Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘Hilary.’

Roses are red, violets are blue…

Posted by AllieB on February 14, 2013

Happy Valentine’s Day!! In spite of my single-person status, I’m really not some embittered anti-St. Valentine person; I mean, second only to Easter Valentine’s candy is the best, plus my bevy of Secret Admirers is sure to come thru with dozens and dozens of roses and diamond tennis bracelets…besides, Valentine’s Day is for love of all kinds, so, if you think about it, no matter who you are we all have something to celebrate today. Yeah, and mini-giraffes are real. 

Let’s open the Pandora’s Box of my Valentine’s Day history:

-in 2012 my mom made filet mignon with a crack-laced peppercorn sauce, twice baked potatoes, roasted asparagus, and homemade molten chocolate lava cakes for dessert. That > pretty much anything or anyone else you could offer me on Valentine’s Day, except maybe David Beckham/Channing Tatum/the guy in the Calvin Klein ad that’s all over the place right now. Ideally, all three…..

-in 2011 I was in Pakistan. Have you been to Pakistan? Allie: 1, VDay: 0

Ali/Allie Butt

Ali/Allie Butt

-I’m not sure about 2010

-same for 2009

-in 2008 I went to the Pink Pony, which makes perfect sense…pink -> Valentine’s Day. If you’re unfamiliar with the Pink Pony, best to keep it that way.

-ahh, 2007 – an epic evening at Eclipse di Luna

Happy Valentine's Day to my lovely dates

Happy Valentine’s Day to my lovely dates

-jump back to 1998: a guy who I was semi talking to brought me wilted daises with an “It’s a Boy!” card because Kroger was all out of every other kind of card. This was one instance where the thought did not count at all, and nothing would have been infinitely better than something.

So. I don’t know what to say about this. I am 80% laughing, 10% not laughing, 5% nauseous looking at that picture of Hilary, and 5% very uncomfortable with the excessive amount of personal información I just shared. Whatevs – here’s how I feel about that: if you’re a little bummed about your VDay this ought to cheer you up; if you’re feeling a bit superior about your circumstances compared to my own, allow me to assure you that karma does indeed exist and is a real biatch; lastly, if you laughed because you enjoy humor at the expense of others, then it’s safe to say you’re in the right place – you know what they say about great minds thinking alike.

Hell on Earth has a new definition: 4,000 passengers have been stuck on a cruise ship without power (read: no plumbing) and no food for four days. Here’s my takeaway from this Carnival Cruise Line Horror Story that’s been in the news this week:

1. The Carpathia got to the Titanic in six hours in 1912; can someone please explain why these people were stuck in the Gulf of Mexico, a finite body of water, for four days in 2013. (I know there are some different logistics in play here, but from my uninformed  and unresearched perspective, this is completely unacceptable.)

2. Never will I ever step foot on a cruise ship again. I’ll consider a boutique liner in the Adriatic, and a yacht obviously would be fine, but that’s it…

3. The company’s idea of “compensation” for the 4,000 passengers held captive on board is seriously deluded: The cruise line said it would give each passenger $500, a free flight home, a full refund for their trip and for most expenses on board, as well as a credit for another cruise

My reaction would be as follows: <slow shred of voucher to tiny little pieces; silent vow of revenge; put $500 towards Emily Thorne-esque avenger training>

Not that I was in a bad mood this morning, but I’m in a specifically good mood now. Those pandas down there are helping. And I’m wearing a pink skirt – I’m so festive!!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don’t have a date?
At least you’re not on that cruise ship.

Cheers to Thursday!!

bottoms up

bottoms up

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Marla Hooch: What a Hitter

Posted by AllieB on January 24, 2013

It’s not easy doing this – being strung along by the promise of awesomeness and glory, the sweet taste of victory in attainable, if-we-just-make-this-play reach…you know where I’m going with this: such is the life of a Georgia sports fan. I don’t know why the sports gods decided to screw so badly with our heads and hearts this year, but it was not fair. We rose up across the nation, and to no avail. It really sucks.

I pondered this at late nights on occasion in ATL, but now that I’ve moved up here and find myself walking and listening to music simultaneously I think about it a lot: what would my walk-out song be if I were a Braves player? What would blare over the loudspeakers to announce my presence as I sauntered/swaggered to home plate? Don’t scoff, I’m serious. This week my choice is Kashmir by Led Zeppelin, specifically at the 2:00 mark. Next week it might be DMX or Nicki Manaj…but this week it’s LZ.

