Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Posts Tagged ‘j simps’

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »

Hair Emergency

Posted by AllieB on April 26, 2011

When asked in a recent interview what her fiance, Eric I Don’t Even Care to Goog His Last Name, thinks is the ‘sexiest’ part about her, Jessica Simps responded:

“my billion dollar business”

“my enormous boobs”

“my eyes.”

Aw, bless her heart…

In related-yet-unrelated J Simps news: I purchased a pair of her wedges last week and I totally luv them. See – I’m not hating on her entire person, just a few of things the things she says/wears/does. Her shoes are cute and reasonable and these are quite comfy. I just can’t really hate someone whole heartedly, so I have to find their redeeming qualities. Unless we’re talking about Taylor Swift, because I can’t even stand her music anymore. I read an interview with Taylor recently that says she has “no interest” in becoming a “sex symbol.” Believe you me, Taylor, that is not going to be a problem.

Oh dear: the forecast in London for Friday calls for rain…lots of rain. Kate is known for her luscious, always perfectly coiffed locks, but there’s some weather that defies even the strongest of serums, and this is what concerns me – I know Kate’s hair, and it’s not dissimilar to my own in texture (not appearance – do I have my own staff blow-drying and styling my hair daily? No, I do not). This means to say: humidity is NOT our friend.

I stand corrected. There are literally no bad photos of Kate with poufy hair. Here I was, trying once again to level to playing field betwixt Kate and myself, and it’s just not possible. Her hair truly is glorious enough for the rest of us.

From left:

  1. the closest Kate has ever come to a hair emergency
  2. one of my most emergent hair emergencies (Notre Dame – Paris ’98)
  3. Kate’s hair win
  4. I had to throw myself a bone after #2

Forget any concerns I may’ve had re: Kate’s coif. She’ll be fine. I look forward to when I marry Prince Carl of Sweden and can also have perfect hair, every single day.

Posted in Arbitrary, Princess Kate | Tagged: , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

Boundaries 101

Posted by AllieB on April 13, 2011

YES!!! J Simps is talking in public again. She’s one of People’s Most Beautiful People for 2011, and, in the grand tradition of throwing herself under the bus whenever a potentially positive situation presents itself, she offered this sound bite in her interview:

Being well-endowed since sixth grade, the blonde bombshell points out that “there’s no way to hide them as much as you want to bandage your boobs down.” Simpson, 30, has since learned to embrace her chest as her “best accessory,” telling PEOPLE, “Now I can make my way in and out of parking tickets: Show the girls and give a wink!”

We get it: you have big boobs. This is not brand new information and now is certainly not the time to draw attention to the fact… Yes, you are attractive and I’m sure people in Middle America find you endearing, but your marketable appeal is more that you run a billion dollar fashion company that basically prints money. So…please stop talking about “the girls.” Really. Just stop.

This week’s Do Not Want features a completely creepy new trend called the “Cuddle Party.”

A Cuddle Party is: A structured, safe workshop on boundaries, communication, intimacy and affection. A drug and alcohol-free way to meet fascinating people in a relaxing environment….this playful, fun workshop has been a place for people to rediscover non-sexual touch and affection…a great networking event to meet new friends, roommates, business partners and significant others.

How unpleasant. I’m sure Cuddle Party Rule #1 is meant to assuage my discomfort, but WHY ARE THEY IN THEIR PAJAMAS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

  1. Pajamas stay on the whole time.

Let’s play Would You Rather: would you rather attend a Cuddle Party for five minutes, or drink a cocktail of three-day-old chili and dip spit. I would choose the latter twice, perhaps thrice, over a CP. I really think I would.

Sister gets credit for Cuddle Party (you would), and I read about the chili/spit concoction in the WSJ a few weeks ago – this jokester Livian Hernandez is a catcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks, and sipping on sludge is the least of his shenanigans. He once ate 11 bananas in four minutes. Shenanigans, I tell you!

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

Bummer

Posted by AllieB on April 12, 2011

Well, this is really too bad. Old Britney vs New Britney. Sick Dance Moves vs Are You Sick? Dance Moves. Wow, You Are an Awesome Dancer vs Wow, You Were an Awesome Dancer. Moonwalk vs Electric Slide. J Simps Newlyweds vs J Simps Employee of the Month. Allie vs Hilary. If it ain’t broke but then you break it, you can’t necessarily fix it….whatevs, you get my drift; it’s not good.

You do NOT need sound to appreciate her rump shakin booty awesomeness/slightly less awesomeness.

I will always, always love B Spears…but…at some point everyone has to retire and hang up their nude-colored bodysuits – Glory Days don’t last forever. From PopDust by way of NYMag.

Today my horo began with this:

Who wants to order the prix fixe dinner when you can belly up to the buffet table?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – these people have got my number. Elle.com -> best horos ever.

Today I am trying out the Yumbii food truck because I have never been to it and have been dying to go. I love tacos! Also, it is their day in Buckhead, so it’s convenient. Holla!

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

Racks come in all shapes and sizes

Posted by AllieB on March 30, 2011

Due to this crap weather, I found myself wide awake at the vampire hour of 5AM this morning. Never one to waste even a moment of unexpected free time, I decided to assemble my new over-the-door shoe rack I purchased at Bed, Bath & Beyond. I have the bad habit of hurling my shoes into the back of my closet when I’m done with them, which is good for neither shoe nor ease of locating said shoe, so I decided to get a shoe rack.

Wayne: What is it?
Stacy: It’s a gun rack.
Wayne: A gun rack… a gun rack. I don’t even own A gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do… with a gun rack?
Stacy: You don’t like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you’re not careful, you’re going to lose me. 
Wayne: I lost you 2 months ago. We broke up. Are you mental?

“Mental” is always a funny way to describe someone…Anyway, I found a reasonably priced rack that declared, “EASY ASSEMBLY!” and “NO TOOLS REQUIRED!” Super, I thought, as I picked up the suspiciously small box. This should have been my first clue.

Step 1: wtf.

:|

Step 2: I persevered nevertheless…

This looks like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Step 3: Turns out it wasn’t rocket science. Thankfully, these photos do not show the lapse of time between each step…there were some… ‘issues’ between steps dos y tres.

Ta da! Meet & Greet: some of my skis shoes.

It was a very productive way to start my day. My next project is assembling an entertainment center from IKEA. I may or may not document that endeavor…

OMG it’s the season finale of Top Chef tonight!!! If Atlanta’s Richard Blais (of burger joint FLIP – two in ATL and one in B’ham) doesn’t beat that guido Mike, I’m going to be very displeased. And I’ll know exactly who to blame: Gail. Gail is the WORST and my ears bleed every time she starts to talk. Stuff it, Gail.

Claire and I were goog’ing some relevant, important topics on Saturday, including but not limited to: “Jessica Simpson fat.” We stumbled upon this photo, and I felt like it was Christmas, my birthday, and Make Someone Uncomfortable Day all rolled into one glorious happening. Further examination revealed that not only is that a fat suit/costume, but it’s probably not even her….sigh. The heart wants what the heart wants.

from buzzhollywood.com

Racks: gun, shoe, J Simps…..different shapes and sizes…get it?

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , | 7 Comments »

A girl crush and a girl I’d like to crush

Posted by AllieB on January 24, 2011

Dear Genie in a bottle or similar,

I have three wishes for today/this afternoon. Let’s see what we can work out.

  1. I wish I looked like Minka Kelly because she looks awesome in these pics for her new movie w Leighton Meester (can’t wait to see!), and AND she is Tim Riggins’s dreamweaver on FNL. I think I would really enjoy being his dreamweaver. Heeeey, Minka. First Mila, now Minka…I guess I have a thing for long-haired brunette beauties who have weird two-syllable M-names. Minka might be kind of boring, actually, but I’m still carrying my torch for Mila.
  2. I wish that Season Two of Nurse Jackie was on Showtime OnDemand
  3. I wish that Jessica Simpson would refrain from tweeting about her fiance’s “perfect Tush.” And I really really wish that, when I goog’ed “Jessica Simpson Tush,” I hadn’t learned about a song entitled Push Your Tush that J Simps wrote for her 2006 album, An Epic Fail A Public Affair. I really hate being such a jerk when it comes to Jessica, but she really brings out the curmudgeon in me and I get very frustrated with what a dope she is. Here are some lyrics. This is embarrassing.

My head feels like it might explode…I think the last stanza really did me in. Maybe I should wish for a greater understanding when it comes to the exhausting behavior of idiot celebrities on my next wishlist. Speaking of idiot celebrities, LiLo is out and about and looking well…! Wishing you only the best, LiLo…see look – I can be nice.

Posted in Celebs, Really? | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »