Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

How to Lose Friends & Alienate People

Posted by AllieB on January 23, 2014

I write today about choosing the company you keep. At this point in my life, I know exactly who I like, who I don’t like, and who I wish to send here, and it’s time to make some changes. I’ve outlined some methods that focus on the implementation of passive-aggressive behavior – as everyone knows, such conduct is a highly effective and emotionally prudent way to drop the zeros and get with only heroes.  See below.

#1: Trim the Fat. Cut the B-Team. You know – the people who are a third, maybe fourth resort when you’re looking to make plans. Wouldn’t you rather stay home than force awkward conversation while pretending to not look over their shoulder to see if there’s anyone better to talk to? I would. Done. It’s hard enough to keep your inner circle at arms length – these peeps gotta go.

#2: Just Say No. “Allie, want to get lunch today?” Nope. “Does anyone want to meet for happy hour?” Sure don’t. “Want to go shopping in Brooklyn?” Absolutely not. “So-and-so’s playing at Bowery tonight – wanna go?” What do you think?

#3: Flat Face. I talk about “flat face” all the time: it is the ultimate unimpressed expression that reeks of judgement and disdain. Cut to a Thursday evening at your favorite bar/restaurant –  you’re sitting at a table with a few friends, having a really fun conversation, oblivious to all around you. Then you sense it: the lurking presence of some stain primed to ruin everything. He interjects, “Well, hey there ladies…” Say nothing, just turn slowly to him with your flattest face and maintain eye contact for a couple seconds – trust me, he’ll pick up what you’re putting down…he might even cry a little. Be advised: this sometimes goes awry if you’re with people who do not employ FF and instead entertain strangers as though they might bring something of value to the evening. When this happens, you will look like a total bitch. Me, I say: Mission Accomplished!

flat faced

:|

#4: Radio Silence. Stop responding altogether.

#5: Salt-n-Pepa. Conversely, let’s say someone has decided to ignore you – who knows why, probably because of something you did – and they’re trying to utilize the approach described in #4. Under no circumstances will you take this lying down: instead you assault (“salt”) them with texts and pepper (“pepa”) them with questions. This strategy is actually empowering because you are knowingly foiling their Radio Silence plan, and knowledge is power. The Mess-er, as they say, becomes the Mess-ee. See below for a “salting” in the literal sense.

salt the snail

Sister, you are to me what Gail the Snail is to Charlie. xoxo

So there ya have it – 5 easy steps to fewer friends and more enemies…you are welcome! Also, I’m kidding*

*Except for number 3**

**OK, let’s get real for a sec: I’m trying – like in real life – to do the opposite of everything I just said. Especially #3, even though that’s going to be very hard for me, but it’s time to expand my horizons. I realized recently I am my own worst enemy when it comes to social ventures – I’m used to being included by default, but if you say no enough people really will start to get the hint. It is incumbent upon my nearest and dearest to hold me accountable as I attempt to eradicate these bad habits. Consider this needlessly sarcastic post a cry for help.

ANYWAY in other news…

Superbowl XLVIII is Broncos v Seahawks! And it’s in NYC!! Actually, it’s in Jersey, but whatevs. Not gonna lie, I was pulling for Tom and the Pats on Sunday (I have a thing for Tom), but this should be a good game. TBD who I’m cheering for – right now I’m thinking I’ll take chicken wings over the hummus.

I made this in 2011 - I still think it's some of my best work

Alsele & Tom

What a nice, non-creepy photo. I hope Tom Brady doesn’t have a Goog alert set for his name…I’d be so embarrassed if Tom Brady saw this!

Aaaand the weather outside is weather.

Winter Storm Janus. Who's naming these things?!

Outside our apt Tuesday evening. Credit: my roomie OBatt

Winter Storm Janus hit the Northeast coast pretty rough on Tuesday. Who’s naming these things?!

I screen-grabbed my own Snap. Yep.

Post-spin, pre-#wine. I screen-grabbed my own Snap

Have wonderful Thursdays. MC & KR, I’m thinking margs for this eve…? A spicy jalapeno one, to be specific.

Posted in Arbitrary, Imparting Wisdom | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

BBT’s The Allie Awards

Posted by AllieB on January 16, 2014

If you’re reading this, then you already know: it’s Thursday.

Award season is upon us! I find the Oscars to be a little high-brow for my taste, so I’ve created my own awards: BBT’s The Allie Awards. Just like Lee Daniels did with The Butler, I had to add the BBT part as I did not want to be confused with (or sued by) the Allie Awards in Atlanta which honor excellence in event design, planning, and production. One of their awards is “Best Buffet” – I would’ve been really good at awarding that award. Award. And now, without further ado!

Best Use of Double Sided Tape: Amy Adams, American Hustle. By the end of the movie I wanted to climb into the screen and offer her a turtleneck

amy adams american hustle

could she V any hotter….

Bleakest Film Location: The Prisoners. Conyers, GA is not so scenic.

Best Film Location: Hunger Games: Catching Fire. The Atlanta History Center, on the other hand, is very scenic.

Best Eastern European Accent: Steve Carrell, Despicable Me: 2. I love these movies.

Hottest Actress Who is 23, Australian, and Plays in an Ice Hockey League for Fun: Margot Robbie in Wolf of Wall Street (read that – I was all set to be like, “LAME” but she is a delight!)

margot robbie

oh hey

Best Soundtrack: American Hustle. It’s legit. I’ve always kind of wished I was around in the 70′s…I think it’s my decade-that-should-have-been.

In Memory of the One Who Kept Us Up At Night…RIP Paul Walker: You’re the hottest QB there ever was.

paul walker varsity blues

My awards > The Academy’s.

#NewYorkLife: On Sunday I needed to get from TriBeCa to the West Village, something that is very easily accomplished by hopping on the 1 train right by my apartment. Very easily accomplished unless, of course, it’s No Pants Day on the subway. The only thing worse than a bunch of weirdos riding the New York City subway without their pants is nothing; there is nothing worse. I wound up using a Citibike instead – in spite of strong headwinds, no gloves, and silly flats (I am my own hero) – and, just to be on the safe side, I took a cab home.*

*I have very strict rules about when I can and cannot take cabs. Said rules are constantly changing in accordance to weather, my outfit, time of day, and level of laziness, but they are rigid and ironclad once I choose to apply them.

#NewYorkLife: Yesterday I took a yoga class after work. Due to various variables, I had to bring all my stuff with me to the office. Super-sized satchel + gym bag + YOGA MAT makes for an exciting morning rush-hour commute – lots of slinging things around, and I know I drilled a few people in the peepers. Talk about losing friends and alienating people: I sort of felt like her. Namaste.

worst lady on an airplane SNL

oh yes, and I had on a neck pillow #commutercomfort

Some housekeeping: I updated my Book List this week, and I removed my Atlanta Restaurant Guide. It was time, y’all. If anyone really wants to see a list of where to dine in Atlanta as of July 2012, by all means email me and I’ll send you a copy. Or you can look at it here.

Enjoy what I hope is a long weekend like mine. I’m looking at some chillaxin’, catching up on movies/tv, lbcha’s AND MHM’s bdizzles… Oh, woof – and SoulCycle. Gag me with a spoon. TGIT!

P.S. I’d be remiss to not share these “otherwordly” pics taken of NYC yesterday…this place is the coolest.

NYC fog

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Let’s do this

Posted by AllieB on January 9, 2014

We’ll start things off on a high note: Monday, January 6, was Blue Monday. According to some somewhat reliable sources, Blue Monday is the most depressing day of the year. Today is Thursday, January 9, which means you not only survived Blue Monday, but that you’ve already had your worst day of the year and every day hereafter will be better than the last. This is great news!! 2014 is going to be awesome!

