Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Archive for January, 2011

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The results are in, amigo. What’s left to ponder?

Posted by AllieB on January 24, 2011

It’s all happening…!

The rumors have been circulating for years – years! – but the confirmation has finally been confirmed: the sequel to Zoolander will be released in 2012. This is not exactly brand new information, but I am pleased to know that they are making progress. The script is finito and Ben Stiller even shared some basic plot details (credit: NYMag):

“Now the studio has the script and we’re at that point where we’re waiting to see what they want to do. It’s ten years later and most of it is set in Europe. I don’t want to give away too much, but it’s basically Derek and Hansel ten years later – though the last movie ended on a happy note a lot of things have happened in the meantime. Their lives have changed and they’re not really relevant anymore. It’s a new world for them. Will Ferrell is written into the script and he’s expressed interest in doing it. I think Mugatu is an integral part of the Zoolander story, so yes, he features in a big way.”

That really is a cool story, Hansel.*

Girl Talk did not disappoint; it was awesome! We had seats in the balcony – by far the best in the house. Except for the fact that the balcony was moving…a lot…like bouncing up and down. This concerned me a bit, but, upon further examination, I realized that the people below us would actually be much worse-off should the balcony collapse, so it was fine. I also nearly pushed Sister over the railing – ACCIDENTALLY – but that definitely would’ve put a damper on the evening. Sorry, without any irony. I’ve been noticing a flux in thoughts of the macabre ilk, recently…might need to check on that…

BOLO for a balcony!

*Zing.

Posted in Celebs, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

Here’s what’s happening in your world tonight

Posted by AllieB on January 20, 2011

Good afternoon. This weather sucks.

BUT! Treehouse has deigned to join the rest of the free world in the Groupon et al craze, and for only $8 you can get $20 worth of food and/or booze without any restrictions! Click here for the deal; it’s only available until midnight.

Thanks for throwing us a bone, Treehouse. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’ve stopped going in protest against their refusal to offer happy hour specials or Recession-friendly deals, but really – it’s about time. Maybe I should buy a few more…

I’ve grown tired of picking on Boobs Legsly, and Jessica Simpson seems to finally be heeding my advice by going out in public less, so I’ve been forced to find a new target for my celebrity ridicule. Taylor Swift…COME ON DOWN! Newsflash: your relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal was total baloney. Write your little ditty about picking apples in New York and sharing pumpkin spice lattes or whatever you need to do to mourn the loss of your fake – not to mention gay – boyfriend, get your platinum records and Grammy’s and make your millions, but for the LOVE OF GOD leave US Weekly out of it.

What the crap – how are you so boring. Just looking at you makes me want to take a nap. The only thing that could make you more boring would be doing something like not serving alcohol at your 21st birthday and having platters of cookies instead. Oh, wait…..

Girl Talk is tomorrow at the Tabernacle! If you don’t have tickets you’re probably S.O.L. unless you want to fork over $100…fortunately, I do not fall into that category, thanks to Leila, and have been accumulating glow sticks for weeks. I’ve also been preparing for my transition to Dance-Floor Allie by way of nightly stretching and some solo head banging – it’s like I’m the White Swan morphing into the Black…..except not because that would freak everyone out. DANCE PARTY!!!

Posted in Celebs, Really? | Tagged: , , , , , , | 8 Comments »

The future according to BBT

Posted by AllieB on January 19, 2011

Dictating the futures of fictional characters is surprisingly empowering. Earlier today, I read this amazing article which details the lives of every member of the Baby-Sitters Club as adults: The Baby-Sitters Club: Where Are They Now. This is the first line:

Kristy Thomas
Well obviously Kristy is a lesbian.

I enjoyed it so much that I decided to do one for Jessica and Elizabeth of Sweet Valley High…

Because karma’s a bitch, Jessica’s ruthless and selfish behavior throughout her youth results in a hard-living adulthood, rendering her weathered and washed-up at the age of 35 with no friends, no man, no job, and living in the makeshift pool house Elizabeth built behind her home. Her best frenemy, Lila, died of an overdose a decade earlier, and Bruce Patman turned out to prefer the company of men and took off for Miami as soon his trust kicked in at age 21.

One day, as  she was clearing out the attic of Elizabeth’s house, Jessica found her old cheerleading uniform. Instantly, Jessica is reminded of her strong will and ability to charm her way into anything she wants. She sets off to right her wrongs, My Name Is Earl-style, and ends up falling in love with one of the nerd boys whose life she made miserable in high school, who had just sold his company to Google for hundreds of millions of dollars. They get married and travel the world in a boutique cruise ship, booking one suite for themselves and another for her 8 dogs, all mutts. At age 94 they die side by side in their sleep. Their fortune is bequeathed to an animal shelter.

Good, ole reliable Elizabeth…she married Todd, they had three kids, live in the same split-level ranch with the pool in the backyard that she grew up in (Mom and Dad died suddenly at age 65 in a freak accident involving a contrived African safari in San Diego and a very cranky rhinoceros) and she still zips around town in a red convertible, allowing her to flaunt her “wild side” every now and again.

But Elizabeth has a secret… unbeknownst to anyone in Sweet Valley, including her best friend Enid (with whom she co-founded the Sweet Valley Knitting Coalition) she also runs a private S&M website accessible only by monthly fee. Meanwhile, her husband, Todd, has developed something of a gambling problem and takes off in the middle of the night for a casino in Minnesota, never to be heard of again…

Unable to cope, Elizabeth immerses herself in her “craft,” totally neglecting her now teen-aged children. Taking charge, Jessica takes a break from her jaunt around the world and ensconces them in elite boarding schools on the East Coast, where they flourish both academically and socially. No one’s real sure what became of Elizabeth…

That was fun. Who else can I do…?

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , | 5 Comments »

Workin’ on my night cheese

Posted by AllieB on January 19, 2011

I could write a whole post about my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – which does exist, by the way – but I choose not to. Instead I shall write about Snooki’s new novel, A Shore Thing. Meet Gia and Bella, two girls who are not-so-loosely based on Snooki and JWow, respectively. That’s fine with me – stick with what you know, I always say (credit: NYPost).

* “Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

* “Gia had never before been in jail. It wasn’t nearly as gritty and disgusting as she’d seen on TV prison shows. The Seaside Heights drunk tank — on a weekday afternoon — was as clean and quiet as a church.”

* “I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk.”

Titillating stuff…maybe I’ll buy it on my Nook for my upcoming trip to Pakistan (more on that later). Also, three songs by The Whigs – with lead singer Parker Gispert, one of my oldest nearest and dearest - were featured thrice on Monday night’s episode of Jersey Shore…I thought “Someone’s Daughter” was particularly apropos.

YKenna has shared with me a new blog devoted to awkwardness: www.umawkward.com.

MASH

This reminds me of Sister and me. Guess who’s who. I bet I could do a whole sub-blog on BBT featuring various categories of Awkward: Encounters with Strangers, Loss of Filter at a Staff Meeting, Babysitting Moments, Attempts to Ascend an Escalator and so on…between my daily blunders and those executed by my peeps, I would really have endless material from which to choose. Hmm. Mayhaps.

Last weekend in Athens, MPvZB, Sis, Leila and I reacquainted ourselves with the wonder that is Liz Lemon. Join us, won’t you?

Did this seem a little meh to you? It did to me. It must be my SAD talking.

Posted in Really? | Tagged: , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Today is the most…ugh, whatever

Posted by AllieB on January 17, 2011

Today is the third Monday in January, thus, according to British psychologist Cliff Arnall, it is the most depressing day of the year. Something about weather plus holiday debts plus failed New Year’s resolutions makes it such.

Whatever his formula is, it seems fitting. I didn’t work at all last week and am in severe denial about being here today. I’m glad to be doing something, I guess…fortunately, as it’s only the third week of the year, I don’t yet feel badly about not accomplishing my non-resolution resolutions. Oh. They probably mean my ones from 2010…dammit. Actually, I did okay for myself last year – hey, things are lookin’ up…!

Anyway, if you’re looking for some ideas as to how to celebrate Blue Monday, as it is so-called, here are some ideas (per NYMag).

  • Hold yourself as you rock back and forth in the shower with your clothes on.
  • Type out a comprehensive list of all the goals you’ve failed to accomplish and all the dreams you’ll never fulfill.
  • For dinner, put on a pair of ill-fitting sweatpants and a stained sweatshirt and eat cereal out of the box while you lie in bed.
  • Watch Requiem for a Dream, followed by The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, followed by Million Dollar Baby, followed by Shoah.

Neat. Those are some really great ideas. That first tip makes me think of the HORRIBLE and incredibly effective anti-meth commercials that I won’t even link to here on BBT because they are so disturbing; if you want to see them, goog “meth commercials Georgia.” But maybe wait until tomorrow – they will not help your Blue Monday blues. In that same vein (wordplay!), I wouldn’t watch Requiem for a Dream again for anything – even if my only other theatrical option was In the Land of Women, I wouldn’t watch it. Attn: Mr. Aronofsky, something is not quite right in that temple topper of yours…

I gotta say, just recognizing the bleakness of today in this manner has cheered me up significantly. Boo yah, Blue Monday.

And you can always just be glad you didn’t show up to an internationally televised awards program looking like Helena Bonham Carter did at the Golden Globes last night. I know she’s all ‘zany’ and ‘unique’ and whatever, but WTF is going on here. Be more normal, please, and, frankly, less terrifying.

from NYMag.com

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , | 5 Comments »

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