Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Archive for the ‘Arbitrary’ Category

There are no small victories: BBT by the numbers

Posted by AllieB on April 10, 2014

Minus 10 points for missing last week – I don’t even have a good excuse and it will probably happen again, but I’m here today which I’d say is a victory – and not a small one because there are no small victories. Lots of exciting stuff going on: instead of using a standard bullet format to organize my thoughts, I am breaking them down by the numbers. And if that’s not enticing enough, there’s a really cool surprise when you get to the end…

24: 24 hours til I’m poolside in the Panhandle.

3: Three different sales people Pretty Woman’ed me at Bergdorf’s on Monday. I ordered something from Neiman Marcus online, and I didn’t like it. I also didn’t like the idea of waiting 14 days for my refund (there’s no Neiman’s in NYC), so I gave Customer Service a call and learned I could return my item to Bergdorf’s. Awesome! B-dorf’s is 10 blocks from my office. Things got a lot less awesome upon arrival – I totally get now how lousy Julia Roberts-as-prostitute felt when she went to that store and those bitchy ladies wouldn’t help her.

Sidebar Rant: I think there’s a required seminar all these employees attend where they learn how to make you feel like crap. First and foremost: the signature Eye Rake – this move actually has the same effect as that machine in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids except it shrinks your soul.  Anyone who is not toting an ostrich Prada bag or hasn’t had at least four plastic surgery procedures is subject to the Eye Rake wherein the sales associate rakes their eyes up and down your person, pausing to raise a single brow at especially offensive attire or accessories, such as a pair of Tom’s. Once they’ve robbed you of all self-worth, the employee will purse their lips in a smirky duckface and then, with a hugely exaggerated roll of their eyes, might they deign to answer whatever question you dared ask.

Perhaps one day I’ll go back in carrying not one but three Prada ostrich bags having spruced myself up with a face, brow, eye, boob, AND butt lift, then glide around with my nose in the air waving wads of cash saying, “Big mistake, huge.” Yeah….yeah.

I digress. Someone finally told me where to return the stupid dress, and I got my dollaz back in 48 hours. Mission: accomplished.

2: I’ve made two tomato pies in the last two weeks. Have you heard of the tomato pie diet? It’s all the rage – little known fact: mayonnaise and flaky pie crust are actually power foods.

tomato pie

4: I recently bought a pack of classes to Barry’s Bootcamp aka Torture Chamber Where You Pay $$$$ To Be Yelled At Then Almost Vomit. I’ve gone to four of them. Four is also the number of days since I’ve been able to stand up or sit down without crying a little.

0: I have successfully walked into the Men’s room zero times this week! Two weeks ago I moved up several floors to a new office, and the layout is literally identical to where I was with one exception: the men’s room is where the women’s room was, and vice versa. While I feel really good about my literacy and ability to identify the universal signs for MALE and FEMALE, I still find myself walking towards the wrong door…

5: …and last week I actually did walk thru the wrong door. Five times :(

2011: back in August 2011 the PGA Championship was at the Atlanta Athletic Club. I went to an early round and discovered the physical specimen that is Adam Scott. I spent much of the day stalking tracking his progress and I know I wasn’t the only one who felt our “connection” – it was palpable. Adam definitely needs another green jacket. What a smokeshow.

BBT and Adam Scott

See something you like, Adam? I think he might be jealous of my traps #hoss #mustbetheangle

19: Valeria, the human Barbie, has a 19 inch waist and maintains her inhuman proportions by way of plastic surgery and subsisting on an “air and light” diet. She’s freaking me the EFF OUT. Read more about how cool and normal she is in this GQ article. (Credit: Hilary.)

human barbie valeria

That’s a real person.

39: 39 Things That Only Girls Growing Up in the 80’s Would Get. This gave me almost physical pangs of nostalgia…Caboodles! Lip Smackers! Side pony’s! I actually still like a side pony…(credit: A)

23: So this what they mean by “heaven on earth” – the Annual Lobster Rumble on June 5 in NYC showcases 23 lobster rolls from 23 restaurants across the US, and I, the event attendee, am tasked to taste them all and choose a winner. Holy sh*t. There goes my “one lobster roll per year” rule. That was a really dumb rule anyway.

I was lying about the cool surprise – thought I’d lose you when I started talking about my “standard bullet format.” Thanks for reading!

I’m PCB-bound for a calm and relaxing wedding weekend with only a couple friends – we’ll go to bed early and there will be no dancing, especially not to Mustang Sally.

Spring is here!!!! TGIT!

Bryant Park 1And one day, not too far from now, those trees might even grow some leaves…

 Take a minute and count your blessings today. I say that in all sincerity.

 

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Top 10 Reasons Why You’re Still Single

Posted by AllieB on March 27, 2014

I’m not going to sugarcoat it.

10. I can smell your Eau de Desperate musk from here. We all can.

9. You UGLY. Just kidding.

8. LET IT GO. Stuff happens, and it’s a fact of life that the older you get the more baggage you’ll be toting around, but maybe you should assess how you’re handling said bags…are you the person trying to stuff your full size rollerboard, 50 lb duffle, overcoat, and laptop case in the overhead compartment? No one likes you. Here’s an idea: how about checking the big, bulky ones? You’re not trying to hide the extra luggage, you’re just stowing it someplace more convenient and out of the way…bonus: people like me won’t kick you in the shins as we finally pass by your seat after watching you wrassle with your crap for 30 minutes.

Emotional baggage -> literal baggage

7. Your horizons: they are too narrow. Eschew all you think to be true about your “type.” Chemistry is a tricky, unpredictable thing, and who knows who or what might strike your fancy. I’m not saying lower your standards; I’m simply suggesting that maybe your white knight rides a black horse.

6. The idea of your sacred alone time becoming shared time with another human is unsettling.

5. You’re not even trying. If you’re not meeting new people – be it at a bar, volunteering, a concert, whatever – then you really might die alone. There is also online dating and speed dating, and, once you have a target in mind, casual stalking & choreographing “accidental” run-ins. In the words of someone annoying, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

4. You have a blog. Two words: Flat Face

3. You’re too social. You’re a recluse. You drink too much. You’re uptight. You’re a slob. You’re OCD. You’re too aggressive. You don’t take initiative. You’re not motivated. You’re always at the office. Your Flywheel classes are making you poor. Why are you so fat.

Huh? I’ll explain: it seems you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, so might as well go ahead and fly that freak flag at full mast. We all deserve to have someone look meaningfully into our eyes and say: “I like you very much. Just as you are.”

2. You took this quiz on Buzzfeed, How Single Are You?, and got “Destined to be Single.” Oh.

…and the #1 reason why you’re still single…

Well, I don’t actually know. But this could have something to do with it:

everything happens for a reason(Source)

Conversely, it could just as easily explain why you’re not single…

TGIT! I hope you’re enjoying this lovely Sprinter – or Wing, if you’d prefer. I have a nonnegotiable “No Tights” policy that kicks in April 1, so YO, Mother Nature: let’s wrap it up.

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Today > all the other days

Posted by AllieB on March 20, 2014

Happy First Day of Spring! I mean that sincerely, without any irony.

I walked 3.7 miles home from work on Tuesday evening: it was a balmy 40 degrees, I had a horrible case of office eyes and was in dire need of fresh air, plus my credit card may or may not have been at The Randolph in Nolita since the Friday previous. It took me about 70 mins, start to finish, and I made my way thru a lot of tunes and even a few thoughts.

walking home and tunes

 The thoughts I’ll keep to myself…although I don’t think I had any between Madison Sq Park and Houston – I truly cannot account for a single moment of those 30-odd blocks. It always weirds me out when that happens.

As I mentioned earlier, Adult Allie left her card at the bar on Fri, and it stayed posted up there for four full days before I finally got around to retrieving it. What’s remarkable to me is that, in the time we were apart, I managed to use it just as much if not more than usual, including 3 or 4 orders off Seamless (3-4x), an Amazon item (obviously), and these from Shopbop (Mom, I can justify these to you in a separate conversation). Thanks, Internet, for storing my payment methods and facilitating/enabling/abetting my one-click shopping habit. I love hate lovehatelove the Internet.

