Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘my peeps’

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Please stop talking. Also, FREE Chick-fil-A!

Posted by AllieB on December 21, 2010

I just left a happy birthday message for my bestest Juan (happy birthday, JohnnyT!), and, as I was hanging up the phone, I noticed that the call timer was over one minute. I wondered, what on earth did I just say to him for one minute?! The answer: nothing good.

Without any kind of response or barrier, just wide open talking time, things can get really out of hand. My thoughts – which are scattered at best – come out in this mindless drivel that is tedious for the message recipient and outright embarrassing for the message leaver (me).

I recall another message I left my buddy Miguel (strange that the two people I have thus far mentioned have names that are easily translated to Spanish – even stranger that, come to think of it, I actually took Spanish with each of these individuals…) pertaining to a lunch date.

“Michael, it’s Allie. I am calling in reference to our lunch date. I was thinking we might go to Jalisco because it is my favorite place to have Mexican food. We should absolutely get a cheese dip, and I will probably act like I am deciding between a beef soft taco and a cheese quesadilla, but I will ultimately end up ordering both. I hope you call me back before 11 because I am very hungry and you know what happens when I get hungry – my blood sugar drops and I get really cranky. I should probably have a snack now, just in case you don’t call me back before 11. I wonder what I’ll have…maybe some peanut butter crackers…”

And that’s just the part I remember. Ew, it’s even worse seeing it written out like that. Oh GOD what if these people are READING their voicemails via iPhone/Blackberry app or Google Voice?! I’m cringing as I type. The lesson here is clear: after four rings – five, max – hang up the phone.

I went to my first White Elephant Christmas party/gift exchange last night, hosted by Talbott and attended by ten or so. I’m still not entirely sure I understand the premise. Everyone brings an elaborately wrapped gift – I suppose the point is that you want people to choose your gift –  but then people can opt to steal the gift you’ve chosen or open their own gift…and then the person whose gift gets stolen is then given the opportunity to steal another’s gift. Oh. I guess I do get it. Perhaps I’m just not that thrilled with the whole deal because someone STOLE my gift. To the grinch who yanked my bottle o’ red and grapefruit hand cream from Woo: I am not happy.

Lastly – you’re welcome (credit: MPvZB)

http://www.getspicychicken.com/

Posted in Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

Bright Lights, Big City

Posted by AllieB on December 20, 2010

This past weekend I visited my nearest and dearest, Pal “Meat Cleve” Cleveland, in NYC with my other nearest and dearest, Billy Bel. We had hoped to round out our SATC-esque adventure with our fabulous fourth, Sister Pantalones, but due to factors beyond her control she was unable to hop a bird and join us. She was missed.*

There’s nothing like NYC at Christmas! I didn’t even feel embarrassed taking photo after photo of the tree at 30 Rock, or stopping in the middle of very busy crosswalks to get a shot of the Chrysler Building. As you can tell in the latter photo, there was a good bit of jostling going on around me – apparently others did have a problem with my unabashed tourism.

Anyway, we really had the best time, and we had really, REALLY good meals. I had the best pizza I have ever had, ever, at Vezzo in Murray Hill. I didn’t take a photo of it because we were already a subject of ridicule amongst the staff in that they tried to deter us from sitting by giving us padded wait times and saying crap like, “eeeesh, I don’t know, the way things are looking now…it doesn’t look good for you…like at all – you could be waiting for, WOW, I don’t even know how long…”

Thanks, jerk, we’ll just hop next door to the creepy Italian joint decorated solely in Virgin Marys with unforgiving neon lighting and enjoy a $5 glass of house chianti whilst we wait out your alleged “wait.”

It actually did take over an hour, but it was worth it. So worth it that I am glorifying our experience there in spite of the utter rudeness with which we were treated – that’s how big a person I am/how incredible this pizza was.

In addition to tourist activities and food comas, we enjoyed Pal’s neighborhood, a near-death experience in a terrifying cab ride, channeling our inner Goth, and a whole lot of mashing. I would like to comment on how much I appreciate the institution that is brunch in NYC - Hollandaise sauce is my very favorite condiment, and the ginger pomegranate mimosa(s) I tried on Saturday were amazing AND good for my health. ‘Twas a glorious time.

We also took the ferry over to Ellis Island and saw The Statue of Liberty….she’s never looked better.

Credit: Hilary M. Bel

* I mean that sincerely, without any irony.**

**It’s Christmas Week – you’re nice to everyone during Christmas Week.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Woozy & Woozie

Posted by AllieB on December 8, 2010

This weather is making me cross-eyed. I walked outside this am and was greeted with such an aggressive blast of cold air that my eyes kind of glazed over and I was very disoriented – I felt a tad woozy, if you will. It was very off-putting. For some reason, this reminded me of my summer at  Camp Merri-Mac in 1996 (ish): one of my courses was swimming. It was the second or so day of camp, and this girl Fran – whom I could already tell was a real character – came thrashing over to me. Seriously, it was like she was trying to beat up the water; I’ve never seen anything like it.

