Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Mediocre at Best

Posted by AllieB on January 6, 2012

I’m not really one for late night talk shows, but the other night I watched The Best of Conan – that wasn’t what it was called, but that’s what it was – and it was hilarious. I even made notes in my archaic smartphone device about the particularly funny segments so I could share on BBT. The first is a commercial for the world’s most expensive toilet. I guess you don’t technically need sound, but I just watched without it and it was much less funny…retract: you do need sound.

The other note I made to myself was “Newt owes Tiffany money” and I have no idea what I was talking about, so I guess that’s it.

Yesterday was a fun day on BBT. I think I’ll do more flow charts in the future – I’ve just barely dipped my toe in the wonder that is Power Point, and I think I like it.

The Duchess Catherine of York – Princess Kate – turns 30 on Monday!! It was this time last year that my obsession fondness for her was just heating up…I wish she could get married every year. According to NYMag, her birthday party is going to be 80’s themed!! I’m a bit confused as to why that long-torsoed Pippa left me off the guest list…wtf, Pippa? I really took the whole Kate thing to a new level on BBT…it even has its own category…looking back, I’m thinking that the “single white female” comments were not so much jokes as expressions of concern. If you’d like to take a trip down memory lane, I suggest “Hair Emergency” – not only do I discuss the gloriousness of Kate’s (and my own) hair, but I also rain some truth on J Simps and Taylor Swizzle. Good times.

I think I need to expand my horizons….but not today. Happy weekend!!! Keep it classy like Liz Lemon.


Posted in Arbitrary, Princess Kate | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

If you have to ask, the answer is no

Posted by AllieB on January 5, 2012

Oh, look – it’s Jessica Simpson. My biggest concern, I think, is that she’s so top-heavy she’s going to topple over. To quote a wise acquaintance, she looks like a kite – a very large, incapable of ever possibly taking flight kite. WHY DOES SHE REFUSE TO HIRE A STYLIST.

Gracias, Y Kenna.

J Simps is a great segue to my next subject – you know she sends some seriously manic texts: “I’M OUT OF CHOCOLATE OH WAIT I JUST FOUND SOME CRUMBS IN MY CIRCLE SCARF PLEASE BRING ME SOME CHEETOS WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU?!” … or something like that. Please refer to the flow chart below. ErinD sent it to me, and I got a kick out of it largely because I have a history of sending the most redonkulous texts ever. I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I should compile a coffee table book or similar. (It should be noted that people on the receiving end of these messages have never made such a suggestion.) Back in the day, I could have had my very own thumbnail on Texts From Last Night. Luckily, I’m totally in control of the disorder nowadays – much to the relief of everyone in my phone book.

Even if I’d had access to this during my texting heyday, I’m not sure it would have helped – namely because I can’t read from right to left or down to up, but also because it’s completely extraneous. Allow me (this is my maiden flow chart, so bear with me):

Personally, I think my guide proffers a much simpler solution to all texting malfeasances. And it would behoove me to take my own advice….wisdom: imparted.


Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , | 9 Comments »

Post about how BBT is awesome and The Bachelor is not

Posted by AllieB on January 4, 2012

BBT is not an open book; that was never the plan. Mayhaps one day I’ll start an anonymous blog so I can finally do surveys with the sorts of questions the male contingent has asked that I ask – none of which I can even kind of describe to you here – but til then I like to hold my cards close re: real facts and information. Be that as it may, I share with you some statistics about BBT. Sharing these goes directly against everything I just said.

  • since its conception in July 2k10, I have published 279 posts on Baxter Bark Twice.
  • in 2011, BBT was viewed almost 100,000 times (NOT counting spam, bots, or spiders – I like the numbers a whole lot more when I include those guys, but…the blogging oath and all that). According to my WordPress Jetpack Site Stats, this means that if BBT was a concert at Madison Square Garden, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it. Neat. Kind of an odd metaphor, but it’s nice to have a visual.
  • 37 percent of all visits were new visits, the remaining 63 percent, obviously, returning. Of those 63 percent returning visitors, 51 percent visited over 25 times. Super neat.

This sounds an awful lot like bragging and a little bit like a math problem, neither of which are things BBT condones, but I’m kinda proud of myself – especially given my incredibly scattered content and lack of direction. Besides, a blog is nothing without her readers, so it’s really you I have to thank…except Hilary.

MUZZLE. Let’s talk about something else.

As much as I abhor all things Bachelor/Bachelorette, I tuned in for the season premier on Monday. It is insane. IT IS SO INSANE. What on EARTH is happening?! Sloan Crosley – you recall my bestie Sloan – tweeted that she’d like to be a Behind the Scenes Manipulator on The Bachelor. I agree. First, there’s the Monica v Jenna feud, next you’ve got Monica aggressively coming on to Blakely and them canoodling on the chaise, and then there’s Jenna going absolutely, completely BATSH*T BONKERS and crying nonstop for hours (cute dress, though – good beadwork). I just don’t even know what to make of the season, especially when the Bachelor in question is Ben. He was such a non-presence in the first episode it easily could have been called 30 Totally Loony Women Dressed Like Skanks and Drinking Too Much in a Random House For No Reason At All. There’s no way I can watch another second I’ll see if I can stick it out for another week, but I’m not optimistic.

From left: Jenna, the spineless crier, and Monica, the unhinged pseudo-lesbian psychopath, both of whom made it thru the first rose ceremony. Houston, we have a problem.

For a more comprehensive recap, I – begrudgingly – direct you towards Betches Love This Site. They pretty much nailed it…but of course they did; it’s right up their alley.

As for upcoming topical topics, people have been asking for some Facebook etiquette tips. Or not tips so much as what is absolutely NOT okay to share on the book of face. I tread lightly in this area as there is a very real chance I could offend an avid reader. I have an illness and it’s called pleasing people. I think I need to get over that. Any tips? Kara?

Oh, I just finished a very good book: The Rules of Civility by Amor Towles. I reserved it at the library like 5 months ago, and it just came in – I couldn’t even remember what it was about or why I wanted to read it, but it was excellent. It takes place in 1938 in New York City – actually, People Magazine can say it better than I can: “Put on some Billie Holiday, pour a dry martini and immerse yourself in the eventful life of Katey Kontent…[Towles] clearly knows the privileged world he’s writing about, as well as the vivid, sometimes reckless characters who inhabit it.” Recommend for females only, I think. A, go ahead and order it…for boys, READ THE HUNGER GAMES.

There is more than one relevant item on this list of 20 New Year’s Resolutions for 20-Somethings. Even if you’ve already rounded out your list of NY Ressies, you should check these out. Even if you’re not in your 20’s or think you’re better than resolutions, reading this is worth a minute of your time. Credit: Haley G.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , | 6 Comments »

The Year of the Dragon

Posted by AllieB on January 3, 2012

I’m jumping the gun on the Chinese Zodiac here, but it seemed like an aggressive, carpe diem sort of title which is only fitting for post numero uno of 2k12.

Happy New Year!!! It’s gonna be a good one – I can feel it in me bones. I aim to get a bit more personal with you peeps in the coming year, but that won’t be starting today. No, today I will pass along just a few points of interest, then you can carry on with your Tuesdays. Freaking Tuesdays.

If you are a Comcast subscriber, Showtime is offering FREE ACCESS this coming weekend. This is excellent news as Sunday, January 8, includes the season premiers of Shameless and Californication, and the series premier of House of Lies. I’ve been ranting and raving for months about how mandatory it is that you all have Showtime, and now you can just figure it out for yourself. But be sure you listen up for my voice in your head saying, “I told you so” accompanied by a knowing flat face when you’re on the phone with Comcast next Monday morning. If one more person comes up to me and says, “omigosh I am just LOVING that show Homeland!! Have you seen it??” …. I will pull a Nick Brady and punch them in the throat.

I’m no longer an avid AJC reader – I get my news from NYMag and the Today Show, which means I tend to know very little about local events, but I was at my parents’ house yesterday and stumbled upon award winning cartoonist Mike Luckovich’s favorite cartoons of 2011. He’s one of the AJC’s few claims to fame, and I really like his stuff. Check out the slide show here…and my favorite below.

RIP :(

Also sad: Georgia’s loss yesterday. Pretty irrelevant but football related: Oregon’s chrome helmets in yesterday’s Rose Bowl game were pretty rad. And that’s all I have to say about sports.

