Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

Marla Hooch: What a Hitter

Posted by AllieB on January 24, 2013

It’s not easy doing this – being strung along by the promise of awesomeness and glory, the sweet taste of victory in attainable, if-we-just-make-this-play reach…you know where I’m going with this: such is the life of a Georgia sports fan. I don’t know why the sports gods decided to screw so badly with our heads and hearts this year, but it was not fair. We rose up across the nation, and to no avail. It really sucks.

I pondered this at late nights on occasion in ATL, but now that I’ve moved up here and find myself walking and listening to music simultaneously I think about it a lot: what would my walk-out song be if I were a Braves player? What would blare over the loudspeakers to announce my presence as I sauntered/swaggered to home plate? Don’t scoff, I’m serious. This week my choice is Kashmir by Led Zeppelin, specifically at the 2:00 mark. Next week it might be DMX or Nicki Manaj…but this week it’s LZ.

Sister, yours would be “I’m a Loser Baby” by Beck.

loser

Thank you, Marla Hooch, for taking the time to share your thoughts on BBT today. You probably won’t be invited back.

And now, for the weather. It is soul-crushingly cold in NYC this week.  I’ve heretofore never experienced this kind of chill, where you’re in physical agony after two minutes outside, even when you’re APPROPRIATELY dressed. Never was I ever appropriately dressed in Atlanta. Rain, cold, snow – I just suffered for the 10 second walk to my car and wore backless shirts year round whatever I pleased. Today I am wearing leg warmers seriously, without any irony. I purchased them at American Apparel for a dress-up engagement party (great idea, btw, highly recommend a costume-required engagement party), and I am wearing them today with boots. Y’ALL IT IS COLD. Normally I like to take a stroll during lunch, but this week all I’ve done is take a stroll to the lobby to meet my Seamless delivery dude. People aren’t meant to live like this; I need a full-length mink. Buff, send me yours, I need it more than you do.

so emo

#swaddled #slightlyfurrowed #lusciouslocksthankstoEquinox #thatrhymes #lesmissoundtrack

If I look pissed it’s because I am. It was one degree this morning. ONE DEGREE. Hilary said it best: “That’s not a temperature. A temperature is like 65. Or 85. 1 is like how many pizzas I’d like today. Not a temperature.” Agreed. And now I’ll be ordering pizza for lunch. UPDATE: I went with sushi.

In celeb news…There are few things I love more and am better at handling than being proven wrong. I definitely don’t like to be right all the time, and I’m happy to accept another’s assertion of truth over my own. I trust you all sensed my tone. However, sometimes facts are facts, and I just have to go with it - case in point: this photo of T Swizzle. I’ve called her boring, lame, and even Taylor “what’s that? I just fell asleep” Swift, but she looked pretty smoke at The People’s Choice Awards a couple of weeks ago…not bad, T Swizz, not bad at all.

taylor-swift

This doesn’t mean I like you, but it might mean I recently purchased your newest single. Speaking of celebs! I saw Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef at Raoul’s on Saturday night. She is stunning but would be even more so if she wiped that snarky smirk off her face – she did not look like someone I want to be friends with. I’m really killing it with my celeb sightings.

So, this happened: a couple of Saturdays ago, before the Apocalypse and you could go outside without 18 layers of clothing, I was sitting in Union Square enjoying a nice cup of hot cider from one of the vendors at the park’s Farmers Market, reading my Kindle. I was early meeting people for brunch/lunch, so I sat for a sec, enjoying the mild temp and pleasantly quiet day. OR SO I THOUGHT.

“Hello, excuse me, hi.” The man’s voice startled me, and I sloshed my cider. Annoyed, I was all set to pull my usual avoid-and-ignore move, but I decided to do things differently – I was just a girl, sitting in the park, drinking some hot cider, why couldn’t I have a normal conversation with him.

“Yes, hi,” I responded with a half-smile. A HALF-SMILE!

“Do you mind if I sit down?” Before I could answer, he sat down right next to me – right next to me when I was surrounded by empty benches. My half-smile began to waiver.

“So, what’s your name?” he asked eagerly as he leaned towards me, effectively violating any and all social mandates re: personal space.

“My name is Allie…” I said while I adjusted my position, trying to communicate that he was about six inches closer than what was already too close.

“OH I KNEW IT! I knew your name would be something like Allie!!” What does that even mean? “My name is Alex. But I bet you could have guessed that. Alex and Allie!”

“Yeah, I don’t know that I could have…”

“But who knows? Right? That’s why I just love this f*ckin city. So, Allie, I think we should hang out sometime…” At this point, I started gathering my things – I really did try and be friendly because hey, why not, but he was putting out a weird-and-getting-weirder vibe and he also looked like Voldemort’s rat-like sidekick. I’d had enough.

they weren't identical twins or anything, but that was my first thought: Peter Pettigrew

they weren’t identical twins or anything, but that was my first thought: Peter Pettigrew

He began to protest: “Wait, you’re not leaving! You didn’t even get to hear what I was going to say! I was going to say I wanted to hang out with you and your FRIENDS. Not just YOU! I bet you’ve got cute friends. You can set me up!”

This was too much. “You want to hang out with my friends? You’re using me to get to my friends? Whom you’ve never met? And you want me to make the introduction?” I know I sounded a little incredulous, but this guy was the worst. Plus he was wearing some kind of unpleasantly odorous cologne that was 100% AXE Body Spray, or possibly its generic version. No gracias.

“Sure, why not. Maybe they are nicer than you. Maybe THEY would want to hang out sometime.”

I sensed Alex’s teasing/pouting act was a quick stop on the way to TemperTown, so I bade him farewell and got to to brunch/lunch 20 mins early. I thought I did okay for a first attempt at random conversation with someone whom I initially had wanted to run away from. Another one of my non-resolutions is to, eventually, retire my Flat-Face as it pertains to meeting members of the opposite sex. This will be my Everest.

Did you notice how this kind of read like a newscast? Sports, weather, celeb stuff, wrapping up with a human interest story…  #notmybestwork

Posted in Arbitrary, Celebs | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

ALRIGHT.

Posted by AllieB on January 16, 2013

Be advised: if you’re on my List or are at all guilty of irking me, today is not your day.

1. Jessica Simpson was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night. I can’t even…

I am speechless; I am without speech. First, easy on the Botox. Second, it is possible to dress in a flattering, appropriate manner in which you accentuate your best attributes and disguise your flaws. Jessica, who has the demonstrated mental function of a wet mop, has never heard this message from Captain Obvious and chose to wear that instead. Of course she did.

2. I went postal at the Post Office. The Post Office has now trumped SantaCon as my Least Favorite Thing. There was an incident yesterday morning involving myself, two post office workers, a roll of Priority Mail tape, and a roll of Standard Clear Shipping Tape. Long story short: one of the workers repeatedly gave me blatantly wrong, flat-out-erroneous information regarding the kind of tape I needed to use for my shipping needs. This resulted first in confusion, then frustration, and ultimately snowballed into blind, unadulterated RAGE. I honestly think the situation could have escalated to the point of law enforcement intervention, but, as though I were starring in my very own segment from Chicken Soup for the Soul, a good samaritan appeared out of nowhere and shared with me her roll of Clear Shipping Tape. I nearly burst into tears I was so grateful. I then realized that I acted like a total f’ing lunatic may have overreacted a teeny bit, and I apologized to the people with whom I’d had issue…one of them, anyway, the other one got the stink eye she deserved. Having worked in the service industry several times during my adult life,  I know how much people suck and how hard it is to be nice all of the time, and I know that I can air on the side of impatient, but this….this was unfounded.

3. Was The Duchess on glue when she approved her first official portrait? HATES IT. I’m going to chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and let this one slide…hopefully it will find a nice home in the basement. Or maybe in Pippa’s room…muahaha

kate-middleton-portrait

Kate, why are you POSSESSED BY THE DEMONS??

Ok, enough complaining and senseless lambasting – I got it off my chest, and I feel much better… As I mentioned, I joined Equinox (Equinox is a gym) and I’ve been going a lot – I even went on Saturday. To the gym. To a spin class. On a Saturday. In efforts to keep things interesting, I am trying every single one of their class offerings, many of which are brand new information. Case in point: “ViPR” aka “vitality-performance-reconditioning.” Intrigued by this collection of healthy-sounding words, I went to the 6:30 AM class last Wednesday morning….and here’s how that went (cut and pasted directly from The Serve).

So, this morning I went to the most nonsense class ever, I don’t even know how to describe. Apparently it’s not only new to Equinox, it’s new to the United States, so when I was mega-failing (flailing?) that made me feel a little better. There was a really really pretty girl in my class – she looked like Lucy Hale on Pretty Little Liars w the dark hair and thick eyebrows only much prettier. Prettier, taller, skinnier. I’m telling you, this girl had an a** that would NOT quit. She was even coordinated. She did not enhance my fitness experience.