Coming at you on a low, albeit obvious, note: my process of thought is seriously flawed.

I have many intentions for this year, and I’m writing them down. An “intention” is less scary and not as annoying as a “resolution,” but it more or less means the same thing. I know – again with the flawed thought process.

1. I will use my passport. A&K..!

where to go in 2014

I do not know where Latvia is or how one might go about getting there, but I am IN! Jetsetter is my new favorite site.

2. Be physically active for 30 minutes each day. (Confession: this one started off as “Leave the apartment every day” but that sounds really pathetic, so I changed it. There’s a chance it will change back – February up here is the worst, and there is literally nothing I cannot get delivered to my apartment. Literally, in the literal sense.)

3. Continue to be a non-presence on this list: The 30 Dumbest Things Drunk Women Have Ever Done.

4. Read less. I read so much crap – like legitimate, good-thing-it’s-on-my-Kindle-so-people-can’t-see-the-cover CRAP – and I need to stop indulging in these “books” which are probably making me dumber and work on my own stuff. If you’re not living you’re dying, right? Bao Bao, the panda cub at the Washington Zoo, probably has a shot at a book deal if this fluff is any indication of publishing standards.

Bao Bao whoops

5. Sign up for zero marathons.

I am reaching for the stars in Twenty-Fourteen!

Newsflash: this week was really cold. It was very cold here, it was very cold in Atlanta, and people in Chicago should really consider moving. However, Optimistic Allie is here to enlighten you as to some perks of the frigid weather. Optimistic Allie can always find the silver lining.

-you can hunker down indoors all day and not feel bad about it. I love a winter Saturday in a cozy, dark tavern.

-a blast of cold air to the face will snap you right of whatever catatonic state you’re in: hangover, lack of sleep, office-eyes (you know, when you’re indoors all day you get office eyes), etc….

-children swaddled within an inch of their lives, waddling around with scarecrow arms. I get a real kick out of swaddled kids.

-all of your TV shows are back with brand new episodes!! Me, I am excited about: Cougartown (yep), House of Lies, Downton, Scandal, and the second season of House of Cards on Feb 14. BRING IT, FRANCIS.

-The Winter Olympics. 40 Harry will be hosting an Olympics party, so start gathering your red, white, and blue spandex and BOLO for an invitation 3-4 days before the party. Speaking of the Winter Olympics, it is the 20th Anniversary of the Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan scandal. That whole thing was seriously insane…gah, amateur sports are totally boring these days.

-you burn more calories running in cold weather than in hot.

-I have a deep and abiding love for my puffer jacket, which I get to wear every day.

-winter selfies…! And the obligatory weather app screen-grab to prove that you are colder than everyone else. Except Chicago – Chicago wins.

winter collageTemp on Tues PM; stick ‘em up!; Greenwich Street last Fri; my 5-borough running gloves being put to use

Did I miss my calling as a motivational speaker?

2014 is the Year of the Horse, and it is also the Year of BBT. Happy Thursday and Happy Weekend and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the DUCHESS! Here are 32 GIFs of her and her hair being perfect.

407761-the-duke-and-duchess-of-cambridge-attend-the-awards-ceremony-for-the-a

 Here’s to another year of this.

P.S. I’ve had (Do It On My) Twin Bed stuck in my head since before Christmas.

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2013 -> No Más

Posted by AllieB on December 19, 2013

2013 was the year of – what: it was the year of twerking, Snapchat, Kanye, Netflix, and my 30th birthday. It was a lousy year for the cruise industry (CARNIVAL), but SNL has been pretty funny. As I do every year, I marvel at how quickly it’s gone by…luckily, the month of January feels like it’s 3 full years, all on its own, so I figure that’ll help balance things out. Here now, a woefully incomplete list of random things in 2013, superlative-ized.

- Most likely to boggle ze mind: Wall Street Journal does 2013 in photos. These are incredible – you gotta take a look.

super moon NYC

The super moon on June 23, 2013 as seen in Manhattan #badass

Most universally annoying thing that I secretly do not find annoying: selfies.

- Best example of why it’s great to be a Georgia Bulldog and not a SC Gamecock: Someone Caught Steve Spurrier Humping a Yoga Ball

- BBT’s most read post: ALRIGHT. So when I get mad, BBT gets good? (JSimps, the Post Office, the hot girl at Equinox…no one’s safe)

- BBT’s most gratuitous use of p0rn (spoiler: it’s food p0rn): Hide Your Crazy and Start Acting Like A Lady - I also like the post in general: personal truths, my new ‘hood, some tunes, and, of course, lobsta rolls…(I had to use a 0 instead of an o, my internet filter does not like that word.)

- Best place in the entire world to be around Christmas: NYC

grand central

- Most likely to wear short skirts and move to Boston and become a lawyer: my senior superlative in high school. The newspaper staff made them up, and I was on the newspaper staff so I got off easy – come to think of it, I might have even made it up myself… Nerd.

- Most likely to make you shake your first and ask, WHY GOD WHY: you can’t pick your family, and you can’t pick where you’re from: Grantland’s Rembert Brown does poetic justice to the injustice that was afflicted upon Atlanta sports fans this fall.

- Best dog of the year/century/millennium: Missy Baxter. We miss you, Missy :(

she got the paper every morning for most of her life, starting when she was a teeny tiny puppy and the paper was bigger than she was

she got the paper every morning for most of her life, starting when she was a teeny tiny puppy and the paper was bigger than she was

- …but this dog is a close second. This story made my entire year.

- Hardest restaurant to get a reservation: it’s not even in NYC – Canoe in ATL wins this. I called like 7 weeks ago and they were already booked up for Christmas Eve. WTF Canoe? Whatevs, ever since they started curtailing their bread basket by having waiters distribute SINGULAR pieces, as opposed to the legit carb orgy they used to do, I’m kind of over it anyway. UPDATE: Canoe literally just called – there was a cancellation, and we’re in. I take back what I said about the bread and being over it – y’all knew that was a bunch of BS. I guess Canoe is no longer worthy of this superlative, I’ll go with Charlie Bird (Mary, what’s your secret!?) or ABC Kitchen.

- Sneakiest giraffe/most typical tourists:

stupid tourists! serves them right.

As taken by me, with my iPhone, in Pilanesberg, ZA

- Most likely to suffer from injuries due to an omnipresent Melvin: Miley Cyrus.

- Most legitimately useful information that I will likely never use: these 99 life hacks. The mind REELS.

- Most inopportune moment to drop a curtsy: at my work  Christmas party, I walked out of the restroom at the same time as the President of our company did (he out of the men’s room, me out of women’s – duh), which is an inherently awkward meet and greet all on its own. Never one to miss out on a potentially humiliating encounter, I CURTSIED before him – just as one might the Queen – and raised my glass of champagne as I bade him a pleasant evening. Why would you do that, Allie? I don’t know.

- Most exclusive, seen-and-be-seen event of the year:

Doc4

- Least tan person in the world, on average, over the last 12 months: Me. Or maybe Fleming.

- Most likely to touch a frozen pole with her tongue and get stuck: Miley Cyrus.

- Best gift for the person who has everything – guarantee you they don’t have this: The Kanye West Pug Calendar: 2014% Awesome

kanye february

It’s been a good year! I blogged almost weekly (almost), I got my hair balayage-ed/ombré-ed (I think I like it?), and I rode the Staten Island Ferry.  I also knocked out my sixth continent and got Amazon Prime – 2013 was wild! Who knows what 2014 will bring for BBT…perhaps there will be some external ventures…maybe in the form of a novel? I KNOW, I’ll stop talking and start doing. HAPPIEST of Holidays to you and yours!!

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BBT Reveals: Things Girls Could Possibly Want & Things They Absolutely Do NOT Want

Posted by AllieB on December 12, 2013

It’s important to keep in mind that all of the answers given here are subject to mood-swings, the second/minute/hour of day, barometric pressure, and a gazillion other variables you couldn’t possibly anticipate.

And we’re back! Last week was an in-depth look into the hearts and minds of men (as they pertain to Christmas), and this week’s post will attempt to do the same for the ladies. I can tell you what they say they want, but as to what they truly desire, well – I am powerless to speculate. Here’s a tip for everyone, all shapes, sizes, genders: if you’re at a loss for what to get someone, just buy yourself Chromecast and call it a day. I did, and I couldn’t be happier – that’s the best gift of all, right? Chromecast streams Netflix and YouTube from your phone or computer (without zapping battery life or slowing things down) onto your TV. It is a USB drive that you plug into the TV. There are no cords, and it costs $35. This isn’t rocket science.

I digress. Here you go – what your lady friends want for Christmas:

girls want for christmas

This response to “Other” was by far the most lame of all the responses to any question, girl or boy: I wear the same stud earrings everyday and want something to spice up my daily look!

I can’t even tell if she’s kidding. For the sake of BBT’s integrity, I will assume she is. Moving on.

girls getting guys for xmas

Specified “Other” items included:

  • Jeans…sick of looking at his dad jeans
  • new clothes- specifically pants as the pleated khakis he wears sometimes resemble MC Hammers’
  • If I had a man I would buy him a gift for myself. Maybe that’s why I’m single.
  • Big Green Egg
  • A session with a medium. I swear we aren’t crazy.

Yeah…I’m pretty sure y’all are crazy.

And if you’re wise, you’ll pay close attention to this one: gifts that will make a girl go absolutely batsh*t bonkers (and not in a good way) are:

  • cirque du soleil tickets. Yuck.
  • anything that was on my wedding registry
  • ugly clothes that I can’t return
  • Any sort of class. If I want to learn how to do something, I will goog
  • victoria secret underwear
  • anything relating to cooking
  • A scale…
  • Crew neck christmas sweaters. WHY GOD WHY?
  • for him to get a puppy. 2013 is not the year of playing pick up the poop
  • My parents telling me the fact that they flew me home to visit for Christmas is a big enough gift.
  • coal in my stocking
  • Weird Jewelry/House Stuff/Anything Mature
  • a cookbook/cooking utensils/an apron/cooking lessons
  • SOCKS. I DO NOT WANT SOCKS.

I agree – coal would suck, and the one with the parents saying your ticket home for Christmas was gift enough…saddies :( On that note, THANK YOU, G-force and Geoff, for your kindness and generosity 365 days/year!

The responses to “The gift I want most in the world” were 80% about taking a really cool trip, 10% about a new house, 8% want a puppy and/or Ryan Reynolds, and then there was the doofus who wants a navy Porsche Cayenne with tan leather interior. SMH*

girls say santa

My takeaways are twofold: 1. I know some pretty bratty females, and 2. guys and girls aren’t so different after all: NO ONE WANTS SOCKS. In spite of the answers provided by my male and female cohorts, I think what everyone really wants (besides Chromecast) is a thoughtful gift that shows that the giver was truly thinking of the give-ee…and is not a piece of crap.

I’m realizing now that, once again, I neglected to take my own survey, so I will leave you with my answers.

1. This best describes what I want for Christmas: clothes, a trip, jewelry, and a spa day

2. I am getting the man in my life a beautiful, golden goose egg (I think nothing is a great gift for someone who does not exist)

3. I will go batsh*t bonkers if someone gets me….I can’t think of anything that would make me go loco. Y’all, a gift’s a gift.

4. Santa is: REAL.

TGIT! It was 14 degrees when I woke up this morning.

*I finally goog’ed what SMH stands for last week – it means “shaking my head”

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