Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘try harder’

Anything you can do, I can do almost or equally as well

Posted by AllieB on October 3, 2013

I’ve mastered the subways; I emerge from underground and know instinctively which way is N/S/E/W; you should see me weave thru the herds of cattle throngs of people on the sidewalk; I stuck out my tongue at a cab driver last week when he violated my right of way – let’s face it, y’all, I’m a New Yawker.

alexandra

a saavy city girl from the very beginning. that’s right – GIRL

While I think we can all agree these are noteworthy accomplishments, I’ve still yet to conquer my Everest: mastering the art/science/I think it might be magic of making dinner reservations. I spent a good chunk of time this week trying to find two restaurants that will impress my high-brow foodie friends, A and K, when they come to visit, and I’m getting the proverbial talk-to-the-hand at every place I’ve tried. I mean, this is like a month in advance! Evidently no one A) knows who I am or B) is aware that I manage a very dated and irrelevant restaurant guide to Atlanta. K&A, how do you feel about dining at 5:30? Actually, wait: who needs restaurants – we’re all talented chefs, why don’t we just cook our own meals!?! And let’s be sure not to have any wine at all.

what would happen if we did either of those things

what would happen if we did either of those things

Obviously, none of us would ever find ourselves in this sort of situation, and I want to be very clear that I am NOT condoning such behavior, but when I saw this I thought I’d better share: The Rules for Calling in Sick When You’re Actually Hungover. Upon completion I found myself wanting to seek out Captain Obvious so I could thank him for sharing such brand new information, but who am I to judge – let’s see what I’ve got:

1. Mind over matter. I am a strong believer in this: stop wallowing and get over it. I am lucky not to get the voms when I am overserved, so I’m sure this is easier said than done…but most of the time I feel like people are just being big babies.

2. Water: it’s not a myth. Water before, during, and after your ill-advised outing will help tremendously. And cold Vitamin Water Zero in the morning is like nectar of the gods.

3. A lot of people say exercise. Me, not so much

4. Oh. I was supposed write a list about how to call in sick when you’re hungover. I don’t really have any tips on that for I hath ne’er done such a thing.

5. Cpt Obvs: 1, BBT: 0

But seriously: drink water.

Ok, this is weird, right? Mediocre-hurdler-turned-bobsledding-hopeful, Lolo Jones, is trying to gain 60 lbs to make “bobsled weight.” Her daily diet includes two 1,365 protein shakes and FOUR double bacon cheeseburgers from McDonald’s. This approach seems flawed. She is literally going to turn into a double bacon cheeseburger…literally. Ehhh, Lolo makes me uncomf – she seems like she’s kind of nuts, if not a little bit delusional:

“My abs are still there,” she said. “I’m still cut, just super solid.”

Yeah, a super solid double bacon cheeseburger…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, G FORCE!!!!! Remember that time we went to Pakistan? Such adventures we’ve had…I love you!!

incognito in Lahore

incognito in Lahore. also, barefoot. ew

TGIT! Feels good to be back on sched…truthfully, I’ve had a whole week of Thursdays, but I’m glad everyone else is now on my same page.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments »

The sauce is weak

Posted by AllieB on February 28, 2013

GREAT NEWS! It is Thursday. Besides that I got nada…bupkis…a great big giant goose egg. No more life events to share, good or bad.  I’ve been working a lot, I socialize, I go to el gimnasio – OH! Remember Lucy Hale’s hotter twin? She showed up in my Cardio Sculpt class on Wednesday. Miss Thang came traipsing in already sweaty – evidently she works out before she works out. Fine, whatever, but the class was at 6:30 in the morning – clearly, she sucks. But she can do a push-up, maybe even a few, and I cannot. Rico, the instructor, was actually fascinated by my inability to lift myself from a horiztonally prone position, flat on the floor, into a push-up. I told Rico that it had always been this way and that when I took the Presidential Fitness Test in 9th grade I could only complete 1/4 of a pull-up. “We can’t excel at everything,” I said. Rico thought about this and asked, “but would you call being able to do a single, legit push-up excelling?”

“For me, yes, that would be excelling.”

“You gotta raise your standards, gurl, because you on the floor just now, trying to push yourself up – that was just about the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen. And I used to work at the YMCA.”

Jeez, Rico, no need to SUGARCOAT IT.  

I can’t Instagram a #tbt, so here’s one. This is me chillin – just me and my cheeks hangin out. I bet if I showed this to Rico he’d be like, “typical.”

baby allie

#mouthbreathing

I watched the entirety of the Oscars on Sunday – from alpha to omega I tuned in – and I hve some observations:

Jennifer Lawrence is clearly PLU. Let’s hang sometime JLaw 

Jennifer-Lawrence-Oscars

touché

-how pissed was Anne Hathaway that SHE didn’t think to fall down?? (Sidebar: article about why we love Jennifer Lawrence and do not love Anne Hathaway. Muy interesante.)

-Channing Tatum… you come here to me.

-INTERVENTION: BBT, this is the third consecutive post in which you’ve mentioned Channing Tatum. Pump the brakes, yo

Halle Berry…daaaaang.

I’ve never borne the burden of having too much money, so I can’t attest to what I’d do if I had just billions of dollars that I wanted to “spend before I die” but I really, really do not think this would come to mind. My certainty stems from the fact that this is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever heard and someone really ought to shut it down.

Plans for Titanic Replica Set Sail as Australian Billionaire Avoids Sink Jinx

Summation: he’s building a boat exactly like the Titanic, from size and interior to class separation (allegedly he’ll be riding in third class becaase that’s where all the fun is), to sail the exact route the Titanic did without – fingers crossed! – hitting an iceburg and sinking. Apparently he has “dozens of people” interested in signing up. In one deviation from the ill-fated ship, there will be a lifeboat seat for every single passenger and crew member.

In Clive’s defense, he already owns 100 vintage cars, 150 race horses, five private jets and a large collection of dinosaur fossils. And you’d think the person with a private collection of dinosaur fossils must want for nothing…this just goes to show: money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy a lot of other stuff. 

I give up. Go have yourself a beverage. TGIT!

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , , | 5 Comments »

D is for Dunce

Posted by AllieB on March 10, 2011

The following humans are clearly very special, and I’d like to acknowledge their specialness by awarding them Dunce Hats.

Meet Timothy Chapek. Timothy needed to take a shower, so he broke into someone’s house. Hilary McKenzie, owner of said home, had the gall to enter whilst Timothy was self-cleaning, causing him to panic. Tapping into his meager cache of brain cells, Timothy did the only thing he could think to do (source: NYDaily News):

“I just broke into a house and the owner came home,” Chapek told the 911 operator, in a call obtained by The Smoking Gun. “I think they have guns.”

“You broke into a house?” asked the confused operator.

“Why are you in my house taking a shower?” homeowner Hilary McKenzie can be heard asking in the background. “Who are you?”

“My name is Timothy Chapek,” Chapek told her sheepishly.

“I broke in…I already called them,” he added, when McKenzie threatened to call the police. “They’re on the phone right now.”

When people who know Timothy hear about this, they’ll probably shake their heads with disdain and mutter, “damn fool can’t even burgle a house right…” At least that’s what I would say, if I knew Timothy.

Next, I shall revisit the gold mine of fail that is girls track. I’ve shared with you before a video of girls track going awry*, and this gem is no less sensational.

from: lolsnaps.com

I don’t even understand how that happened, but I’m glad it did.

Holy crap that is awesome.

*Sidebar: I just watched that YouTube and it’s amazing – here’s the link again, you don’t need sound. I have it embedded so it starts at the perfect time…DO IT DAMMIT. Ok bye.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

Help me help you

Posted by AllieB on December 1, 2010

It’s almost too easy.*

*In your defense – it’s a bad angle, but might I suggest a scarf and the color black.

Posted in Celebs, Really? | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »