Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

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Dear Diary

Posted by AllieB on August 10, 2011

Dear Diary,

Today has been the best day, and it’s not even lunch time yet! First, I woke up at 5 AM feeling super fresh – everyone should go to bed at 8 PM like I do; I LOVE being a morning person!!! Anyway, then I fed the fish in my koi pond that I have in the middle of my penthouse apartment in Nashville. Why do I have a koi pond? I don’t know. But there are fish in it, so I feed them. Then I went on a long walk – I have such awkwardly long limbs that I can cover five miles in about five minutes. In fact, I kind of remind myself of the BFG – remember Roald Dahl’s classic? I never read it because I’m much too vapid to enjoy such a wonderful, imaginative novel, but there was a really cool girl in my third grade class – her name was…I don’t know, it rhymed with Ballie Axter- and she loved it.

I digress. My great day has continued with my usual 3 hours of baking. I love to bake! I’m one of those miserably lame people who constantly distribute baked goods so as to endear myself to others. Every time I manage to get people to come over, I have a huge spread of baked goods and hope that they will come back maybe for a second visit when they remember how much food I had for them. Today I whipped up some pumpkin pancakes in case anyone came over – they didn’t, but I felt good knowing that I was prepared. I wonder if maybe I should start serving alcohol? I didn’t have any at my 21st birthday party, and I’m wondering – looking back – if that was a mistake?? Surely not.

Oh! There’s my timer. I just made some souffles. I really hope I can find someone to enjoy them with instead of giving them to Jerry again – Jerry’s the homeless guy who lives on my block. He said the last ones gave him indigestion?? There must be something wrong with his digestive track, not my souffle – I followed the recipe exactly. I always follow the recipe exactly. And I am definitely the only person I know who would ever say “digestive track.”

Anyway, Diary, I just know today is going to be great. It will probably be exactly like every day I have because I am that redundantly redundant. I am even redundant when I am saying word redundant, which is something of a feat.



*I know, right?? How surprisingly hip is my moniker?? It hasn’t caught on yet because I’m about an iota as cool as the name suggests, but maybe one day….

By “friends” I mean people who accidentally went to the wrong condo. (Glamour – November 2010)

Title credit: La Boof

Posted in Celebs | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

What the crap!

Posted by AllieB on August 9, 2011

WTC! In Paris they now have 24-hour vending machines that dispense piping hot, freshly baked baguettes. I want to go to there!! If only they’d gotten their act together a year ago. I’ve been reliving our trip to France all week by way of photographs – minus the dead lady on the plane ride over (total downer), it was a perfect vacation…hindsight 20/20, right? In true Fat American fashion, Al Roker remarked: “They need one of those over here that has donuts instead of baguettes…” Good call, Al – just what we need, another champion for America’s obesity…especially from someone who’s actually already had gastric bypass surgery. I’m really down on the Today show right now, yet haven’t been able to pull the trigger on GMA…six in one, half dozen in the other.

4-wheelers that went up to like 50 MPH – that’s fast, right? They went really fast. Ode to Georgia Bar. (My t-shirt is a GA Bar t-shirt.)

Ok. This is the type of information that I would maybe tell my friends after I’ve been doing it for awhile … truth bomb: sometimes I sit on relevant information before sharing it with my peers. Of course, everyone could have known about this all along, making me moron who thinks she’s got a piece of groundbreaking information. Anyway, without further ado: I’ve been reading this blog written by Victoria’s Secret model Chrissy Teigen. I know…she’s dating John Legend and is actually pretty hilarious…she’s kind of a nut -I think we’d get along nicely. I follow her on Twitter, too. Anyway, I she imparted some very valuable wisdom in her post, “Ugh, alcohol:”

*fact: most fashion industry people that are watching their weight (so everyone) drink vodka/club soda splash of lime. Even lighter. Get Goose. Potato vodkas are a no no. This is my drink of choice lately. Kind of tastes like ass, and trust me, I can’t wait for swimsuit modeling season to go away. I miss the cold Christmas shopping days where I fill a to-go cup with coffee halfway and pour Bailey’s in the rest. Then I hit the city, shop, and completely forget what I ended up buying anyone until I get the thank you cards. It’s fun.

Minus the part about swimsuit modeling season :|, I really appreciate this whole excerpt. And I’m glad to know I no longer have to buy all my Christmas gifts online – her plan sounds pretty awesome. Anyway, this part about Grey Goose only was very interesting to me – it’s made with wheat in France. You know how no one in France is fat??? Oh wow, this is really coming full circle…baguettes from Paris, vodka from France…I never tie things together so nicely. Horn: tooted! And now I really, really want to go back to France.

