Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘how RUDE!’

I beg your pardon

Posted by AllieB on April 12, 2013

Everyone told me, “it’s not that the winters are so bad in New York, it’s that they last forever.” Everyone is right. And, while I appreciate the effort to play down the severity of the winters, that was a load of crap. Spring came this week, and then it left. The cookie has been dangled, and the cookie has been cruelly taken away. Today I am in an overcoat and boots and I have reached the END of my rope. The next week day morning I wake up to rain and gusts of wind at 40 degree temps, I am staying home. Just, that’s how it’s going to be.

When spring comes back for real I can’t wait to go the Frying Pan and to Smorgasburg (every weekend like 75 food vendors set up tents and sell their delish food items…I went last fall and had the best best BEST fried chicken and waffles I have ever had…literally. And there’s a beer garden. There’s nothing not to like), and take strolls along the High Line and see movies in Bryant Park and dine al fresco…one of my favorite things about the city is the way all the restaurants open up onto the sidewalk. The other evening I was walking in my ‘hood and it was all I could do to not reach down and snag a sweet potato fry off a table as I passed by. I didn’t, but I thought about it.

frying pan collage

 The Frying Pan is a bar/restaurant situated on two tug boats tied together on the Hudson River in Chelsea. It’s pretty rad. From top left: me and my bestest Juan last September; a sunny day on the patio; the two tug boats. There’s also all these cool art installations…but you do have to exercise some caution: the boats are still functioning boats, just tied up at dock, so when there are waves they move (that’s how boats work), and the bathrooms are down these very narrow and dark spiral stairs…it’s not ideal for the overserved.

So, this is random but worth sharing: I opened my SPAM the other day to see what was what in the online shopping realm (I have all my shopping emails sent to SPAM – out of sight out of mind is the idea, it’s not especially effective), and, amongst the Shopbops and the Gilts and the Amazons were two emails that kind of stood out.

The first was hard to miss: ALLIE BAXTER! YOU HAVE A STUPID FACE!

The second, slightly more subtle but no less insulting: Single and ready to mingle? Check out this new dating site for Senior Citizens!

Excuse me? I’m finding it hard not to take these personally – the first actually says my name, spelled correctly and everything, and the second, if I were really indulging in some self-pity, I could construe as portent of what’s to come. I get it, I’M TURNING THIRTY.

Brush it off, Baxter.

And now, for the news:

Melissa McCarthy hosted SNL last weekend and killed it. And the Weekend Update skit – which she wasn’t even in – was also hilarious. I laughed outloud a LOT. This sketch about a Pizza Business was a standout (I’ve watched this 2.5 times now, and it’s my new favorite thing), but you should prob go watch the whole episode – it’s onDemand if you didn’t record.

BOLO for this: Revenge Wears Prada: The Devil Returns comes out on June 4. I did some research about whether or not anyone’s talked about a movie, and I learned that the Emily Blount character, Emily (skinny British lady who asks Andy if she’s attending a hideous skirt convention), is in it a lot…so I’m thinking the book was written with a movie in mind. That was smart, Andy was annoying and Emily was funny. Fingers crossed.

Carol the Elephant was  shot in a drive-by shooting in Mississippi yesterday. She’s expected to make a full recovery.

Where has Mischa Barton been, you’re wondering? I don’t actually know, but her grand re-entry to the tabloids was well-cataloged…and it’s not good.

Today is National Grilled Cheese Day!! I am celebrating this evening with Dinka and El and our good friends, Syrah and Cab Sav. Join us, won’t you?

Charlotte B Maines, my big sis, is running the Boston Marathon on Monday. This will be her 17th marathon. I can’t even. GOOD LUCK!

TGIF! Happy Weekend!! Bummer:

funny-Friday-13-Jason-sad

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The sauce is weak

Posted by AllieB on February 28, 2013

GREAT NEWS! It is Thursday. Besides that I got nada…bupkis…a great big giant goose egg. No more life events to share, good or bad.  I’ve been working a lot, I socialize, I go to el gimnasio – OH! Remember Lucy Hale’s hotter twin? She showed up in my Cardio Sculpt class on Wednesday. Miss Thang came traipsing in already sweaty – evidently she works out before she works out. Fine, whatever, but the class was at 6:30 in the morning – clearly, she sucks. But she can do a push-up, maybe even a few, and I cannot. Rico, the instructor, was actually fascinated by my inability to lift myself from a horiztonally prone position, flat on the floor, into a push-up. I told Rico that it had always been this way and that when I took the Presidential Fitness Test in 9th grade I could only complete 1/4 of a pull-up. “We can’t excel at everything,” I said. Rico thought about this and asked, “but would you call being able to do a single, legit push-up excelling?”

“For me, yes, that would be excelling.”

“You gotta raise your standards, gurl, because you on the floor just now, trying to push yourself up – that was just about the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen. And I used to work at the YMCA.”

Jeez, Rico, no need to SUGARCOAT IT.  

I can’t Instagram a #tbt, so here’s one. This is me chillin – just me and my cheeks hangin out. I bet if I showed this to Rico he’d be like, “typical.”

baby allie

#mouthbreathing

I watched the entirety of the Oscars on Sunday – from alpha to omega I tuned in – and I hve some observations:

-Jennifer Lawrence is clearly PLU. Let’s hang sometime JLaw 

Jennifer-Lawrence-Oscars

touché

-how pissed was Anne Hathaway that SHE didn’t think to fall down?? (Sidebar: article about why we love Jennifer Lawrence and do not love Anne Hathaway. Muy interesante.)

-Channing Tatum… you come here to me.

-INTERVENTION: BBT, this is the third consecutive post in which you’ve mentioned Channing Tatum. Pump the brakes, yo

-Halle Berry…daaaaang.

I’ve never borne the burden of having too much money, so I can’t attest to what I’d do if I had just billions of dollars that I wanted to “spend before I die” but I really, really do not think this would come to mind. My certainty stems from the fact that this is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever heard and someone really ought to shut it down.

Plans for Titanic Replica Set Sail as Australian Billionaire Avoids Sink Jinx

Summation: he’s building a boat exactly like the Titanic, from size and interior to class separation (allegedly he’ll be riding in third class becaase that’s where all the fun is), to sail the exact route the Titanic did without – fingers crossed! – hitting an iceburg and sinking. Apparently he has “dozens of people” interested in signing up. In one deviation from the ill-fated ship, there will be a lifeboat seat for every single passenger and crew member.

In Clive’s defense, he already owns 100 vintage cars, 150 race horses, five private jets and a large collection of dinosaur fossils. And you’d think the person with a private collection of dinosaur fossils must want for nothing…this just goes to show: money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy a lot of other stuff. 

I give up. Go have yourself a beverage. TGIT!

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ALRIGHT.

Posted by AllieB on January 16, 2013

Be advised: if you’re on my List or are at all guilty of irking me, today is not your day.

1. Jessica Simpson was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night. I can’t even…

I am speechless; I am without speech. First, easy on the Botox. Second, it is possible to dress in a flattering, appropriate manner in which you accentuate your best attributes and disguise your flaws. Jessica, who has the demonstrated mental function of a wet mop, has never heard this message from Captain Obvious and chose to wear that instead. Of course she did.

2. I went postal at the Post Office. The Post Office has now trumped SantaCon as my Least Favorite Thing. There was an incident yesterday morning involving myself, two post office workers, a roll of Priority Mail tape, and a roll of Standard Clear Shipping Tape. Long story short: one of the workers repeatedly gave me blatantly wrong, flat-out-erroneous information regarding the kind of tape I needed to use for my shipping needs. This resulted first in confusion, then frustration, and ultimately snowballed into blind, unadulterated RAGE. I honestly think the situation could have escalated to the point of law enforcement intervention, but, as though I were starring in my very own segment from Chicken Soup for the Soul, a good samaritan appeared out of nowhere and shared with me her roll of Clear Shipping Tape. I nearly burst into tears I was so grateful. I then realized that I acted like a total f’ing lunatic may have overreacted a teeny bit, and I apologized to the people with whom I’d had issue…one of them, anyway, the other one got the stink eye she deserved. Having worked in the service industry several times during my adult life,  I know how much people suck and how hard it is to be nice all of the time, and I know that I can air on the side of impatient, but this….this was unfounded.