In this week’s “Legitimately Useful Information” segment, I share with you some Google hacks I learned from my new favorite site, Refinery29 - the article has 10, and here are my favorites:

You know when you’re trying to tell someone about a song, and you kind of know the name of it but you’re missing a vital word? Simply insert an * for the word you don’t know, and Goog does the rest:

Shake ya Tailfeather

The other one I like, because I am forever wondering how to say things in various languages, is to add “translate” before the phrase in question and then the language you’re wondering about at the end. This is better explained via image, per the below:

where is the bathroom swahili

Ambapo ni bafuni? I am ready for my visit to the Congo!

I’ve made jokes about this in the past, but y’all…could Culinary Allie be more than a figment of my imagination?? In the past couple of weeks I have handily whipped up a number of delicious concoctions, and other people have eaten these creations and not a single person suffered from any kind of poisoning or death. When is the next Top Chef audition?

look whos cooking Baked Marinaded Tomatoes with Sauteed Spinach and Cheese (credit: Swedge’s Pinterest); Top Sirloin cooked to rare-medium perfection in my skillet grill pan, accompanied by bottleS, apparently, of Malbec and a lovely view; chocolate chip cookie dough from scratch

Who even needs pasta?? Me. I need pasta. T-minus 30 days.

WHERE.IS.THE.PLANE. WHERE IS THE PLANE!?!?! Oh, maybe Australia. Nope, scratch that – it’s in The Bermuda Triangle.

In an effort to curb my burgeoning gambling problem, I chose not to fill out a bracket for sports. I look forward to heckling those who lose and sucking up to those who are winning out…it’s all about the Benjamins (yours, not mine).

When I use a lot of pictures I therefore feel the need to use fewer words. TGIT! Today > all the other days. One little known but entirely true fact about the First Day of Spring is that After Work Drinks are mandatory… soooo AWD’s for everybody! MC, try to keep it together til I get there….

P.S. When I read this I nearly trashed today’s entire post because YES: How The First Day of Spring Feels in NYC

We are just so happy and want to be outside….

And eat Brunch outdoors.

How The First Day Of Spring Feels Like In NYC

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F is for Fur

Posted by AllieB on March 13, 2014

Hello. I was sorting through my closet recently, and I was sad to realize I probably wouldn’t have occasion to wear my fur vest again this season. Well aren’t I the lucky one because today dawned 18 degrees with 30mph winds… I’ll probably be sporting this thing thru May. Happy Memorial Day love BBT and her vest.

I digress. Let’s get to the heart of today’s relevant matters:

1. GET YOUR GD GIRL SCOUT COOKIES AWAY FROM ME

2. Atlanta was excellent. It made me really excited for spring up here…I still believe in seasons, and Mother Nature will reward me for my loyalty.

atl collage From top left:

  • this is something fun you can do in Snapchat – add your mph as you snap! This was taken on a stroll around Chastain Park. #haulingA #tryharder #grannycangofaster
  • Silly Sally!! She was an absolute delight, and a very willing participant in this photo (BBT: do something about your hairs)
  • ATL as seen from Casa di K via the skillz of Professional Snapper, A
  • Ok, this isn’t ATL, it was on the subway the other morning – but is that not B.D. Wong?? I’ve been watching a lot of Law & Order: SVU recently, but I’m pretty sure it’s him…

3. BIG news: I have a new favorite mascara…! My gold standard L’Oreal Voluminous will always have a place in my makeup bag, but I recently purchased L’Oreal Voluminous Butterfly Mascara because who could resist a “revolutionary butterfly brush” that will give my lashes a “winged-out effect.” Turns out – it actually does what it says! I curl my lashes 9 out of 10 times before putting on mascara, but some mornings I’m like, “ain’t nobody got time for that.” The technologically advanced makeup brush really did extend the outer corners of my lashes while providing the usual 6x my normal volume. It absolutely does not replace an eyelash curler, but for those mornings when you just can’t handle that extra, 3 second step, it gets the job done.

l-oreal-paris-voluminous-butterfly-mascara

4. Hello, PornBurger. The craziest thing is that this dude makes all these up himself – I will pay him $1 million to open a restaurant. Or maybe we can just get married?

pornburger_thefullmounty

 oh hey.

5. WHERE IS THAT AIRPLANE? Seriously though – where is it? This is beyond bizarre.

It doesn’t even feel like a Thursday – it feels like a horrible parallel universe version of Thursday that lasts 72 hours and all you want is that glass of wine you’ve legitimately earned (for once) and you can see it but you can’t reach it…. That doesn’t even make sense. I gotta get out of here. Suffice it to say, I am ready for the weekend.

ready to party

 Yep. Happy Weekend from BBT and her vest

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Absence makes the heart grow fonder…

Posted by AllieB on March 6, 2014

…or does it? Sometimes I just want what I want when I want it, and barring access to something that I want seems needlessly cruel. For this reason, I often choose not to partake in Lent – most of the time I fail and then some: I end up doing (eating) whatever it is I decided not to do (eat) even more than I did in the first place. However, now that I am in the latter part of my 31st year, I think maybe I should try adulthood on for size. Challenge: accepted.

This year I am giving up pasta & pizza. Monday thru Thursday this will be a cake walk mmm cake but come Friday, Saturday, and Sunday…well, I’m going to have to dig deep. Every weekend I have one or the other or both, and I am already concerned about what I’ll have instead. Like, seriously, what does one eat on Sunday if not the homemade Fettucini Al Sugo Toscano from Max Trattoria? I guess I’ll find out. This also means no more Pizza Friday….I did not think this through. I wish I’d given up cake.

ravioli - Lent

My Last Supper on Tuesday. I am not even kidding: this meal of Whole Foods Cheese Ravioli on a bed of sauteed spinach is the closest I’ve ever come to Stuffed Pasta Heaven. It goes without saying that I am adroit in the kitchen, particularly when it comes to boiling water, but that crack they put in the ravioli is damn good. You can find these pastas in the refrigerated pasta section at your local Whole Foods.

At least I’m not the only one who’s concerned about making it thru the Lenten season:

Hilary:  yuuuum wait did you give up pasta for lent?

me:  pasta and pizza

Hilary:  oy vey. i thought about giving up fried foods. but i can’t seem to pull the triggeri need to though

me:  it’s really only going to be a problem on the wknds when that’s pretty much all i eat

Hilary:  yeah i’m going to do it. no fried foods for 40 days

me:  there ya go

Hilary:  OMG I WISH I WAS DEAD ALREADY

You’re an inspiration to us all, Hildebeast.

I’m heading south manana!! Ahh, ATL – I have missed you…I’m excited about the following:

  • Seeing G-Force, Geoffrey, and frands. If you’re one of the lucky ones, BOLO for a huge MASH. Hilary, you can BOLO for a cold shoulder and a look of disinterest
  • Driving a car. I miss having a whip. Plus, riding in a car pretty much eradicates any chance of you sitting in a stranger’s lap
  • CHEESE DIP. If you need me, I’ll be by the queso.
  • Weather that is not this. I don’t even bother looking at the forecast anymore – I just automatically don my puffer, boots, scarf, and ear warmers before leaving the house
  • Taking long walks and cozy naps with this ANGEL MUFFIN, Sally, the lab my parents are temporarily hosting via Atlanta Lab Rescue.

SALLY

Ijustwannasqueeeeeeeezeherangelmuffinface

Look at that – me & ATL is a perfect example of absence making the heart grow fonder…guess it can go either way #themindreels

Elsewhere on the interweb:

-Buzzfeed did some good work (The 54 Best GIFs of 2012 & The 41 Most Awkward Things That Have Ever Happened)

The 54 Best Animated GIFs Of 2012

wait for it….

The 41 Most Awkward Things That Have Ever Happened

Awkward Nirvana + Charles Barkley

-Witty + Pretty told the truth about girls and their favorite fat foods in honor of Fat Tuesday.

-WHO IS THE YELLOW KING?? We find out on Sunday…

Guys, I very nearly didn’t write today (I think you can probably see why, if you’ve even made it to the end to read this), but I’ve written every single week of 2014 – can’t let this hot streak fizzle. Happy Thursday to you and yours! A, pour me out some of that hashtagwine in prep for my imminent arrival…

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