There’s no better day for hibachi than January 1, and I’d like to give a quick nod to Nakato on Cheshire Bridge: reasonable prices (particularly if you get in there for the Early Bird Special: 6:30 or before Sunday – Thursday), entertaining staff, and excellent pink sauce. And, I don’t know if you knew this or not, but Tower Liquor is now open on Sundays, and it’s right around the corner…

January kind of sucks because there’s a real emphasis on self-improvement and change and the righting of wrongs and other things of moderate to extreme difficulty. I guess it’s exciting in some senses – fresh start, clean slate, etc. – but mostly it just makes me tired. Or so it has in the past….this year is a totally different ballgame. BOLO for Active Allie, Backbone Baxter, and an All-Round-Better BBT. Like I said: it’s the Year of Dragon…I’ll be channeling Lisbeth Salander for the first few weeks, at least.

Welcome home, PALLISON!!! I feel whole once again.

From left: me & you :) Just kidding – here’s a much nicer/accurate rendition of us…

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , | 5 Comments »

Where’s my penthouse?

Posted by AllieB on December 28, 2011

There is a lot of money floating around in Russia, and this guy’s got a bulk of it. Dmitry Rybolovlev, a fertilizer kingpin – obviously, just purchased the most expensive apartment in New York City for his daughter, a freshman in college. There are a few things worthy of note regarding this exorbitant acquisition:

  1. If you are a freshman in college in NYC, or even in the general ballpark of that age, it would behoove you to make friends with Mr. Fertilizer’s offspring. 2 words: house party. (Jordan, I’m looking at you.)
  2. Mr. Crap is ranked as the world’s 93rd richest person, worth approximately $9.5 billion as of March this year. That makes my head hurt.
  3. He is also in the process of getting divorced. Well, hellooooo Mr. Smelly {head toss, shoulder dip}

Check out pics/floor plan here. I want to go to there.

That’ll do.

Did you have a nice Christmas? I did. It was lurvely. My sisters were home for nine full days, so we got in lots of QT. My favorite new things include: my express electric kettle – it boils water in like under a minute!! Given the amount of Easy Mac tea I consume, this is a real luxury. I am also obsessed with my new Pierre Deux “Eau de le Maison” candle. It is the best smelling candle I have ever smelled, so you can imagine my dismay when I realized that Pierre Deux has closed. Ever resourceful, I did done some research and found the maker of this candle: Seda France. I also love my new DvF luggage – I never saw myself as a glamorous traveler, but this stuff is a real game changer – as well as my new home goods. Notably missing from my new possessions: a penthouse.

As we’ve learned, I am no good at reviewing movies, but I do have to acknowledge Girl with a Dragon Tattoo: it is awesome. It is very long, but unless you consume a (movie sized) medium diet coke AND a (brought from home) can of La Croix, you should be okay. Rooney Mara is excellent at encapsulating Lisbeth Salander’s rage/intelligence, and Daniel Craig is exactly who I always pictured to play Mikael Blomkvist. Even if you haven’t read the books, you need to see it. BBT says: two thumbs way up.

Uno mas shout out: Antica Posta. My whole fam went on Christmas Eve, and we enjoyed what was probably one of my top three meals of 2011. From the arugula salad (so fresh with LOTS of parmesean) to my roast chicken entree (a seasonal special – bursting with flavor) and my side of pasta (a carbonara of sorts with a gemelli noodle – I should note this is not a “side” so much as a $13 appetizer option…I wanted leftovers…) – it was awesome. Plus the bar area is very cool with double-height vaulted ceilings and cozy club chairs. Huge fan. I’d like to say I’ll be going back soon, but, while the food is not unreasonable, the wine list kinda is, and that’s what gets me. BBT says: have someone take you in the very near future.

I realize this whole post is kind of apropos of nothing, but ya gotta grease the wheels before you get back on the bike…or something, I just made that up.

HAPPY ENGAGEMENT TO SISSY AND BILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are no words that could do my happiness justice. It’s just…yay.

I don’t put boys on BBT, so here’s a pic of me and Sissy. Mash.

 Oh, and if you don’t have a lot going on in the workplace this week, take some time to appreciate this 35 picture retrospective of B Spears. Amazing. That “Hit Me Baby One More Time” video was to me what Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video was to pop culture in general…

Posted in Arbitrary, Food & Drink | Tagged: , , , , | 6 Comments »

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