Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

It’s a bird, it’s a plane…it’s Wine Gal

Posted by AllieB on October 6, 2011

One of my biggest flaws, I think, is my lack of creativity when it comes to costumes. I have a pretty good imagination and can be creative with other stuff – this blog doesn’t write itself – but I suck at costumes. People who do not suck at costumes: A, K, Leila, Pants, Caro…you’ve all had some remarkable ‘stumes. Case in point: two years ago I dressed up as Parker Posey from Dazed and Confused. LAME. And, to make it even lamer, I was the only person who did it so instead of SENIORS my shirt said SENIOR – senior singular. I did enjoy having that whistle…and making people fry like bacon.

Last year, as I was thinking about options, I decided that, whatever I chose to be, it had to include a cape. Who wears capes? Superheros. Somehow I landed on a “wine superhero” (probably after a great deal of wine) and yada yada yada…meet & greet WINE GAL.

Wine Gal wore all purple: purple knee socks, purple tennis skirt, purple tank bathing suit (oddly, I owned all of these things), and I bought some sparkly purple fabric to fashion a cape. Key accessories included a gold fanny pack and my weapon of choice – corkscrew, duh – and then mini bottles of wine which served as my strength serum – think Popeye and spinach. I didn’t really have a super power….unless you count the ability to consume incredible quantities of red wine as one. Which I do.

So, here we are… Once again I have no idea what to be, I only know what I don’t want to be:

-slutty nurse/waitress/maid/police officer… you can pretty much be a slutty noun. Those costumes are lame and SO obvious. PLU don’t dress up like those things, but I just wanted to reassert how not okay they are – I don’t care what you saw in Mean Girls.

-persona from current events. Apparently Charlie Sheen is trending as this year’s most popular costume. That’s really dumb.

-any kind of animal. Either you’re a slutty kitten or you wind up in some huge cow costume with icky udders. No to both. Unless you’re a dude, in which case a big goofy animal costume can be funny. Actually, guy costumes are a totally different conversation – the same rules do not apply.

-anything really ugly or scary. I’m sorry, I’m just not good at really immersing myself in a look…this might be why I’m no good at costuming. Maybe I just need to get over myself and go as Mt. Rushmore or something……A, you will forever have my respect for that mountain of an ensemble.

Fack. BOLO for Wine Gal 2.0.

*PLU = people like us.

He changed our lives and imaginations with his inventions. Check out this compilation of tributes from across the world – an “iMemorial” of Steve Jobs – worth a look.

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Amanda Knox was up to no good; get me a shot of snake juice

Posted by AllieB on October 5, 2011

Let’s talk about current events. Amanda “Foxy Knoxy” Knox was acquitted for murder in Perugia, Italy this week and is now back at home in Seattle. She and her manfriend, Rafaelle, along with a third guy, Rudy, were charged with murdering her roommate, but the court has overturned the verdict and now she’s free. Et cetera.

There are few issues here:

-never have a manfriend named Rafaelle – things will always end poorly

-whether or not Amanda actually killed her roommate, she was obviously mixed up in some uncouth activity over there. It’s like when UsWeekly publishes a “THEY’RE BROKEN UP” story and it’s immediately refuted but then weeks or months later they confirm that it actually was true. People are getting their information somewhere, and rumors are almost always based on truth. Things can obviously can get blown out of proportion, but something is amiss here…if I were Foxy Knoxy’s mom I’d be all, “Welcome home, sweetie!” and, “Yay you’re acquitted!” and then after a couple of weeks I’d be like, “Wait, what the crap were you doing over there that you got charged with slicing your roommate’s throat??” Ya know??? Just sayin – she’s kind of a creep.

-she’s going to have a very hard time finding a new roommate

I’m no Leila Ann/Nancy Grace, and I get tired of researching facts so forgive me if I’ve left out something important. I tried to be vague.

Last night I enjoyed good company, mediocre wine, thin crust ‘za and a most delicious salad with Sedge, Dani, and YKenna. I really enjoyed that salad. It was spinach leaves, goat cheese, craisins, pears, red onion, and this dressing. Tasty!

I LOVE RON SWANSON. Images courtesy of this GIF compilation.

To do: the Futurebirds are opening for Panic this weekend at the Verizon Amphitheater. Are you familiar with the Futurebirds? They’re awesome.

Ok, one more. I hope the rest of your day is cool beans.

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MINI-VAN, MEGA-FUN

Posted by AllieB on October 4, 2011

According to several close friends, it is 90% of the reason why they like me. It’s taken me on adventures ranging from Dora the Explorer (G-rated) to I Shouldn’t Be Alive (no, seriously). It has been a surprisingly effective character building exercise, one that I have not taken to kindly. It’s my…MINIVAN!!!

Credit: Leila

Correction: was my minivan. As of yesterday, I no longer hold the title to this vehicle. I know it happened fast and that no one really got a chance to say goodbye, but if you feel inclined to pay your respects you can find it by Home Depot sitting in front of my parents’ covered in angry notes from the neighbors.

Physically, it is not in great shape. The headlights are secured by packing tape thanks to two separate accidents from January 2k10. The roof has a large dent from when a certain ABEV climbed on top and had a solo dance party to Scissor Sisters tune “I don’t feel like dancing.” Turns out – he really did feel like dancing. This dent was especially fun when it would rain, and it would collect a reservoir of water just waiting to gush in my open window when I pulled down a hill. I cursed you many a morning, ABE…many a morning. He did offer to pay for the cost of repair, but that issue quickly took a back seat to what was going on elsewhere.

Mechanically, it’s very sound – seriously. But many moons of randomness have amassed in the thing and who knows what’s in there. Items that you may or may not find in the van include: a bridesmaid dress, sombrero, Christmas tree, coffee maker, that earring you lost in 2007, three people’s debit cards, the last horcrux, and 7-12 fleece jackets.

Parting is not such sweet sorrow. I do, however, look forward to wearing my message tee featuring the message shown at the right. Sydney gave that to me years ago, but I haven’t been able to wear it because it becomes decidedly less funny when you actually drive a minivan. No longer will I have to deal with the confused guys at the valet…or the understandably confounded mothers at the gas station who would get a look/whiff of the interior and wonder if I actually transported children around (no). I’ll tell you one thing, though, between the car itself and the Westminster Catbackers and Peachtree Presbyterian stickers, the van was pretty great for flying under the radar…

I’m already getting a little nostalgic – maybe I will have a memorial service. I bet Kramer would host it. Also, for those of you who only liked me for my ride, maybe it’s time to be a little less shallow, huh?

Anyway, so that happened.

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Cheers

Posted by AllieB on September 30, 2011

I hate Rihanna’s new song. Someone needs to remix that thing stat because she sounds like she just took 12 too many vicodin. Whatevs – cheers to the freaking weekend.

This blog is amazing. It’s called ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS. Credit: Bobby.

YOU HAVE A METH ADDICTION CARLA.<br />
WE&#8217;RE NOT EVEN HAVING THIS CONVERSATION BECAUSE I&#8217;M A DOG AND YOU CAN&#8217;T TALK TO DOGS. THINK ABOUT IT.<br />
I&#8217;M NOT EVEN YOUR DOG. YOU PROBABLY STOLE ME, BECAUSE YOU&#8217;RE ON METH.<br />
GO TO REHAB. DRY YOURSELF OUT. YOU STILL HAVE SOME TEETH LEFT.

YOU HAVE A METH ADDICTION CARLA.

WE’RE NOT EVEN HAVING THIS CONVERSATION BECAUSE I’M A DOG AND YOU CAN’T TALK TO DOGS. THINK ABOUT IT.

I’M NOT EVEN YOUR DOG. YOU PROBABLY STOLE ME, BECAUSE YOU’RE ON METH.

GO TO REHAB. DRY YOURSELF OUT. YOU STILL HAVE SOME TEETH LEFT.

Have great weekend! Don’t do meth.

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Is she? She is, isn’t she?

Posted by AllieB on September 29, 2011

Everyone knows that InTouch is for photographic perusal ONLY and that their news reporting is almost always erroneous, but when they say things like this – I pay attention:

Exclusive: It’s Official: Jessica Simpson IS Pregnant!

The denim and FARM incident of 2k9 will never go away. Ever. BULGE.

No one is really giving InTouch an exclusive anything (except that stupid LeAnn Rimes, maybe – she is the WORST), but I’m going with it. To quote another newsworthy source, Hollywood Reporter, “Jess has sorta looked pregnant for awhile. Now she actually is!” I can’t decide if I want her to be or not…you can’t make fun of pregnant people for being fat. Though she could really blow up – the same article also reported that she’s craving nachos dipped in chocolate, so this is promising…I guess now she’ll actually have to confirm or deny via reputable news source. BOLO!

Speaking of bulge, I have undertaken the onerous burden of attending tastings with my Mom to choose a caterer for CKB’s wedding in March. I kid, this is like my favorite activity ever. You recall The Allie Awards, yes? No one has contacted me about being the face of the Allie’s…I could even MC the next award show. Who are you wearing, you look fabulous..!! Ok, my Allie Awards need some serious updating – a lot has changed since September 2010 and there are some HIGHLY egregious errors:

Best Hot Sandwich: Publix’s Philly Cheesesteak - was I on glue? Duh, it’s Mr C’s.

Best Quesadilla: Paul’s on the Patio (you’d be surprised) - well, they took it off the menu, so that’s gone. Plus their service blows. This one’s up for grabs – thoughts???

Best Stuffed Pasta (on a budget): Trader Joe’s Portobello Mushroom Ravioli - truth.

Best Stuffed Pasta (not so much on a budget): Sotto Sotto’s Ravioli Nudiyes.

Best Nachos: Tavern 99 - I’m humiliated that this is on BBT. I don’t even remember the food there; all I can think about are the waitresses in sexy umpire outfits. And by sexy I mean really really not. TREEHOUSE is the new winner on this one.

I have to go do some work before my third and final tasting this afternoon. And then go on a 5 or 3 mile yog. Do yourself a favor and check out Toe Pick SF today - and not just because I got a shout out (I love shout outs) but because it’s some good shiz.

 Just wanted to say hey to my gal pals. Hey!

Posted in Celebs, Food & Drink | Tagged: , , , , , | 7 Comments »