Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

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Do as I say, never as I do

Posted by AllieB on April 20, 2011

I wish I could say, “disclaimer: the following story didn’t actually happen” or something, but I cannot. I swear I’m not a total social retard – like, I know I’m not – but when I fail, I do so spectacularly.

Cut to: Saturday at Kramers. I was sitting casually at the bar, as I did for entirely too long that day, and I found myself without anyone to talk to. Since I am comfortable sharing this detail, it is obvious that I am not a loser, I just am by myself sometimes. . . anyway, there I was, sitting, and I thought, hey – why not meet someone new. So I turned to the gentleman sitting a few seats down from me, assessed the situation, and tried to think of something to say.

Me: Did you know your beer is frozen?

Him: <stares at the obviously frozen beer, then back at me> Yeah, I actually did notice that.

Me: I hate it when that happens…did you, uh, bring it from home?

Him: <with a look that could only be described as pity, swivels on stool, conversation terminated>

No. He did not bring his frozen beer from home, Allie, YOU IDIOT.

I’m going to change the subject.

Last night I made a really delicious omelette – how the H do you spell omlette?!? Anyway, I sauteed some green peppers, onions, and shrooms, poured in my egg whites, added some mozz cheese and a liberal douse of Tabasco and voilà!

Admittedly, this is not a photo of my meal – mine was slightly less photogenic. Things went awry when Missy Baxter tried to eat the homemade chocolate chip cookie dough I’d just made, and I had to leave my egg-based creation unattended over open flame…whatevs, it still tasted great, and I had a grapefruit to go with it. Bon appétit, indeed.

Speaking of Français, my parents stayed here last night. I’m stuck wrassling over cookie dough with the dog while they’re sipping champagne in Champagne.

:|

Lastly, Grindhouse Killer Burgers opened a new outpost yesterday, conveniently located on Piedmont in Morningside, complete with liquor license and patio, not to mention their famously awesome burgers. BP & Pantalones – we can hit that up for Friday lunch.

Posted in Arbitrary, Food & Drink | Tagged: , , , , , | 8 Comments »

Yeah…I’m kind of over it.

Posted by AllieB on April 19, 2011

Newsflash: I love all things Kate Middleton. And I really think she would love all things Allie Baxter, if I hypnotized her or tricked her in some way given the chance. I think it’s our uncanny similarities: our path to royalty, our ability to stay poised and collected in the face of turmoil, our impeccable appearance…truly, the list goes on. I cannot wait to see what her dress looks like, and I know the wedding itself will be glorious, but, that said….I am kind of over everyone else’s obsession.

Really, Papa John’s? (The Hairpin)

People are saying that her wedding will be the most watched event ever, in the history of television, and I realize you’d have to be a real dunce to not want to score in on the cash cow that is a Royal Wedding, but it’s become less fun for me, somehow. Ok, wait, I actually just did the research to back my previous statement, and they are expecting TWO BILLION people to tune in. This, plus the 400 million who will watch via other media (online, etc.) will account for over a quarter of the world’s population. Needless to say, the mind reels.

I dunno, I’m just a little bored, is all. I could only make it through half of the Lifetime movie last night, and I am kind of sick of the “speculating” about honeymoon destinations and what her dress looks like. Chill out, peeps, we’ll know when we know. Kate has already told me, telepathically, but I clearly won’t divulge.

I am ever devoted to Princess Kate, and I will absolutely be one of the two billion watching next Friday morning, but I’m going rogue til then – unless you have a fridge wrapping or similar to send me, I’m out.

In other celeb-crazy news: Tim Riggins Beer Popsicles – Tim Rigginsicles. Tina, shall we make some this weekend – some poolside refreshments, perhaps? They give you step-by-step instructions, so it’ll be super easy….

My level of kiddingness is neg.

Posted in Arbitrary, Princess Kate | Tagged: , , , , | 8 Comments »

That’s Enough Advice, Bark Twice

Posted by AllieB on April 14, 2011

For my third advice column, I’m doing actual questions asked by actual people…ish. I liberally paraphrased the following questions from multiple convos with multiple people, but I can do that because I call the shots around here.

Dear BBT,

I want to meet new boys – where/how can I do that?

-Single and Ready to Mingle

Dear Never Refer to Yourself as “Ready to Mingle” Again,

Service projects! Philanthropic social events! match.com! Irby Avenue!

I really have no idea. But what I do know is this: leave :| at home – no one wants to talk to Flat Face.

Dear BBT,

My friend is such a drama queen and I really don’t think I can take it anymore. I don’t want her to think I don’t care, but I also don’t think I can handle another second of her bitching and moaning. Thoughts?

-End of My Rope

Dear Join the Club,

Take it easy, JtC – being dramatic about another’s drama helps no one…I think lots of times people just go thru phases where they have their head so far up their own ass that they don’t know up from down. Maybe take a little breather – go invisi on gchat, hang out with a different group of friends for the weekend…sometimes space is the best medicine.

This is not good advice – space is the best medicine?? I really don’t know what to say…YOU’RE a drama queen.

Maybe I’m not as good at the wisdom imparting as I thought. I think I’ll stop now.

It’s just as well, anyway, because Zirkle #3 shared with me an amazing blog that is equal parts fascinating and terrifying – not only in subject matter, but also re: the domepiece of its creator. There’s obscure…and then there’s morphing famous celebs with Steve Buscemi’s eyes.

Anne Hathaway + Steve Buscemi's eyes = nightmares 4 life

I am repulsed, yet I can’t look away. There are so many awesomely horrible ones…Heidi is a favorite,  and the Kardashians…here – have a gander: Chicks with Steve Buscemeyes.

Posted in Arbitrary, Really? | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

Boundaries 101

Posted by AllieB on April 13, 2011

YES!!! J Simps is talking in public again. She’s one of People’s Most Beautiful People for 2011, and, in the grand tradition of throwing herself under the bus whenever a potentially positive situation presents itself, she offered this sound bite in her interview:

Being well-endowed since sixth grade, the blonde bombshell points out that “there’s no way to hide them as much as you want to bandage your boobs down.” Simpson, 30, has since learned to embrace her chest as her “best accessory,” telling PEOPLE, “Now I can make my way in and out of parking tickets: Show the girls and give a wink!”

We get it: you have big boobs. This is not brand new information and now is certainly not the time to draw attention to the fact… Yes, you are attractive and I’m sure people in Middle America find you endearing, but your marketable appeal is more that you run a billion dollar fashion company that basically prints money. So…please stop talking about “the girls.” Really. Just stop.

This week’s Do Not Want features a completely creepy new trend called the “Cuddle Party.”

A Cuddle Party is: A structured, safe workshop on boundaries, communication, intimacy and affection. A drug and alcohol-free way to meet fascinating people in a relaxing environment….this playful, fun workshop has been a place for people to rediscover non-sexual touch and affection…a great networking event to meet new friends, roommates, business partners and significant others.

How unpleasant. I’m sure Cuddle Party Rule #1 is meant to assuage my discomfort, but WHY ARE THEY IN THEIR PAJAMAS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

  1. Pajamas stay on the whole time.

Let’s play Would You Rather: would you rather attend a Cuddle Party for five minutes, or drink a cocktail of three-day-old chili and dip spit. I would choose the latter twice, perhaps thrice, over a CP. I really think I would.

Sister gets credit for Cuddle Party (you would), and I read about the chili/spit concoction in the WSJ a few weeks ago – this jokester Livian Hernandez is a catcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks, and sipping on sludge is the least of his shenanigans. He once ate 11 bananas in four minutes. Shenanigans, I tell you!

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , | 4 Comments »

Bummer

Posted by AllieB on April 12, 2011

Well, this is really too bad. Old Britney vs New Britney. Sick Dance Moves vs Are You Sick? Dance Moves. Wow, You Are an Awesome Dancer vs Wow, You Were an Awesome Dancer. Moonwalk vs Electric Slide. J Simps Newlyweds vs J Simps Employee of the Month. Allie vs Hilary. If it ain’t broke but then you break it, you can’t necessarily fix it….whatevs, you get my drift; it’s not good.

You do NOT need sound to appreciate her rump shakin booty awesomeness/slightly less awesomeness.

I will always, always love B Spears…but…at some point everyone has to retire and hang up their nude-colored bodysuits – Glory Days don’t last forever. From PopDust by way of NYMag.

Today my horo began with this:

Who wants to order the prix fixe dinner when you can belly up to the buffet table?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – these people have got my number. Elle.com -> best horos ever.

Today I am trying out the Yumbii food truck because I have never been to it and have been dying to go. I love tacos! Also, it is their day in Buckhead, so it’s convenient. Holla!

Posted in Arbitrary | Tagged: , , , | 2 Comments »

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