I’m just glad she wasn’t in the locker room the same time I was…could’ve been awkward for everyone.

Anyway, the focus of the class is this very crazy huge, weighted black pipe/tube that you sling around. I am laughing thinking about it. It was really hard. There’s also a step box; I think I did 1,000 squats. At the end, the instructor sought me out and told me I didn’t “totally suck”, which I found encouraging, until I saw him give Lucy Hale’s hotter twin a high five and a, “You go, gurl!”

I won’t be returning.

This was pretty much how it went down

This was pretty much the jist

I know I’m not talking about resolutions, but one of my non-resolutions is to write more in 2k13…quantity>quality??

Posted in Really? | Tagged: , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

The Year of the Snake

Posted by AllieB on January 10, 2013

Welcome to 2k13. How’s it going so far? Have you made your New Year’s resolutions and declared abstention from all things evil and pledged allegiance to kale and yoga?  I hate New Year’s ressies – that’s annoying for resolutions – so I think this year I just won’t talk about them.

Except maybe a little because I want do a some humble bragging. In the scant ten days of this year, I have secured an awesome apartment on what could possibly be the most charming block in NYC; I signed over my first born and joined Equinox (I know the year is less than two weeks old, but I feel pretty good about my consistent attendance because I simply cannot reconcile the outrageous cost unless I actually go…even if it’s just to sit in the steam room and take a shower with the Khiel’s products – that obviously still counts); I already got my yearly physical; I have scheduled a trip that includes the use of my passport; I completed my Christmas thank you notes.…y’all, I’m teeing myself up for quite a year.

Let it be said: I do not believe that the manner in which one’s year begins is at all indicative of the course it might take. My 2012 started off in the crapper and wound up being one of my very best. I’m pretty sure that, had it continued on as it started, I likely would’ve ended the year face down in a gutter somewhere, not thriving- THRIVING! – in NYC…we can all be glad things went uphill instead of down.

Puppy break!!

yaaawn

Are you yawning like ze pooches? A couple months of things going well and I’m suddenly the Dalai Lama. If you’re looking for life lessons, keep looking – or hold your horses for a few years until I write my book. Said book will be a lighthearted and breezy, yet substantial and thought-provoking, collection of essays or novel that is neither fiction nor non – it’ll be a little of both. I realize many of you might say, “duh, like a gazillion people have already written that same book”, but most of the ones already written kinda suck, and mine won’t. So, BOLO for that.

I really am excited about my apartment, and I am excited to have visitors – everyone is welcome!!! Except Hilary. There’s no room at the inn for Hilary.

hilary ew

Get away from me, you toadstool. Tybee 2008. I’m restraining myself from having an ALL CAPS panic attack about how long ago 2008 was.

In other news…

Jessica Simpson is ENORMOUS; not due until sometime in 2015

Taylor Swift is sad; sent home alone on boat

The hottest, spiciest meal in the world will make you cry, take a walk, and then hallucinate

I saw Meg Ryan at Mercer Kitchen on Saturday night – she has not aged well…I was a little frightened. I also saw Jake Gyllenhaal in Union Square on New Year’s Eve day…he is my height (5’7″) and kind of needed a shower, but he has a truly dazzling smile.

RISE UP!!!

As an act of respect and admiration, I have chosen to not discuss The Duchess’s pregnancy. I wish her and William the very best, and I, along with the rest of the planet, await with breath that is bated for the newest member of the Royal Family.  It was also Her Highness’s birthday yesterday – how strange that she and I don’t have the same birthday, us being twins and all…

I read over this, and I am uncomfortable with all the heralding I did re: my good fortune, so I will share with you some of the other things I’ve accomplished in 2013 to cut me back down to size:

1. I lost and found my purse six times on Saturday night.

2. The strap to my gym bag broke because it got stuck in my boot heel (fun-da-men-tals). This was a true act of grace on its own, but the real treat was the tumble that ensued as a result…you’re welcome fellow foot commuters on Park between 53rd and 54th.

3. I went for the hug and he went for the handshake.

Proof positive that things are as ever in the life of BBT…

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On notice: Santa

Posted by AllieB on December 19, 2012

As you begin, I implore you to read to the end.

When I first started writing BBT, I didn’t have a plan one way or the other for what direction I might go – I didn’t plan, for instance, on the glorious Royal Wedding, and I wasn’t sitting there with J Simps, shoving chocolate-covered nachos down her throat to bolster my favorite blog topic. (She actually looks really good right now? I’m confused.) One fundamental principle became pretty clear early on, and that is to look out for #1. I do not overshare – this leaves me free to judge others while protecting myself. It’s a one-way street, and I like it. However, and maybe it’s because I’m writing less, or perhaps I am turning into an egocentric maniac, it seems that lately I’ve become my own favorite subject. I wonder if this is at all correlated to the recent decrease in readership? I will ponder.

Read below A Day in the Life: Saturday.

1. 930 wakeup. Fresh as a daisy! Bring on the day! Sense the tone!

2. Wells Fargo. My check card decided our relationship had run its course and took a hike – so selfish and very annoying, but not only are there banks open on Saturdays, they have normal Saturday hours, like 10:30 – 3:30. I do love convenience and practicality.

3. Nails. I went with a very Christmas-y dark green called Live and Let Die from OPI Skyfall collection – you know how I love Bond. They were messed up before I left the salon.

4. Shopping. I’ve blocked these 2 hours from my memory. Shopping on Saturdays is just as stupid here as it is in Atlanta, if not more so. When will I learn.

5. Here’s where my adventure begins…the map below shows my progression around the city from 3PM – midnight on Saturday. Lucy and I covered a lot of ground. The letter A (The Standard) designates where we began, and the letter F (dream hotel) denotes the end. In case you were unfamiliar with the map key system.

Google Maps

I think it’s funny that A is two blocks from F.

A noteworthy footnote to our adventure is that this past weekend was Santacon. Santacon is now, officially, my least favorite thing, topping such previous Least Favorite Things as the dentist and Lenox Mall around Christmas. The entire city is overrun with drunk kids, MANY of whom are underage (how dare they), going on a self-directed pub crawl across the city…oh, and they’re dressed as Santa. This means to say: girls are in fanny-showing Mrs. Clause outfits and guys are decked out as Santa in various stages of undress. It is a spectacle. The people are a mess, and getting around the city is almost impossible. Our methods of transport included subway, cabs, Uber,  scary gypsy cars whereupon the moment of entry you’re completely off the grid (wise, I know – never take these solo), horse drawn carriages, and time travel – none of which were done with ease or expediency.

In spite of all that nonsense, we really enjoyed our day. We saw lots of people – from out of town guests to life long besties – and I saw parts of NYC I hadn’t yet seen. The Financial District is eerily awesome at 9pm on a Saturday night. And I finally experienced the burger from PJ Clarke’s, which…I’m not sure what words will do it justice – sublime? Transcendental? A miracle in my mouth? Yes x3. tower

The Freedom Tower.

Thisphoto of One World Trade Center, and all that building symbolizes for us as a nation, is a relevant segue to what I speak about last. I’ve been struggling with how to address the Sandy Hook shootings – nothing I wanted to say was coming out right. I so appreciated many writers’ words (Jason Gay, WSJ sports columnist, always nails it), and when my own fell short I decided instead to share this beautiful version of “The Night Before Christmas”.

Twas 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven’s gate.
their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled with such joy, they didn’t know what to say.
they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
“where are we?” asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
“this is heaven.” declared a small boy. “we’re spending Christmas at God’s house.”

when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus’ face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, “I’ll take care of mom and dad.”

then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
“Let My power and presence re-enter this land!”
“may this country be delivered from the hands of fools”
“I’m taking back my nation. I’m taking back my schools!”

then He and the children stood up without a sound.
“Come now, my children, let me show you around.”
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.

and I heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
“in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT.”

Tis the season to love one another.

Love, Allie

Posted in Arbitrary | 5 Comments »

BBT’s Guide to Giving: You’re on Your Own

Posted by AllieB on December 11, 2012

To those who responded to my survey….thanks. I don’t know if it’s because I was overwhelmed by so many responses (a pleasant surprise), or because I waited longer than my usual 1.5 day turnaround before doing a post, but I’m feeling the opposite of inspired. I asked about gifts for the holidays, y’all all answered, and I’ll sum it up for you: don’t buy anyone socks, clothes for work, and don’t you DARE enroll ANYONE in a jelly of the month club. Also, three people (3 out of the 63 who participated), specifically mentioned not wanting a Nickelback CD. Look, if you’re concerned a Nickelback CD awaits you beneath the tree on Christmas morning, there are issues with which BBT cannot help. My heart goes out to the %.05 of you facing  this imminent doom. Hey, maybe the world will end on 12/21, and then you won’t even have to worry about practicing your “Omigosh I LOVE IT!” face when you open up an NB CD – fingers crossed! Let’s see, what else…I had some really wonderful answers (some of which I may filch for material in the future and claim as my own original work), but also a fair number of really dumb ones. It is possible I didn’t sense your tones, but I don’t think that’s it. Good news is – it was totally anonymous so no judgement! Just me wondering who the H I’m friends with.

Speaking of the people I am friends with, Hilary wants to show off her new Christmas sweater and would also like your help counting her chins:

Sorry your hardwork is going unrewarded…in the future, I think I’ll stick with surveys pertaining to the complex nature of relationships between males and females because that is where my expertise really kicks in. I honestly do feel badly if I’ve let you down – tell you what, if you’re really at a loss re: gift giving, or are just that curious about the results, shoot me an email and I’ll send over some highlights.

Instead of a survey, I’m going to borrow a section from my favorite weekly tabloid, UsWeekly: What’s In My Bag??

1. the bag. I just bought it, and I’m obsessed – thank you, Pinterest. I’d been looking for a new NYC bag for months, and this is perfect. LOVE.

2. umbrella. This is always in my purse when I do not need it; it’s never there when I do

3. earphones (2) – one is the new ear bud from Apple that of course doesn’t stay in my right ear any better than the old, but they suffice for a stroll; the others are the super cute kind that hook over your ear…these are for my yogs/when I am trying to lure members of the opposite sex

4. butterfly clips (9) of various sizes; two hair ties. Given the number of hair-related thingies I carry around, it’s strange if not inexcusable that I am often so unkempt

5. one day I hope to go altogether purseless like Lucy (this seems promising, given the amount of crap I carry around), but for now I’m just walletless – Metro card, *$’s card, work ID, check card, license. My new bag has a perfect place for these – wallet, schwallet.

6. Kindle. It is my most prized possession, I go no where without this thing

7. padlock. I’m currently the member of a pretty sketchy gym – I joined on a whim with a Groupon during Hurricane Sandy because I really wanted to take a shower (they were, of course, closed throughout Hurricane Sandy), and I’ve got 10 days left in my membership. I look forward to not lugging around a lock that weighs 5 lbs. Equinox, here I come.

8. the large blue pouch clearly has in it all the things that you are not allowed to see. My bag – it’s full of secrets…!

9. Vaseline (2) – obvi

10. everything else: gum, gloss, Sabre shades (possibly the most durable sunglasses on the planet), arm band for iPhone (my shuffle is on the DL right now – I hate running with the full size)

11. duh, my work Blackberry. I didn’t downgrade; I’m using my iPhone for the pic. I thought about this oversight on the subway and hurried to correct the omission. God forbid.

That was fun. Don’t you feel like you know me better? Minus all the stuff that’s in the blue pouch…curious much?

DOGS ARE DRIVING CARS. Please click thru and watch this video – even if you only watch like 15 seconds of it, for which you don’t even really need sound, this is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. And I’m not making it up – source is TIME magazine, so it’s legit. Y’all know I don’t talk about vids unless it’s worth your while…plus, it’s in New Zealand and who doesn’t love the Kiwis?  Admittedly, I haven’t watched more than 39 seconds of it, but it was the best 39 seconds of anything I’ve seen in awhile…and now I’m watching it again.

I’m worried that you aren’t going to watch it – here’s a screenshot:

 I die.

THE DUCHESS IS WITH CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BBT is could not be more thrilled. What if she gives birth on my birthday??? What if I am asked to be a godparent??? She’s going to be an adorable preggo person, and I hope she gets well soon. There’ve been a lot of strange things surrounding her pregnancy thus far, and I’m not going to talk about any of them. PLUS, since Kate is with child this means I can completely ignore the fact Jessica Simpson is also – unless she starts to blow up….and here we go again.

And, in that same ALL-CAPS vein, CONGRATS to my big sister Charlotte who’s been working her a** off and has been rewarded as such – can’t wait to see what ends up happening..! And I’m happy to weigh-in where needed; I’m known for being incredibly decisive…as always, it is a pleasure being related to you.

Lastly, did I mention that I saw the van up here a few weeks ago? There she was, just chillin in Chinatown. Wherever I go, so, too, goes the van.

 

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