3. Was The Duchess on glue when she approved her first official portrait? HATES IT. I’m going to chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and let this one slide…hopefully it will find a nice home in the basement. Or maybe in Pippa’s room…muahaha

kate-middleton-portrait

Kate, why are you POSSESSED BY THE DEMONS??

Ok, enough complaining and senseless lambasting – I got it off my chest, and I feel much better… As I mentioned, I joined Equinox (Equinox is a gym) and I’ve been going a lot – I even went on Saturday. To the gym. To a spin class. On a Saturday. In efforts to keep things interesting, I am trying every single one of their class offerings, many of which are brand new information. Case in point: “ViPR” aka “vitality-performance-reconditioning.” Intrigued by this collection of healthy-sounding words, I went to the 6:30 AM class last Wednesday morning….and here’s how that went (cut and pasted directly from The Serve).

So, this morning I went to the most nonsense class ever, I don’t even know how to describe. Apparently it’s not only new to Equinox, it’s new to the United States, so when I was mega-failing (flailing?) that made me feel a little better. There was a really really pretty girl in my class – she looked like Lucy Hale on Pretty Little Liars w the dark hair and thick eyebrows only much prettier. Prettier, taller, skinnier. I’m telling you, this girl had an a** that would NOT quit. She was even coordinated. She did not enhance my fitness experience.

I’m just glad she wasn’t in the locker room the same time I was…could’ve been awkward for everyone.

Anyway, the focus of the class is this very crazy huge, weighted black pipe/tube that you sling around. I am laughing thinking about it. It was really hard. There’s also a step box; I think I did 1,000 squats. At the end, the instructor sought me out and told me I didn’t “totally suck”, which I found encouraging, until I saw him give Lucy Hale’s hotter twin a high five and a, “You go, gurl!”

I won’t be returning.

This was pretty much how it went down

This was pretty much the jist

I know I’m not talking about resolutions, but one of my non-resolutions is to write more in 2k13…quantity>quality??

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Smelly Cat

Posted by AllieB on June 23, 2011

TGIT. Holla! As is becoming a bi-monthly trend, I bring you today a new guest writer. She’s actually been an invaluable resource for BBT since day 1 (Cuddle Party, an easy target, WaWa, and mucho, mucho más), and I appreciate all of her helpful input via commentary, as well. In the following anecdote, we’ll read about a batsh*t feline and how Chuck Norris Sister dealt with it – I’ll tell you, this is some scary stuff.

I just went on a walk around the Paces property to get some exercise. While I was on the weird side where nobody lives (where Ellis, Dre and Julz used to reside) all of a sudden a black cat came RUNNING out of the bushes, back arched, running sideways all weird how cats do AT ME. Literally eye contact was made. He wanted a piece of me. I screamed and started running and it ran back into the bushes. So then I’m by the tennis courts and was going to have to run back by it. In my head I’m thinking, ok I’m bigger than this thing I just have to scare it away….

I wait a minute to get up my nerve and start running (with authority, big strides), and then it comes out AGAIN running so fast, sideways, back arched again at me. I start screaming and making loud footsteps to scare it….it doesn’t work. It keeps charging me. Plan B- I’m prepared to boot this devil’s pet back to hell as I stopped and reared back to kick it. Normally, I would not hurt an animal. But this is a cat (no offense Tiffany and Mars) and literally it was almost close enough to me to bite me. And I guess when I stopped it got scared (or maybe it was my inhuman screams) and it ran back into the bushes. I ran as fast as I could the rest of the way home. Ok, I couldn’t make it that far running but I ran fast for like 50 yards. I’m still sweating and I hate cats forever. WTF was wrong with that thing?! Is it rabid? It had a collar.

Save for a very special Madison who resides in SoFLA, I am not a fan of cats – at all, whatsoever. Dogs > cheesesteaks > a lot of other stuff > dentist > cats = IMO.

I finally got to try The National (one of Hugh Acheson’s restaurants) in Athens last night. It was so good!!! So good. I’ve been wanting to go forever, but whenever I’m in Athens I can’t not go to Last Resort and then I just run out of time. It’s a menu unlike anything I’ve ever seen: southern fusion with a Mediterranean twist? Or maybe it’s vice versa – it’s more Mediterranean than it is southern, I guess…regardless, it’s damn good. I had no idea what I was going to get – they made even the veggie plate sound awesome (VP’s are usually good, but there’s often something like a hanger steak that trumps it every time), but then our waitress told us about the specials, including: bacon-wrapped cod. Done, sahn. It was SO good….so good – from the bread that they gave us as soon as we sat down (didn’t have to wait til after we ordered – that always annoys me), the dates stuffed with manchego cheese (turns out I love manchego cheese), to the panna cotta we had for dessert…twas a v enjoyable evening.

Ok, this is why I don’t include pictures of my food: when taken with a stupid Blackberry camera, it really doesn’t do a meal justice. If I plan to make anything of all of the time and effort I’ve put into BBT, I clearly need an iPhone.

Also, Hugh, I tweeted you re: my favorable experience and got back a prompt and resounding response of radio silence. :|

Posted in Arbitrary, Food & Drink | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

He’s like a conversational wizard

Posted by AllieB on June 14, 2011

I have no intention of commenting on this subject habitually, so just this one thing and then I’m done. I promise. And I know that promise is legit because my ADHD does not allow for two hours of television viewing (unless it’s a Sunday), and, let’s face it: these people have absolutely nothing in common with William and Kate.

The Bachelorette. What the crap, it’s even worse than usual. Ashley and her suitors have already taken their product international, and the scenery is about the only thing worth watching. Instead of excruciating dialogue and nonstop lameness, I expect they would do a lot better with ratings/feedback if they just did a montage of the Thailand landscape with a final snapshot at the end that shows who got a rose. Bentley, one contestant who proved he hates women and is totally batsh*t bonkers, was pretty interesting last week – sadly, it did make for good TV, but he belongs on Dr. Phil or Dr. Drew – NOT the Bachelorette. Soundbites from the episode:

“I mean that just sounds terrible,” Bentley told the camera. “I would literally rather be swimming in pee than planning a wedding with her, because I’m not thinking, ‘Oh my gosh this is the girl of my dreams.’ I’m thinking she’s not my type.”

“Wow, that was kind of boring,” he said after their kiss. “It started out good, but it sucked toward the end. I’d be lying to everyone if I was like ‘I’m in this to the end. I’m gonna ride this out for two months.’ There is no way I’m gonna last that long.”

Was that really necessary. Considerate and classy – I think we’ve found the next Bachelor?? What a dreamboat. In the scenes for next week (I didn’t watch the whole episode, I just had it on in the background and I found myself paying attention sometimes, is all) it seems that Bentley travels to Thailand and wants to talk to Ashley. Ashley, for the record, earns zero sympathy points because she’s so annoying and….OK I have to stop, this is becoming word vomit. No mas.

In addition to my little sista’s bday it is also: Flag Day – I do love the stars & bars – and Yasmine Bleeth’s birthday. Whatever happened to Yasmine?

Aaaand here’s Tex’s Tacos schedule for the week. OH YEAH! Thanks to their awesome food, friendly service, and internet-savvy fans, Tex’s WON Best Food Truck in ATL! Y’all are the heat – check them out over on Howell Mill tonight.

LIKE BBT ON FACEBOOK! May I direct you to the upper right-hand corner of your page, where you will see brand new Facebook/Twitter badges…prettaaaay nice, no? After I get paid this week, I will figure out some sort of prize for a fan…

BOLO for mas info.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »