Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘my personal hell’

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Give an inch and they’ll take a mile

Posted by AllieB on May 17, 2012

If you live in Atlanta like I do, then you’ve been inundated with the arrival of the latest Willy’s spin-off, Lime. Do not go to there. Even if your co-workers are all, “hey, let’s check out that new place Lime!” say, in a strong, stern, slightly assertive voice, “No, thank you.” It’s just not good. They’re trying way too hard to be good, and it’s embarassing for everyone. I went the other day because I had a coupon for a free taco it’s close to work/my house, and it was a mistake. K, I should’ve listened to you. I guess their salsa bar featuring 7 different salsas is ok, and the quesadilla wasn’t horrible, but their CHIPS (the standard by which all tex-mex restaurants should be judged, IMO) are awful. Might as well bust open a bag of Tostitos and call it a day. BBT says: pass. The good news is…. Barberitos is opening in The Peach Shopping Center!! Yes, it’s true, and I’m so excited.

I’ve come to the conclusion that people who cut hair are taught that the measurement “one inch” actually means “as much as you want plus a little more”. I got my hair cut yesterday, and when I told her I wanted only a teeeeeny tiny bit trimmed she said, “Sure! We’ll only take off half an inch – three-fourths of an inch at most.” I was so excited – finally someone who understood me. Well, the only way she took off half an inch is if by inch she meant FOOT. This is ridiculous. I was in a rush post-appointment to get another much more urgent appointment, so I didn’t take the time to check out the damage, but I’m not happy. It’s too bad I don’t drive that minivan anymore because I finally look the part. Flat.Face.

48 Things That Will Make You Feel Old. Enjoy!! What an uplifting start to my day – thanks, YKenna. Pardon me while I go get my personal affairs in order…

good god. We're as old as the dinosaurs

Ah, this helps: 37 People Who Have No Idea What They’re Doing.

Dad on the subway: you're doing it wrong!

Thirsty Thursday!! Have a wonderful day, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and always remember that three rights make a left.

*A special thank you to LucyC for ensuring my grammatical accuracy.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Boundaries 101

Posted by AllieB on April 13, 2011

YES!!! J Simps is talking in public again. She’s one of People’s Most Beautiful People for 2011, and, in the grand tradition of throwing herself under the bus whenever a potentially positive situation presents itself, she offered this sound bite in her interview:

Being well-endowed since sixth grade, the blonde bombshell points out that “there’s no way to hide them as much as you want to bandage your boobs down.” Simpson, 30, has since learned to embrace her chest as her “best accessory,” telling PEOPLE, “Now I can make my way in and out of parking tickets: Show the girls and give a wink!”

We get it: you have big boobs. This is not brand new information and now is certainly not the time to draw attention to the fact… Yes, you are attractive and I’m sure people in Middle America find you endearing, but your marketable appeal is more that you run a billion dollar fashion company that basically prints money. So…please stop talking about “the girls.” Really. Just stop.

This week’s Do Not Want features a completely creepy new trend called the “Cuddle Party.”

A Cuddle Party is: A structured, safe workshop on boundaries, communication, intimacy and affection. A drug and alcohol-free way to meet fascinating people in a relaxing environment….this playful, fun workshop has been a place for people to rediscover non-sexual touch and affection…a great networking event to meet new friends, roommates, business partners and significant others.

How unpleasant. I’m sure Cuddle Party Rule #1 is meant to assuage my discomfort, but WHY ARE THEY IN THEIR PAJAMAS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

  1. Pajamas stay on the whole time.

Let’s play Would You Rather: would you rather attend a Cuddle Party for five minutes, or drink a cocktail of three-day-old chili and dip spit. I would choose the latter twice, perhaps thrice, over a CP. I really think I would.

Sister gets credit for Cuddle Party (you would), and I read about the chili/spit concoction in the WSJ a few weeks ago – this jokester Livian Hernandez is a catcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks, and sipping on sludge is the least of his shenanigans. He once ate 11 bananas in four minutes. Shenanigans, I tell you!

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

Might I suggest an alternative method of transport

Posted by AllieB on September 9, 2010

I never thought that I would appreciate MARTA, or that it could possibly be the better option in comparison to another city’s public transit system, but I stand corrected.

Perhaps the concept of personal space simply doesn’t exist in Japan – that’s the only explanation for the apparent tolerance of this inhumanity. I’m having an anxiety attack just watching it. BOUNDARIES, PEOPLE.

Oh my god.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

There are other virtues

Posted by AllieB on August 25, 2010

I’m fairly certain that even the most patient of people have a bout of road rage every now and again. For those of us decidedly lacking in the patience arena, these “episodes” are not infrequent.

I am slightly irked when someone cuts me off then proceeds to travel at a speed that I could surpass on foot. I am somewhat ticked off by random road construction and inconvenient detours. But I am legit furious when some halfwit thwarts my progress through a crowded intersection – that is when I cross over to the dark side.

It happens like this: some jackass decides the NO TURN sign hanging in plain view doesn’t apply to him, and everyone else is forced to just sit there as the traffic piles up, enduring the agony of watching the light change to yellow then red…..AAARGH it just makes me so MAD!!!

I’m a little riled up right now just thinking about it.

While I may not be patient, I am relentlessly optimistic and can find a silver lining on even the darkest of clouds. Today, my sunny outlook on life has reminded me that it’s a good thing I do not live in China, for this simply wouldn’t do.

People were stuck in this SIXTY MILE traffic jam for TEN DAYS. I would off myself.

Monica: Ross, are you okay?

Ross: I’m fine! I saw a psychiatrist at work today.

Monica: Why?!

Ross: On account of my rage.

-The One With Ross’s Sandwich

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

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