makeup brush really did extend the outer corners of my lashes while providing the usual 6x my normal volume. It absolutely does not replace an eyelash curler, but for those mornings when you just can’t handle that extra, 3 second step, it gets the job done.

l-oreal-paris-voluminous-butterfly-mascara

4. Hello, PornBurger. The craziest thing is that this dude makes all these up himself – I will pay him $1 million to open a restaurant. Or maybe we can just get married?

pornburger_thefullmounty

 oh hey.

5. WHERE IS THAT AIRPLANE? Seriously though – where is it? This is beyond bizarre.

It doesn’t even feel like a Thursday – it feels like a horrible parallel universe version of Thursday that lasts 72 hours and all you want is that glass of wine you’ve legitimately earned (for once) and you can see it but you can’t reach it…. That doesn’t even make sense. I gotta get out of here. Suffice it to say, I am ready for the weekend.

ready to party

 Yep. Happy Weekend from BBT and her vest

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Absence makes the heart grow fonder…

Posted by AllieB on March 6, 2014

…or does it? Sometimes I just want what I want when I want it, and barring access to something that I want seems needlessly cruel. For this reason, I often choose not to partake in Lent – most of the time I fail and then some: I end up doing (eating) whatever it is I decided not to do (eat) even more than I did in the first place. However, now that I am in the latter part of my 31st year, I think maybe I should try adulthood on for size. Challenge: accepted.

This year I am giving up pasta & pizza. Monday thru Thursday this will be a cake walk mmm cake but come Friday, Saturday, and Sunday…well, I’m going to have to dig deep. Every weekend I have one or the other or both, and I am already concerned about what I’ll have instead. Like, seriously, what does one eat on Sunday if not the homemade Fettucini Al Sugo Toscano from Max Trattoria? I guess I’ll find out. This also means no more Pizza Friday….I did not think this through. I wish I’d given up cake.

ravioli - Lent

My Last Supper on Tuesday. I am not even kidding: this meal of Whole Foods Cheese Ravioli on a bed of sauteed spinach is the closest I’ve ever come to Stuffed Pasta Heaven. It goes without saying that I am adroit in the kitchen, particularly when it comes to boiling water, but that crack they put in the ravioli is damn good. You can find these pastas in the refrigerated pasta section at your local Whole Foods.

At least I’m not the only one who’s concerned about making it thru the Lenten season:

Hilary:  yuuuum wait did you give up pasta for lent?

me:  pasta and pizza

Hilary:  oy vey. i thought about giving up fried foods. but i can’t seem to pull the triggeri need to though

me:  it’s really only going to be a problem on the wknds when that’s pretty much all i eat

Hilary:  yeah i’m going to do it. no fried foods for 40 days

me:  there ya go

Hilary:  OMG I WISH I WAS DEAD ALREADY

You’re an inspiration to us all, Hildebeast.

I’m heading south manana!! Ahh, ATL – I have missed you…I’m excited about the following:

  • Seeing G-Force, Geoffrey, and frands. If you’re one of the lucky ones, BOLO for a huge MASH. Hilary, you can BOLO for a cold shoulder and a look of disinterest
  • Driving a car. I miss having a whip. Plus, riding in a car pretty much eradicates any chance of you sitting in a stranger’s lap
  • CHEESE DIP. If you need me, I’ll be by the queso.
  • Weather that is not this. I don’t even bother looking at the forecast anymore – I just automatically don my puffer, boots, scarf, and ear warmers before leaving the house
  • Taking long walks and cozy naps with this ANGEL MUFFIN, Sally, the lab my parents are temporarily hosting via Atlanta Lab Rescue.

SALLY

Ijustwannasqueeeeeeeezeherangelmuffinface

Look at that – me & ATL is a perfect example of absence making the heart grow fonder…guess it can go either way #themindreels

Elsewhere on the interweb:

-Buzzfeed did some good work (The 54 Best GIFs of 2012 & The 41 Most Awkward Things That Have Ever Happened)

The 54 Best Animated GIFs Of 2012

wait for it….

The 41 Most Awkward Things That Have Ever Happened

Awkward Nirvana + Charles Barkley

-Witty + Pretty told the truth about girls and their favorite fat foods in honor of Fat Tuesday.

-WHO IS THE YELLOW KING?? We find out on Sunday…

Guys, I very nearly didn’t write today (I think you can probably see why, if you’ve even made it to the end to read this), but I’ve written every single week of 2014 – can’t let this hot streak fizzle. Happy Thursday to you and yours! A, pour me out some of that hashtagwine in prep for my imminent arrival…

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Not Cool, Bro

Posted by AllieB on February 27, 2014

Hello! Let’s jump right in. For you today I’ve compiled a list of what’s tickling my fancy, what makes me very angry, and then two things about which I am ambivalent. It’s a little newsworthy, oddly heavy on tunes, and now I’m hungry. Guys, I’m in a great mood – join me, won’t you?

Right Up My Alley:

  • Taco Bell for the WIN:

taco bell waffle taco

  • I watched the first episode of True Detective real time back in January, and I was like nope, do not want. But then I kept seeing all this internet chatter about it and I knew I had to try try again. Mission: accomplished – as of Sunday I’m all caught up and am waiting with breath that is bated for the final two episodes. WHO IS THE YELLOW KING. Also, Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson are badasses – I think both of them are doing some of their very best work.

ben and jerrys core

  • I’ve become more than a little obsessed with my skincare regimen and have spent a lot of money time and money effort trying to figure out what works best for moi. I’m not yet prepared to endorse any products as they’re still in the testing phase (I’m trying to track changes like they do in magazine ads) but there is one item I can share. I am #blessed not to have pimple-prone skin, but blemishes can happen to anyone…next time you wake up to a red terror, take action with EradiKate Treatment by Kate Somerville. You just dab a teeny little bit on the spot a couple times throughout the day and it will be significantly smaller, if not gone completely, in 12 hours. Seriously. This is good stuff.
  • I don’t know what’s going on here, but my fancies are definitely tickled – this mini pony’s all, “hey man, check out my fairisle knit sweater” (CKB)

fairisle friend

  • The Oscars are Sunday. I am excited about: Ellen as host; what Jessica Biel, Kate Hudson, and Naomi Watts will be wearing; Jared Leto – LOTS of Jared Leto, please; and counting the pile of money I’ll get when my bracket wins out in the Oscar pool. 
  • BBT’s Throwback Music Video of the Week (also a thing): November Rain by Guns N’ Roses. I know we’ve all seen it, but you need to see it again.  I’ve recently added this to my “Walkin” playlist, and it was all I could do to not take out my air guitar in Whole Foods the other night. Just kidding, I don’t play the air guitar. But it’s SO good, and they don’t make music videos like that anymore…I’m looking at you, Kimye.

Not Cool, Bro: 

  • You know what you did.

my will to live 2_Page_1

This might be teeny bit dramatic.

On Notice:

  • Bitcoin. WTF is Bitcoin?
  • A flask bracelet by Cynthia Rowley. A hip flask is an old school tradition – I mean, it’s probably not always appropriate, but they’ve been around forever and your grandfather probably has one. Plus,  it’s not like you’re not walking around masquerading your hidden booze as a piece of jewelry, ya know? Although, this thing on Gameday could be genius…hmm…I think if I were in college I might consider it, but anyone out of school for more than 5 years – might be time to ask yourself if everything’s all right.

cynthia rowley flask bracelet

Love a good listicle.

In other news:

This map shows each state’s favorite band, measured using a method I don’t entirely understand. Full disclosure: I had to Google Georgia’s favorite band…though that should surprise no one. Ohio’s favorite is somewhat ironic, no?

favorite band by state

What Does Your Favorite Athens Bar Say About You? - this is seriously flawed. I haven’t heard of many and really beg to differ on a few others…

Flanagan’s – you’re a socialite

If you came downtown hoping to “run into” your ex, you’ll be posted up at Flan’s. He’s here. Everyone’s here.

The passage of time allows for some changes, I realize, but no. Just – no. Also, the phrase posted up at Flan’s makes me want to light this person on fire.

You’ll be pleased to know that I neither hugged nor sat on any unsuspecting strangers this week – that’s seven full days of keeping my hands/derriere to myself. Way to go, Allie.

Tomorrow is March 1. Fingers crossed for a spike in morale and overall will to live!

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