Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Guys Hate It When You’re Annoying; Girls Would Rather You Not Fart (Survey Part Deux)

Posted by AllieB on October 13, 2011

I thought that doing a second survey was a really great idea, and I’m thinking I thought wrong. The last one was pretty entertaining; this one – not so much. My questions weren’t particularly interesting or insightful, which is probably part of the problem. To keep the lameness to a minimum, I am therefore ignoring the multiple choice questions and just sharing the write in responses. I didn’t do much editing, but a few things had to go.

One thing I was not overwhelmed by was the number of participants :| Whatever, ok, here we go…

First, the Boys: “I hate it when my girlfriend (or whatever you have)….” 

– Is sad

– Could go on forever here, even with a girl I love. We were made to piss each other off to a certain extent because nothing easy is worth doing.

– Wish there was more room to elaborate. Will send you a pdf file later this week with my essay

– gets all in her own head and lets it make her mad/sad/depressed.

– tells me I “need to update my wardrobe”. Not b/c it’s not true, just b/c it’s repeated in those exact same words time and time again, like the previous time didn’t happen.

– Doesn’t stay active and exercise on a regular basis.

– starts random fights for no reason whatsoever on a frequent basis.

– Is annoying

– has an opinion about sports. Just watch the game and cheer on the right team, but please no input on what is actually happening in the game.

– Is a whiny bitch and feels entitled

– is moody. The love of your life, so fun one minute and a total bitch the next.

– Tells me that Johnny T’s teeth are whiter than mine.

– is always late

– Wont give me a ride to my car

– Calls to tell me an irrelevant story about her day…especially when its not funny in the slightest.

– busts my balls

-gets drunker than I do

In your gf’s defense, Johnny T does have exceptionally white teeth. Girls, take note: be less sad, go for a run, don’t get too drunk, be on time, stop whining, be less bitchy, don’t tell that ‘irrelevant’ story…jeez. Sorry I asked. You can hang on to that PDF essay, I’m pretty sure I’m not interested.

Now the Ladies: “I hate it when my boyfriend (or whatever you have)…” 

– farts in the car

– fails to tell me he is leaving town for a month. (commonly referred to as an “ex-boyfriend”)

– belittles me in front of his friends in an attempt to project coolness amongst his male peers…fyi dude, your the one that looks like an idiot. And you have issues with insecurity. deal. breaker.

– tries to wear polo shirts w/ stripes on them. no.

– fails to exist

– Bitches about my drunkenness. Or when he eats on the sofa.

– …….not enough room to answer

– tries to order for me at a restaurant. I’ll interrupt.

– puts it off on me when he is not social or does not go out.  It pisses me off so much. Just tell your friends that you do not want to go out, don’t put it off on me like that. Not Fair!

– acts immature

burns incense* and wears mesh shorts (not at the same time or, yea, maybe at the same time too)

– farts under the covers

– Snores

– talks about how hot your friends are

– eats late night & leaves crumbs & pb finger prints all over my kitchen, makes this terrible sound when he scratches his throat, tells me he’ll come to bed as soon as he finishes his beer but really stays up to burn incense

– chain smokes

– calls me dude.

– Hangs out with his girlfriend

– says he will do something and doesn’t. False promises suck. Duh.

– puts dirty dishes on the counter or in the sink instead of the dishwasher.

– ignores me and plays with the cat instead

– Leaves his dirty clothes everywhere and is very messy

– eats healthier than I do!

– won’t fight back – what an idiot.

*These boys are not burning incense, if you get my drift…

I don’t really know what to do with these – some of y’all might need to reassess your relationship status, and some of you are kind of anal… no offense. I’m having a hard time coming up with a theme – each person who responded hates a different thing that their Significant Other or whomever does, and I guess there’s really no rhyme or reason to how or why things do or don’t work out. Deep Thoughts, by BBT. Guys: best of luck to you… Ok, no more surveys.

Me: what are you doing tonight?

You: going to Kramer’s for Matt’s birthday!!


Friendly reminder: I choose the winner of the $20 iTunes gift card at noon tomorrow, so ya better  hurry over to Facebook and like the Baxter Bark Twice page if you want a chance to win…!

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , | 9 Comments »

Large and in charge

Posted by AllieB on October 12, 2011

Well. I am pleased to report that my contest is off to a roaring start with FIVE new Facebook likes since my post on Monday. World domination is at my finger tips, I can feel it…honestly, this is kind of pathetic. Even my horoscope said social media was where I’d really shine this week – damn horoscopes. PX, go like BBT. I’m not going just “give” you the gift card- you don’t even have an iPhone. Only 50 or so hours until I choose a winner…the clock is ticking…

Last night I went to see the Picasso to Warhol exhibit at the High. It opens to the public on Saturday, but G-force and I went because she’s a member of sorts and they invited her to see it early. They had a lot of really famous works that are cool to see (it all came from the MoMA in NYC), so it’s not just the big names to lure you in then only a few lame sketches. I highly recommend going to see this; you have through April.

In addition – and I don’t know if you knew this – I was an art history major in college with a concentration in modern art, so I was really in my element. And by “element” I mean I’m pretty sure I recognized some of the art from one of the classes I think I took…as you might expect, this degree has done wonders for my career and I am shooting up the corporate ladder as we speak.

I’m sorry, there’s no way she’s not pregnant:

She is one busty lady…my goodness.

And last but certainly not least, one of my oldest and favorite friends, MKPyles, turns 30 tomorrow..!!! Join me, won’t you, in celebrating his birth at Kramer’s. I hear there will be balloons.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , | 5 Comments »

I will literally do anything to be liked

Posted by AllieB on October 10, 2011


Couple of things: I made it so that BBT is now MUCH more mobile-device friendly. If you are reading this from your mobile device, you know what I’m talking about because it is now a simple format instead of the narrow margin of text that was pretty much impossible to read. I hope this helps. You are welcome.

Also, in efforts to make Baxter Bark Twice a worldwide phenomenon, I am going to award one lucky Facebook fan $20 to iTunes. Who wouldn’t want $20 to iTunes?! According to the web information company Alexa, BBT is ranked as the 9,623,940th viewed site on all of the interweb, reaching .00001 percent of global internet users. I don’t really know what to make of that, but I feel as though I could do better. Ergo, here’s what you do:

1. LIKE me on Facebook.

By Friday at noon, I will choose someone at random and email them the code to their $20 iTunes gift card. Said winner can choose to remain anonymous or we can come up with some kind of moniker to announce their win – whatevs, I don’t really care, but I want more fans on Facebook, so I’ve resorted to actually paying you to be my friend. People respond well to bribes incentives, and I have no shame. Sorry I’m not sorry. If you’re already a fan not to worry – you can still win, but feel free to help generate some buzz.

Just think of what you could do with $20 to iTunes…make a brand new mix CD for that special someone; catch up on old episodes of Rescue Me; re-gift it to someone you’re too lazy/cheap to buy something for… The options are endless!

Thanks in advance.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

BYOB to Houston’s a.k.a. The Greatest News Ever

Posted by AllieB on October 7, 2011

Game changer: Houston’s allows you to BYOB and they don’t even charge a corkage fee!! This means to say, when you go to dinner with 4 other people and each of you pull out your own bottle of wine and set it on the table, they will very nicely open each bottle and serve it to you. You can enjoy a 3 hour dinner of deliciousness for only $25. Maybe re-think bringing the Trader Joe’s varietal, however, even if it is the Reserve ($4.99) label…Allie, I’m looking at you.

Rave Review: Zappos. I’ve been an Endless girl for the last couple of years, but I recently made an order on Zappos. This purse I really wanted went on sale (try again I fixed the link), and I do actually need a new bag, so I bought it. Mom, keep your comments to yourself – this is going to be hard for you to read. Anyway, I wanted it by the weekend, but I did not want to pay the extra $15 for two day shipping, so I rang them up to see what they could do. NOT ONLY did they give me two-day shipping for free, but she upgraded me to VIP status (I’ve been shopping with them since 2006) which means that I automatically get FREE OVERNIGHT SHIPPING on everything I order before 4 p.m. EST. I told the salesgirl that other online retailers could really learn a thing or two about customer service and that I was glad my call was being monitored because I wanted The Man to hear just how pleased I was.

Shake yo groove thang: Beyonce’s new video for “Countdown” is awesome, APU. I can’t embed videos unless they’re from YouTube because I’m too lazy to figure out how…so just go to the link. And you really really should.

Is there anything more delightful than a fall day in Atlanta? I think not. May all of your weekends be full of sunshine and puppies and cupcakes and red wine and Frye boots and new purses and Sashimi Tuna Salads and pasta.

Back in Rocktober 2k9, I went to go sit on the bar stool next to my buddy P.Wolfe at the bar we know as Kramerica, and I accidentally sat in a trash can instead. Pallison then created this image so the story can live on forever.

I recommend not doing this.

 APU = as per usual. I didn’t know that until today.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , | 4 Comments »

It’s a bird, it’s a plane…it’s Wine Gal

Posted by AllieB on October 6, 2011

One of my biggest flaws, I think, is my lack of creativity when it comes to costumes. I have a pretty good imagination and can be creative with other stuff – this blog doesn’t write itself – but I suck at costumes. People who do not suck at costumes: A, K, Leila, Pants, Caro…you’ve all had some remarkable ‘stumes. Case in point: two years ago I dressed up as Parker Posey from Dazed and Confused. LAME. And, to make it even lamer, I was the only person who did it so instead of SENIORS my shirt said SENIOR – senior singular. I did enjoy having that whistle…and making people fry like bacon.

Last year, as I was thinking about options, I decided that, whatever I chose to be, it had to include a cape. Who wears capes? Superheros. Somehow I landed on a “wine superhero” (probably after a great deal of wine) and yada yada yada…meet & greet WINE GAL.

Wine Gal wore all purple: purple knee socks, purple tennis skirt, purple tank bathing suit (oddly, I owned all of these things), and I bought some sparkly purple fabric to fashion a cape. Key accessories included a gold fanny pack and my weapon of choice – corkscrew, duh – and then mini bottles of wine which served as my strength serum – think Popeye and spinach. I didn’t really have a super power….unless you count the ability to consume incredible quantities of red wine as one. Which I do.

So, here we are… Once again I have no idea what to be, I only know what I don’t want to be:

-slutty nurse/waitress/maid/police officer… you can pretty much be a slutty noun. Those costumes are lame and SO obvious. PLU don’t dress up like those things, but I just wanted to reassert how not okay they are – I don’t care what you saw in Mean Girls.

-persona from current events. Apparently Charlie Sheen is trending as this year’s most popular costume. That’s really dumb.

-any kind of animal. Either you’re a slutty kitten or you wind up in some huge cow costume with icky udders. No to both. Unless you’re a dude, in which case a big goofy animal costume can be funny. Actually, guy costumes are a totally different conversation – the same rules do not apply.

-anything really ugly or scary. I’m sorry, I’m just not good at really immersing myself in a look…this might be why I’m no good at costuming. Maybe I just need to get over myself and go as Mt. Rushmore or something……A, you will forever have my respect for that mountain of an ensemble.

Fack. BOLO for Wine Gal 2.0.

*PLU = people like us.

He changed our lives and imaginations with his inventions. Check out this compilation of tributes from across the world – an “iMemorial” of Steve Jobs – worth a look.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

Next Page »