Fran: Hi Allie!

Me: Hi Fran

Fran: I forgot my prescription goggles, Allie!

Me: Well that’s not good

Fran: I know! So, hey Allie, will you tell me if my right eye wanders??

Somewhat taken aback by such a request, I dutifully checked out her peepers, and, sure enough, she was looking straight at me with the left eye and the right eye was looking pretty much due east. Uh Fran, I think we’ve got a problem…

Meet & Greet: Princess Woozie. She loves tutus, her mom and dad, tug of war, riding shotgun, and rocketing her incredibly long torso across the room. Casey Wa Wa is waiting with breath that is bated for the results from a DNA test, and then we will know what kind of dog she is. In the words of Sis: Merry Christmas, Wa Wa! Who’s yo daddy???

If I could be anywhere in the world right now, doing anything that I wanted, I would be on the sectional at 318 with Woozie and a glass o’ red and a brand new Vanity Fair…watching episodes of Friends and SATC intermittently…and with some sort of delicious food arriving any minute…oh, and there’d be cheerful Christmas carols playing softly in the background. This was a very cruel thing to do to myself.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , | 5 Comments »

There are stupid questions

Posted by AllieB on December 2, 2010

This doesn’t make me sound super cool, but I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. I like to know things, and if I don’t know something about which I am curious I like to research until I can figure it out. Google is my favorite invention, ever. I say that quite literally – I thought about it, and of all the things I make use of on a day to day basis I appreciate Google most. I’m clearly not counting cars and food and wine, etc. I especially adore Google Image – the results to the query “puppies hugging” make me really happy.

MASH!

I get that looking stuff up online can be tedious and often it’s just easier to send a quick chat or email to a friend asking a quick Q, but there are limits. To those who send gchats asking, “how late is Trader Joe’s open?” or, “where is the concert tonight?” or, “what is a salad spinner?” – allow me.

First, I go to www.lmgtfy.com and am presented with the following screen, at which point I type in whatever idiotic question with which I’ve been burdened:

Per the instructions, I click a button – Google Search. The site generates a link, which I then share with the half-wit who has asked me about the salad spinner, whereupon they are firmly put in their place and probably feel like a dunce.

The link: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=what+is+a+salad+spinner

It’s hard not to feel foolish watching the process unfold – the first time it happened to me I think I actually blushed. You sit there, helpless, as the mouse scans over the screen, clicks in the search box and types out the question, then sends you to the actual Google results with a shame-inducing, “was that so hard?”

People don’t always laugh upon receiving this link, but it serves its purpose. Sister suggested that I become a comedienne, and I do not think she was being sincere. Lacy got so sick of it that she actually started looking things up herself. Me, I find it enormously entertaining.

Now, what should I goog…?

Posted in Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Make Someone Uncomfortable Day

Posted by AllieB on November 18, 2010

Fortunately, this is real. Tomorrow, November 19, is the 3rd Annual Make Someone Uncomfortable Day. I’m writing about it today so we all have time to prepare for what awkwardness we might inflict upon our nearest and dearest. There are many people I know whose sheer existence on the planet makes me uncomfortable, so they’re all set – for those of us with slightly more adroit social skillz, here are some ideas from the Facebook page devoted to this noteworthy occasion…(source: sf.funcheap.com, credit: Leila)

It seems that people are posting how they plan to celebrate MSUD on this FB page. The first one I saw distresses me greatly.

I’m going to breastfeed in public:-)

Unless it is Apocalypse Day, that is unacceptable.  Pardon my tirade, but BREAST FEEDING IN PUBLIC IS NOT, NOR WILL IT EVER BE, OKAY. I do not understand why people do not understand this. Sorry – next:

this is funny because tomorrow is also diversity day at our school

Ok, that made me feel uncomfortable….

when you go grocery shopping, instead of shopping from the shelves, start shopping from other peoples shopping carts while they are looking on the shelves. make sure you are in a busy aisle with people looking…

That’s actually kind of funny, and it also goes along nicely with my Grocery Store Shame.

If I had an extra $5k to drop, I would buy this large structured fur headdress because it obviously makes people uncomfortable – both wearer and viewer, apparently. I seriously have not stopped laughing since Bailey sent it to me earlier. What the WHAT is that thing!?

from: SSENSE.COM

ATTN: Mary Cath – given your low threshold for awkwardness, perhaps you should consider staying home. Pal – you could probably be the face of Make Someone Uncomfortable Day – I’ll see if I can nominate you or something. Buff – if you’re looking for an idea as to how you might make people feel awkward, consider doing a split in public; it worked like a charm last Saturday. Leila – it is fitting on many, many levels that you are the one who informed us of MSUD. Thank you for being you.

BOLO for bumbling, bungling encounters…!

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

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