Sisters in Paris. Notably absent: hot, fresh baguettes from nearby vending machine

On notice: Betches Love This Site. It’s become an internet sensation and I hate it. I don’t even really want to link to it because they get plenty of fraffic as is, but…whatever, here it is. They started it in February and have 35,000+ followers on Twitter and apparently have a movie deal. WTF! They cuss too much – it’s very crass. However, they write anonymously which is I figure how they get away with some of the stuff they say…I mean, I guess they’re entertaining – I feel like they appeal to a slightly younger (read: college-age) demographic – one comprised of srat sistas who love to flip their hair and squeal. I cannot stand shrill, high-pitched people. I think the Betches and I can just agree to disagree…unless they’re looking for staff writers, in which case I may or may not be available.


Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , | 4 Comments »

My top 10 or 15 or maybe 17 favorite TV characters

Posted by AllieB on August 8, 2011

Today seemed like a two-a-day kind of day.

My Top Ten Favorite TV Personas (I didn’t list numerically because I found I can’t commit to a set order – consider it a ten-way..or like 17-way tie)

Barney – How I Met Your Mother

Stephen Colbert

Ross Gellar & Chandler Bing – Friends

Liz Lemon & Jack Donaghy – 30 Rock

Miranda Hobbs – SATC

Flip – Shameless

Tim Riggins, Coach Taylor and Tami Taylor on FNL

Penny – Happy Endings (which HAS been renewed, btw)

Claire and Luke Dunphy..and Cam and Lily – Modern Family

Larry David

Franklin & Bash – Franklin & Bash

Sweet Dee – Always Sunny

Ron Swanson – Parks and Recreation

I cheated. That is more than ten but you try listing your top ten because it is HARD.

When it gets closer to September, I will do a comprehensive list of all of the best shows and their respective season premiers. I love fall! Until then, set your DVR because TLC is doing a special on Pippa Middleton tomorrow. Apparently she doesn’t actually talk to anyone directly in the special, it’s a compilation of her rise to hotness. IN – I am fascinated by her torso.

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Life’s a beach

Posted by AllieB on August 8, 2011

Oh, hey.

Lo siento por el absentia. I was busy being at the beach! I love the beach. I am meant to be in warm climates, near the water, with a nice tan. In Atlanta, I am missing one of these crucial components…and it’s not the warm climate part.

Meet and greet: Sand Cliffs, FLA! We went to Miriam’s house – it is just delightful.

Janie is the cutest.

It was about 193 degrees – contact with water was mandatory…minus the Attack of the Sea Slugs. Ew.

The Hilton House. I’m obsessed with this house. I think it is just so cool – when we were down here last spring, the landscaping was pretty sparse and it was more of an eyesore than anything – now it looks pretty badass, IMO. Once again, some truly excellent photography thanks to my Blackberry 9630.

Other highlights (from top left):

-vista from Bud and Alley’s

-pool side!! a nice reprieve from sand. I just shook out my shorts and sand came out. I’ll be covered in sand for a week, at least

-Strawberry Watermelon Marg (courtesy of Lindsay)

-Iced Vodka with Cucumber, Lemon, and Mint (Lindsay again)

We did a bad job with pics…this is from our last trip back in 2010, but it’ll do.

I don’t like doing photo centric posts, I’m very disoriented – I prefer to use my words.


Tex’s Tacos this week. (K! Lunch tomorrow???)

Weekly horo. (It’s still last week’s – check this afternoon)

Lastly, have you LIKED BBT ON FACEBOOK??? Do it. Do it now.

Posted in Arbitrary, Food & Drink | Tagged: , , | 4 Comments »

Some of y’all done lost y’all mind

Posted by AllieB on August 3, 2011

Ahh Kilo Ali.

The y’all to whom I am referring are the celebrities ranging from the A to C-list variety. To start with: Vienna Girardi – COME ON DOWN!!! I will probably tune into the premier of Bachelor Pad next Munday, because I saw a clip with Vienna’s ex, Jake Pavelka saying, “I wish she would fall 3,000 feet to her death” or something totally melodramatic like that. Maybe he’s trying to be a tough guy after being such a pansy during his season on the Bachelor. I don’t know, they’re all really stupid – like, really stupid.

Anyway, Betsy has brought to my attention that Vienna got a nosejob. Or maybe she did. The before might be better than the after, but the after looks older than the before. It’s unclear which is what, which is not exactly the desired effect of rhinoplasty. Nailed it!

BOOBS you’re riding a bike for crissakes, put on some underoos (it’s not a Britney shot or anything, but the wind is blowing….whatever, see for yourself – it’s very PG).

For the LOVE, Mischa – get a mirror, a clue, or maybe even a friend. Friends don’t let friends leave the house looking like this.

Morale, in case it’s not clear, is higher than it was yesterday. Humor at the expense of others always cheers me up. Plus, I love Wednesdays; I always have. Hilbilly is coming to Atlanta tonight – hide your kids, hide your wives!

Have you been watching Curb Your Enthusiasm?? If not, call Comcast and take advantage of the HBO promotion they’re having right now where you can get 3 mos for free (or more, if you work the system – holla!) It’s f’ing hysterical. I don’t even know where to start, it’s all hilarious. Categorically not hilarious: Entourage. I want to drop kick E off the 17th Street bridge.


Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »