Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘shameful post’

Stuff No One Thinks About Except Me

Posted by AllieB on September 3, 2015

*barked while my Sweet Corn and Zucchini Pie bakes

Oh hello. How was your summer?

Mine was uneventful – I took night classes at a depressing Kaplan center in Midtown West to brush up on quadratics and other maths, and I have no tanlines to speak of, but we did hike Machu Picchu in May! Make sure that’s on your bucket list – it’s as amazing as all the pictures suggest. And, while you can do it in one day by taking a train up, it is quickly turning into an overrun tourist madhouse and we actually preferred the hiking part over the site itself – you know what they say about the journey vis a vis the destination. Should you opt for the train you will still get your scenery shots, but your experience will undoubtedly be marred by tourists. People, it turns out, are generally the worst. We did a three night hike to get there, and it was not easy, but it was awesome, and everything about the way REI organized and executed all that goes into taking a group of 9 silly Americans on a treacherous hike through the Inca Trail was amazingly well done. BBT gives it all the stars. If you would like to know more…I wrote a review on the REI website because of course I did – posted here (it’s the first one by “notahiker1”).

peru

Clockwise from top left: dancing with my new non-scary clown friend; Christmas Card 2k15; there she is – notahiker1; dawn’s filtered light over Mt Salcantay; day 5 in a row for those clothes/that hair; MP from the Sun Gate; not from the trip – that is the aforementioned Corn & Zucchini Pie, it’s delicious and there’s no pie crust or mayo so it’s basically kale

Insider Tip: if you’re packing for a camping trip in the Andes when you’ve never been on a camping trip in the Andes, it’s smart to pay special attention to what the packing list suggests. Also, when the forecast calls for freezing temps at night, it’s wise not to assume you’ll “be fine” with whatever you “tossed in” and tell those who warn against this sound reasoning that “it’s never as cold as they say it’s going to be” ALLIE BAXTER DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM LAST WINTER anyway… I was a little chilly.

Stuff No One Thinks About Except Me:

I heart Spotify. I pay $9.99/month for the premium subscription, and it’s by far my favorite music app. I signed up for the three month trial of Apple Music and did not like it one bit – it’s confusing and not user friendly and I need to cancel that before I start getting charged. Sometimes, after I’ve reached the end of the internet, I will check out my Recently Played List – both mine and other people’s; if someone has a list of 10 EDM artists, you know they had a slightly different weekend than the person who’s been tuning into Soothing Study Songs…it’s sort of a Peeping Tom of tunes. And that’s #notcreepyatall. Let’s see what mine says about me, according to me.

spotify

I feel like I just invited you to rifle through the drawers of my bedside table…whatever - judge away, GlassHouseDwellingStoneThrowers.

Should I get an Apple Watch?

Decision pending further research.

I’m doing ClassPass. 

The neat thing about ClassPass is how you can really have some fun with your fitness…did I just say “fun with fitness”? I’ve gone now to two boot camp classes at Evolve Fitness. Evolve Fitness is on the 3rd floor of a pre-school school on 52nd and 3rd, but don’t let the makeshift appearance fool you because Kenny and Norberto are not messing around. You’re there to work, and, in my case, wow people with my brute strength. Last week Kenny had us do a rigorous segment of push-ups, of which I can do zero. I tried to explain this to him, that I wasn’t being lazy but I honestly can’t do full push-ups…

Me: Kenny, I think it’s best if I start with the knees, I can’t do them the real way

Kenny: You’re new here, so I won’t yell at you, but NO. ALL THE WAY DOWN and ALL THE WAY UP

Me: What about injuries?

Kenny: You’re gonna hurt yourself doing a push-up?

Me: Kenny, I really might. I’ll do extra kettle swings!

Kenny: Let me see you try at least one. <He watched in what was first amazed then what I inferred to be disgusted silence> Go do kettle swings.

I think I lost some of his respect, but when I showed up to class a second time this week Kenny gave me a nod of recognition and nicely averted his eyes and left me alone during the push-up segments, so I assume we reached a truce to agree to disagree.

Sidebar: the whole push-up/gym teacher judgment exchange was sounding a little familiar, so I did a little past-post-perusing and….this is embarrassing – I had almost the exact same conversation with Rico, my cardio-sculpt instructor, in February 2013. How sad.

Football is BACK

Nick Chubb for Heisman!!!

This video is amazing; what a beast. How many push-ups do you think Chubbatron can do?

The End.

**Don’t get too excited – it still looks like a hot mess – but I updated my book list. Traveling this weekend? Take a look and find a book!

***I just inadvertently quoted Reading Rainbow…now THAT is sad.

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What Not To Do – Just In General, Vol XVII

Posted by AllieB on February 20, 2014

Hi! It’s still winter.

Few things are ever as they seem – especially thru the veil of social media. This is good to remember on, say, Valentine’s Day when Susie McSucksALot posts 10000 pictures of the sweet things her “main man” (CAN WE NOT) did for her. What Sus is not telling us is that last week her “Prince Charming” went to happy hour with his bros and somehow wound up in Vegas where he gambled away their life savings and was found in a compromising position with a burlesque showperson of an undetermined gender. Perhaps SusieQ needs to quit posting things on social media and focus on her relationship with this “dreamboat” – ya heard?

Besides, anyone can put things online and act like they’re real.

BBT and TomB

Some things, however, are exactly as they seem and allow for no alternative interpretations. Case in point: subway etiquette. There are no grey areas when it comes to protocol on the subterranean railway, and adherence to these rules is a very important part of living here. The rules are as follows: 1. avoid unnecessary contact, 2. don’t eat foods that require a utensil, and 3. silence is golden. I hope y’all know I would never eat a cup of yogurt on the subway or play the Les Mis soundtrack on full blast, but the first…well, I think you can guess where I’m going with this.

Re my daily commute: I take the 1 or the 2/3 trains home – they run on parallel tracks, the 1 is local, the 2/3 are express. If I am in the midst of a good book and feel like sitting, I take the local;  if I want full body contact with 5 strangers at a time and wish to get home in 8 minutes, I take the express.

Last night, I opted for the former. I stepped in the empty-ish car and honed in on the most prized seat: the one at the end of the row with empty seats beside it. There was a man sitting a few feet down, but he seemed fine where he was – headphones in, bobbing along to the song – I don’t think he even realized the train had stopped. I claimed the spot with a pointed look and made my way to what was now, as far as I was concerned, my seat.

As one does when sitting, I turned around and I sat. I’ll admit, it was more of a “plop” than a “perch,” so when I came down not on the orange plastic seat, but in the lap of the man who, seconds previous, had been sitting several seats away, there was no denying contact: I, Allie, was on top of him, Male Stranger on Subway. Evidently, said “Male Stranger” was actually a Seat Ninja.

subway fail

I’ve never been known for my cat-like reflexes (true story: I used to intentionally move my leg when the doctor tapped my knee because it never seemed to do anything on its own…forget “cat-like” I’ll settle for just “reflexes”), but I bolted up so quickly I was able to get off the subway right as the doors closed and it pulled away, taking with it the stranger in whose lap I’d just sat. I didn’t even get a chance to hear or see how the guy reacted, which I think is an undeniable indication that miracles are real and they happen every day.

This whole spectacle lasted no more than four seconds, but I can’t stop replaying it in slo-mo in my head. You know how when you remember horrible, embarrassing things you’ve done and you involuntarily blush and cringe reliving them? That’s happened like 10 times since last night.

To the Male Stranger on Subway: I am sorry I sat in your lap. Should I put this on the Craigslist “Missed Connections” page?

I know. Between that and the standing stranger embrace last week, it almost seems as though I’m intentionally doing this… I’m not, but I could see how you might think so. What’s next – an inadvertent elevator kiss?? Jesus. Stay tuned.

In other news….

– J Simps looks great! You go, gurl.

– If you are sick of reading thought-provoking literature like I am, indulge in this: Three Wishes by Liane Moriarty. Three sisters – triplets, actually – deal with life at age 33 in Sydney. It’s a step up from totally trashy chick lit, and it’s a nice break from War and Peace.

– This:

bob costas fnl

Ok, the end. If you’ve learned anything today, I hope it’s that I’m really good at photoshop and drawing.

*Volumes I – XVI of “what not to do” can be found in any number of previous posts. In fact, I was thinking I might rename BBT “What Not To Do, Just In General.”

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Hey, look – gullible is written on the ceiling

Posted by AllieB on August 16, 2011

Meet & greet: the lap giraffe. At its tallest, it grows to be approximately 30 inches, or 2 feet 6 inches tall. As a bambino, it is a mere 6 inches tall. If you want to see the live cam of the farm on which they live in Russia, go here. If he’s not there, don’t worry – he come back.

 A two week old lap giraffe.

Ivanka – she is the most famous and wealthy of the lap giraffes

Per the website:

Petite Lap Giraffes are very funny animal that require special care. They need lots of love. Hugs and kisses every day. Otherwise they make tears.

Grooming: a bubble bath once a week with purified water is all they need.

In case you haven’t picked up on it, lap giraffes do not exist. But how cool would that be if they did?! Get it together, Science – I want a lap giraffe like NOW, Todd. I need two – one for me and one for my good friend, MPvZB.

I definitely fell for the hoax of the lap giraffes. I mean, I had my doubts, but they can clone and crap nowadays, so why can’t they have miniature giraffes…it was when I got to the pictures of Ivanka that I was like, “waaaaaaait a second…” I believe anything you tell me can always discern fact from fiction…and make use of the helpful web page, Snopes. And tap into the wonder they call “common sense.”

I blame Tuesday for this momentary lapse of judgement. Tuesdays and Hilary are always to blame for my mishaps.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Shameful Post

Posted by AllieB on November 2, 2010

In the past, when I’ve surveyed others as to what sort of material they might want to read about on my little blog here, people always say I should write about shameful Facebook posts, of which there are a plethora. I’m not going to go on a tirade of things I hate on Facebook, but I do like to make fun of people who do stupid things on Facebook.

The sad thing is – sometimes people are innocent victims of their insolent friends. See below. The origin of this escapes me – I think Pal shared it last summer…? I don’t really know, but I’ve protected names and faces. (Although I will assert that I did not know, nor did I have a single friend in common with, any of the people involved.)

Commentator #1 needs a refresher in Social Niceties: What Not to Say to a Recently Separated Person, Particularly on a Viral Platform Such as Facebook. Commentator #3 did the right thing in calling him out. However, and maybe this is just my preference to avoid potentially awk situations, I would have inquired of a close, trustworthy mutual friend as to what happened, and then sent an email – NOT an FB message – offering my condolences or whatever was appropriate in this scenario.

Either way, Commentator #1: you’re fired.

I know I have more shameful material than this archived in my color-coded labels. BOLO for Shameful Post, Vol II.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »

Dunce

Posted by AllieB on October 28, 2010

I really don’t mind going places by myself – sometimes I actually prefer it – and usually I am quite adept at getting myself to the correct location at the designated time. Last night…not so much.

My plan was to attend this Young Professionals Mixer from 630 – 730 then head over to Supper Club. I arrived at Sweetwater at 6:35, and when I didn’t recognize any cars I didn’t think anything of it. Upon entering the venue, however, I began to notice that things seem to be amiss: noted lack of any political signage, and a highly atypical crowd (so heady) compared to the usual types that show up at anything “Young” and “Professional” – put it this way, there was absolutely no reason for me to think that I was at the right place. Nevertheless, I forged ahead and paid for a glass, ordered a Sch’wheat beer (which I’ve been meaning to try – very good, very unfortunate name), and posted up at the bar.

It was whilst BBM’ing with Harriette Lynn, who assured me they were nearby, then almost there, then officially there, that I realized my egregious error: wrong place. This was confirmed when I asked an employee where the Young Professionals Mixer was, and she looked at me like I had three heads.

Turns out I was enjoying a nice little Tasting Room event – me and 150 other people I’ve never seen before in my life. BTdubbs, this Limited Edition Dank Tank varietal is pretty good.

Wrong place, right time? Fail. Anyway, I left and drove alllll the way over to 5 Seasons Brewery on the Westside – which was actually much more convenient to Supper Club in Collier Hills – and enjoyed the company of good friends and lots of laughter directed towards moi (and a little directed towards Julia). “Sweetwater” and “5 Seasons” aren’t all that similar, not even a little bit.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – it always makes me think of you, Hilary…

“Turns out not where, but who you’re with that really matters…”

and the Dunce Hat goes to....meeeee!

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »