Baxter Bark Twice

Do as I say, never as I do

The sauce is weak

Posted by AllieB on February 28, 2013

GREAT NEWS! It is Thursday. Besides that I got nada…bupkis…a great big giant goose egg. No more life events to share, good or bad.  I’ve been working a lot, I socialize, I go to el gimnasio – OH! Remember Lucy Hale’s hotter twin? She showed up in my Cardio Sculpt class on Wednesday. Miss Thang came traipsing in already sweaty – evidently she works out before she works out. Fine, whatever, but the class was at 6:30 in the morning – clearly, she sucks. But she can do a push-up, maybe even a few, and I cannot. Rico, the instructor, was actually fascinated by my inability to lift myself from a horiztonally prone position, flat on the floor, into a push-up. I told Rico that it had always been this way and that when I took the Presidential Fitness Test in 9th grade I could only complete 1/4 of a pull-up. “We can’t excel at everything,” I said. Rico thought about this and asked, “but would you call being able to do a single, legit push-up excelling?”

“For me, yes, that would be excelling.”

“You gotta raise your standards, gurl, because you on the floor just now, trying to push yourself up – that was just about the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen. And I used to work at the YMCA.”

Jeez, Rico, no need to SUGARCOAT IT.  

I can’t Instagram a #tbt, so here’s one. This is me chillin – just me and my cheeks hangin out. I bet if I showed this to Rico he’d be like, “typical.”

baby allie

#mouthbreathing

I watched the entirety of the Oscars on Sunday – from alpha to omega I tuned in - and I hve some observations:

Jennifer Lawrence is clearly PLU. Let’s hang sometime JLaw 

Jennifer-Lawrence-Oscars

touché

-how pissed was Anne Hathaway that SHE didn’t think to fall down?? (Sidebar: article about why we love Jennifer Lawrence and do not love Anne Hathaway. Muy interesante.)

-Channing Tatum… you come here to me.

-INTERVENTION: BBT, this is the third consecutive post in which you’ve mentioned Channing Tatum. Pump the brakes, yo

Halle Berry…daaaaang.

I’ve never borne the burden of having too much money, so I can’t attest to what I’d do if I had just billions of dollars that I wanted to “spend before I die” but I really, really do not think this would come to mind. My certainty stems from the fact that this is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever heard and someone really ought to shut it down.

Plans for Titanic Replica Set Sail as Australian Billionaire Avoids Sink Jinx

Summation: he’s building a boat exactly like the Titanic, from size and interior to class separation (allegedly he’ll be riding in third class becaase that’s where all the fun is), to sail the exact route the Titanic did without – fingers crossed! – hitting an iceburg and sinking. Apparently he has “dozens of people” interested in signing up. In one deviation from the ill-fated ship, there will be a lifeboat seat for every single passenger and crew member.

In Clive’s defense, he already owns 100 vintage cars, 150 race horses, five private jets and a large collection of dinosaur fossils. And you’d think the person with a private collection of dinosaur fossils must want for nothing…this just goes to show: money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy a lot of other stuff. 

I give up. Go have yourself a beverage. TGIT!

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Despicable Me

Posted by AllieB on February 21, 2013

I lost my iPhone. It happened two weeks ago, and I am not doing well. Most of the time I have no idea where I am, how I got there, or how I’m going to get where I want to go; I have no soundtrack for my daily commute; and…no Instagram. On top of all that there’s the whole behavioral issue: losing one’s phone does not purport mature, competent, adult conduct. It just doesn’t.  And, while it wasn’t a situation of me being totally blotto, it was my own careless oversight that allowed it to happen – I’ve no one to blame but myself. For this reason, instead of getting a new phone right away, I am sentencing myself to cellpiece purgatory for a few weeks with an archaic Blackberry Curve v 1.0 – pretty sure it was the clunkier predecessor to Zach Morris’s portable phone in Saved by the Bell. At its best it sends one out of every three text messages, and at its worst it freezes for hours, or maybe minutes, at a time. I’m calling this an exercise in character building. Also, torture.

I don’t have anyone’s numbers, I don’t have voicemail…if you need to get in touch with me send a text identifying yourself and I’ll respond. If you text me and hear back nothing but radio silence, you can assume that the text didn’t go through…or that it did and I’m ignoring you. XOXO! Actually, having a malfunctioning cellular device can be kind of convenient re: contact I’d rather not have, and, come to think of it, I’ve really missed that red LED light – “Allie! Someone has contacted you!” – and it’s nice having a keyboard again…plus, the lack of access to Google Maps has done wonders for my sense of direction around the nonsensical cluster that is the West Village.