Sister, yours would be “I’m a Loser Baby” by Beck.

loser

Thank you, Marla Hooch, for taking the time to share your thoughts on BBT today. You probably won’t be invited back.

And now, for the weather. It is soul-crushingly cold in NYC this week.  I’ve heretofore never experienced this kind of chill, where you’re in physical agony after two minutes outside, even when you’re APPROPRIATELY dressed. Never was I ever appropriately dressed in Atlanta. Rain, cold, snow – I just suffered for the 10 second walk to my car and wore backless shirts year round whatever I pleased. Today I am wearing leg warmers seriously, without any irony. I purchased them at American Apparel for a dress-up engagement party (great idea, btw, highly recommend a costume-required engagement party), and I am wearing them today with boots. Y’ALL IT IS COLD. Normally I like to take a stroll during lunch, but this week all I’ve done is take a stroll to the lobby to meet my Seamless delivery dude. People aren’t meant to live like this; I need a full-length mink. Buff, send me yours, I need it more than you do.

so emo

#swaddled #slightlyfurrowed #lusciouslocksthankstoEquinox #thatrhymes #lesmissoundtrack

If I look pissed it’s because I am. It was one degree this morning. ONE DEGREE. Hilary said it best: “That’s not a temperature. A temperature is like 65. Or 85. 1 is like how many pizzas I’d like today. Not a temperature.” Agreed. And now I’ll be ordering pizza for lunch. UPDATE: I went with sushi.

In celeb news…There are few things I love more and am better at handling than being proven wrong. I definitely don’t like to be right all the time, and I’m happy to accept another’s assertion of truth over my own. I trust you all sensed my tone. However, sometimes facts are facts, and I just have to go with it – case in point: this photo of T Swizzle. I’ve called her boring, lame, and even Taylor “what’s that? I just fell asleep” Swift, but she looked pretty smoke at The People’s Choice Awards a couple of weeks ago…not bad, T Swizz, not bad at all.

taylor-swift

This doesn’t mean I like you, but it might mean I recently purchased your newest single. Speaking of celebs! I saw Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef at Raoul’s on Saturday night. She is stunning but would be even more so if she wiped that snarky smirk off her face – she did not look like someone I want to be friends with. I’m really killing it with my celeb sightings.

So, this happened: a couple of Saturdays ago, before the Apocalypse and you could go outside without 18 layers of clothing, I was sitting in Union Square enjoying a nice cup of hot cider from one of the vendors at the park’s Farmers Market, reading my Kindle. I was early meeting people for brunch/lunch, so I sat for a sec, enjoying the mild temp and pleasantly quiet day. OR SO I THOUGHT.

“Hello, excuse me, hi.” The man’s voice startled me, and I sloshed my cider. Annoyed, I was all set to pull my usual avoid-and-ignore move, but I decided to do things differently – I was just a girl, sitting in the park, drinking some hot cider, why couldn’t I have a normal conversation with him.

“Yes, hi,” I responded with a half-smile. A HALF-SMILE!

“Do you mind if I sit down?” Before I could answer, he sat down right next to me – right next to me when I was surrounded by empty benches. My half-smile began to waiver.

“So, what’s your name?” he asked eagerly as he leaned towards me, effectively violating any and all social mandates re: personal space.

“My name is Allie…” I said while I adjusted my position, trying to communicate that he was about six inches closer than what was already too close.

“OH I KNEW IT! I knew your name would be something like Allie!!” What does that even mean? “My name is Alex. But I bet you could have guessed that. Alex and Allie!”

“Yeah, I don’t know that I could have…”

“But who knows? Right? That’s why I just love this f*ckin city. So, Allie, I think we should hang out sometime…” At this point, I started gathering my things – I really did try and be friendly because hey, why not, but he was putting out a weird-and-getting-weirder vibe and he also looked like Voldemort’s rat-like sidekick. I’d had enough.

they weren't identical twins or anything, but that was my first thought: Peter Pettigrew

they weren’t identical twins or anything, but that was my first thought: Peter Pettigrew

He began to protest: “Wait, you’re not leaving! You didn’t even get to hear what I was going to say! I was going to say I wanted to hang out with you and your FRIENDS. Not just YOU! I bet you’ve got cute friends. You can set me up!”

This was too much. “You want to hang out with my friends? You’re using me to get to my friends? Whom you’ve never met? And you want me to make the introduction?” I know I sounded a little incredulous, but this guy was the worst. Plus he was wearing some kind of unpleasantly odorous cologne that was 100% AXE Body Spray, or possibly its generic version. No gracias.

“Sure, why not. Maybe they are nicer than you. Maybe THEY would want to hang out sometime.”

I sensed Alex’s teasing/pouting act was a quick stop on the way to TemperTown, so I bade him farewell and got to to brunch/lunch 20 mins early. I thought I did okay for a first attempt at random conversation with someone whom I initially had wanted to run away from. Another one of my non-resolutions is to, eventually, retire my Flat-Face as it pertains to meeting members of the opposite sex. This will be my Everest.

Did you notice how this kind of read like a newscast? Sports, weather, celeb stuff, wrapping up with a human interest story…  #notmybestwork

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

The Year of the Snake

Posted by AllieB on January 10, 2013

Welcome to 2k13. How’s it going so far? Have you made your New Year’s resolutions and declared abstention from all things evil and pledged allegiance to kale and yoga?  I hate New Year’s ressies – that’s annoying for resolutions – so I think this year I just won’t talk about them.

Except maybe a little because I want do a some humble bragging. In the scant ten days of this year, I have secured an awesome apartment on what could possibly be the most charming block in NYC; I signed over my first born and joined Equinox (I know the year is less than two weeks old, but I feel pretty good about my consistent attendance because I simply cannot reconcile the outrageous cost unless I actually go…even if it’s just to sit in the steam room and take a shower with the Khiel’s products – that obviously still counts); I already got my yearly physical; I have scheduled a trip that includes the use of my passport; I completed my Christmas thank you notes.…y’all, I’m teeing myself up for quite a year.

Let it be said: I do not believe that the manner in which one’s year begins is at all indicative of the course it might take. My 2012 started off in the crapper and wound up being one of my very best. I’m pretty sure that, had it continued on as it started, I likely would’ve ended the year face down in a gutter somewhere, not thriving- THRIVING! – in NYC…we can all be glad things went uphill instead of down.

Puppy break!!

yaaawn

Are you yawning like ze pooches? A couple months of things going well and I’m suddenly the Dalai Lama. If you’re looking for life lessons, keep looking – or hold your horses for a few years until I write my book. Said book will be a lighthearted and breezy, yet substantial and thought-provoking, collection of essays or novel that is neither fiction nor non – it’ll be a little of both. I realize many of you might say, “duh, like a gazillion people have already written that same book”, but most of the ones already written kinda suck, and mine won’t. So, BOLO for that.

I really am excited about my apartment, and I am excited to have visitors – everyone is welcome!!! Except Hilary. There’s no room at the inn for Hilary.

hilary ew

Get away from me, you toadstool. Tybee 2008. I’m restraining myself from having an ALL CAPS panic attack about how long ago 2008 was.

In other news…

Jessica Simpson is ENORMOUS; not due until sometime in 2015

Taylor Swift is sad; sent home alone on boat

The hottest, spiciest meal in the world will make you cry, take a walk, and then hallucinate

I saw Meg Ryan at Mercer Kitchen on Saturday night – she has not aged well…I was a little frightened. I also saw Jake Gyllenhaal in Union Square on New Year’s Eve day…he is my height (5’7″) and kind of needed a shower, but he has a truly dazzling smile.

RISE UP!!!

As an act of respect and admiration, I have chosen to not discuss The Duchess’s pregnancy. I wish her and William the very best, and I, along with the rest of the planet, await with breath that is bated for the newest member of the Royal Family.  It was also Her Highness’s birthday yesterday – how strange that she and I don’t have the same birthday, us being twins and all…

I read over this, and I am uncomfortable with all the heralding I did re: my good fortune, so I will share with you some of the other things I’ve accomplished in 2013 to cut me back down to size:

1. I lost and found my purse six times on Saturday night.

2. The strap to my gym bag broke because it got stuck in my boot heel (fun-da-men-tals). This was a true act of grace on its own, but the real treat was the tumble that ensued as a result…you’re welcome fellow foot commuters on Park between 53rd and 54th.

3. I went for the hug and he went for the handshake.

Proof positive that things are as ever in the life of BBT…

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BBT’s Guide to Giving: You’re on Your Own

Posted by AllieB on December 11, 2012

To those who responded to my survey….thanks. I don’t know if it’s because I was overwhelmed by so many responses (a pleasant surprise), or because I waited longer than my usual 1.5 day turnaround before doing a post, but I’m feeling the opposite of inspired. I asked about gifts for the holidays, y’all all answered, and I’ll sum it up for you: don’t buy anyone socks, clothes for work, and don’t you DARE enroll ANYONE in a jelly of the month club. Also, three people (3 out of the 63 who participated), specifically mentioned not wanting a Nickelback CD. Look, if you’re concerned a Nickelback CD awaits you beneath the tree on Christmas morning, there are issues with which BBT cannot help. My heart goes out to the %.05 of you facing  this imminent doom. Hey, maybe the world will end on 12/21, and then you won’t even have to worry about practicing your “Omigosh I LOVE IT!” face when you open up an NB CD – fingers crossed! Let’s see, what else…I had some really wonderful answers (some of which I may filch for material in the future and claim as my own original work), but also a fair number of really dumb ones. It is possible I didn’t sense your tones, but I don’t think that’s it. Good news is – it was totally anonymous so no judgement! Just me wondering who the H I’m friends with.

Speaking of the people I am friends with, Hilary wants to show off her new Christmas sweater and would also like your help counting her chins:

Sorry your hardwork is going unrewarded…in the future, I think I’ll stick with surveys pertaining to the complex nature of relationships between males and females because that is where my expertise really kicks in. I honestly do feel badly if I’ve let you down – tell you what, if you’re really at a loss re: gift giving, or are just that curious about the results, shoot me an email and I’ll send over some highlights.

Instead of a survey, I’m going to borrow a section from my favorite weekly tabloid, UsWeekly: What’s In My Bag??

1. the bag. I just bought it, and I’m obsessed – thank you, Pinterest. I’d been looking for a new NYC bag for months, and this is perfect. LOVE.

2. umbrella. This is always in my purse when I do not need it; it’s never there when I do

3. earphones (2) – one is the new ear bud from Apple that of course doesn’t stay in my right ear any better than the old, but they suffice for a stroll; the others are the super cute kind that hook over your ear…these are for my yogs/when I am trying to lure members of the opposite sex

4. butterfly clips (9) of various sizes; two hair ties. Given the number of hair-related thingies I carry around, it’s strange if not inexcusable that I am often so unkempt

5. one day I hope to go altogether purseless like Lucy (this seems promising, given the amount of crap I carry around), but for now I’m just walletless – Metro card, *$’s card, work ID, check card, license. My new bag has a perfect place for these – wallet, schwallet.

6. Kindle. It is my most prized possession, I go no where without this thing

7. padlock. I’m currently the member of a pretty sketchy gym – I joined on a whim with a Groupon during Hurricane Sandy because I really wanted to take a shower (they were, of course, closed throughout Hurricane Sandy), and I’ve got 10 days left in my membership. I look forward to not lugging around a lock that weighs 5 lbs. Equinox, here I come.

8. the large blue pouch clearly has in it all the things that you are not allowed to see. My bag – it’s full of secrets…!

9. Vaseline (2) – obvi

10. everything else: gum, gloss, Sabre shades (possibly the most durable sunglasses on the planet), arm band for iPhone (my shuffle is on the DL right now – I hate running with the full size)

11. duh, my work Blackberry. I didn’t downgrade; I’m using my iPhone for the pic. I thought about this oversight on the subway and hurried to correct the omission. God forbid.

That was fun. Don’t you feel like you know me better? Minus all the stuff that’s in the blue pouch…curious much?

DOGS ARE DRIVING CARS. Please click thru and watch this video – even if you only watch like 15 seconds of it, for which you don’t even really need sound, this is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. And I’m not making it up – source is TIME magazine, so it’s legit. Y’all know I don’t talk about vids unless it’s worth your while…plus, it’s in New Zealand and who doesn’t love the Kiwis?  Admittedly, I haven’t watched more than 39 seconds of it, but it was the best 39 seconds of anything I’ve seen in awhile…and now I’m watching it again.

I’m worried that you aren’t going to watch it – here’s a screenshot:

 I die.

THE DUCHESS IS WITH CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BBT is could not be more thrilled. What if she gives birth on my birthday??? What if I am asked to be a godparent??? She’s going to be an adorable preggo person, and I hope she gets well soon. There’ve been a lot of strange things surrounding her pregnancy thus far, and I’m not going to talk about any of them. PLUS, since Kate is with child this means I can completely ignore the fact Jessica Simpson is also – unless she starts to blow up….and here we go again.

And, in that same ALL-CAPS vein, CONGRATS to my big sister Charlotte who’s been working her a** off and has been rewarded as such – can’t wait to see what ends up happening..! And I’m happy to weigh-in where needed; I’m known for being incredibly decisive…as always, it is a pleasure being related to you.

Lastly, did I mention that I saw the van up here a few weeks ago? There she was, just chillin in Chinatown. Wherever I go, so, too, goes the van.

 

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Did someone eat an onion bagel?

Posted by AllieB on October 9, 2012

Long time, no see! I kind of meant to give BBT a makeover before I wrote again, but that requires time and effort, the former of which I have little and the latter…well, you know how I do with things that require effort. Nevertheless I decided touching base was more important than a new face (that rhymes), so here I am. Hello.

What have I been up to, you ask? Let’s go with the list approach:

1. I moved to New York! 100 points to Gryffindor, because I love it. Honestly, I haven’t been around that much due to an aggressive Fall Wedding Schedule (FWS henceforth), but I’m making the transition pretty smoothly. Turns out someone with my skills and background is very much in demand, and I got job at a reputable, heard-of company doing legitimate, paycheck-worthy tasks, so that’s good – I really like it so far. NYC is a tough place to be sans income.

I call this one “Skyscrapers” – Empire State; Chrysler Building; Twin Towers

Moving here is by far the best idea I’ve ever had, and I don’t know why it took me so long to figure this out. I think I was like half-dead in Atlanta or something; I’m pretty sure we can all agree I was not maximizing my potential as a person. Ever since I made up the saying “wherever you go, you’re still there”, I’ve realized that a change of scenery can be just what the doctor ordered, but it also isn’t a magical panacea that fixes everything. NYC is giving me the kick in the pants I sorely needed, but now it’s up to me to actually dooooooo something – which I fully believe I will. Ok, I can ramble on forever using stale cliches and ruminating on abstract notions, so I’ll shut it down. In conclusion: me + NYC = good.

2. Weddings are happening.

Hadley and Greg’s wedding in Newport!

From top left: wedding day with the class of 2001; the somewhat picturesque altar at White Castle Inn where they exchanged vows (and the microphone into which I read my reading, which did not work despite the rigorous testing that occurred minutes previous; I handled it like champ, totally unruffled, even when the plane flew overhead thereby completely drowning me out…other people’s weddings are all about me, right?); besties at the clam bake; a historical mansion in Newport with a two-story funhouse water slide (I found this strange.)

3. Happening some more…

Hilary and Jim’s wedding in Savannah!!

From top left: the perfect reception accessory; rear view photography by B.Ward; Agnes and Jim (this is not at the wedding, but Agnes is in a life jacket, so I stuck it in there anyway); Pal-Bert-Mrs. BillyBelShipley-Pants; Savannah Yacht Club vista

4. I think you can guess where I’m going with this

Jennifer and Alex’s wedding in Sandestin!

From top left: four favorites at the Rehearsal D.; #nofilter pic of Rehearsal D at Bentley’s on the Bay; BEAUTIFUL BRIDE; bride & groom (credit: Heather); my margarita enjoying the beach

I’ll tell you, if you’ve gotta have four of your nearest and dearest get married within six weeks of each other, I hope you’re as lucky as I am in that they are all incredibly breezy, laidback, obviously beautiful brides whom you genuinely enjoy celebrating. I’d have gladly gone to Pigeon Forge for these girls, but I’m glad I got to go to the beach instead. Three down, one to go…I’ll see you in nine days, Pants.

5. In my sixth grade Language Arts class I was taught that a list/outline should always be constructed in odd numbers.

I’ve got lots more where this came from – I didn’t even go into the story about the broad-backed beast of a girl who stole the bagel OUT OF MY HANDS at Starbucks in Bryant Park, or the pre-school teacher who accosted me in the bathroom at Frankie’s 570  in the West Village to talk about AND show me her FUPA, but I promise I’ll be back…have a nice Tuesday, if that’s even possible – Tuesdays are still the worst day. Oh, here – this proves my point nicely: I searched random holidays that fall on October 9, and I found this…that’s right….Happy Moldy Cheese Day.

Bummer.

*Today’s title obviously pays homage to one of my top 5 movies, Devil Wears Prada, but it also describes me on Bagel Friday. Every Friday at work there is a huge spread of bagels (which is awesome), and last Friday I found myself engaged in a “getting-to-know-you” conversation with someone who had indeed just eaten an onion bagel. Onion bagels should disallowed in the workplace; onion bagels and tuna salad are herewith banned.

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