Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘j simps’

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If you have to ask, the answer is no

Posted by AllieB on January 5, 2012

Oh, look – it’s Jessica Simpson. My biggest concern, I think, is that she’s so top-heavy she’s going to topple over. To quote a wise acquaintance, she looks like a kite – a very large, incapable of ever possibly taking flight kite. WHY DOES SHE REFUSE TO HIRE A STYLIST.

Gracias, Y Kenna.

J Simps is a great segue to my next subject – you know she sends some seriously manic texts: “I’M OUT OF CHOCOLATE OH WAIT I JUST FOUND SOME CRUMBS IN MY CIRCLE SCARF PLEASE BRING ME SOME CHEETOS WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU?!” … or something like that. Please refer to the flow chart below. ErinD sent it to me, and I got a kick out of it largely because I have a history of sending the most redonkulous texts ever. I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I should compile a coffee table book or similar. (It should be noted that people on the receiving end of these messages have never made such a suggestion.) Back in the day, I could have had my very own thumbnail on Texts From Last Night. Luckily, I’m totally in control of the disorder nowadays – much to the relief of everyone in my phone book.

Even if I’d had access to this during my texting heyday, I’m not sure it would have helped – namely because I can’t read from right to left or down to up, but also because it’s completely extraneous. Allow me (this is my maiden flow chart, so bear with me):

Personally, I think my guide proffers a much simpler solution to all texting malfeasances. And it would behoove me to take my own advice….wisdom: imparted.

Thursday!!

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , | 9 Comments »

Enlighten me.

Posted by AllieB on December 1, 2011

Forget my lame suggestion of ties yesterday, if you’re willing to fork over $750, THIS is what you should buy the guy in your life:

It’s The BEASTIE BOYS! Per NYMag: Packaged in a handsome metal box are three eleven-inch dolls — fully poseable! — each with their own stands, white jumpsuits, goggles, work boots, and safety vests. (Who knew these rebels were OSHA compliant?) Tossed in for good measure is the two-disc deluxe version of their Sounds of Science. Yes, at $750 it’s a bit pricey for a meta-gift, but proceeds from all sales are split between two charities that benefit kids with cancer.

Fully poseable?! Who could pass. You’re welcome.

For this week’s Confounding Conundrum, I share with you the pictorial comparison below. Shown are two women: both are approximately 5’2″ and share the same thick trunk/shoulder/no-neck body type; both are five months pregnant.

And I guess the similarities end there, because evidently Hillary Duff is giving birth to a newborn human, whereas Jessica Simpson is giving birth to Shaq. I do wish that Hillary had on tights or a longer skirt, but for the most she looks pretty great. And it’s not that Jessica looks bad, per se, it’s that she still has FOUR MONTHS TO GO. This begs the question – what on earth is she growing in there?

I am reminded of the classic film, Men in Black. Rookie agent, Will Smith, is new on the job and is innocently helping a woman he believes to be human deliver her child. Everything is going as well as it could be, when BOOM!

Squid baby.

All I’m saying is: if I were Eric What’s-His-Face, I’d stick out the delivery in the waiting room, just to be safe.

Happy Birthday to BOBBY! BBT hearts you. XX

Take it easy and just be breezy. Yours in ridicule,

Baxter Bark Twice

LEST I FORGET: My friend Helen’s biz, H&H Home, will be featured as part of One Kings Lane’s signature Tastemaker Tag Sale series:  One Kings Lane will be offering our vintage and one-of-a-kind items at up to 50% off retail, starting TONIGHT, December 1st at 6:00 PM PST / 9 PM EST. Our Collection includes a curated assortment of newly finished, never-before-seen items hand-selected by H&H Home. To learn more, and preview the collection, visit www.handhhome.com. To join One Kings Lane and shop OUR sale, go to https://www.onekingslane.com/sales/12418 

ALSO: Scout for the Home is open til 8 tonight and will be serving wine. Scout is a great place to buy smaller items for the home/gifts…think mothers, sisters, friends and the like.

Posted in Celebs, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

This thing doesn’t make me any money; sometimes I am lazy

Posted by AllieB on November 1, 2011

Hello, I’m back. You can step away from the ledge/put away the noose – I’m back.

Let’s see – where were we….

I went to Taste of Atlanta. It was fun! We had some very tasty treats, with one of the faves being the meatball slider from from No. 246 in Decatur (owned by same peeps who own JCT), which I’d already heard great things about from K, and I am very proud of myself for really taking advantage of my city. Not only did we spend several hours at the festival, but we retreated to the rooftop retreat at the Hotel Palomar-now-Renaissance Inn in Midtown and enjoyed a cozy fire pit and very tasty jalepeno margaritas. I think that’s what they were.

from top: hilarity with a cityscape; El’s snazzy bedazzled clips from Medusa; couch closeness with Caro

Georgia BEAT FLORIDA.

Jessica Simpson…is going to be a mommy. She did not sell this information to any tabloid – probably because people who were going to pay her were like, nevermind we all have eyes that can see – and Respect for the way she chose to finally come forward: as a mummy. Get it – wordplay! Who knew she had it in her.  Also, is she due tomorrow because that is a sizable baby bump. I just don’t get why she didn’t come forward sooner…if people kept calling me fat yet I knew it was because I was giving birth imminently, I think I’d speak up.

Kim Kardashian is getting a divorce…I love how no one’s even pointing fingers at who did what wrong – this was clearly a business plan, plain and simple, and now they’re free to carry on with their lives, just several million dollars richer. I wonder what Kim will do with all the gifts she registered for. I still cannot get over the fact that she registered for gifts – she really ought to be ashamed of herself. Whatever, I don’t like Kim at all. She looks like a wax figure of herself and her rear end is truly confounding. Kim, you’re fired (from BBT).

I’ve said it before – about blogging again after not blogging for awhile and how it is not at all like riding a bike because it’s quite difficult to get back into the swing of things…welp, case in point. I always recover though. I’m nothing if not driven.

Did you see how I added a Pinterest sidebar?? I freaking love Pinterest. Click thru on “more pins” to see my carefully curated masterpieces.

On this day in 2010: I wrote a post called Bookshelf Porn. The end.

Posted in Arbitrary, Food & Drink | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »

This is happening

Posted by AllieB on October 21, 2011

The world of celebrities has been a hot topic on BBT this week, and for that I apologize.

Jessica Simpson is pregnant. At least that’s what OK Magazine is saying. She was holding out for someone to buy exclusive rights to the news of her pregnancy for $500,000 before she’d willingly confirm it. Yep, she runs a billion dollar company, and that’s what her unborn child is worth: a measly half-mil. On behalf of the fetus, I am indignant.

The jig, as they say, is decidedly up. (The Scoop)

I think I’m going to go to the Taste of Atlanta this weekend – with weather like this, I’d be cRaZy not to. I’ll take some pics with someone’s iPhone and share them next week – the variety of restaurants and their respective menus look amazing.

For the record, bowling last night was awesome and I really hope it becomes a standard wintertime activity. Competitive/Game-time Allie joined us only briefly, and, after I dominated the first round, I was able to settle down into breezy mediocrity for the duration. In addition, people told me I was “annoying to bowl with” so I read between the lines and decided to take it down a notch. Also, Midtown Bowl has surprisingly delicious food…Caro got a grilled cheese on whole wheat that looked awesome, and the fried okra was more than decent. Who knew. Plus, they have jello shots. Tell me again why we don’t go here more often?? Oh yeah – the bowling shoes….I GET IT. I HAVE BIG FEET.

Happy Weekend! Baxter, out.

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs, Food & Drink | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

Large and in charge

Posted by AllieB on October 12, 2011

Well. I am pleased to report that my contest is off to a roaring start with FIVE new Facebook likes since my post on Monday. World domination is at my finger tips, I can feel it…honestly, this is kind of pathetic. Even my horoscope said social media was where I’d really shine this week – damn horoscopes. PX, go like BBT. I’m not going just “give” you the gift card- you don’t even have an iPhone. Only 50 or so hours until I choose a winner…the clock is ticking…

Last night I went to see the Picasso to Warhol exhibit at the High. It opens to the public on Saturday, but G-force and I went because she’s a member of sorts and they invited her to see it early. They had a lot of really famous works that are cool to see (it all came from the MoMA in NYC), so it’s not just the big names to lure you in then only a few lame sketches. I highly recommend going to see this; you have through April.

In addition – and I don’t know if you knew this – I was an art history major in college with a concentration in modern art, so I was really in my element. And by “element” I mean I’m pretty sure I recognized some of the art from one of the classes I think I took…as you might expect, this degree has done wonders for my career and I am shooting up the corporate ladder as we speak.

I’m sorry, there’s no way she’s not pregnant:

She is one busty lady…my goodness.

And last but certainly not least, one of my oldest and favorite friends, MKPyles, turns 30 tomorrow..!!! Join me, won’t you, in celebrating his birth at Kramer’s. I hear there will be balloons.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , | 5 Comments »

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