This is one of my favorite things about BBT: I start off bitching and moaning about something, but by the end of the post I’m like, wait, this isn’t so bad, and I’m back to my usual cheerful self.

The camera doesn’t totally suck? I was all the way downtown by the WTC this morning for a meeting and took this…the Financial District on a weekday morning is like a different country.

#nofilter #blackberrysdonthave filters #WTC

#nofilter #thatsbecauseblackberrysdonthavefilters #WTC

How or why I rambled for three paragraphs about my cell phone situation I know not. But there you have it. I was brainstorming some preventative measures to ensure I never lose my mobile again, and I might rig up some sort of apparatus so it is affixed to my person at all times. No? Yes? I’ll keep you posted.

HUGE NEWS: the minivan is gone for good. Some other very, very lucky person (I hope it is person-singular and not a whole family) is driving around in that party wagon safety mobile. Note I said “sold” and not “given away” – true to form G-Force got some decent cash for the thing. I think removing me from the equation upped the value significantly.

Go see it: Side Effects. It’s GOOD! That Rooney Mara (she was Lisbeth Salander in Girl with a Dragon Tattoo) is a real piece of work – the word diabolical comes to mind. Also, Channing Tatum’s in it and I have a an unabashed, no-holds-barred crush on that guy. Is that sleazy?? Whatever – he’s a babe. Huge bonus: it’s under two hours long.

Watch it on the tube: The Following. It’s screwy and gory, but I’m hooked (Mondays on Fox). Credit: Caro

Read/Download: The Dinner by Herman Koch. People are going to be talking about this one, and you will all forget you heard it here first (but you did – you heard it here first), and BBT highly recommends. I saw one review calling it a “European Gone Girl” which I don’t necessarily agree with –  not in a bad way, just in a that-is-not-correct kind of way. Credit: Mom

The Duchess revealed her baby bump…bravo, Catherine. Bravo.

good god her hair is even more glorious than before

good god her hair is even more glorious than before

Meanwhile Jessica Simpson seems to be doing an okay job not turning into The Monster Who Ate Literally Everything, but she also has taken to dining at The Cheesecake Factory, according to some article I saw recently – that’s not wise. And the “sexy” pursed-lip duck face is illegal on pregnant women, so that’s gotta go. She’s also decided that if she has a son, she wants to name him Ace. The over-under on Ace not being a total d-bag is about zero. Screen Captures1

I figure this - sorry - they speak for themselves.

My plans for the evening are described on that invite below. I’m thinking Luda and I can Act a Fool while Representin‘ tha Dirty – I hope to see How Low he can go…and I fully intend to do some shaking of my Money Maker.

Doc1 - Microsoft Word 2202013 91324 PM.bmp

I didn’t black out the location because I’m too cool, I just don’t want to get in trouble…

TGIT! Make good decisions and never end sentences in prepositions,

BBT

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Roses are red, violets are blue…

Posted by AllieB on February 14, 2013

Happy Valentine’s Day!! In spite of my single-person status, I’m really not some embittered anti-St. Valentine person; I mean, second only to Easter Valentine’s candy is the best, plus my bevy of Secret Admirers is sure to come thru with dozens and dozens of roses and diamond tennis bracelets…besides, Valentine’s Day is for love of all kinds, so, if you think about it, no matter who you are we all have something to celebrate today. Yeah, and mini-giraffes are real. 

Let’s open the Pandora’s Box of my Valentine’s Day history:

-in 2012 my mom made filet mignon with a crack-laced peppercorn sauce, twice baked potatoes, roasted asparagus, and homemade molten chocolate lava cakes for dessert. That > pretty much anything or anyone else you could offer me on Valentine’s Day, except maybe David Beckham/Channing Tatum/the guy in the Calvin Klein ad that’s all over the place right now. Ideally, all three…..

-in 2011 I was in Pakistan. Have you been to Pakistan? Allie: 1, VDay: 0

Ali/Allie Butt

Ali/Allie Butt

-I’m not sure about 2010

-same for 2009

-in 2008 I went to the Pink Pony, which makes perfect sense…pink -> Valentine’s Day. If you’re unfamiliar with the Pink Pony, best to keep it that way.

-ahh, 2007 – an epic evening at Eclipse di Luna

Happy Valentine's Day to my lovely dates

Happy Valentine’s Day to my lovely dates

-jump back to 1998: a guy who I was semi talking to brought me wilted daises with an “It’s a Boy!” card because Kroger was all out of every other kind of card. This was one instance where the thought did not count at all, and nothing would have been infinitely better than something.

So. I don’t know what to say about this. I am 80% laughing, 10% not laughing, 5% nauseous looking at that picture of Hilary, and 5% very uncomfortable with the excessive amount of personal información I just shared. Whatevs – here’s how I feel about that: if you’re a little bummed about your VDay this ought to cheer you up; if you’re feeling a bit superior about your circumstances compared to my own, allow me to assure you that karma does indeed exist and is a real biatch; lastly, if you laughed because you enjoy humor at the expense of others, then it’s safe to say you’re in the right place – you know what they say about great minds thinking alike.

Hell on Earth has a new definition: 4,000 passengers have been stuck on a cruise ship without power (read: no plumbing) and no food for four days. Here’s my takeaway from this Carnival Cruise Line Horror Story that’s been in the news this week:

1. The Carpathia got to the Titanic in six hours in 1912; can someone please explain why these people were stuck in the Gulf of Mexico, a finite body of water, for four days in 2013. (I know there are some different logistics in play here, but from my uninformed  and unresearched perspective, this is completely unacceptable.)

2. Never will I ever step foot on a cruise ship again. I’ll consider a boutique liner in the Adriatic, and a yacht obviously would be fine, but that’s it…

3. The company’s idea of “compensation” for the 4,000 passengers held captive on board is seriously deluded: The cruise line said it would give each passenger $500, a free flight home, a full refund for their trip and for most expenses on board, as well as a credit for another cruise. 

My reaction would be as follows: <slow shred of voucher to tiny little pieces; silent vow of revenge; put $500 towards Emily Thorne-esque avenger training>

Not that I was in a bad mood this morning, but I’m in a specifically good mood now. Those pandas down there are helping. And I’m wearing a pink skirt – I’m so festive!!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don’t have a date?
At least you’re not on that cruise ship.

Cheers to Thursday!!

bottoms up

bottoms up

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L-I-V-I-N

Posted by AllieB on February 7, 2013

If I didn’t love it so much here, a relocation to Austin, Texas would definitely be something to consider. What a great city. I’m sure my super-positive takeaway was bolstered by the perfect weather, our luxe accomodations, and the priceless companionship, but Austin is everything it’s hyped up to be. I won’t give you a play by play of the weekend because that would be weird, but I’ll give you some highlights.

A, Erika, K, Nando, and I rendezvoused in Austin because we just kind of felt like it, and it was one of K’s very best ideas – K gets credit for orchestrating the whole gig. The most important thing that happened to me, personally, over the weekend is that Erika teased my hair, and I loved it. I’m definitely going to start teasing it up here in the Big Apple – bigger is better, right? We were trading make-up tips (just girls doing what girls do! We had pillow fights, too, and A brought her Oujia board) and I think it’s time I look into some sort of lip color or tint…I went to Texas and came back with a bouffant and pink lipstick – sounds about right.

Erika tells an enthralling tale; we all listen closely (not picture: us not listening at all, it took her like 20 mins to get thru the whole thing. Sorry, Erika. Credit: K!)

Erika tells an enthralling tale; we all listen closely (not pictured: us not listening at all, it took her like 20 mins to get thru the whole thing. At first glance I thought I was kind of smirking in skepticism, but then I remembered the story you were telling and realized I’m actually covering my mouth in horror – that really was a doozie. Credit: K)

On Saturday morning one of my most favorites, Miguel Egan, took me to the best dog park  ever – it was what imagine doggy heaven probably looks like. Maybe people heaven, too. We brought Skydog along and played with pups all morning – it was pretty perfect. I could have stayed there forever…kinda wish I was there right now… Dogs rock.

Austin skyline as seen from dog park; THAT corgi puppy named Paisley; Skydog.

Austin skyline as seen from dog park; THAT corgi puppy named Paisley; Skydog.

For apres-patio beers/pre-cocktails and dinner at La Condesa, the five of us ventured over the bridge to the Hotel San Jose, a very cool hotel where there’s much more than meets the eye – that there ride shown below sums up the vibe pretty well, check out the website. It definitely has a motel-y exterior, but inside it’s like a fairyland of cheese plates and seductive lighting and sustainable materials.

san jose motel

Looking back down South Congress at Saturday night rush hour; the Hotel San Jose Mobile

I’d also like to give a shoutout to our driver, Markus, who we co-opted from the Four Seasons for the weekend. Markus had endless patience and a great sense of humor and knew exactly what I was talking about when I was explaining to everyone the song “Cantaloop.” 

So…the end. I loved seeing everyone (Bo, if you’ve deigned to read this week’s post, this includes you), and I loved going on a trip that was actually relaxing. I feel like the new standard is that I go on vacation and return in need of a vacation. I’m going to make weekend jaunts like this a real priority, so it’ s a good thing that money grows on trees! I will say, however, that the change from beautiful and balmy to cloudy with a chance of two feet of snow has left me at less than 100%. There’s an alarming pattern in the works: everytime I fly I lose my voice, and when it comes back it’s only coming back to like 3/4 of what it was. Basically, if this continues, it’s only a matter of time before I sound like James Earl Jones’s slightly more feminine but no less iconic twin. Hotness.

 This next item has been on the BBT docket for awhile now, and today I am finally giving it notice: J-Dig Cards. Are you familiar? I went to college with one of the founders, Josh Henry, and he runs the business with his brother Peter and sister-in-law Cathy. The cards are made in America on recycled paper and, most importantly, they are all awesome. Here are a couple of my favorites:

Happy Birthday! & Thank you!

Happy Birthday! & Thank you!
Images courtesy http://shop.j-digcards.com/

I’m a real big card giver – I don’t buy birthday gifts for friends and I certainly don’t expect any from them, but I take card giving very seriously. A thoughtful card chosen with a specific person in mind can mean a lot – you can keep your candle. Actually, no, give me the candle, but I really do love an “only-Allie-would-appreciate-this” gesture. SO, check out J-Dig! They have them for every occasion you can think of, and also for no occasion at all, and they’re sold at Sam Flax in Atlanta and a whole bunch of places in NYC and just all over – here’s a map of vendors across the country.

Winter Storm Nemo is about to dump a whole bunch of snow on us Northeasterners. Kind of incongruous, don’t you think, naming a snow storm Nemo? PIXAR does not approve, and neither does BBT.

Hope y’all all have a very thirsty Thursday (MC – see you shortly; I’ll have a marg on the rocks w/o salt), and I also hope, for your sake, that you’re having as good a hair day as I am… I don’t know what’s going on up there, but it looks fabulous.

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Not only is your fly open, there’s a pencil sticking out of it

Posted by AllieB on January 30, 2013

I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I am skipping around in a field of daises full of leaping puppies with cheesesteaks and red wine as faaaaar as the eye can see. And it’s not just today – lately I’ve found myself seeking out interaction with pretty much any and everyone – I never realized how much more interesting the day is if you talk to the guy at the bodega, or whomever. (NOTE: I would never - even if I’d just won the lottery and found out J Simps is giving birth to triplets - EVER initiate conversation with strangers  on the subway or train. That’s like the public transportation equivalent of a sanctuary.) On Friday, for instance, I talked to a guy in the elevator. He was wearing a suit, and he told me he didn’t know why he wore suits on Friday, but that it probably had something to do with his Catholic school upbringing. I agreed and then suggested that perhaps that explained a lot of other things as well – oh, but did we laugh!

There are myriad reasons as to why I am Animated (Annoying?) Allie today:

1. I’m going to AUSTIN on Friday!! Not only have I never been there, but I’ve never even been to Texas! Plus, I did some thinking, and this is my first non-wedding-related, non-family trip that I’ve taken since 2007, the occasional random lake/mountain/beach weekend notwithstanding. I guess I mean the first trip I’ve taken that required flight and days off. We’re staying here, dining here, and doing whatever else we please. BOLO for Insta-overload.

Four Seasons Austin. Looks alright

Four Seasons Austin. Looks alright

*Oops. This is a rendering and not a picture. Thanks, Hilary – I guess this is what it feels like when someone corrects your grammar. The website is much cooler, you can go to the link above if you want to see it in all its splendor. Looks like I got schooled by the internet.

2. I move into my apartment tomorrow. I am the world’s WORST mover and I seem to be continuing my streak. At least I’m not slinging furniture down several flights of stairs and doing twelve – TWELVE – trips between my apartment and parents’ home to move all my crap. That was last summer, and that was the worst. This move is pretty much all clothes, and I’m shipping most of it. Assuming UPS picks up my boxes and they can be delivered to my apartment without me being there. I fear this could be a flawed system and it’s possible I’ll be wearing the same clothes for a week while I figure out what they’ve done with my items.

totally under control

My room on Monday – totally under control

3. These are back:

kate for the win

4. Amazon is sending me new sunglasses AND giving me credit for the order they messed up…twice.

Jabroni - nope; Bug Eyed - who knew there were shades too big for my dome?

Jabroni – eek; Bug Eyed – nope, but who knew there were shades too big for my dome?

The ones I want are a combo of those two…normal lens, normal size. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – I love Amazon.

5. This Jack Donaghy insult generator – also credit for today’s title. We’re gonna miss you Liz Lemon.

6. Truf.

i-heart-ny

 Oh yeah. Happy Birthdays to Kara & Courtney! Remember when we all went to Trois like six years ago? Memories…

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