Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

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Posts Tagged ‘wrong. so wrong.’

Roses are red, violets are blue…

Posted by AllieB on February 14, 2013

Happy Valentine’s Day!! In spite of my single-person status, I’m really not some embittered anti-St. Valentine person; I mean, second only to Easter Valentine’s candy is the best, plus my bevy of Secret Admirers is sure to come thru with dozens and dozens of roses and diamond tennis bracelets…besides, Valentine’s Day is for love of all kinds, so, if you think about it, no matter who you are we all have something to celebrate today. Yeah, and mini-giraffes are real. 

Let’s open the Pandora’s Box of my Valentine’s Day history:

-in 2012 my mom made filet mignon with a crack-laced peppercorn sauce, twice baked potatoes, roasted asparagus, and homemade molten chocolate lava cakes for dessert. That > pretty much anything or anyone else you could offer me on Valentine’s Day, except maybe David Beckham/Channing Tatum/the guy in the Calvin Klein ad that’s all over the place right now. Ideally, all three…..

-in 2011 I was in Pakistan. Have you been to Pakistan? Allie: 1, VDay: 0

Ali/Allie Butt

Ali/Allie Butt

-I’m not sure about 2010

-same for 2009

-in 2008 I went to the Pink Pony, which makes perfect sense…pink -> Valentine’s Day. If you’re unfamiliar with the Pink Pony, best to keep it that way.

-ahh, 2007 – an epic evening at Eclipse di Luna

Happy Valentine's Day to my lovely dates

Happy Valentine’s Day to my lovely dates

-jump back to 1998: a guy who I was semi talking to brought me wilted daises with an “It’s a Boy!” card because Kroger was all out of every other kind of card. This was one instance where the thought did not count at all, and nothing would have been infinitely better than something.

So. I don’t know what to say about this. I am 80% laughing, 10% not laughing, 5% nauseous looking at that picture of Hilary, and 5% very uncomfortable with the excessive amount of personal información I just shared. Whatevs – here’s how I feel about that: if you’re a little bummed about your VDay this ought to cheer you up; if you’re feeling a bit superior about your circumstances compared to my own, allow me to assure you that karma does indeed exist and is a real biatch; lastly, if you laughed because you enjoy humor at the expense of others, then it’s safe to say you’re in the right place – you know what they say about great minds thinking alike.

Hell on Earth has a new definition: 4,000 passengers have been stuck on a cruise ship without power (read: no plumbing) and no food for four days. Here’s my takeaway from this Carnival Cruise Line Horror Story that’s been in the news this week:

1. The Carpathia got to the Titanic in six hours in 1912; can someone please explain why these people were stuck in the Gulf of Mexico, a finite body of water, for four days in 2013. (I know there are some different logistics in play here, but from my uninformed  and unresearched perspective, this is completely unacceptable.)

2. Never will I ever step foot on a cruise ship again. I’ll consider a boutique liner in the Adriatic, and a yacht obviously would be fine, but that’s it…

3. The company’s idea of “compensation” for the 4,000 passengers held captive on board is seriously deluded: The cruise line said it would give each passenger $500, a free flight home, a full refund for their trip and for most expenses on board, as well as a credit for another cruise

My reaction would be as follows: <slow shred of voucher to tiny little pieces; silent vow of revenge; put $500 towards Emily Thorne-esque avenger training>

Not that I was in a bad mood this morning, but I’m in a specifically good mood now. Those pandas down there are helping. And I’m wearing a pink skirt – I’m so festive!!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don’t have a date?
At least you’re not on that cruise ship.

Cheers to Thursday!!

bottoms up

bottoms up

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Seattle: The Sunshine State

Posted by AllieB on July 30, 2012

Should you find yourself planning a trip with me that includes flying on an airplane, do yourself a favor and don’t. Or at least book a different flight; it’s become glaringly obvious that I am the proverbial black cat of air travel. Exhibit A: the woman who died on my plane to my France. That sucked. I know it was way worse for her, obviously, and her loved ones, but it was no picnic for yours truly, either. Exhibit B: my flight to Seattle last week. I was in an exit row, enjoying the leg room and another chilling Lisa Gardner mystery, when I heard a loud thud. I didn’t even look up – I already knew I wanted nothing to do with what was happening. Sure enough, a woman had passed out standing up and fell down, breaking her pelvis in the process. Having no medical background, I didn’t feel the need to join the crowd gathering around her, and I figured someone had to man the exit row anyway…I’m not totally useless in emergency situations, but I’ve learned that sometimes it’s best to just stay clear of the fracas. I guess Exhibit B isn’t so bad, and had I been sitting elsewhere on the plane I probably wouldn’t have even known about the incident, but that’s kind of my point – I always seem to be in close proximity to ground zero of the trauma.

Anyway – Seattle! Great city. We even had awesome weather, which is kind of unheard of given there is some sort of precipitation 220 days out of the year. Bleak. Here are some pics. Neat.

Vistas! Elliot Bay; Space Needle at night; Mt. Ranier

if you don’t love sea otters, you are probably dead inside

I tried on Avatar shoes at an Avatar exhibit – they fit perfectly :|

The end. It was great having all six of us together, and I even got to see NANDI – good times, y’all, good times…

Now I have to move out of my apartment, and I have no idea where to start. Moving is the worst. Does anyone want to buy a couch/table/bed/dresser/another table/rug/rug again/arm chair? A, the tv’s got your name on it…let me know.

Oh. I was WILDLY incorrect re: my crush on Ryan Lochte. Retract!!! In spite of winning first place on Saturday, he is nevertheless a complete and total LOSER. I think it surprises no one that he lives in…wait for it…Gainesville, Florida. He would. And it gets worse! I just goog’ed Ryan Lochte grill and it turns out he has several and has been wearing them at medal ceremonies for years – it seems that custom-made bedazzled grills are his “thing”…I just threw up a little.

“Yes, I am wearing one in London, and I wear them because they are different and fun. That’s my personality,” Ryan told USA Today.

And on that note, I bid you farewell. Take solace in the fact that, no matter how mis your Monday is, at least you’re cooler than this guy. You might not be in as good shape as he is and you probably have fewer Olympic medals, but you’re definitely cooler.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

A year older, wiser, awesomer

Posted by AllieB on June 20, 2012

Thanks for all the birthday love!! I have a feeling 29 is going to be my year. Seriously – good things are in the mix for BBT, so BOLO for that. An extra special thank you to Tina, who put her exceptional photo-shopping skills to good use and made me this:

The Royal Couple. Let it be known that I don’t have a crush on William, my crush is on Kate…and her glorious hair. On a different note, I hear they’re planning a remake of Single White Female?

I’d like to also give a little shout-out to 5 Seasons Brewery on the Westside for proffering such a pleasant spot and service for the celebration of moi. Their pizza: meh (I’m pretty sure it’s gluten-free, which pizza should never be), their crab ragoons/flash-fried dumpling goodness: AMAZING. It’s kind of a random, not-oft-thought-of spot, but their patio is great, especially once the sun goes down, and the view is lovely – I do love a good vista!

Clockwise from top: FRIENDS! Dunce Hat (remember the brewery debacle of Oct 2k10? I’ve come such a long way since then). Thank you, Perez.

I’m having quite the love affair with the Westside right now…the JCT Rooftop Bar is absolutely idyllic for happy hour (rose, anyone?), and JCT’s Sunday Supper is really a must-do. For $24 you get homemade biscuits, a deviled egg, a nature salad (lot’s of nature in that thing, thankfully no peas – tis delish), then you choose a meat for yourself and then pick three sides for the table. I went with Mr. and Mrs. Baxter on Sunday, and I got the fish and grits (tile fish served on a bed of grits, which actually meant I got an extra fourth side…if I know how to do anything, it’s order), and then we shared sweet corn with bacon and bleu cheese, a summer squash saute, and fresh tomatoes with a light brushing of E.V.O.O. and ground pepper. OMG YUM. We also had a nice malbec, and the whole evening was very pleasant. BBT: HIGHLY recommends.

I updated my Book List.

Obsessed with this nail polish (gracias, Dinka!) – both color and name:

essie – off the shoulder

LeAnn Rimes is the worst, and this latest gaffe really takes the cake (wordplay): check out the birthday treat she designed for her now-husband’s birthday. I say “now-husband” because he was married to someone else when they started seeing each other. In case you can’t tell, it’s her and hubby cuddling in bed on the top layer with his two children sitting alone at the bottom. Someone should call child services.

Wrong. So Wrong. (via UsWeekly)

Get after it – it’s humpday!

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

YOU are very creepy

Posted by AllieB on October 20, 2011

You know what makes me uncomfortable? Besides the obvious responses of close-talking, Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance, and really really really – like, really – short people, the thing that makes me most uncomfortable is the COMMENTS section on large-scale websites. Take NYMag, for instance. Their Fashion segment, The Cut, posted a picture of Jennifer Aniston at some event recently in some very short low-cut shiny dress. She looked great (pregs???), but great. It commented on the labels she sported and that was about it….but then…the comments.

MAGSTOCK: If she was pregnant, her boobs wouldn’t be so empty and lo. Pregnancy makes your boobs round, full and beautiful. Not what she has there..

QUALITO: She looks like a aging mother of three, who’s lost all her money at the Vegas casinos, so she finds the nearest Filene’s Basement or Ross For Less, and buys the cheapest low-cut outfit she can find and then hits the lounge at the MGM Grand. No need for bra or panties. They’ll just get in the way of business.

REMAINING_ANONYMOUS: Short OR low-cut, not both. The dress would be much better IMHO with a boat neckline and if she stood with her arms in such a position that would highlight the dolman sleeves.

Join me in my discomfort, won’t you? These are but three of 33 comments – most of them snarky, judgmental, and straight up creepy. Who ARE these people??? I imagine that at least 100% of them live in their parents’ basement and are actively involved in local Cuddle Parties. SNL did a skit this fall aptly named The Comments Section where they brought three homely and socially awkward people on stage, exposed their blogging comments, and then sucker punched them all in the stomach. Ha.

Fortunately, despite rising in the WWW ranks from 9,623,940 to 6,176,867 in the last week (holla), BBT doesn’t get many weird ass comments. One person got really mad at me for making fun of Hilary Duff’s novel - really? – but besides that, nada. This is good, given how uncomfortable they make me.

THURSDAY! It’s f’ing cold, but at least it’s Thursday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANI!!!! And to P, but I’m guessing P doesn’t hit up BBT all that much. Tonight we’re going bowling to celebrate, and I’m very excited because I LOVE bowling and am really good at it about 1 out of every 3 times. I have very fond memories of the bowling league of 2k6. Baberham Lincoln was our team name. Questionable. Don’t forget socks!

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

That’s Enough Advice, Bark Twice

Posted by AllieB on April 14, 2011

For my third advice column, I’m doing actual questions asked by actual people…ish. I liberally paraphrased the following questions from multiple convos with multiple people, but I can do that because I call the shots around here.

Dear BBT,

I want to meet new boys – where/how can I do that?

-Single and Ready to Mingle

Dear Never Refer to Yourself as “Ready to Mingle” Again,

Service projects! Philanthropic social events! match.com! Irby Avenue!

I really have no idea. But what I do know is this: leave :| at home – no one wants to talk to Flat Face.

Dear BBT,

My friend is such a drama queen and I really don’t think I can take it anymore. I don’t want her to think I don’t care, but I also don’t think I can handle another second of her bitching and moaning. Thoughts?

-End of My Rope

Dear Join the Club,

Take it easy, JtC – being dramatic about another’s drama helps no one…I think lots of times people just go thru phases where they have their head so far up their own ass that they don’t know up from down. Maybe take a little breather – go invisi on gchat, hang out with a different group of friends for the weekend…sometimes space is the best medicine.

This is not good advice – space is the best medicine?? I really don’t know what to say…YOU’RE a drama queen.

Maybe I’m not as good at the wisdom imparting as I thought. I think I’ll stop now.

It’s just as well, anyway, because Zirkle #3 shared with me an amazing blog that is equal parts fascinating and terrifying – not only in subject matter, but also re: the domepiece of its creator. There’s obscure…and then there’s morphing famous celebs with Steve Buscemi’s eyes.

Anne Hathaway + Steve Buscemi's eyes = nightmares 4 life

I am repulsed, yet I can’t look away. There are so many awesomely horrible ones…Heidi is a favorite,  and the Kardashians…here – have a gander: Chicks with Steve Buscemeyes.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »